Dinnertime aggravation

[lionfamily1999]

For some of us, the stocked kitchen is stocked of food planned for the week, or month. I cooked *dinner* for 5. The yogurt you want to eat is planned (budgeted down to the penny) for breakfast.

 

It's not a choice of all the food available in the home. It's respect for family resources, which includes the reality for some food budgets that the cereal that is still in the box is accounted for later in the week. If you eat it now, and do not eat the food I paid for and already prepared, it IS an issue, right here in the bounty of the USA.

:iagree: I just think we forget how big an issue it is elsewhere (where our budgets would made us look like Trumps).

[*lifeoftheparty*]

You said:

 

"This is a hot topic with me. We are "well-to-do" and live in an area where there are lots of wealthy people. I continually notice spoiled rotten kids and have seen my own child start becoming this way. I have no intention of raising a spoiled kid, so I'm working really hard to change that. I do NOT, under any circumstances, let him get away with stuff like that. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to raise a servant-minded, charitable, caring, loving individual who will leave this world better than he found it. This whole "picky eater" thing is just one of the biggest pet peeves I have, I notice it. I also watch these kids grow up and notice that when a parent starts catering to kids preferences, it only gets worse. It sets a precedent. I can get mom to cater to my every whim just by being difficult.

 

It also can lead to bad eating habits and bad health. I try to explain to DS how every thing we eat affects our health, I show him how the things on his plate will help his body and what will harm his body. I show him that there is a reason we are eating all these different foods, and a reason WHY I keep making him try them. He may not completely understand, but at least he sees I'm not just doing it to be mean.

 

It's all about balance. I don't want to force my child to live in poverty when he doesn't have to, but I don't want him to be spoiled either. I think making separate meals for a child who is "picky" is just catering to a spoiled child, and you don't have to agree, and that's fine, I was just giving my advice based on my knowledge and experience. "

 

Sounds like you think it's a pretty big deal.

 

Yes, IN REAL LIFE, this is a big deal, TO ME.

 

I don't think this is a big deal, RIGHT HERE, on this board, in this thread. Like, no one is trying to convince YOU, personally, that you MUST agree with them and change what you do in your house. I have no contact with you, I am not around you or your kids, I could care less what you do in your house. I am offering advice to the original poster. I am explaining what is a big deal to me, in my life, in my house and explaining WHY it is. Take it or leave it. It isn't a big deal. :confused:

[Lovedtodeath]

I think that many of us post in threads such as this to give our opinion on prevailing attitudes and perhaps change those attitudes with more information or our personal experiences.

 

We disagree with equating pickiness with some shortcoming of the parents to adequately feed their children at early ages or equating pickiness with children being spoiled self-centered brats.

[Jenny in Florida]

I think that many of us post in threads such as this to give our opinion on prevailing attitudes and perhaps change those attitudes with more information or our personal experiences.

 

We disagree with equating pickiness with some shortcoming of the parents to adequately feed their children at early ages or equating pickiness with children being spoiled self-centered brats.

 

That's exactly right. Thank you.

[Jenny in Florida]

Yes, IN REAL LIFE, this is a big deal, TO ME.

 

I don't think this is a big deal, RIGHT HERE, on this board, in this thread. Like, no one is trying to convince YOU, personally, that you MUST agree with them and change what you do in your house. I have no contact with you, I am not around you or your kids, I could care less what you do in your house. I am offering advice to the original poster. I am explaining what is a big deal to me, in my life, in my house and explaining WHY it is. Take it or leave it. It isn't a big deal. :confused:

 

Honestly, it's not like I feel threatened or insulted. My kids are way past the point at which we could coerce them into eating anything they don't want. In fact, my daughter isn't even home eight months of the year and feeds herself.

 

I'm trying to avoid being one of those people who implies you don't know what you're talking about because you have one child who is still quite young. However, I do think that it's easy to be idealistic and know everything at that point in one's parenting journey. So, I take this "advice" for what it's worth.

 

I do think, though, that an awful lot of your statements can be read to pretty broadly imply negative things about ALL picky eaters and their parents. And that's what bothers me.

 

I just want to make sure that other parents, especially those with younger children than mine, don't take the some of the things being said on this thread too much to heart and start feeling like failures as parents because their children are -- gasp! -- picky eaters.

 

Look, I was a picky eater. My parents did things their way, and I was still picky. I took a different approach with my kids, and they, too are picky. I think a lot of it is genetic. I've also done enough research about highly gifted kids to know that it's not at all uncommon for them to be especially sensitive to textures and strong flavors.

 

So, it's not a battle I choose to fight. And I'm comfortable with that decision. I just worry about other parents who might still be struggling with it and be upset by some of the things said here.

[lionfamily1999]

I really did not get the sweeping generalization. Perhaps I read it differently.

Yes, IN REAL LIFE, this is a big deal, TO ME.

 

I don't think this is a big deal, RIGHT HERE, on this board, in this thread. Like, no one is trying to convince YOU, personally, that you MUST agree with them and change what you do in your house. I have no contact with you, I am not around you or your kids, I could care less what you do in your house. I am offering advice to the original poster. I am explaining what is a big deal to me, in my life, in my house and explaining WHY it is. Take it or leave it. It isn't a big deal. :confused:

I think your tone didn't come across.

[Jenny in Florida]

I really did not get the sweeping generalization. Perhaps I read it differently.

I think your tone didn't come across.

 

This particular post does not include the generalizations of some of the others. I was referring to the one I quoted previously (and to others from this thread with the same tone).

[Danestress]

We disagree with equating pickiness with some shortcoming of the parents to adequately feed their children at early ages or equating pickiness with children being spoiled self-centered brats.

 

I have not noticed that providing a few choices at dinner time results in bratty spoiled children. I think we all worry about having children who will be spoiled by the relative plenty that we have in the US. But I also wouldn't want to take a "This is what I fixed, I am not cooking anything different ever. Eat it or starve" approach. I think that could be selfish on my part and just as likely to create a "my way or the highway" kind of adult child.

 

Two issues here, though: Wanting different food is one issue. Whining and complaining is another.

[Lovedtodeath]

Two issues here, though: Wanting different food is one issue. Whining and complaining is another.

:iagree:

 

And just so that we are all clear... my mother was very strict and I was still a picky eater. She would fix a meal and I would eat one side item. People started taking issue with it when I was a teenager and looked anorexic. I am not picky now. Due to my medical conditions I have had to gulp down lots of good for me things that made me want to barf. I think I could survive on anything if I had to and I could start tomorrow.

[Ravin]

DD is required to at least sample dinner. Because I know her, she gets a small initial serving or doles it herself. She often complains about what's being served, then turns around and asks for seconds. If she gets a really bad attitude about it, she is sent to her room for time out. Dinner is waiting when she comes back out. If she really doesn't like something, she isn't made to eat any of the leftovers. She doesn't get dessert if she doesn't finish dinner. As she is free to eat what she wants (within certain limits on sweet treats) the rest of the day, she's not going to starve if she only eats a bite or two at dinner.

 

To us the attitude issue is something we're dealing with apart from the food issue, as it rears its head plenty of other times (schoolwork, chores, what time to come inside from playing, etc.).

[Mommamia]

Lately, I have been thinking that my dc might benefit from seeing what school away from home is like. Thanks for giving me a reminder of what it is actually like. I'm sorry that happened to your daughter. :grouphug:

[lionfamily1999]

This particular post does not include the generalizations of some of the others. I was referring to the one I quoted previously (and to others from this thread with the same tone).

Ah, guess I'm in there too then. I read all her (his?) posts and agreed with them. I did not get the same feel from them that you did. They seemed, imo, very much 'this is my opinion ymmv' to my eyes.

 

It's not just the ones that feel that way that have said things that could easily be blown out of proportion. The word abuse has been brought up, selfish, controlling, &tc. I guess it just doesn't matter as much to me :shrug:

[Jenny in Florida]

Ah, guess I'm in there too then. I read all her (his?) posts and agreed with them. I did not get the same feel from them that you did. They seemed, imo, very much 'this is my opinion ymmv' to my eyes.

 

It's not just the ones that feel that way that have said things that could easily be blown out of proportion. The word abuse has been brought up, selfish, controlling, &tc. I guess it just doesn't matter as much to me :shrug:

 

I would agree with you, if it weren't for the generalizations being made about picky eaters being selfish brats and their parents incompetent.

 

But, yes, I think this topic always gets heated, and I think some of the folks from the other side went a little over the line, too.

 

I should know better than to get involved in these threads. I really should.

[lionfamily1999]

I would agree with you, if it weren't for the generalizations being made about picky eaters being selfish brats and their parents incompetent.

 

But, yes, I think this topic always gets heated, and I think some of the folks from the other side went a little over the line, too.

 

I should know better than to get involved in these threads. I really should.

:lol: Shouldn't we all Jenny?!? But isn't that the point?

 

Parents that don't put up with it are selfish and controlling. Parents that demand their children finish dinner are forcing them and possibly abusive. Parents that allow for personal choice beyond hungry or full are spoiling their kids. We can't win. You should know that by now ;)

 

All our kids are going to become terrible misfits with horrible habits unless we convert to everyone else's ways of thinking RIGHT NOW. Eh. Or they'll just grown into themselves, regardless of how hard we try to ruin them. :shrug:

[RahRah]

YMMV - what worked for us was that we stopped offering options other than what I'd made for dinner except when dinner was someting we/I knew DS6 doesn't like (ie. Spicy food) - in that situation, I'll prepare the same food, sans the spice, for him to have plain. For example, if we're having chicken korma, he doesn't like Indian food, but he'll eat chicken, so I'll make him a piece of chicken to eat for dinner, along with some vegetables from the dish....what I won't do is make something totally different, like burger or sandwich instead.

 

We also have the 'one bite' rule....when something is new, and you haven't tried it before, you have to take at least one bite to see if you like it - if you don't, that's okay, simply say 'no thank you' to having anymore....but, you might like it and if that's the case, you can have more. We don't ask DS to try another bite for the 'one bite' rule on something he's tried and said he didn't like until at least a month has passed - then he needs to take one bite to see if his tastes have changed - sometimes they do, sometimes they don't - but at least he tried it.

 

Lastly, if DS says he's full before finishing his dinner, that's okay - if he feels hungry later, he can finish his dinner....but cannot have anything else if he says he's hungry later since he didn't finish his dinner.

 

We don't battle over meals anymore, he doesn't have to clean his plate, and as I said, if it is something I know full well he doesn't like, I'm not going to make him eat it -- but I'm also not a short-order cook....I'll accomodate to a point - same food, different preparation that isn't crazy -- but the basics of the dinner meal are the same for all of us. We don't do dessert nightly, so taking that away isn't an option since we just don't do dessert for the most part....so our approach is this is dinner, you can eat it or not eat it - up to you. The vast majority of the time, he eats his meal without complaint....

[Princess Peach]

I disagree with this approach. If his attitude is the problem then the reaction/discipline needs to be about the attitude, not about the food.

 

I would certainly discipline for the behavior. My discipline would not include food. Requiring the meal put in front of my child to be eaten is not discipline. My point in my post was that I think the alternative meal is worsening the behavior.

 

If my child threw a fit at the table, then that child would be disciplined for that behavior. After they were ready to be at the table again, the same meal would still be there. I am nice, I would heat it up. :001_smile:

 

I have mentioned in other threads about eating that I do not make "yucky" foods. I make foods my family likes. Truth be told, I am a picky eater. I have weird sensitivities involving texture, etc. If I know that one of my children does not like a particular side dish, they are not required to eat it. People have different tastes and I get that.

 

However, it is unacceptable in my home for my children to throw a fit because they don't want what I am serving. I am not a short order cook and I don't run a restaurant. Eat what you're served, or it's a long way until breakfast.

[Jenny in Florida]

Parents that don't put up with it are selfish and controlling. Parents that demand their children finish dinner are forcing them and possibly abusive. Parents that allow for personal choice beyond hungry or full are spoiling their kids. We can't win. You should know that by now ;)

 

All our kids are going to become terrible misfits with horrible habits unless we convert to everyone else's ways of thinking RIGHT NOW. Eh. Or they'll just grown into themselves, regardless of how hard we try to ruin them. :shrug:

 

For what it's worth, please notice that I don't think I said or implied any of those things. My position on most parenting issues is that parents and children are all human, and no one approach is likely to be a good fit for every family.

 

But, yes, you're right that there's probably no safe position to take on this issue. Someone's going to get beaten up every time.

[clarkacademy]

You're punishing your child by forcing him/her to eat...and you got someone else to think it's a good idea.

 

I disagree that this is a healthy thing to do to a child.

 

I don't disagree. I totally agree with it. I am sick of night time battles and him saying this is nasty when he ate it last month. I am tired of him and his aggravation trying to control me as a parent. I have a son with autism they are suppose to be the pickiest eaters on the earth. Well my son is not. Very rarely will he not like something and he will always try ecleast once. It is not punishing a child to not give them their way. I have 4 children none of which are catered too at meal times. The 10 year old tries to rule the world and I am just not taking it. Whining rude children should be punished and taught not to be ill mannered. I don't think it is healthy to be allowed to eat whatever you want. He would live on ice cream and chicken nuggets if I would let him. A child with issues being force fed is not healthy, a child who is trying to control the parent whining and rude needs to be taught this is not acceptable.

[Lovedtodeath]

I would certainly discipline for the behavior. My discipline would not include food. Requiring the meal put in front of my child to be eaten is not discipline. My point in my post was that I think the alternative meal is worsening the behavior.

I can see your point.

 

Oh, and Julie dear, you are allowed to disagree with me you know. ;) I will still wuv you.

[myfunnybunch]

No time to read the other responses, but I've got two picky eaters. One is very sensitive to flavor. The other is very sensitive to texture. I grew up with a sister who has sensory/food issues and I remember what it was like for her at meal times, so I try to be sensitive about making my kids eat.

 

I think you've got two issues to deal with: The food and the behavior.

 

We also require our children to try new foods, and to taste what is served. Politely. If they can do so politely, we let them make a sandwich. If they fuss, whine or complain, they leave the table just as they'd leave if they fussed, whined or complained about anything else. I do not require them to try foods that I know are going to be overpowering for them. Pickles of any kind, for example, or a dish that is spicy. Typically, if I am planning a dish that I know will be too spicy or strong-flavored, I make side dishes they will eat or prepare a less spicy alternative (as long as it doesn't require a lot of extra cooking). They are only allowed to make a sandwich if a) they have tried everything at the table (unless I say they don't have to) and b) they truly don't care for what is served. Making a sandwich just because they'd rather have a sandwich than rice, nope. Making a sandwich because we're having spicy chicken and beans, okay, as long as they've eaten a bite of salad and tasted the beans.

 

The food issue is resolving. Once they can tolerate a particular food, the amount they must eat is increased. Gradually, the list of foods the sensitive boys will eat is expanding.

 

The behavior is mostly resolved too. We don't allow fussing, whining or negative comments about the food. If they are polite, they eat; if not, they wait until they are able to be polite to rejoin us at the table and eat.

 

Cat

Edited April 12, 2011 by myfunnybunch

[lionfamily1999]

For what it's worth, please notice that I don't think I said or implied any of those things. My position on most parenting issues is that parents and children are all human, and no one approach is likely to be a good fit for every family.

 

But, yes, you're right that there's probably no safe position to take on this issue. Someone's going to get beaten up every time.

It was a joke.

I can see your point.

 

Oh, and Julie dear, you are allowed to disagree with me you know. ;) I will still wuv you.

I know, but I wanted to be gentle :p

 

Love you too lady :D