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Do your children respect your home? Do they destroy it?


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This morning I woke to find three of the four boys laying around the living room, arguing over Netflix. There was food everywhere -- orange peels, empty bowls and glasses in the floor (empty glasses turned on their sides, up against the baseboards), cheerios and raisins strewn about the entire room and dumped out on the sofa, a half-eaten cup of applesauce overturned next to the sofa, laundry baskets turned over, books lying about, a huge tub of Legos dumped out, and blankets and pillows belonging to three of them. In addition, in the kitchen there were food and dishes everywhere -- peanut butter open on the counter, bread open, cereal out and open, butter knives (where someone had attempted to slice an orange), cookies (where the 2yo raided the cookie jar), and rice flung all over the floor (I am guessing the 2yo did that).

 

This rooms were spotless when they went to bed last night;

 

they aren't even supposed to watch television without asking, or touch the Playstation, which is necessary to view Netflix;

 

they aren't supposed to eat before we get up, nor are they to eat in the living room;

 

the 2yo is never to be taken out of his crib in the morning by anyone other than myself or dh;

 

and the list goes on.

 

And this was all between 6:15 (when dh left) and 7 (when I got up).

 

And then there is the other stuff -- drawing on the carpet with pastels (this was the 7yo and, yes, the art supplies are stored out of reach, but my 12yo takes them out all. the. time. and doesn't put them away, or takes them to his room, though he knows he isn't supposed to).

 

Trashing the bathroom every. single. night. when they go in to brush their teeth.

 

Soaking the bathroom floor every. single. time. they take a bath.

 

Completely trashing their rooms on a daily basis. Even our 12yo will just throw his school books on the floor, jam his papers under his bed or in a desk drawer instead of putting them in his notebooks, sneak drinks.snacks into his room and leave the dirty dishes. Ugh.

 

I am losing my mind. They have chores. I do make them clean up their own messes, which is exhausting in itself. I've told them not to get out of bed in the morning until I come to get them -- they don't listen. They say they forgot. They just won't stop doing this stuff over and over and over. I have tried grounding and revoking privileges. I do praise them for chores well done, as appropriate. What am I doing wrong?

 

Is this my lot in life? Is this sort of behavior tolerated in your home? How do you handle it? We didn't behave this way growing up; we knew we would get our butts whipped for stuff like this!

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Destroy things? Ayup. We've replaced 3 tvs, an x box, and a neighbour's big picture window. And lamps. We no longer have any.

 

None of it was malicious, but kids are dang hard on things, and need to learn and grow into respecting things, I think.

 

One option is to remove ALL privileges, and make them earn each and every single one back, slowly. At 12, there's really no excuse for it, imo. 2 yo, sure. 12, not so much. Even the 7 yo knows what he's allowed and not, so the pastel thing would be an 'everyone is in trouble' situation here.

 

Yup. They'd all be cleaning, packing stuff up, etc. And, if this early rising is that much of an issue, I'd consider alarming their door so that it wakes you up when they open it if need be...I'm thinking solely of potential safety issues with the toddler.

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Yes, something has to be done about the early rising, I agree. Last week I caught my 5yo waiting until he heard my dh leave in the morning and then sneaking into the kitchen for cookies -- I had been asking for days where all of the cookies were disappearing to. And it is a safety issue w/ the 2yo. Apparently they take him out so that he doesn't wake me, because that's when I get up in the morning, when he calls me to get him out of the crib. They don't want me to wake up and interrupt their fun I suppose.

 

The other day my 5yo flushed a pencil down the toilet?!

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Flushing things is just irresistible to some kids. I can't think of a single family that hasn't had something sent out to sea.

 

Approaching things as a safety issue might impact the kids more, they *might* take it more seriously...Depends on the kiddos.

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they aren't even supposed to watch television without asking, or touch the Playstation, which is necessary to view Netflix;

 

 

One easy fix is that the PS gets taken away for a while. Not with yelling; just with a "You know you're not supposed to use this, so it'll be in my room now."

 

Unfortunately, you may need to be up when your husband leaves for a while.

 

:grouphug:

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Sounds like my home ... not to that extent, but even the sheer inability to throw something away when done drives me insane. What really gets me is that my boys will pick something up from somewhere (book, piece of paper, baseball glove, Lego ... you name it), look at it for a few seconds while walking away, and then just drop it on the ground when they are done looking at it. It defies logic, if you ask me. I was not raised this way, but then again, I was basically an only child (I had an older sister, but she was already out of the house by the time I was seven or eight). I guess my mom and I kept house a bit better than I do living with four tornados (I think my boys learn a few things from dh, love him dearly).

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We lived in this house one whole week before the 3 year old (nearly 4) redecorated his entire room in green crayon. :glare: I cleaned this house spotless last night. You should see it now. ((sigh)) Don't even get me started on their school supplies and notebooks that I literally spend HOURS finding online, printing, hole punching, putting in binders... only to have them destroyed, which means all of that $$ out. :tongue_smilie: I feel you. ((hugs)) Kids can be horribly destructive. In our house, if you destroy something you pay for it. If the littles destroy something because of your carelessness (like leaving the pastels out... in our case it's crayons and sharpies which end up in library books and notebooks for school :glare:), you pay for it. If you don't have a pencil/marker/crayon/colored pencil/notebook when I ask for it in school, because you've been careless and lost or destroyed it, you pay for it. In fact, we're about to have a WalMart run since it's allowance day, to replace school supplies. They're not happy with it, but I think it's (slowly..) starting to get the point across.

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One easy fix is that the PS gets taken away for a while. Not with yelling; just with a "You know you're not supposed to use this, so it'll be in my room now."

 

Unfortunately, you may need to be up when your husband leaves for a while.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: Start with this. Pick it up and put it in your closet. Tell the boys that it stays there until the rooms they trashed are cleaned - then WALK AWAY and go play with the 2yo for awhile. When you go to bed at night, put it in your closet and let the boys know that it stays there if you get up in the morning and they have left big messes. That goes for anything else - take the pastels to your room? They disappear.

 

I found my boys responded best to losing the electronics. I would also give them something that is ok for them to do in the mornings until you get up.

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No. My kids (boys and girls) do not respect our home. They are tornadoes. Even though they're made to clean their own (and sometimes each others') messes. It does not keep them from making them, be it food, drink, crayon, moon dough, toothpaste, soap, mud, dirt, bugs, or (at one point) fireplace ashes.

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Literally as we were moving boxes into our current home two of my boys were upstairs playing with the "water fountain" (bidet) in the bathroom. We were downstairs in the master bathroom when water started dripping through the ceiling. I didn't have the courage to ask them if they drank out of the fountain.

 

It seems like it only takes the blink of an eye for my guys to wreak havoc! Training, consequences, chores, etc. They'll get it eventually.

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Not much anymore. My first was the Tasmanian devil. He destroyed everything and *still* has no respect for other people's property. Tools are never where they belong, takes without asking, breaks without remorse.

 

So with this batch I spent a long time laying down the tracks of respecting people's things. Now, there is an age when they write their name on everything (and then say it wasn't them) but making it past that, not much gets destroyed.

 

It's a habit that you form from the time they are very young, "Ohh be careful, that's your sister's special___. Ask her permission, I bet she'll let you play with it."

 

Keep at it, they'll catch on.

 

eta: if they aren't respectful or do NOT pick up, then they lose it. No arguing. It's gone. One time with my oldest Dd she refused to clean her room. I told her I would throw everything out and I did. (I did take the American Girls out and put them away) but she remembers to this day asking for her things in the garbage.

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Any chance you could get up before DH leaves? Or put an alarm of some sort on the children's bedroom doors so that you would hear when they left their rooms? I've known families who put locks on the refrigerator and pantry doors. It seemed a bit extreme to me, but it would get the point across.

 

My mother once locked us out of the bathroom. She said that indoor plumbing was a privilege that children who did not clean up after themselves did not deserve. For one week, she unlocked the door for daily showers. Other grooming was done in the kitchen or bedrooms. Other tasks required a trip across the backyard to the outhouse (no fun in the rain). We were much better about cleaning and tidying the bathroom after that.

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"we would get our butts whipped for stuff like this! "

 

 

EXACTLY!!! LOL!!!

 

Seriously, though, I absolutely would not put up with it and make them clean EVERY single thing up with me watching!

 

I don't think I should be punished because I have to live in this house too. I will NOT be treated like a slave.

 

If they truly know better, then that is disrespectful.

 

I have sat down before with mine when they have been distructive and asked how they would feel if they worked really hard on something like a picture or project and I just came in and ripped it up, or got food on it or something. Well, that is how I feel when I work really hard to keep my house clean and they destroy it. I clean for myself, but also because I want our home to be a nice place for ALL of us. I do it FOR them. I know they would be heartbroken if they worked on something REALLY hard FOR ME and I just balled it up and threw it way like it was trash. That is how I FEEL when they destroy and disrespect our home. Maybe talking to them like this will help open their eyes so that they will have some empathy toward you and try a little harder.

 

Just my humble opinion.

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I think sometimes boys are better suited to living in a cave.

 

I also agree. My son would, too. :lol:

 

My 9 year old has scratched her name in large letters on our painted fence. Did she think that I wouldn't see it? Or know that she's the one who did it?:confused:

 

Painted fence? I only wish. My son has scratched tic-tac-toe grids into the following (that I'm aware of...):

1. The wallpaper in his room.

2. The wallpaper in the hall.

3. The headboard of his bed.

4. The doorframe of his closet.

 

He's also drilled holes in his closet wall, and the word "clean" to him means "anything that won't quite qualify for an episode of Hoarders." He pees all over the toilet and leaves it for someone else to clean (we only have one bathroom). I caught him in his sister's room at 9:45 last night. If he gets up early (and he isn't supposed to leave his room, just like your kids), he thinks that's tacit permission to raid whatever food he can find. He puts toothpaste on his sister if they're in the bathroom at the same time while brushing their teeth.

 

I am done with it. I've laid down some consequences, written them down, and there is no getting around them. I am so very, very DONE. Here are a few:

-- Running in the house means running a lap around the back yard. We have a small house and a big yard.

-- If he gets out of bed before I do, he has to have his breakfast in his room by himself and then vacuum his bedroom floor to make sure that there are no spilled crumbs left for bugs to find.

-- Anything left on the floor at bedtime is fair game to be thrown away. He had one warning, yesterday, and he panicked. It cost him $10 to keep his stuff out of the trash can, and I told him that was the ONLY time I would accept money as payment for his crimes. Last night DH found a pair of his socks stuffed behind some couch cushions, so I threw them away but left them prominently on the top of the trash can so he could see them. He knows that if he runs out of socks, it's coming out of his allowance to buy more.

-- If he pees on the toilet, he cleans the entire bathroom. I use nontoxic homemade cleaners, so this is a non-issue.

-- If he steals food, he has to pay me for whatever he stole and doesn't get snacks for the next 24 hours.

-- His toothpaste and toothbrush are now located in the kitchen and will remain there indefinitely.

 

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. These are all things I have asked him to stop doing or to do properly for YEARS now, and the punishments fit the crimes. I figure the carving phase will go away eventually, just like his peeing phase did (don't ask), but it's still horrible. I hope you're able to figure out something that works for your herd. :grouphug:

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Yes, I could get up as dh is leaving if I have to. I've just been very tired lately (first trimester of pregnancy) and that last hour or so if sleep has been helping. I usually stay up studying after the kids are in bed, but if I knock off and turn in a bit earlier maybe that will help as well.

 

I've got the three older boys doing chores right now and two of them are crying. Poor guys. ;) The Playstation actually belongs to my dh, so I am sure he will be giving out his own punishment when he gets home tonight.

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I get on them about leaving things lying around -- books, toys, etc. I have to tell them to clean up (everything has to be cleaned when they get ready for bed and also throughout the day), and they have left candy wrappers on the floor. I have to remind them to hang up their towels, and yes, there are water dribbles on the bathroom floor. I have to call them back in sometimes to wipe the toilet seat.

 

I think if they didn't respect my wishes on food in the living room and no watching movies before _______________, I would restrict them from those forms of entertainment.

 

I allow eating in the living room now that the boys are 9 and 11, but they know drinks are off limits. For anything potentially messy, they have to get the picnic blanket and eat on top of that.

 

I think the food thing would drive me over the roof. I would say my boys have a long way to go regarding neatness, but we've been to houses where things truly are messy (this isn't aimed at your post) -- dead flies on the walls, beds never made, rooms stink, dirty clothes on the floor, crumbs and trash on the floor, and the boys are in shock. They cannot stand being there. So, I think they have some level of neatness.

 

I think our main issue is clutter -- stacks of books on Nathan's bed along with art pencils, pads of paper.

 

Oh, and the boys always had to ask for food when they were younger.

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I also agree. My son would, too. :lol:

 

 

 

Painted fence? I only wish. My son has scratched tic-tac-toe grids into the following (that I'm aware of...):

1. The wallpaper in his room.

2. The wallpaper in the hall.

3. The headboard of his bed.

4. The doorframe of his closet.

 

He's also drilled holes in his closet wall, and the word "clean" to him means "anything that won't quite qualify for an episode of Hoarders." He pees all over the toilet and leaves it for someone else to clean (we only have one bathroom). I caught him in his sister's room at 9:45 last night. If he gets up early (and he isn't supposed to leave his room, just like your kids), he thinks that's tacit permission to raid whatever food he can find. He puts toothpaste on his sister if they're in the bathroom at the same time while brushing their teeth.

 

I am done with it. I've laid down some consequences, written them down, and there is no getting around them. I am so very, very DONE. Here are a few:

-- Running in the house means running a lap around the back yard. We have a small house and a big yard.

-- If he gets out of bed before I do, he has to have his breakfast in his room by himself and then vacuum his bedroom floor to make sure that there are no spilled crumbs left for bugs to find.

-- Anything left on the floor at bedtime is fair game to be thrown away. He had one warning, yesterday, and he panicked. It cost him $10 to keep his stuff out of the trash can, and I told him that was the ONLY time I would accept money as payment for his crimes. Last night DH found a pair of his socks stuffed behind some couch cushions, so I threw them away but left them prominently on the top of the trash can so he could see them. He knows that if he runs out of socks, it's coming out of his allowance to buy more.

-- If he pees on the toilet, he cleans the entire bathroom. I use nontoxic homemade cleaners, so this is a non-issue.

-- If he steals food, he has to pay me for whatever he stole and doesn't get snacks for the next 24 hours.

-- His toothpaste and toothbrush are now located in the kitchen and will remain there indefinitely.

 

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. These are all things I have asked him to stop doing or to do properly for YEARS now, and the punishments fit the crimes. I figure the carving phase will go away eventually, just like his peeing phase did (don't ask), but it's still horrible. I hope you're able to figure out something that works for your herd. :grouphug:

 

Oh my goodness, the pee on the toilet seat! I feel you on that one.

 

I am getting off of here to go draw up my own list of rules and consequences. I think we may start giving allowance just so they can pay us back. I have started charging eldest ds for ruined food - open mayonnaise placed in the cupboard (and discovered a week later), leftovers stuck in the fridge without any covering, cheese stuck in the breadbox rather than being returned to the fridge, etc.

 

Thanks for the ideas!

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I think sometimes boys are better suited to living in a cave.

 

I won't even mention the bathroom stuff. OMG that's a twice a day chore.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Since I don't have a cave, can I send dd15 to live in the barn? Would that be cruel?

 

Wait, that's not fair to the animals.:lol:

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I do 'allowance' a little differently than most. I printed up funny money and give the kids a certain amount (based on age and color-coded so they can't swap) at the beginning of each month. They can earn extra money for doing extra chores (not everyday chores) or just being really, really good; they lose money for various things, too. DS has a bad habit of leaving his clothes turned inside-out when he puts them in the hamper, so I charge him a buck for each item I have to fix. DD has a bad habit of saying "no" to everything you ask her to do, so she gets charged a buck for that. It does seem to work. Whatever they have left at the end of the month, they get. Half goes into savings and half is available in 'credit.' I keep a running tab on my phone of how much of this 'credit' each kid has, and if we're at the store and they really, really, really have to have something, they can check and see what their 'balance' is and decide. This way I don't have to deal with them hauling money around and losing it and they get to learn how to budget. So far, it's working well.

 

Have fun making your list ;)

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I do 'allowance' a little differently than most. I printed up funny money and give the kids a certain amount (based on age and color-coded so they can't swap) at the beginning of each month. They can earn extra money for doing extra chores (not everyday chores) or just being really, really good; they lose money for various things, too. DS has a bad habit of leaving his clothes turned inside-out when he puts them in the hamper, so I charge him a buck for each item I have to fix. DD has a bad habit of saying "no" to everything you ask her to do, so she gets charged a buck for that. It does seem to work. Whatever they have left at the end of the month, they get. Half goes into savings and half is available in 'credit.' I keep a running tab on my phone of how much of this 'credit' each kid has, and if we're at the store and they really, really, really have to have something, they can check and see what their 'balance' is and decide. This way I don't have to deal with them hauling money around and losing it and they get to learn how to budget. So far, it's working well.

 

Have fun making your list ;)

 

I like your system.

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My 9 year old has scratched her name in large letters on our painted fence. Did she think that I wouldn't see it? Or know that she's the one who did it?:confused:

 

my youngest was only 5 when she took red nail polish to our oak kitchen table and painted her sister's name onto it with the polish. She wanted to get her sister in trouble. She didn't realize that her sister NEVER does things like that and we'd automatically know it was her.

 

In November she carved her brother's name into my favorite Spanish looking cabinet. He didn't get in trouble either, she did.

 

My kids aren't allowed to babysit her anymore. Both these things happened when their older siblings were watching her. Oh, and she took red nail polish to our maple floors. All over. Dh made her get it up with goo gone and she had to get it off the kitchen table, too. The cabinet? :angry: I haven't gotten around to sanding and refinishing it yet.

 

Oh, OP, my younger ds is real good about keeping his space spotless but he throws his trash all over the house. I'm constantly calling him to come from his room and clean up after himself. I refuse to do it.

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Just know this hits close to home for me right now!!! Ds decided to climb the neighbors basketball hoop. He did not realize the base wasn't filled. It tipped and the backboard shattered. :glare: He's devestated, my neighbors are mad at me, and I just want to run away!!!!

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My girls do respect our home to a degree. They know we eat at the kitchen table and that's it. They know that when they are finished eating, they wash their hands so there are not crumbs and stickiness around the house. I do allow them cups (with lids) of chocolate milk on the couch while watching TV and if they happen to drip some out, they either clean it up or ask me to help them. For the most part they put their dirty clothes in their own hampers and their shoes in their bins. They are absolutely not allowed to eat breakfast until I am up or watch TV without asking.

 

Our biggest issue is toys. The playroom constantly looks like a tornado blew through no matter how many times I help them or set new rules. I don't know...maybe it just comes with the territory of being a kid. I remember my room being a disaster as a kid. Each night, part of my bedtime ritual was clearing a path to my bed so my parents could get through to kiss me goodnight and pray with me. :D

 

It sounds like you are going to have to take major action....take away the PlayStation so they cannot access games or Netflix. Tell them that if you wake up and find a mess, THEY will clean it and have extra chores/work/sentence writing piled on top of it. Make this their problem and not yours.

 

However, I do have two girls.....and I know that there's a definite difference between boys and girls. And I'm also in my first trimester of pregnancy and sleeping in in the mornings is just heavenly. My kids and I haven't been getting up till 9 or after....I'm just. so. tired.

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ARE YOU GUYS JOKING????? I really I mean really no joke thought my boys were the only ones who did this kinda stuff. I am not being sarcastic or funny I really thought I had raised hellions. The stuff they have done has drove me to tears and screaming fits. I am shocked to know I am not the only one. My mother raised perfect children, no joke either. My brother and I lived in a museum and would never never have done these things. I have tried for years to figure what I did wrong with my boys. My mothers home was a museum perfectly dusted and all in order at all times. I never saw my mother child proof or put anything up and we raised in a home full of glass and antiques. I am just shocked and no offense a bit happy to know I am not alone in this.

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We didn't behave this way growing up; we knew we would get our butts whipped for stuff like this!

 

And so would my kids...which I guess is why they learned at a young age not to do it! When my dd was very young she wrote on her bedframe with a colored pencil, and although she didn't get in a lot of trouble for it (she was only 2), she never did it again.

 

Honestly, neither of my kids have ever stained our carpet or ruined anything (maybe a dropped glass while doing dishes, but that's an accident). They have plenty of chores to do, so I think they know it would just make their life harder if they had to clean or fix everything they ruined. Accidents are fine....deliberate, uncaring, and disrespectful attitudes are not.

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And so would my kids...which I guess is why they learned at a young age not to do it! When my dd was very young she wrote on her bedframe with a colored pencil, and although she didn't get in a lot of trouble for it (she was only 2), she never did it again.

 

 

Yeah, the rest of us are just bad parents with stupid kids. :glare:

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And so would my kids...which I guess is why they learned at a young age not to do it! When my dd was very young she wrote on her bedframe with a colored pencil, and although she didn't get in a lot of trouble for it (she was only 2), she never did it again.

 

LOL, my first six kids never wrote on the wall more than once either. Yet, my 7th found it completely irresistible and no amount of punishment, or deterrence would work. With consistency (take the implement, repeat, "not on walls, only on paper" and put her in time out) she eventually outgrew it. But not before making me completely crazy. Each time you roll the dice, you don't know what you're going to get in the nature dept.

 

Barb

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I am amazed, especially hearing this is a daily battle. And other posters sound like this is their life, too. I would have run away long ago.

 

I only have 2 boys and they can be like this, given the chance. (As in, when I was gone for a couple of days and left DH in charge.) The 2nd one especially was/is quite the busy boy:glare:. But our consequences are so substantial that it just doesn't happen daily. Use TV/Wii without explicit permission? Gone for a week, no discussion. Food anywhere but the kitchen/breakfast nook? Clean up your mess, do one of my chores (for my aggravation), and no treats for a week. Misuse art supplies (or leave them out for a younger to get)? Gone for quite a while, until I see more responsible behavior (DS7 lost his treasured Sculpey for a month once - never again). Thankfully, they have their own bathroom. Once a week they have to clean it to my satisfaction before playtime - I only do the toilet bowl itself (because of the chemicals).

 

I do agree with others that you need to get up when DH leaves until this is under control. And give very limited options for early morning activities, even when you are up - ours are limited to reading, Legos, drawing, or a board game. They can work off the energy a bit later.

 

Good luck - your sanity is important!

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LOL, my first six kids never wrote on the wall more than once either. Yet, my 7th found it completely irresistible and no amount of punishment, or deterrence would work. With consistency (take the implement, repeat, "not on walls, only on paper" and put her in time out) she eventually outgrew it. But not before making me completely crazy. Each time you roll the dice, you don't know what you're going to get in the nature dept.

 

Barb

 

Yup. Same firm parenting and yet one child is a vandal and one isn't.

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I am so glad to read this! In my case my girls are much more impulsive/destructive than my boys. My 8yo ds did carve his name into his bed once but as far as intentional destruction that's about it. My 5yo dd is a completely different story though. Oh my goodness. Just this week she opened our fish tank's filter pouring 15-20 gallons of water onto the new carpet. That was fun. And she gets up early every morning so she can eat food from the pantry. We stopped buying treats so she moved onto the baking supplies, just eating sugar or sprinkles. And then her behavior was awful for the rest of the day.

 

She has completely run me ragged with this. So I sent her to kindergarten this year. I needed to make sure that all of our interactions weren't her getting in trouble and I needed perspective. Now I'm excited (and a little nervous) to have her home next year. Things haven't been perfect but she's growing better slowly.

 

Consequences? Locks on cabinets, I ended up having to get up really early so she wasn't the first one up, and just watching like a hawk. I hid markers, pens, glue and anything else interesting and instituted (for everyone, not just her) some pretty impressive, somewhat natural consequences. Good luck.

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I honestly think it partly has to do with the number of kids left unsupervised at a time - 1-2 kids are far less destructive than 4-5 kids, simply because more little minds equals more mischief. I can leave my 2 yo and 5 yo unsupervised while I shower leisurely and the house won't be destroyed - they'll have played with some toys and gotten themselves some food (I'm very big on teaching them how to serve themselves food at a young age). But I fully believe that if I left DS and two of his friends (who are all well-behaved kids), plus DD and a friend unsupervised together bad MESSY things would happen. More people = more mess.

 

(And they would be cleaning things up and I would be locking things away so that I could surivive the first trimester need to sleep with less horror in the house).

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I'm not sure I've ever woken to a mess that bad but yes, this has been an issue in my house. I have boys about the same ages as yours so I truly understand. What I would do -

 

- have a sit down and explain in no uncertain terms that getting out of their room / eating / getting baby up - before you are awake will be punished with XYZ. Tell them directly that "forgetting" will not deter punishment.

 

- before they go to sleep, remind them of the rule.

 

- (some will laugh at this) Put up a sign on their bedroom door and the baby's bedroom door and on the tv that reminds them. Something simple like: REMEMBER you must stay in your room until mom is up or REMEMBER no getting baby up or no tv

 

- if they still get up, I'd punish severely (not physical punishment, loss of privileges probably)

 

- repeat as needed until it goes away.... (sigh)

 

I totally hear you about it being so exhausting just making them pick up their own messes - I don't think people that don't have a houseful of boys really understand. I will say - it is getting easier here. My boys are 10 1/2, almost 9, 7, and 4 1/2.

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If a kid isn't old enough to do something responsibly, then they aren't old enough for the priviledge. It is unfair to allow a priviledge you know they can't handle. And it is inevitable that you are going to be irritated when they fail. Don't set them up to fail!

 

Left markers where a toddler could get them? That is proof that the child is unable to handle the responsibility of free access to markers. Bye bye markers! Either they go to people who need them more (Goodwill), or they go in a cabinet kids don't have access to.

 

Can't eat without making a mess? Then you can't eat without Mom. If that means you have to go hungry until it is convenient for mom to come supervise, so be it. If that means locks, so be it.

 

As for the playroom, our rule is that if it is left out when you are done playing, you must not want it anymore. Off to Goodwill!! Needless to say, nothing EVER gets left out in there anymore!

 

My son was taught that to pee, we sit at home, and stand in public. Thankfully he hasn't realized that everyone doesn't do that! :)

 

When they splashed water all over the bathroom, I started only letting them bathe with like a few inches of water, enough to bathe but not enough to make a mess or have any fun. They have, at this point, earned back the priviledge of a full tub, and they don't abuse it.

 

If I were you, I would tighten WAAAAY down, and then give privileges back as the kids prove they can handle them. I wouldn't present this as a punishment, but more as just a realignment to get priviledges in line with ability to be responsible.

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What am I doing wrong?

 

Is this my lot in life? Is this sort of behavior tolerated in your home?

 

No. But it just doesn't happen. It must be trained/taught to them.

 

 

All I can say is I wake up before them. I've found it necessary for happiness and sanity. I'm not sure if that helps you, but a good hour (or two) saves my sanity. And truthfully, the hammer would come down if they got out of bed before me. :iagree::D

 

They don't take unsupervised baths or showers until they can be counted on to do it properly. This means: Take the bath or shower, clean up the floor, pick up your laundry, take it to the laundry room. Sometimes the last part needs help. Until they can do such thing I expect to supervise and teach/train.

 

There is no food on the carpet. That could mean death. ;)

 

I moved the toothbrushes to the kitchen for better supervision.... If and when I EVER remember to then have them brush their teeth. This is new for me. And hard.

 

Chores - praise does not work. A scheduled routine with expected accountability via Mom does. A child must get up, get dressed, and have their room clean. This doesn't happen by itself. It's constant accountability. Over weeks (or months) of training it DOES become habits. Consistency I think it the key.

 

Books, toys, papers, anything other than clothing and blankets and beds aren't allowed in the bedrooms. I love them. I want to continue to love them. If I allowed them to have toys in their room I probably would STOP loving them. They truly have proven themselves incapable of keeping it to my standards and so I HELP them by not TEMPTING them to destroy it. All toys stay where I can keep them readily accountable. It keeps me from freaking out and being a monster.

 

All I can think of is more consistency and apparently worse consequences without nagging or reminding. One shot. The catch 22 is that if the consistency is spotty or you are willing to remind over and over again, then they grow dependent on the, "Mom will tell me over and over" thought. It makes you UNDERSTANDABLY bad tempered and them lazy. Once. Only once.

 

I could not run my house at all if they did not help me care for it. There is not enough time in the day. We all live here.

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I am so glad to read this :D

 

I have never seen a child so imaginative and destructive as my DD. When she was 3, I woke up at 3 AM to her sitting on the kitchen table eating salt. She had woken up, climbed to the top cabinets, and pilfered through till she found what she wanted. And that is a mild example of her exploits. When she discovered sharpies, I thought I would die. Especially since they were always locked away.

 

There was no child lock she couldn't figure out, no shelf high enough, no discipline/talking/time out/spanking/stuff taken away/stuff thrown away/ etc that got through to her, no matter the consistency or severity.

 

She has mostly grown out of it, but I have long since stopped judging other parents for their children because of the looks/comments I got while trying to tame my Tot. :D

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As for the playroom, our rule is that if it is left out when you are done playing, you must not want it anymore. Off to Goodwill!! Needless to say, nothing EVER gets left out in there anymore!

 

 

 

Oooh, I like this!! I think I might try it with my girls. However, I already know what they are going to say...."Can we leave our village set up so that we can play with it in the morning???"

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If a kid isn't old enough to do something responsibly, then they aren't old enough for the priviledge. It is unfair to allow a priviledge you know they can't handle. And it is inevitable that you are going to be irritated when they fail. Don't set them up to fail!

 

Left markers where a toddler could get them? That is proof that the child is unable to handle the responsibility of free access to markers. Bye bye markers! Either they go to people who need them more (Goodwill), or they go in a cabinet kids don't have access to.

 

Can't eat without making a mess? Then you can't eat without Mom. If that means you have to go hungry until it is convenient for mom to come supervise, so be it. If that means locks, so be it.

 

As for the playroom, our rule is that if it is left out when you are done playing, you must not want it anymore. Off to Goodwill!! Needless to say, nothing EVER gets left out in there anymore!

 

My son was taught that to pee, we sit at home, and stand in public. Thankfully he hasn't realized that everyone doesn't do that! :)

 

When they splashed water all over the bathroom, I started only letting them bathe with like a few inches of water, enough to bathe but not enough to make a mess or have any fun. They have, at this point, earned back the priviledge of a full tub, and they don't abuse it.

 

If I were you, I would tighten WAAAAY down, and then give privileges back as the kids prove they can handle them. I wouldn't present this as a punishment, but more as just a realignment to get priviledges in line with ability to be responsible.

 

:iagree::iagree:

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I only had a girl and a boy, both creative artsy types. Grown and almost grown now.

 

Food was not allowed out of the kitchen. Ever. Only water in a sippy cup was allowed out of the kitchen. I was able to accomplish that. Then at least everything else that needed to be picked up didn't stick to the floor!

 

Four boys may be a whole different story.

 

Toy jail works somewhat (when you feel like enforcing it). Left out, it goes to toy jail for a week and you have to earn it coming out. This works best with something they actually like!

 

And, she is pregnant, don't make her get up earlier than the kids :)

Edited by Susan C.
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No. But it just doesn't happen. It must be trained/taught to them.

 

 

All I can say is I wake up before them. I've found it necessary for happiness and sanity. I'm not sure if that helps you, but a good hour (or two) saves my sanity. And truthfully, the hammer would come down if they got out of bed before me. :iagree::D

 

They don't take unsupervised baths or showers until they can be counted on to do it properly. This means: Take the bath or shower, clean up the floor, pick up your laundry, take it to the laundry room. Sometimes the last part needs help. Until they can do such thing I expect to supervise and teach/train.

 

There is no food on the carpet. That could mean death. ;)

 

I moved the toothbrushes to the kitchen for better supervision.... If and when I EVER remember to then have them brush their teeth. This is new for me. And hard.

 

Chores - praise does not work. A scheduled routine with expected accountability via Mom does. A child must get up, get dressed, and have their room clean. This doesn't happen by itself. It's constant accountability. Over weeks (or months) of training it DOES become habits. Consistency I think it the key.

 

Books, toys, papers, anything other than clothing and blankets and beds aren't allowed in the bedrooms. I love them. I want to continue to love them. If I allowed them to have toys in their room I probably would STOP loving them. They truly have proven themselves incapable of keeping it to my standards and so I HELP them by not TEMPTING them to destroy it. All toys stay where I can keep them readily accountable. It keeps me from freaking out and being a monster.

 

All I can think of is more consistency and apparently worse consequences without nagging or reminding. One shot. The catch 22 is that if the consistency is spotty or you are willing to remind over and over again, then they grow dependent on the, "Mom will tell me over and over" thought. It makes you UNDERSTANDABLY bad tempered and them lazy. Once. Only once.

 

I could not run my house at all if they did not help me care for it. There is not enough time in the day. We all live here.

I agree with you...but only with neurotypical children.

 

All bets are off when you have a child with autism in any form. And when it's your oldest and you spend 3x as much time with him as the others combined, then yes there are issues that go beyond "Did you train them properly? Were you consistent?"

 

Parents of aspies and auties wrote the book on consistency. Consistency doesn't work with all children. It works beautifully with neurotypical children (I have two NT kids). If you are consistent 99% of the time (even 90% of the time!) with NT kids, it works. If you are consistent 99.99% of the time with an autie or aspie, they will obsess, plan, and take full advantage of that 0.01%.

 

As reasonable as my neurotypical kids are, they don't live in a vacuum. Their older brother is here, too, and influences things a lot.

Edited by Geek
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I only had a girl and a boy, both creative artsy types. Grown and almost grown now.

 

Food was not allowed out of the kitchen. Ever. Only water in a sippy cup was allowed out of the kitchen. I was able to accomplish that. Then at least everything else that needed to be picked up didn't stick to the floor!

 

Four boys may be a whole different story.

 

I have 3 boys. I called dh and was telling him about the OP. He said, "Wait! Did you write this? Is that what you woke up too?" :D No, but it could happen.

 

Has anyone watched the new Hawaii Five-O? I swear my boys are going to grow up to be McGarrett!!!! :lol:

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