Poll: You see a teen girl you know smoking. Do you tell her mom?

[AndyJoy]

AndyJoy, I think I'm probably old enough to be your mother. LOL I've noticed this generation gap on the boards before. We older ones just come from a time when nearly-grown children were not seen as fragile toddlers, and we have the life experience to try to evaluate whether we'd do more harm than good by going to another parent with our opinions and observations. Life isn't black-and-white. The default ethic is not to run and tell the parents of older teens about their kids' behavior all the time.

 

The girl in question is 17! When I was 17, I had graduated high school and obtained a full-time job, apartment, and car. It would have been ridiculous for anyone to tell my Mom anything about my choices. She'd stopped raising me and I'd taken over.

 

Nowadays, as a parent of teens, I honestly cannot come up with any blanket rules about dealing with other parents of teens. In the age of Facebook (was MySpace first) I always feel as if I'd fallen down the rabbit hole. Kids are doing everything short of shooting up and fornicating right in livid color in their Facebook photos...and their FB 'friends' include their parents, aunts, uncles, and their pastors and schoolteachers. And nobody says a mumbling word.

 

So the OP tells us this girl has a FB page like that, and the mother knows of it. Mom has washed her hands of the day-to-day business of raising this girl, but she has connected her with professionals. (The OP mentioned anti-depressant meds and a therapist.)

 

So, yeah, unless I thought speaking to the girl herself would be well-received, I'd stand over to the side with my 10ft. pole.

 

And choosing not to inform on practically-grown children to their parents is not 'withholding information.' In my day, we called that 'minding our own business.'

 

The OP said she was 15--does that change anything?

 

I definitely don't see this as black-and-white, though I can see how I came across that way. Mostly I'm just really surprised that so many people jumped to "don't tell because you know how to deal with this better than the mom." That seems like an awfully black-and-white leap based on a few posts by a stranger on the internet describing someone else's relationship. My default would be to tell because the girl is 15, not nearly 18, though if I were actually the OP I would have more information and might not go with my default.

 

I think our differing views have less to do with age and more with upbringing or personal beliefs. At nearly 60 my mom is old enough to be my mom :D, but I am 100% sure she would talk to the mom in this situation. Maybe it's an oldest chlid approach to life? Maybe we should have yet another poll based on birth order:lol:.

[raceNzanesmom]

Well, she's 15. Mom has pretty much washed her hands of her and put her in public school. I've known her since she was 8. She's always had problems fitting in, being a little wild. She was one of my dd's best friends up until 18 months ago. She's going to therapy and on anti-depressants. She seems very happy, but I know that she's told my dd in the past that she's depressed and has been suicidal. It makes me very sad.

 

I would probably also talk to the teen, perhaps first. But, yes, I'd most likely tell the parent too.

 

It's really too bad that parents give up on a 15 y/o. So many will make it through if only the parent(s) will hang in there.

[AndyJoy]

Age-wise I may not be from your generation (I don't know - I'm 38) but I was brought up by two parents who just missed the depression in a very old-fashioned rural community.

 

No, teenagers weren't seen as fragile but by the whistlin' Jehosephat if a 17 year old was seen doing something by a neighbour that that neighbour knew that parents disapproved of you can BET they'd be calling up the parents (And since we were all on party lines everybody would know what the teen did in short order :)).

 

What the parent choose to do with that information was their business but it didn't stop neighbours from giving them a heads up.

:iagree:I don't want the village raising my child, but I do want them to keep an eye out for me! The rural community I grew up in was like this. I wish people would get in each others' business a bit more these days when it comes to intervening in destructive behavior.

 

I know I can't equate my feelings as an involved mom with those of the mom who appears to have "given up," but I don't think she forfeits the right to be notified about her teen's destructive behavior based on an outsider's perception of how she might take the information (unless true abuse is known).

[mdmurray]

I voted other, I would approach the girl and talk to her directly.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I voted other. It would totally depend on the relationship I had with the mother. In this case, I may not say anything.

[Ginevra]

I would preface it by saying, "This may not be any of my business, but i just wanted to let you know what I saw in case you weren't aware of it...Sue was smoking at Bob's Corner Store."

 

Once it had been mentioned, I'd be finished with it.

[Pippen]

Well, she's 15. Mom has pretty much washed her hands of her and put her in public school. I've known her since she was 8. She's always had problems fitting in, being a little wild. She was one of my dd's best friends up until 18 months ago. She's going to therapy and on anti-depressants. She seems very happy, but I know that she's told my dd in the past that she's depressed and has been suicidal. It makes me very sad.

 

I voted "yes" until I read this. I'd say smoking is a non-issue in light of everything else this family is dealing with.

 

Changing my vote to "no".

[Lolly]

No. If the mother wants to know, she knows. If she doesn't want to know, she doesn't.

[HSMom2One]

I think I'd like to talk to the girl first and offer her an opportunity to go with me to talk to her mother. I'd give her the choice of joining me and confessing to the truth with a friend by her side, or having me go without her to see her mom and facing the music later. Either way, she'd know that the gig is up.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda