Frustrated again..

[Mynyel]

I know, I know, I post this stuff a lot but sometimes I just get to blaseted frustrated I don't know what to do.

 

The cause of the frustration? a 9yo boy a 3yo boy and play-dough. Ds9 got some play-doh for Christmas. He hasn't played with it since the week after Christmas, some of them weren't opened at all. Enter ds3. He now wants to play with it (and eat it). Ds9 is pulling the "it's mine" crap.

 

I made some play-dough. Not good enough. Ds3 still wants the play-doh and ds9 is still pulling the "it's mine" crap.

 

What the sam hill am I supposed to do? I just threw the bag of play-dough I made outside, yelled at both kids and am now sitting here dithering over how to handle the whole situation.

 

This isn't the first time this has happened. Ds9 pulled the same crap with his matchbox cars and his legos and a couple others things I can't remember right now. In the case of the cars? He put them in an old plastic drawer, put them on his top shelf of the book case and it sat there for 3 months until ds3 discovered it and started playing with them again, ds9 didn't have a tizzy this time. Maybe that is the key? Putting it up for months at a time. Which is totally unfair to ds3. Especially in the case of play-dough. He loves the stuff.

 

What do I do? I know this is normal in kids, I remember my sisters doing this growing up but how do I nip this? *I* can't handle it. It irritates me. Ds9 can give me *no* reason why ds3 can't play with it.

 

Things have sine diffused. Anyone else go through this and lose it completely? Ds3 just came in with his bag of play-dough and it content now.

 

Do I really have to go off the deep end in order for them to behave? Really?

[*Lulu*]

We get this from time to time in our house. Here is how I deal with it:

 

Each child has two special containers for the things that are most precious to them. They are never required to share what is in those containers, but cannot label items as off limits unless they fit. (We let them move things around after Birthdays and Christmas to put what they really value in, but we do not have willy nilly re-arranging or DS#1 would manipulate the system. However I will let them do a quick rearrangement if they have spent their own money on something and want it to be designated special.) Everything else they buy or are given gets a two week "hands off" period to let the newness wear off, and then must be shared.

 

There are some toys, like playdoh, legos, and blocks that everyone understands will be shared and are stored in common bins. And other toys like DD's american girl, or everyone's sleeping friends that do not have to go into the bins but are still off limits.

[FriedClams]

My kids are very close in age, so it may be different, but they each have one toy that they don't have to share. Everything else is meant to be shared. If they get a present - like the play doh - I'd let them play with it first, then it gets shared. In this case I'd work with the 9 year old on sharing and setting an example and with the three year old on not being destructive. The 9 year old could also play with it when the 3 year old is resting, but I don't allow hoarding or being unkind. If toys are being fought over (and things are being valued over a relationship) the item goes in the trash.

 

I will add that there are certain things that are age appropriate for a nine year old that are not for a three year old. I think it's ok for younger siblings to have to wait for certain privileges. Perhaps the 9 year old, who likely has a later bed time, can play with those special toys that are tough to play with then a toddler is around. But, my overall theory is that things should be used to enjoy time together, not to cause divisions.

[clarkacademy]

Well, I can tell you why mine wouldn't want to share playdough. Because little kids mix it up then as far as my olders are concerned it's trash. I learned long ago that is not going to be a share thing. Could he also feel like you give all his stuff to the younger one?

 

I think making some stuff community and some stuff non sharable is a good idea. I also learned kids don't like being forced to share. I just asked my ten year old if we had a three year old here would he share his legos? He was adamant NO. I asked why he said kids that little would put them in their mouths and throw them all over and tear down what he has built. He builds things that sit for months on a table he would be very sad if some little kid took them apart.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

Well, I can tell you why mine wouldn't want to share playdough. Because little kids mix it up then as far as my olders are concerned it's trash. I learned long ago that is not going to be a share thing. Could he also feel like you give all his stuff to the younger one?

 

I think making some stuff community and some stuff non sharable is a good idea. I also learned kids don't like being forced to share. I just asked my ten year old if we had a three year old here would he share his legos? He was adamant NO. I asked why he said kids that little would put them in their mouths and throw them all over and tear down what he has built. He builds things that sit for months on a table he would be very sad if some little kid took them apart.

 

:iagree: It sounds like your 9 yo has a real need to feel like there are certain things that just "belong" to him, that he has some part of the world that he has a feeling of control. I don't think that is bad. I think we all have that need. We just forget how frustrating it can be to be a kid, and not have any control over anything. I think if he has certain toys that truly are his, and he knows you will back him up on that, he might relax (eventually) and become more generous with the 3 yo with the other toys.

[Margo out of lurking]

I would tell the three year old that the playdoh belongs to his brother. He may not play with it. He may play with the playdoh that I make for him. His brother's things are not his.

 

The difference for me here is the six year age span. Your 9yods should not be expected to share his things with a three year old. If his things sit in a drawer untouched for three months, that would be fine with me. It doesn't mean the three year old has any claim to it. Your older ds should be expected to be a loving older brother; your younger ds can respect the property of others in the house. Again, it's the age difference. If they were much closer in age, my answer would be completely different.

 

It also seems that your 9yo knows that if he stands his ground, the situation will diffuse and he will get his way. That's not necessarily a bad thing that he takes advantage of that. Three year olds are easily distractable.

[Kathleen in VA]

I wouldn't call wanting to have sole ownership of a gift I received crap. If my son wanted to keep his playdough away from a younger sibling I would allow that - especially since that particular item can easily get ruined by a 3yo (mixed colors and all that). 3yo would learn that he can not always have his older brother's belongings and I would not guilt-trip my older child into sharing. Sharing must be voluntary or it isn't really sharing.

 

I understand wanting to teach sharing, but I wouldn't make it mandatory for a child - sucks all the altruism out of it. I would model it, I would suggest it, but I would not demand it. I might, in this case ask older ds if I can borrow some for ds3 with the understanding that I would replace it next time I was at the store (it's pretty cheap). But if he said no, I'd comply with his wishes. After all, it really is his playdough, right?

 

I think it's important for children to have their own things - teaches responsibility and the idea of personal property. Just because 3yo wants the playdough is not sufficient reason to let him have it.

 

I understand your frustration - these little scenarios can really drive one batty.

[ktgrok]

I'd offer to barter for it, or buy it off of him for a dollar or two. whatever it is worth. Here is my reasoning....Honestly, it isn't a matter of sharing when it is playdoh. It will be ruined by the 3 year old. You are asking him to give it away. And if he doesn't want to, fine. Buy it from him or barter for it. Everyone is happy.

[brehon]

I have a 10 yo son and a 4 yo son. We had many of the same issues as do your boys. I do not force my 10 yo to share his toys with his brother; although, I do encourage it.

 

I started trying to mandate that older bro always share with younger bro and it just.didn't.work. So, now, my 10 yo has a couple of baskets that are labelled as his (this is for the benefit of not-yet-reading 4 yo) and little bro may not get anything out of those baskets without asking his brother. AND older brother has the option of saying no and younger bro must respect that. IOW, no crying, whinging, pouting allowed.

 

What I've discovered is that my 10 yo now voluntarily shares more with his little brother. Oh, I also labelled a couple of baskets as just for 4 yo special things and the same rules apply in reverse.

[Mynyel]

Thank you for all the suggestions... I think I will go the bin route. Sounds like it works well.

 

Now to make my Type-A, stubborn 3yo tow the line :P

[Mynyel]

I wouldn't call wanting to have sole ownership of a gift I received crap. If my son wanted to keep his playdough away from a younger sibling I would allow that - especially since that particular item can easily get ruined by a 3yo (mixed colors and all that). 3yo would learn that he can not always have his older brother's belongings and I would not guilt-trip my older child into sharing. Sharing must be voluntary or it isn't really sharing.

 

I understand wanting to teach sharing, but I wouldn't make it mandatory for a child - sucks all the altruism out of it. I would model it, I would suggest it, but I would not demand it. I might, in this case ask older ds if I can borrow some for ds3 with the understanding that I would replace it next time I was at the store (it's pretty cheap). But if he said no, I'd comply with his wishes. After all, it really is his playdough, right?

 

I think it's important for children to have their own things - teaches responsibility and the idea of personal property. Just because 3yo wants the playdough is not sufficient reason to let him have it.

 

I understand your frustration - these little scenarios can really drive one batty.

 

 

Sorry, I wasn't clear, I wasn't calling his gift crap I was calling the "it's mine" that he says crap. :001_smile:

[RanchGirl]

Well, I can tell you why mine wouldn't want to share playdough. Because little kids mix it up then as far as my olders are concerned it's trash. I learned long ago that is not going to be a share thing. Could he also feel like you give all his stuff to the younger one?

 

I think making some stuff community and some stuff non sharable is a good idea.

 

I would not expect a 9yo to share things that will be destroyed. That's not sharing, that's re-gifting.

 

I don't know, but I am guessing, that your 3 yo is throwing a fit because he sensed your indecisiveness? If you just said no, I'll make you your own but big bro is not sharing, and then calmly ignored the fit, would it have ended shortly?

 

I don't think its fair to expect the 9yo to take the blame here, though I can understand desperately needing *someone* to be reasonable and naturally turning to the eldest for that! Three was a tough age with my youngest, but it only took a few times of calmly standing my ground for him to realize he wasn't in charge. At least that's all I remember now, 6 years later. Selective memory is a wonderful thing!

[Kathleen in VA]

Sorry, I wasn't clear, I wasn't calling his gift crap I was calling the "it's mine" that he says crap. :001_smile:

 

That's what I meant - it's not crap to call a gift "mine." If I got it it's mine. Put yourself in his shoes. If you received a gift you wouldn't want to necessarily share it with someone who might abuse it - why should a 9yo feel any differently?

[Aubrey]

There are exceptions to what I'm about to tell you, but they're rare & they make sense...

 

1. "Mine" is a word we don't allow. So at 1-2yo, when they start yelling, MINE!!!, we say, "No--everything we have belongs to God. These are God's legos. But He shares them w/ you..." (Worked well until #3 yelled, "MINE" to little bro about her panties, & I heard myself say, "No, those are God's...panties...wait....")

 

2. We take a little liberty w/ some of the ideas of giving to the Lord: you give/share/think of others before yourself because that's how God has treated you. For the guy who doesn't "share" (based on the parable of the talents w/ some liberties taken)--even what he HAS will be taken from him. Now...I wouldn't take it from 9yo & give it to 3yo RIGHT THEN--resentment would be profound. I'd simply take it away from 9yo. He'd probably get it back when he was willing to share.

 

3. Sibling relationships: siblings are the BEST gift you get from God. They're there for you even after your parents die. TREAT them like they're the best thing you can ever hope to get, the best friend you'll ever have, the people who will comfort you at the lowest points of your life. ALWAYS choose them first. (Easier said when there's only one!)

 

When we first married, I told dh that I believed that a child's loyalty/love for his parents would be relatively natural but for his sibs would be a battle, so we agreed to foster that (sib relations) *even at the expense of our own relationship w/ them.* Iow, you owe MORE loyalty to your sibs than your parents, mainly because you'll have them around longer.

 

In the end, I think that attitude helps all the relationships. I think the main thing between children is competition for parents' attention. Not that any of the last 3 paragraphs have anything to do w/ sharing...oops. :lol:

 

Ok, the exceptions: if it's a toy that the other kid is really too little to play w/, will break, lose, etc, "owner" doesn't have to share, but has to accomplish this w/ kindness--offer a GOOD alternative, play w/ forbidden toy when little is napping, etc. And it's owner's responsibility to keep the toy put away so it doesn't get broken--if he fails to do so, he doesn't get to go screaming mad at little, snatch it away, etc.

 

GL!

[Aubrey]

Ok, so now I've read the thread & find I'm the sole dissenter. Eek! I don't know what to say, but I've got a 10yo & a 2yo, & they share just fine--the age difference hasn't been a point of contention.

 

The 3yo throwing a fit (did I read that right? I noticed it in my 2nd skim through) wouldn't fly, either--our rule is that if you scream for something, the answer's always NO.

 

The particular item could make a difference, but the only time I can think of play-doh being given to one kid & not another, it was 10yo buying it for 2yo. They *always* play play-doh together, & ea kid gets one color at a time & has to clean it up before getting a new color. None of them is really good about it, but none of them complains.

 

So...I don't know. Interesting to see the range of responses. :001_smile:

[Amy in NH]

they each have one toy that they don't have to share. Everything else is meant to be shared. If they get a present - like the play doh - I'd let them play with it first, then it gets shared.

 

:iagree: This is how we do it.