Do your children respect your home? Do they destroy it?

[clarkacademy]

She also quoted clarksacademy, including the statement that the child is autistic. They were direct replies.

 

Yes my son has autism and he does have issues of course but, I have also learned over the years sometimes he is all just manipulating. Now with sensory stuff, I know that cannot be dealt with he can't handle certain things pure and simple. I know every case is different some more severe and PTL I got off as easy as I did but I have seen alot of kids like him and you can just tell they know better but no one enforces it. He knows how to be sneaky he understands what he is doing. No under no circumstance is spanking a cure all but destroying our home is not gonna happen either. Alot of people hear the word autism and they just stop there and say, oh well he can't learn. I know they are all different like I said and Damie is by no means perfect at all but when he was 3 they said he was a piece of meat. i am not joking that is what they told the 24 year old mom of two with number 3 on the way. He was meat and there were homes for kids like him. I brought him home accepting life was over. For weeks I cleaned human feces off my wall and replaced the windows he broke and stopped going in public until a friend came over and very pointly asked me-Who was gonna do this when I was gone? So I changed my ways and I expected nothing less from him than I expected from my older daughter. Things took longer, we had to work harder. Took 3 years for him to really read but he does. Took 2 years for him to be potty trained but he is. After cleaning his crap off my walls alot he learned not to do it. No I didn't spank for everything but when I did my point was made. If he would stop sneaking food and being argumentative I would have the perfect child as far as he is concerned. He can get angry he can be mad and lose it but only for a time. He won't be destructive at my home ever. When I meet my maker as they say I will know I did my best not to leave behind an animal no one can care for. He can't freak out because we walk by the candle isle at Wally World even though he hates it. I know no one knows how to deal with autism till they are there but I still welcome any advice from you guys!! If you feel I could do it better or have ideas whether typical or non typical please share them. To the moms who are living with a kid like Damie take advice, follow what you feel will work don't be upset if it's not advice just for those kinds of kids you never know what works. I know we all tend to get upset over our kids easier but I really think the people that have participated in this thread are really trying to help!

[clarkacademy]

I have removed everything, even the bedding. If they don't take care of it - I can't think of anything they can't live without.

 

And yes, there would be spankings for purposely vandalizing other people's property. It's a solid lesson in reality. Because at some point if that carries over to outside the home - the police or whoever will certainly be as punitive or worse than me.

 

 

 

I think you have some of your answer right there. No, I'm not a spank for every offense person either. That is not the point. The point is that he obviously absolutely CAN control himself and take into consideration consequences when he is misbehaving. He IS capable of some self control and understanding your limits.

 

The thing is you are going to have be one mean horrible mom;) for a long time, like months, for the new regime change to settle in and for them to accept that their behavior will no longer be tolerated and will make them more unhappy than happy. If the electronics or whatever are a problem, I would get rid of it permanently and refuse to repurchase. No point whining about what doesn't exist in the home anymore. If dad brought candy in, promptly throw it in the trash. If they had an outside activity that day and trashed the house? Oh too bad they trashed the house bc now we are going to stay home and clean it up. Outside event is abruptly canceled no matter what the event is. (Yes, they are letting their team down. That was their choice. Yes, grandparent is going to feel punished too, itls a shame they didnt care more about their feelings when they trashed the house. And so forth.)

 

It is exhausting. You can sleep when the kids are grown.;)

It is frustrating, bc it never fails that just when you think they are past this crap, something happens and you have to bring in mean mom again.

 

You aren't alone. We've all been there and know these phases stink. But it is just part of the parenting job.:grouphug:

 

Yes it is your right! I hate being harsh I would rather try and talk it out but as I am reading all this I see some times tough love is the best. Both boys argue and try to be sneaky so much it drives me insane. They can be such good boys when they wanna! We went through so much when my older son was young thought I could take a break so to speak guess not. ADHD with the other one is almost as bad I think. I think the next few days I am gonna come up with a plan before I lose my mind. Thanks for a little reality check there I needed it, I think I have been angry for a long time and I need to do something about it before it is worse than tearing apart leggo people and back talking!!

[Impish]

I'm curious about something. How would you handle it if the child sent to his room then became destructive either to his own things (that I paid for), his brother's things, the furniture, or the house itself (floor, walls, windows)?

 

At what point do punitive measures backfire? What then? :lurk5:

First of all, I did say in my response that I do not have experience with autism. So, given that, my response to one of my kids, who, as far as I know, are NT, my response would be to strip the room as bare as possible. Work to repair, and pay for the repairs needed. I try to be a very "You did a, so now b is happening." parent. Thats what seems to work for my children.

[JessReplanted]

nm

Edited April 3, 2011 by JessReplanted

[Geek]

n/m

Edited April 3, 2011 by Geek

[snipsnsnailsx5]

I have five boys. Yes I see this kind of thing all the time.

 

It drives us crazy. We've given up on buying anything new beacause its a waste of money. ;)

 

Someone once exclaimed when she heard I had five boys, "and your house is still standing?!"

 

They are a bit more rough on things.

[snipsnsnailsx5]

ARE YOU GUYS JOKING????? I really I mean really no joke thought my boys were the only ones who did this kinda stuff. I am not being sarcastic or funny I really thought I had raised hellions. The stuff they have done has drove me to tears and screaming fits. I am shocked to know I am not the only one. My mother raised perfect children, no joke either. My brother and I lived in a museum and would never never have done these things. I have tried for years to figure what I did wrong with my boys. My mothers home was a museum perfectly dusted and all in order at all times. I never saw my mother child proof or put anything up and we raised in a home full of glass and antiques. I am just shocked and no offense a bit happy to know I am not alone in this.

 

 

:iagree:

[EppieJ]

Wow. Sounds like you've really got your hands full! Have you thought about putting your kids on commission? This is where dc have certain chores that they do "just because you're part of the family", but they also have certain chores they get paid for. No work - no pay.

 

For our ds (age 10.5), he has a list of chores he's expected to do. He checks them off each day as he does them and at the end of the day has dh or me sign off on them. We start with a set amount for him and dock him for each item not done or not done with a good attitude. This way he knows what he has the potential to earn. He gets paid when "dad" gets paid. It's a great motivator for him.

 

He is expected to put 10% of earnings toward offering at church. Half of what's left goes into his savings account and the rest is for his personal use (under parental supervision). He also keeps track of where his funds go using a little booklet we put together for him. It's great financial training and it helps him keep picked up after himself because he knows if he doesn't do the work he loses money and it'll take longer to save up for that special something.

 

We got the idea from Dave Ramsey and so far it's working great for us. Ds is thrilled with his accomplishments. I'm thrilled that I'm no longer taking my life into my hands when I enter his room at night!

 

HTH!

[snipsnsnailsx5]

I also wanted to add that while I only have five, its been eye opening how different they all are. I've learned a lot with each new addition. :)

 

For example, when I had my first son - he was great! I thought I totally had the parenting thing down. No fits, no destructive behavior (okay he did color on the wall, once) and he was just easy in every aspect. I laugh about it now, but I remember seeing other parents with their toddlers having huge meltdowns and thinking that they spoiled their children. I saw kids talking back to their parents and thought the parents were just big pushovers....I was about to get a big rude awakening ;)

 

Then along came son number two. He was the complete opposite of my first son. I think he was destructive as soon as he knew how to be. He likes to take things apart and check them out, learn about them. He has crazy energy and will start being destructive if he gets too bored...the list goes on. We have his name scratched into the side of our old mini-van, and in marker on the downstairs wall and bathroom door.

AACKK!

 

With the next three boys we did more learning as well. We learned that one discipline may not work as well for one boy as it does another. For example, just threatening to spank our first son would have sent him into hysterics. However, our second son has a behind of steel and laughs when we spank him. So we don't spank him, it doesn't work.

 

The best thing to do is find what works for each child and be consistent. Also supervision is key, but of course with this many kiddos we can't be everywhere at once! lol

 

And rules will still be broken. Kids have to test boundaries to learn. So make them learn from this one. Take away privileges. Take away the video games for sure (that one always gets to my boys LOL).

 

HTH! *hugs*

 

Is is always like this, or was it something that doesn't happen usually?

[cjbeach]

I think after losing things (meaning: having them taken away for periods of time) and having me toss things - my kids are better. My 5yo is a little maniac but I've put my foot DOWN. I am home alone 90% of the time with 3 kids. Unfortunately my 7yo dd is probably the one who needs the most nudging when it comes to picking up her room. My 10yo ds is the most helpful-- now.

 

The biggest issue we've had with breaking things has been scratched game disks. I'm still trying different ways of handling that. But even my 5yo "gets" it now that if a $40 game is scratched and unable to be played, it's HIS loss because it was not cared for properly. We will not replace it.

 

Re:house care. I live in FL. I'm a bug FREAK. My kids now realize if you leave food out, you WILL have visitors. If you spill sweets, you WILL have sugar ants.

 

I used to do it all because my dh is ADD really comfortable with clutter. Clutter makes me twitch. But now I do "quick pick ups" with my kids. And no they will not be playing computer/video games/Netflix if things are not picked up, period end of story. I have taken the main cords from the wii so it's there, but unable to use, ditto computer routers... and hidden them. When I'm ready for them to play, they play.

Edited April 4, 2011 by cjbeach

[Murphy101]

Bethany is so right. My job would be so much easier if all these kids had personalities as similar as their looks. If I've ever learned anything it's equal does not mean same. I do what I hope will work nest for each child.

 

The best thing to do is find what works for each child and be consistent. Also supervision is key, but of course with this many kiddos we can't be everywhere at once! lol

 

And rules will still be broken. Kids have to test boundaries to learn. So make them learn from this one. Take away privileges. Take away the video games for sure (that one always gets to my boys LOL).

[KidsHappen]

Ok, three comments:

 

1) It's not just boys. My girls put me through my paces.

 

2) The more kids you have, the harder it gets. First they are like a bunch of crazy monkeys and then when you try to round them up it's like herding cats. I didn't lose control until #4. They had me outnumbered and I was getting older and tireder (it's a redneck word :tongue_smilie:).

 

3) It gets better. Really.