WWYD regarding Dh's family reunion?

[Veritaserum]

Dh is the oldest of four siblings. His parents recently moved out of our home after living with us for three years. They are emotionally manipulative. I had to basically threaten divorce if they didn't move out because it was a toxic arrangement for me. They moved out last month. :party:

 

Anyway, dh's brother and one of his sisters want to plan a family reunion for next year in May. May is the best time for both of their work schedules and other SIL's dh's school schedule. In general, May is a fine time for us. However:

 

1. Dh's brother and sister want to do a cruise. BIL has one child who will be 2.5 next May. We have five children. Nobody else has any. A cruise would be very expensive for us because we have seven people in our family. We could afford it, but I'm not sure it would be enjoyable for our family. If the cruise takes us out of the country, we'd have to get passports for all the kids.

 

2. Dh's family NEVER considers what kinds of activities would work for both adults and children. We have been excluded from family things many times because the chosen activities are unsuitable for children. So, we could choose not participate in the reunion if the cruise is what they choose, but it's upsetting that more consideration wasn't given to choosing an activity that would work for ALL members of the family. We have been given the option to go on the cruise without our kids, but that seems to defeat the point of a family reunion. :(

 

3. We haven't told dh's family, but we are planning to add baby #6 next year. We actually plan for the baby to arrive sometime between May - July. If we wanted to go on the cruise, I'd have to postpone getting pregnant for 4-5 months due to cruise restrictions during pregnancy (<24 weeks) and infants (>6 months). I do not want to give birth during the school year (fall/winter in particular) :glare:

 

Dh says that BIL is trying to recreate the reunions they did as a kid. The format for those were basically to rent a beach house and relax. I am TOTALLY on board with that kind of reunion. :) If we aimed for a July+ baby, I would be fine to travel within the country. Alternatively, we could have a March baby and travel after the baby comes....

 

What would you do? I'd have to convince dh to communicate with his family on our behalf because they don't listen to me. :(

[J-rap]

I would say something like, "Sorry, it won't work out for our family to do that this year. Perhaps another year." Then try and get pregnant as planned, and you'll have even more of an excuse not to go. If they don't have their hearts set on a cruise, perhaps they'll try and understand your situation better and think about switching it to something like a beach resort. If not, you can plan the beach resort vacation yourself, for your husband and kids. :)

[JFSinIL]

I'd skip the cruise - just tell them it is not feasible. No need to go into details.

 

Hubby's family was like that - get-togethers geared towards the six adult "kids" and the parents - grandkids expected to entertain themselves.

[blakereese]

Keep it simple. The more you say, the more they will turn it around to make you the bad guy. Trust me, I know how that works. :glare:

 

Just say that you can't do a cruise next year, sorry. Leave it at that. See if they decide to gear it another way, and you can add your suggestions. I have only made it to one family reunion since we have had kids, it is just too hard. I'm the only one of my siblings with children, so of course my sisters can easily go. They all will understand when they have their own families. It is harder (and more expensive!!) than they can imagine.

 

I would also just go along with your baby plans, and not let that be a part of it. You'll get pregnant when it is meant to happen, you only have so much control over that. That is a decision between you and your DH and I wouldn't let his family dictate when you are ready for that (especially since you already have a good plan).

 

You have done a lot for that side of the family, I do not feel like you need to keep making sacrifices.

 

Oh, and it goes without saying that your DH can have these conversations. Give him the pep talk first so he is strong!!!! :D

[Impish]

Keep it simple. The more you say, the more they will turn it around to make you the bad guy. Trust me, I know how that works. :glare:

 

Just say that you can't do a cruise next year, sorry. Leave it at that. See if they decide to gear it another way, and you can add your suggestions. I have only made it to one family reunion since we have had kids, it is just too hard. I'm the only one of my siblings with children, so of course my sisters can easily go. They all will understand when they have their own families. It is harder (and more expensive!!) than they can imagine.

 

I would also just go along with your baby plans, and not let that be a part of it. You'll get pregnant when it is meant to happen, you only have so much control over that. That is a decision between you and your DH and I wouldn't let his family dictate when you are ready for that (especially since you already have a good plan).

 

You have done a lot for that side of the family, I do not feel like you need to keep making sacrifices.

 

Oh, and it goes without saying that your DH can have these conversations. Give him the pep talk first so he is strong!!!! :D

:iagree:

[meggie]

So sorry this seems to be a never ending thing for them.

 

If it were me, I'd tell them that a cruise is not an option. You don't need to get into the reasons why. Tell them you could do a beach house. If they choose to go on the cruise anyway, then go with your family to a beach house. No bitterness, no guilt, just have a lot of fun and make good memories for your own children.

[Melinda in VT]

Other than the expense, it's possible they were trying to accommodate both kids and adults. After all, they don't know that you are planning to try to conceive, so they couldn't have planned around that, right?

 

I haven't been on a cruise myself (DH doesn't like the idea), but they are often promoted as great for extended families because the kids can spend some time in the kids' program so it is easy to create a mix of adult time and mixed time.

 

If the money part won't work, just have DH be upfront about that. Otherwise, maybe they could push the reunion off for one year, when pregnancy and a new baby wouldn't be an issue.

[Firestar Academy]

I would say something like, "Sorry, it won't work out for our family to do that this year. Perhaps another year." Then try and get pregnant as planned, and you'll have even more of an excuse not to go. If they don't have their hearts set on a cruise, perhaps they'll try and understand your situation better and think about switching it to something like a beach resort. If not, you can plan the beach resort vacation yourself, for your husband and kids. :)

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

 

 

 

You have done a lot for that side of the family, I do not feel like you need to keep making sacrifices.

 

Oh, and it goes without saying that your DH can have these conversations. Give him the pep talk first so he is strong!!!! :D

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

robin in nj

[Veritaserum]

Thanks, everyone. I was set off by MIL's text to dh this morning saying that she misses him. :rolleyes:

 

I think you're right, Melinda, that they may be thinking a cruise would be good for kids. The kids would enjoy the activities. I'm fixated on the logistics of flying to a port city with five kids (since they don't know about my intended pregnancy) and somehow managing berths for the seven of us. We would probably have split the kids between me and dh, but that would be less enjoyable for us as a couple. The pregnancy would make a cruise impossible.

 

Dh spent about an hour with me talking about this. He understands better why the not-kid-friendly activities are upsetting to me. He has committed to handling communication with them. I'm relieved.

[RanchGirl]

If you *want* to do a beach vacation with them, then have dh let them know you're not up for a cruise, but you would be happy to join them for a beach vacation (as in they could change the cruise to a beach house now, or they could cruise without you now and you would beach vacation with them next year).

 

If you don't want to vacation with them at all, then just say no thanks.

 

I wouldn't mention the planned pregnancy, and I would try not to get upset. I consider a cruise to be an awesome trip for multi-generations, though not necessarily for little ones and certainly not for pg mamas or infants. But don't take it personally that their plan isn't ideal for your family, just say no thanks.

[Remudamom]

I'm more impressed at your ability to time your children.

[Veritaserum]

I'm more impressed at your ability to time your children.

 

Really? I've gotten pregnant within 3 months every time we wanted to. Twice I got pregnant the first month.... Still, I wanted to start trying in August just in case it takes a few months. I have two fall babies and three spring/early summer babies. I prefer spring. :)

[bettyandbob]

I'd probably just say this is not a year for our family to do this.

 

You mil only moved out a month a couple weeks ago. How often do you see your BIL? Growing up I had one friend who attended big family reunions about every 3 years. They were events where everyone met at the beach or at a park. The families involved had little opportunity to see get together otherwise because they lived pretty far apart. It doesn't sound like you don't have an opportunity to see extended family. I always thought that was the purpose of a reunion--to reunite people who live apart. Honestly, if my manipulative MIL had just moved out, I'd need a couple years before I "vacationed" with her. I'd certainly need some time before I even began thinking about "vacationing" with her. If she had only moved out less than a month ago, that would not be enough time to think logically and reasonably contemplate it.

[Danestress]

If you are pregnant or have a baby, you have the perfect reason to not go! How about sending your DH and whichever children would be old enough to care about going?