Criteria for informing a parent

[Miss Marple]

Do you have certain criteria that must be met before informing a parent of his/her child's (teenage) behavior? How do you determine whether something should be said to a parent vs. MYOB?

 

I realize the that there are obvious actions that would necessitate informing, but what about those things which are more vague? Is emotional harm of the same urgency as physical harm, IYO? Do you only intervene when one of your children is directly involved? If you know that a parent has set a rule and you know that the child isn't following it (we're talking teenagers) do you say something?

[Impish]

Honestly, I go with, "Would I want to know?" If, as a parent, its something I would want to know, I speak up.

 

Also depends on how well I know the parent. If I know something is important to them, then yes, I'd say something, even if its something I'd shrug off.

[RahRah]

It's a tough call and really depends on the kid and what they're doing.

 

If it wasn't something dangerous, I might try talking to the kid first, reminding them of why the behavior is unacceptable and why, as they're maturing it's important to do the next right thing even though that's not always the easiest thing to do and maybe sprinkle in a touch of guilt that their parents would be disappointed if they learned about the behavior - this gives the teen a chance to improve of their own will and think about why what they're doing isn't the right thing - which if they do then make the changes, then you'll want to praise that too.

 

You might also want to go with natural consequences of bad behavior and reinforce that through your teens (I'm assuming you're seeing this behavior because of their interaction with the teen who isn't behaving as they should?) - as in, when someone continues to behave badly, we disengage from them because we do not want to condone that behavior type approach?

 

As I said, it really depends on the kid and the circumstance - if addressing the issue with the teen doesn't resolve it, then perhaps having a conversation with the parent - with the teen present - might be the next step?

[Night Elf]

I have come across that kind of thing, but from a different angle. I never know any of the parents of the teens I meet through my dd19. She has made friends through school (when she was in public high school) and work. These friends come and hang out at my house, but I don't know their families. I've had the privilege of talking with some of them as an objective adult. They admit to me that their parents have rules that they think are stupid and so they don't follow them. I get the chance to talk about respect, trust, and integrity. I know I've given some of them food for thought. Not one of them has ever shown any disrespect to me, even if they disagreed with what I was saying. I just sort of approach it as a 'Here's my take on things'.

 

Okay, I know one parent. My dd19's ex-boyfriend's mom. I have NO problem telling her about something I think she should know because I care about her son, and because she's a sort-of-kind-of friend.

 

The one and only time I talked with parents that I did not know was when a friend of dd19's was talking suicide. My dd19 said she noticed big changes in his emotional and physical states and that was a huge red flag. I didn't know those parents and I worried I looked absolutely looney for showing up on their doorstep and telling them what my dd19 feared. But I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if anything happened to that child.

[Susan C.]

Well....... if the parents don't know where the kid is and what they are doing..... I have a new stance, being burned by the "if I would want to know"....... They don't want to know. We make our decisions based on that.

[Myra]

While we went as a family to our local movie theater one Saturday night, I see a girl (who was supposed to be away a college for the first time 2 hours away) in the parking lot drinking beer and smoking a ciggie with a group of 4-5 boys! I stopped and said hello and asked if everything was okay. The next morning, I called her mom and told her in the nicest possible way...just an heads-up - no judgement type tone to the phone call..... and the mom told me that I must have been mistaken that it couldn't have been her daughter that I had the conversation with....but thanks for the concern!

 

Six months later - the girl is home from college - pregnant!

 

Oh, well!

[Daisy]

I don't believe in MYOB in regards to teenagers. The parents and the teen can hate my guts. I don't care. If I feel the teenager is engaged in something inappropriate I'm letting the parents know.

[SweetBean]

Honestly, I go with, "Would I want to know?" If, as a parent, its something I would want to know, I speak up.

 

Also depends on how well I know the parent. If I know something is important to them, then yes, I'd say something, even if its something I'd shrug off.

I agree. I did call a neighbor, and acquaintance from church, to inform her that I saw her son steal a street sign, after confronting him in the act, and telling him I'd be letting his mom know; it was not well received by the mom. She seemed to think I was looking down at her son, as if my own kids were perfect. Whatever. I thought it was just courteous to do. If one of my kids does something stupid I want to know!

 

The fact of the matter is, I really like the young man. He is usually a very good kid, but was caught up in the moment, fooling around with friends. His mom is another matter. Way too easily offended. I think the best thing for a kid in that situation is to know that others see what he does, and that he can't get to far off the path.

[Denise in Florida]

Only if they are endangering their (or other's) lives or breaking the law.

 

One time I did call a mom because her son had annoyed EVERY SINGLE FRIEND he had and did not seem to realize it. :glare: I told her to warn him that he might get a cold reception at the next gathering and to be prepared. I would only do that again if I was close to the kids mom.

 

PLEASE NOTE: I have informed both of my kids that if they are out and they or their friends need a safe ride home (no questions asked) I will always come get them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If the teens are at my house and the behavior stops when I ask them too, then I don't tell their parents. If they are really disrespectful if I ask them to stop, then I will tell their parents or if I really don't know them, won't invite them again. If I see teens out in the neighborhood and they are doing something illegal or dangerous I'll tell them to stop and will tell their parents. If they are out in the neighborhood and are just being stupid, then I won't interfere at all.

[twoforjoy]

If the teens are at my house and the behavior stops when I ask them too, then I don't tell their parents. If they are really disrespectful if I ask them to stop, then I will tell their parents or if I really don't know them, won't invite them again. If I see teens out in the neighborhood and they are doing something illegal or dangerous I'll tell them to stop and will tell their parents. If they are out in the neighborhood and are just being stupid, then I won't interfere at all.

 

I think this is how I'd react. Illegal or truly dangerous, and I'd say something. Stupid/inappropriate/irresponsible, probably not, assuming it didn't cross the line into illegal/dangerous.

 

Personally, I'm not comfortable with "I'd want to know" being the criteria. There's all sorts of things I'd like to know, but that doesn't mean that it's other people's responsibility to tell me, or even best if they do.

[Tarreymere]

I tend to let the parents know and let them decide what they want to do. I've done the same with the kids I have babysat over the last year or so, if the parents want to use the information, great. If they would rather pretend their offspring is perfect and I am a nut, great. I don't care.