If your child doesn't like to play with other kids, what do you do about it?

[OrganicAnn]

Especially for parents of only children, but anyone that has suggestions is welcome. Does your child play (well) with other kids? If not, what can you do about it? Do you try to do anything about it?

 

My DD 7yo sometimes will play well with a child we randomly encounter (like at GM's pool), but often she will ignore other kids and want to play only with DH, myself or by herself. We don't live in a suburban neighborhood with built in playmates. We don't have cousins near by. She does participate in various activities on a regular basis. We went to a birthday party yesterday with some kids she knows. It was a pool party. I stayed because there were lots of activity and no one paying close attention to the pool. She enjoyed swimming and playing, but she really didn't interact much with the other kids. She did more parallel play.

 

At various times we've made big efforts to get together with other girls for her to play with. But she didn't really improve at 'playing with others' and we were worn out organizing this.

 

So do we keep trying? (and give some suggestions on what we should be doing) Or drop it and assume it is just her personality.

 

I feel I post this exact thread every few years, so thanks for bearing with me on this topic.

[AK_Mom4]

If she is involved in activities with other kids and is generally happy and not moping about having no one to play with, then I think I would be fine with it. Some kids just prefer to play alone, I think. I have one like that - he preferred to read or do his own thing at that age. He had a neighbor friend he would play with occasionally, but not often. My DD10 on the other hand makes friends everywhere she goes and prefers to play with others. Just different personalities, I think.

 

If she is moping about never having anyone to play with, then I would suck it up and arrange to have friends over for her to play with on a regular basis - no matter how tired it made me to have to do all the arranging (you do when they are 7yo, I found). And I would probably coach her a little one-on-one on playing with her friend during the play date.

 

But if she is happy with the way things are, I would let it alone.

[stripe]

Do you have any cousins or other relatives? Your friends with kids?

 

My kids have improved with time and play with neighbors. In their case it helps to be a team. We had really sweet neighbors stay near us but only for a few months and it helped a lot.

 

I think it's good to build a relationship with someone. Like, one or two someones, not a big group. I couldn't handle that either.

[Tohru]

My ds was like this too. He was an only child for his first 11 years :)

We just made sure that he had opportunities for social interaction, but never pushed the actual social interacting too much. He's always been more mature and never understood the silliness of children his own age (even now with other teens.) Now he's fine and happy, still prefers the company of adults.

 

Some children and people need more social interaction than others and some can do with or without socialization.

[Recovering Sociopath]

It could be she is just an introvert and prefers her own company to that of anyone she's met yet. Believe me, I know what it's like to be that kid! I am an INFP with the I & P parts strongly pronounced.

 

Even as an introverted kid, though, I would occasionally get wistful about having a good friend. And one ongoing issue for me was that I was very socially awkward for a long time-- probably until my junior year in high school. Looking back, I think it was just that I hadn't had much practice.

 

So as long as she's amenable to it, I would keep giving her the opportunity to socialize, but not force it on her.

[kalanamak]

When I was little, I preferred the company of adults. My mother once remarked I was an "old Maid Aunt" at 7. No parties, no class skate rink trips, etc. By the time I was 11 I was in a club with only adults, and was well behaved and accepted. Other kids seemed so ... unfair, silly, arbitrary, unkind, and uninteresting. Funny, I started liking kids when I was in my 40s!

 

I did like the kids I went to school with in Australia, but the level of behavior and the pursuits were much more to my liking (chess club, a choir) and there were no mean snobby kids.

[ChristusG]

My girls are like this.

 

We attend church and a weekly homeschool group. In her earlier years, DD7 has participated in ballet, playgroups, and soccer. In all of these settings, she talks to/plays with no one. Neither does my 4 year old. Together, they play fabulously. And the only other children they will interact with is their cousins who we see about once a month...they are three girls that are 7, 10, and 14.

[Aelwydd]

Especially for parents of only children, but anyone that has suggestions is welcome. Does your child play (well) with other kids? If not, what can you do about it? Do you try to do anything about it?

 

My DD 7yo sometimes will play well with a child we randomly encounter (like at GM's pool), but often she will ignore other kids and want to play only with DH, myself or by herself. We don't live in a suburban neighborhood with built in playmates. We don't have cousins near by. She does participate in various activities on a regular basis. We went to a birthday party yesterday with some kids she knows. It was a pool party. I stayed because there were lots of activity and no one paying close attention to the pool. She enjoyed swimming and playing, but she really didn't interact much with the other kids. She did more parallel play.

 

At various times we've made big efforts to get together with other girls for her to play with. But she didn't really improve at 'playing with others' and we were worn out organizing this.

 

So do we keep trying? (and give some suggestions on what we should be doing) Or drop it and assume it is just her personality.

 

I feel I post this exact thread every few years, so thanks for bearing with me on this topic.

 

Does she play a sport? I would suggest putting her in something like martial arts, because it builds confidence, something that can really help introverts connect with others.

 

My ds is an only child, and is very outgoing and loves other children and even babies. He plays hockey and swims and takes Tae Kwon Do classes. He's always complaining that he doesn't have even more friends, and is a reason we're seriously considering putting him back in ps in the fall. Some kids are just extroverts like that.

Edited June 26, 2011 by Aelwydd

[sparrow]

I used to worry about my son. He's 11 now, but he always had a hard time playing with other kids. He doesn't like games or a lot of the roughhousing that other boys start up when they're within 2 feet of each other. He's always been quite content to play alone. He gets along better with older children/teens. He did extremely well in Cub Scouts, but made few friends. He met with his new Boy Scout troop once and he is already forging bonds with the other boys, because they're older and less crrraaaazzzzy. (and they like Doctor Who ;))

 

My daughter is able to find friends and play wherever she goes. Just two different kids.

 

I've been down the path of trying to organize playdates where there simply is no interest and have found it's just not worth the stress. As long as the child is in activities and isn't miserable saying "I have no friends", I'd let it go. Everyone is much happier that way :001_smile:.

[reet3]

IMO, introverts take a bit more effort on the part of us parents. Mine struggles feeling comfortable with new groups. Then it becomes a vicious cycle and makes it harder for her to reach out the next time they meet. One thing I've found that helps is a regular schedule of frequent and extended time with others. Then it becomes almost impossible not to relax and have fun. And having a specific purpose, chore, or activity seems to help too.

[stripe]

You may be surprised too to find that your child may get along better and overcome shyness more with a more outgoing other child, rather than one who is quiet like her.

Edited June 27, 2011 by stripe

[OrganicAnn]

Thanks all! Really appreciate it!

 

She never mopes around for friends to play with. She's a daddy's girl and only mopes if she doesn't get enough time with dad.

 

She isn't involved in any sport, we have looked into various things. She was in dance at a younger age and did okay but was very distracted. She'll take swimming lessons this summer, but that isn't really a social activity.

 

She is not shy, but may be introverted. I'm not really sure. She will quite willingly be the center of family attention. She will freely go up on talk to my mom's neighbors (senior community). There are several old men and women she knows and she'll go up and talk to and pat their arms or give them a hug.

 

I guess I worry that she has never learned the give and take of playing with kids her age. When she plays with adults, they basically do what she wants to do and follows her lead. I worry that the she'll think the world should operate this way.

 

I feel a little better. Thanks.

[Sevilla]

Do you suspect any special needs? Some children are introverted and some are extroverted, but it is normal developmentally to desire to have a friend to play with - introverted children tend to prefer one or two (max) 'best friends' to spend time with, extroverted children tend to enjoy a larger group. But not interacting with other kids much at all and no desire to do so would really concern me developmentally in a child her age.

 

I guess I worry that she has never learned the give and take of playing with kids her age. When she plays with adults, they basically do what she wants to do and follows her lead. I worry that the she'll think the world should operate this way.

That is why I would be concerned about not playing with other kids - there are *different* social skills learned by playing/talking with adults than those you learn by playing with other children. You might find these books quite helpful for you as a parent to understand the developmental steps to healthy social skills in kids and see where your DD is at and whether she'd benefit form an evaluation or more intense work on your part:

 

The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends by Natalie Madorsky Elman (if you scroll through the table of contents using the Search Inside This Book feature)

 

Raise Your Child's Social IQ: Stepping Stones to People Skills for Kids by Cathi Cohen

[Snickerdoodle]

I think there's a difference between playing with a particular set of kids on a regular basis and the spontaneous play with less well known kids.

 

Some kids find the latter scenario a bit overwhelming or feel more insecure about joining in. It can take them time to warm up to less well known peers.

 

Is there a way to build a small community of friends that she sees on a more regular basis?