Fill in the blank. My mother-in-law gets on my nerves because ______.

[Jen in PA]

What I find is that I get along fine with my MIL except for one thing -- and this is the sort of thing that can/will derail our entire relationship. She tends to overlook everything about DS... b-days, interests, etc. He was her last grandchild and the only one she didn't make a homemade blanket for. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a month before he was born, was visiting family out of state pre-chemo when he was born, I really tried to cut a lot of slack because of all of that..... But since then she has become a great-grandmother,, makes much more fuss over other grandkids/great-grandkids, and even DS has started to notice. She made a huge big deal over how every child in the family has a blanket from her.... I guess Ds isn't in the family? She always calls Ds by the name of his younger cousin, too, and it does hurt his feelings. It really hurt me that no one in Dh's family came to the hospital when DS was born just because MIL couldn't be there. DH intervened earlier this month -- he called his mother on DS's b-day and told her it was his birthday. She was shocked, asked mid-call when his b-day was. What?!

[BethG]

Beth, it sounds like you are such a mature, godly person. The way you have considered her upbringing with compassion, and have tried to encourage her about the way she raised your dh, are truly commendable. I admire you and I think you're on the right track to making peace with this in your heart.

 

I think you're right about accepting the way it is going to be. I have a stepfather who drives me insane. He is selfish, petty, controlling, etc. Every visit to my mom's and his house was this extremely emotional, painful thing for me until my dh gently suggested that I just EXPECT him to act that way and pray for grace to handle it when (not if) it happens. Part of the pain was being blindsided by it every time. Yes, his selfishness and unkindness still hurts a lot, but somehow it's easier when I don't have some hope that it'll be different. I'm not saying to be bitter or fatalistic, but maybe to make peace with how she is.

 

I would be SO with you on the mama bear thing about the gifts. Do your kids notice/comment? Do you have any idea why (in her mind) she does this?

 

Sometimes I think moms feel closer to their daughters' kids than their sons' kids. Maybe they see the gateway to children as their mother, so if the mother is a known entity (the daughter you raised) rather than a "newcomer" it's easier. I don't know, but I can understand it, projecting myself there... I might have more confidence that I am wanted by my daughter than daughters-in-law. HOWEVER, I am resolved NOT to act on this possible insecurity but to shower all my grands with love and time and affection equally, when that time comes.

 

A lot of people are of the bent that you remove yourself from "toxic" relationships and don't look back. I guess that's not my take. Jesus calls us the turn the other cheek, go another mile, etc. I think He'll give you grace to do that.

 

Thanks for this.

I do need a double serving of His Grace to help me.

To answer your question....now that they're old enough to notice it, we head it off on the way and by not cutting down her, but we say, "No matter what gift you open, no matter if it's not your favorite or what you've hoped for, we say a genuine thank you no matter what....." And, they do. This past Christmas, the 3 gifts she gave my kids (she gave each grand 3 things to open) were things they already had (and, lest you be tempted to say "OH well your kids have too much."...she gave things that MOST kids have, she gave them the game MEMORY, CANDY LAND, and a magnet for the frig). Now....my kids opened and said thanks and were sweet and I was so proud at how they didn't act disappointed. But, here was the kicker, ---- she gave the others big, nice items they had asked for (they were certain "characters" from some collection) and the whole time each one of them was opening their gifts she would say, "I just worried and worried that you already had that one already....I went to your room and looked to make sure you didn't have it.....(more of the same)." In short, NOT disappointing the others was a MAJOR verbalized theme -- so what does this say to my kids who are looking at three toys that they have had (on clear display in their little playroom) for years? And, I thought --- if she'd have given it a thought for mine (or, heaven forbid, one of us a call) then they could have actually gotten something new/different. I didn't say this to the kids -- only to my husband.

But, I will say, that it was one of the most proud moments I had of my kids -- their response. So in a weird way, she did give me THAT gift, eh?!?!

My husband says it's good for them to get some practice that life's not fair and that we'll just have to teach them the reality and that in a year or two they'll be old enough for more explanation.

 

FWIW, all of the grands are within 3 years of one another in age and are all boys. So, it makes it even more obvious when one gets a cool toy.

Also....what made this worse is that we make it a point that we don't let our kids get many toys throughout the year except for birthday and Christmas, so they do get their hearts reved up a bit more for it only to be let down.

Please PRAY for me that I'll be Christ-like in spite of it. It's just soo hard.

[BethG]

This book has helped me a lot on that front. I struggle similarly.

http://www.amazon.com/Pleasing-People-How-22approval-junkie-22/dp/1596380551

 

Also -- I'd keep pursuing. We loved because He first loved us. Use that as your model and maybe one day she'll turn around and surprise you, and reciprocate. Or maybe not, but you can at least know you pleased God by continuing to love her.

 

 

ordering this TODAY!!! seriously.

[BethG]

What I find is that I get along fine with my MIL except for one thing -- and this is the sort of thing that can/will derail our entire relationship. She tends to overlook everything about DS... b-days, interests, etc. He was her last grandchild and the only one she didn't make a homemade blanket for. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a month before he was born, was visiting family out of state pre-chemo when he was born, I really tried to cut a lot of slack because of all of that..... But since then she has become a great-grandmother,, makes much more fuss over other grandkids/great-grandkids, and even DS has started to notice. She made a huge big deal over how every child in the family has a blanket from her.... I guess Ds isn't in the family? She always calls Ds by the name of his younger cousin, too, and it does hurt his feelings. It really hurt me that no one in Dh's family came to the hospital when DS was born just because MIL couldn't be there. DH intervened earlier this month -- he called his mother on DS's b-day and told her it was his birthday. She was shocked, asked mid-call when his b-day was. What?!

 

:ohmy: oh my gravy! what's up with that!?!?!!!!!

How many grands does she have?

Is yours only grandson?

[DawnM]

Are our MILs related?

 

My kids are the bottom of the barrel to her. Her daughter's kids can do NO WRONG and get the world. My kids get the leftovers.

 

Dawn

 

Just curious if anyone shares my pain and if there are any "common denominators" out there and also would love to hear how you cope / deal with it.

 

I'll start.

My mother-in-law gets on my nerves ____because she shows clear favoritism among the grandkids and mine are on the SHORT end of this stick. Whatever her daughter (my SIL) does is the gold standard (insofar as it mimics MIL's parenting) and any dissenters (her son and I) are idiots. She never affirms anything we do and acknowledges NO positive traits of my kids and yet the other set of grands are just perfect from the way they wipe their rears to the way they know all the characters by heart of every TV show that graces the on-constantly TV.....(I'll stop here but know that I could write a six volume set of the garbage she dishes out to us).

 

One example....

She nor my SIL choose to breastfeed. I did. She lives 6 minutes from my house and NEVER calls or makes any effort to see my kids. She claims that the reason she didn't "bond" with them is because I breastfed them and since they so preferred ME (as infants!!!!) that she just wasn't "allowed" to bond and I'm bearing the fruits of "my choice." I do all the pursuing of ANY contact my kids have with her. She sometimes ACCEPTS my pursuits, but NEVER initiates them.

 

Another example:

Years ago (when my son was 3) my husband said, "Why don't you tell MiMi the Apostle's Creed you've been learning?" (for those of you unfamiliar with the Apostle's Creed...it's about as long as the 23rd Psalm and it's a man-made summary/creed of some of the major theological truths we believe.). So, my son recites it. When he gets through, she says, "Not that he knows what any of that means, but it sounded good to me." (Any positive is tempered with some negative).

 

I SOOOO wish it didn't bother me so much, but it really does.

My husband just encourages me to ignore it and to not let it bother me, etc. and he's able to do this (suppose a lifetime of putting up with her gave him plenty of practice), but I'm just not. I want to go off on her and confront her, but it won't help anything or change her.

 

How do you cope and move on?

[gardening momma]

Are you married to my brother? ;)

Can't be...see below...

 

In my life something that i have noticed, the MIL that are the worst tend to only have one daughter. I have seen this so many times.

 

The daughter in law does not raise her kids the same way. Where as the only daughter tends to me a extension of the mother.

My MIL has no daughters and has no sisters, only brothers. I think this has something to do with the problem, but not all.

[Jen in PA]

:ohmy: oh my gravy! what's up with that!?!?!!!!!

How many grands does she have?

Is yours only grandson?

 

3 grandsons and 3 granddaughters older than ds, plus my great-nephew, who is her great-grandson. When I was pregnant with DS my FIL called him the tiebreaker, but he passed away 3 months before DS was born. I do get the idea that my Dc are younger than her other grandkids, but there is still some weirdness about how she treats my kids, and it is most pronounced with poor DS.

[ChandlerMom]

W H Y C A N ' T I A C C E P T I T?:banghead:

 

My husband says I'm making an idol out of the praise (affirmation) of men.

Ok...now what? How do I get over it?

 

It just sounds so wrong to not see family less than 10 minutes down the road. If I don't call her, we'd never see her except on holidays. Is this what I should do? Just not pursue a relatioship at all and let her do any/all of the pursuing!?

 

Um, yes, absolutely. :D

 

Perhaps it might help to put it in perspective: what is the purpose of your relationship with MIL? Is it really to get affirmation for YOU? Is it for the kids (in which case you have to ask if it is benefitting them currently)? Is it to support your dh's relationship to his mom (in which case you need to be cognoscente of how often HE wants to see her)?

 

Once you have a clear idea about what is important, you can make better decisions about how often and on what terms you want to see her.

 

You might find that when you stop pursuing her, she may decide to pursue you. IMO, as long as you are doing the pursuing you are enabling her bad behavior and validating her right to behave badly. You cannot change her. All you can do is find a way to manage your interactions with her to be as healthy and positive for you all as possible. A bit of distance might also help you keep your heart open if she should choose to make an effort.

 

As to toxicity: I don't agree that we should bring toxic people into our lives, and especially our children's lives. We try to teach our children to be kind and respectful to everyone, even the toxic. But we also try to teach them to not allow toxic people to harm or abuse them. We talk honestly with our kids (as age appropriate) about why MIL isn't allowed to be unsupervised with them. I think sometimes we try so hard to be "accepting" and "forgiving" that we don't realize what messages we are sending our kids. It's great to model graciousness and tolerance, but I don't want to accidentally send the message that anyone (even grandma) should be allowed to be abusive (verbally or physically) or that "good manners" are more important than confronting injustice or cruelty. I'd rather my kids go thru life protecting the weak and tilting windmills of injustice than "smiling and getting along no matter what". kwim?

[emeraldjoy]

Every time I read this title I cringed a bit for some reason. I didn't even want to enter, but did finally.

I read through some of the thread, scanned the rest.

 

Although I don't want to discount anyone's stories that are the cause of pain and hardship to you as mother's, your husbands, and children....I would like to offer another perspective.

 

.........I am annoyed with my mother-in-law because she is an amazing, creative, intelligent, and kind woman who is completely 100% incapacitated because of alchohol. My husband has never had a mother who could be present and my children have to remind her of their names when we see her.

 

There are no gifts or cards or phone calls (that make sense that is) and there never has been. For some reason though I can't even really say that I am annoyed with her......just sad because of her loss of potential and that (without a miracle) my kids will lose out on the opportunity to know her for real.

 

e

[BethG]

Um, yes, absolutely. :D

 

Perhaps it might help to put it in perspective: what is the purpose of your relationship with MIL? Is it really to get affirmation for YOU? Is it for the kids (in which case you have to ask if it is benefitting them currently)? Is it to support your dh's relationship to his mom (in which case you need to be cognoscente of how often HE wants to see her)?

 

Once you have a clear idea about what is important, you can make better decisions about how often and on what terms you want to see her.

 

You might find that when you stop pursuing her, she may decide to pursue you. IMO, as long as you are doing the pursuing you are enabling her bad behavior and validating her right to behave badly. You cannot change her. All you can do is find a way to manage your interactions with her to be as healthy and positive for you all as possible. A bit of distance might also help you keep your heart open if she should choose to make an effort.

 

As to toxicity: I don't agree that we should bring toxic people into our lives, and especially our children's lives. We try to teach our children to be kind and respectful to everyone, even the toxic. But we also try to teach them to not allow toxic people to harm or abuse them. We talk honestly with our kids (as age appropriate) about why MIL isn't allowed to be unsupervised with them. I think sometimes we try so hard to be "accepting" and "forgiving" that we don't realize what messages we are sending our kids. It's great to model graciousness and tolerance, but I don't want to accidentally send the message that anyone (even grandma) should be allowed to be abusive (verbally or physically) or that "good manners" are more important than confronting injustice or cruelty. I'd rather my kids go thru life protecting the weak and tilting windmills of injustice than "smiling and getting along no matter what". kwim?

 

There's a famous quote or 2 in those last few lines.:D

 

As far as the not pursuing her issue, if I don't pursue, she doesn't pursue at all. On rare occasions, about every 3 months, she'll invite us to join the others who are already at her home, but other than that, she doesn't call or nothing. She occasionally accepts my overtours (which I am always wondering if she wants us there at all given the never pursuing the relationship), but never pursues on her own. And, with my husband's job (he works 50+ hours a week), he can't do the pursuing; she would HAVE to go through me since I'm home full time, and she just doesn't want to. Now, she'll call when she needs to use my husband's truck, etc. but --- for the purpose of seeing the kiddos --- nada!

[elizabeth]

My mother in law gets on my nerves - because I never was able to meet her and from all reports she was delightful. A master mah jong player, a formidable cook and a fine writer/journalist. I would have so enjoyed her company.

[newbie]

she doesnt follow house rules. She lives w/us.

[BatmansWife]

I haven't read all the pages. I actually get along pretty well with my MIL. The only thing I could think of was:

 

My mother-in-law gets on my nerves because she walks on my carpet with her shoes on.

 

:lol: We don't allow shoes on in our house and we even have a little sign on our door "please remove shoes" (not that we ever, ever have company...only the inlaws 2 times a year). She never takes her shoes off. But....this last time she had new slip on shoes and she did take them off. Anyway....I know it's a weird fill-in-th-blank...but I'm kind of OCD about stuff. :D

[jenL]

My MIL gets on my nerves because she is controlling, judgemental, selfish, and cannot be accountable for any of her actions. Fwiw, FIL is the same way... I really do not know how my dh and his brother came out okay after living with the 2 of them.

 

In all fairness, I should add that she is very good with my boys, so I am grateful for that.

[Virg]

....because she hates me :( I really wanted my future MIL to like me. It breaks my heart that she can't stand me, she has since the first time she met me. The worst part is she won't tell anyone why she dislikes me so much. :(

[kalanamak]

 

My husband says it's good for them to get some practice that life's not fair and that we'll just have to teach them the reality and that in a year or two they'll be old enough for more explanation.

 

Personally, I would be honest with the kids about how odd this all is, and use it as a teaching point that THEY grow up to be fair.