Doran Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 Very dear friends of ours are in the process, now, of divorcing. They are not the first of our friends to do so (not by a long shot!). In nearly every other situation, the friendship was primarily mine with the woman, and not so much with the man. That is again the case this time around. It's very easy/tempting for me (and dh, by association) to "side" with the woman in the end. Have any of you managed to remain friends with both members of a previously married couple, and if so, how? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 I think it depends on what kind of relationship you have invested in w/ each person. If you are good friends w/ both individuals, then yes I believe you can maintain a friendsip w/ both. It may be uncomfortable at first, especially if the divorce is not amicable, and all they want to do is bash their former spouse. In that case, a little distance, or gently steering the conversations to more nuetral topics is in order. Most of the time, like you, we end up remaining friends with the person we became friends with first. I know it's hard, but if you want to remain friends with both, I think you can. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 It isn't necessarily "choosing sides" if you end up being friends with just the woman. What I mean is that I know a number of couples where I am friendly with the husband and we invite both of them to parties or dinner but primarily the woman is really my friend. Usually this is a situation where I had a relationship with the woman for a long time prior to the couple getting married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted May 22, 2008 Author Share Posted May 22, 2008 ...I know a number of couples where I am friendly with the husband and we invite both of them to parties or dinner but primarily the woman is really my friend. This is especially true in the cases of our friends. I was discussing this question with dh last night after we went to bed, and along with stating basically what has been said here, we agreed (this is going to sound awfully callous, sorry!), that in most cases, we wouldn't *want* to continue to have a relationship with the guy. We could think of very few, well, really no examples where we felt the woman wasn't completely justified in her desire for a split and where the man's actions made continuing a relationship very difficult if not impossible. In the current situation, that may be less true. My eyes have been opened a bit to the guy's struggles, and for the first time I feel that we might at least enjoy his continued company were that to occur. Sadly, my dh doesn't really have a relationship with the man -- again, it's me with the woman -- so it may or may not ever come to pass that we have to cross the bridge of how to navigate being friendly with both individuals. Thanks for the feedback. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 It's tough, isn't it? We have the same/reversed situation with a couple that I would have described as "good friends" of ours. The husband and dh were close friends before either got married, and I met the husband before he began dating his wife. We liked her for his sake, and were friends with her because she was married to him... And I don't mean that in the awful way it sounds -- she was a nice woman, just not someone we likely would have been friends with on her own... But when they divorced, it was natural that we remained friends with him, while she drifted away. (And it was easy to see where both were "to blame" and both were hurt by the divorce -- it wasn't a matter of one being above the pale and the other a monster.) I've felt bad about this from time to time -- hoped she didn't feel abandoned. But we were never close individual friends, and we don't have much in common. I'm curious about what you said at the end... Was your dh just never such close friends with the husband? Or does he see the issue of "fault" in this divorce differently than you do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted May 22, 2008 Author Share Posted May 22, 2008 II'm curious about what you said at the end... Was your dh just never such close friends with the husband? Or does he see the issue of "fault" in this divorce differently than you do? No, dh was never such close friends with the husband. Dh will laughingly tell you that he has no friends. It's odd, but not so much when I think of it in a "manly" way (:D) -- dh really doesn't socialize that much. He will occasionally go to the local pub and hang with friends there, but he's really kind of a loner, not much of a partier, not much of a sports buff (though he co-captained his high school football team and was a walk-on lacrosse player at Hobart U. - go figure!?). IOW, he doesn't "connect" with guys the ways lots of guys connect with guys. Also, I think he sees the issue of "fault" a little differently as well. So, it's really both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemyboys Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 (:D) -- dh really doesn't socialize that much. IOW, he doesn't "connect" with guys the ways lots of guys connect with guys. Also, I think he sees the issue of "fault" a little differently as well. So, it's really both. Dh and the husband were close and did do things together quite a bit, projects, sports. We even vacationed with this family a good bit. Now that they're divorced and we're moving near them, I'm wondering how we'll handle it. The wife made lots of harsh accusations that went over the top, but the husband had his faults too. I'm hoping we'll be able to have a decent relationship with the wife, mostly for the sake of seeing their kids who we love, though I imagine we'll be closer with the husband. I'm just wondering if the wife will see that as some kind of betrayal, it was not an amicable situation. How do you manage to stay friends with both when they're not friendly at all with each other? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2legomaniacs Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 My parents divorced about 10 years ago. It was a good thing for them to not be together. They are both better off, especially my mom. My mom is still good friends with one of my dad's brothers and his wife. The others, not so much. Dad was, well, ugly to say the least. He lied and some of his siblings believed him. This one did not and continues to have a friendship with my mom. They do not hide it from my dad but they don't disclose this either. They simply keep it separate. They don't like what my dad did, but were very loving and gracious in supporting him as a brother. They didn't listen to the lies and stayed out of things as they should have. It is possible to do. My aunt and uncle have earned great respect from me for this show of graciousness. I have no relationship with the others of dad's siblings due to his deceit during the divorce. He dragged me into it and lied big time. Fortunately, my dear aunt and uncle (the sane ones) knew better and just stayed supportive of all. Good luck as this is not an easy position to be in. For anyone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 A childhood friend divorced her dh for another man. Her dh was a tremendously great guy: patient, loving, and kind. We really liked him. He was stable, a good provider, great with the kids, and very supportive of whatever she wanted to do. She left her dh because she found someone more exciting. She became really flaky, and now, we have no contact. I wish we had kept in contact with her dh, but at the time of the initial divorce, it seemed weird to stay in contact with him, since she was supposed to be my friend. We only saw them once a year or so when visiting the area. FWIW, I do want to mention that I would be careful about the way in which you support your friend who is going through a divorce. Be her friend, of course, but don't try to be her counselor. My old friend really took under her wing a woman whose dh had left her for another woman, and I think trying to help her through it and deal with all her frustrations at her dh made my friend start to be dissatisfied with her own dh. There may be more to it, but I saw an incredible increase in her annoyance at her own dh after she started spending so much time with the woman whose dh had left her. I've seen that happen with other friends, too. Just a word to the wise.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted May 22, 2008 Author Share Posted May 22, 2008 A childhood friend divorced her dh for another man. Her dh was a tremendously great guy: patient, loving, and kind. We really liked him. He was stable, a good provider, great with the kids, and very supportive of whatever she wanted to do. She left her dh because she found someone more exciting. She became really flaky, and now, we have no contact. I wish we had kept in contact with her dh, but at the time of the initial divorce, it seemed weird to stay in contact with him, since she was supposed to be my friend. We only saw them once a year or so when visiting the area. FWIW, I do want to mention that I would be careful about the way in which you support your friend who is going through a divorce. Be her friend, of course, but don't try to be her counselor. My old friend really took under her wing a woman whose dh had left her for another woman, and I think trying to help her through it and deal with all her frustrations at her dh made my friend start to be dissatisfied with her own dh. There may be more to it, but I saw an incredible increase in her annoyance at her own dh after she started spending so much time with the woman whose dh had left her. I've seen that happen with other friends, too. Just a word to the wise.... I appreiate your concern. Sadly, I have supported a small herd of woman friends through divorce. Two were married to alcoholics. Two to philanderers. One to a man who refused to treat his chronic depression and could not, therefore, hold down a steady job to help support their three children (in this case, dw was employed full time). A sixth was a combination of the first three problems all wrapped up into one man. Yipes!! No, I have learned pretty well how to keep appropriate boundaries with my women friends -- or at least, to date, I have been able to do that. And, what ends up happening for me is that I am struck all over again as to just how wonderful my guy is! :D But, I think you are wise to offer the advice you did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 It's tough, isn't it? We have the same/reversed situation with a couple that I would have described as "good friends" of ours. The husband and dh were close friends before either got married, and I met the husband before he began dating his wife. We liked her for his sake, and were friends with her because she was married to him... And I don't mean that in the awful way it sounds -- she was a nice woman, just not someone we likely would have been friends with on her own... But when they divorced, it was natural that we remained friends with him, while she drifted away. (And it was easy to see where both were "to blame" and both were hurt by the divorce -- it wasn't a matter of one being above the pale and the other a monster.) I've felt bad about this from time to time -- hoped she didn't feel abandoned. But we were never close individual friends, and we don't have much in common. We are about to face the same situation with a couple we have both known since before we all had children and our oldest kids (both born in the same year) are seventeen. I thought about it last night when I received the e-mail. It didn't come out of the blue but one always hopes the titanic may turn around. I don't know yet how this one will end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 It's tough, isn't it? We have the same/reversed situation with a couple that I would have described as "good friends" of ours. The husband and dh were close friends before either got married, and I met the husband before he began dating his wife. We liked her for his sake, and were friends with her because she was married to him... And I don't mean that in the awful way it sounds -- she was a nice woman, just not someone we likely would have been friends with on her own... But when they divorced, it was natural that we remained friends with him, while she drifted away. (And it was easy to see where both were "to blame" and both were hurt by the divorce -- it wasn't a matter of one being above the pale and the other a monster.) I've felt bad about this from time to time -- hoped she didn't feel abandoned. But we were never close individual friends, and we don't have much in common. We are about to face the same situation with a couple we have both known since before we all had children and our oldest kids (both born in the same year) are seventeen. I thought about it last night when I received the e-mail. It didn't come out of the blue but one always hopes the Titanic may turn around. I don't know yet how this one will end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin Hood Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 Many of the friends I made when I was married to my 1st husband because I was his wife, have remained my friends. I value their friendships. They have remained cordial to 1st husband, but not friends. He has proved who he is now, having decieved us all, 3 marriages later and strung out on drugs, after once having been a pastor. Yep, I was a pastor's wife who kept things covered up. I was his 1st wife and and my strong will kept us going everytime he wanted to give up until I finally gave up and let him go his way. It was eye opening for his friends. I let them dislike me. After a year, I recieved many apologies and faithful friends. I doubt if that is the case for you, though. I am just letting you know, that things will show themselves in time. Just be there for them both right now. They will do the choosing, most likely. I had some dear friends who really messed up badly. I cannot remain friends with any of them. I tried. It was a really ugly triangular thing. You see, I chose. I just can't be their friends, but I am cordial. I hope the future changes things, but for now, no way. I was too involved in trying to help them stay married to their original parnters, but they had their minds made up. I won't even enter a discussion about them. I have learned to remain silent so that others will not judge them because of what I saw but on their own merits. Either way, divorce it awful. Just awful. I wish it didn't have to be. It hurts sooooo many people. Especially the children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted May 23, 2008 Author Share Posted May 23, 2008 ...I am just letting you know, that things will show themselves in time. Just be there for them both right now. They will do the choosing, most likely. ...I have learned to remain silent so that others will not judge them because of what I saw but on their own merits. Either way, divorce it awful. Just awful. I wish it didn't have to be. It hurts sooooo many people. Especially the children. I appreciate your candor and insight. These are wise words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin in Tx Posted May 23, 2008 Share Posted May 23, 2008 Oh, ((Doran)), I'm so sorry this is happening to your friends. Certainly divorce is most painful to the couple going through it and their immediate family, but the collateral damage is underestimated, imo. Unfortunately, most people I know who have divorced have ended up moving on to other friendships altogether (both of them), or it was like they divided up their friends like they divided up everything else (He got the Millers, she got the Davidsons). I think it's hard to maintain the same level of friendship with both, because both of them will move on and start new relatoinsihps and they won't be comfortable coming to the same social events. I don't think you have to side with one... just hang on to the friendship that is the most special/important to you and let the other one go if it drifts in that direction. Naturally, you're going to be better friends with the woman, I would think. Sniff. Divorce hurts so many... Robin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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