ProudGrandma Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 same daughter as the room cleaning thread...different issue...arguing...excessively...over nearly everything...this morning she was even arguing over the fact that I pointed out that she argues too much....UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I loose my temper too quickly, I know that...so I am trying really hard to stay calm...but when I tell her to do something, she right away argues, why she can't...when I tell her to help with something, she argues....when we are trying to do school work she argues because she thinks the work is too hard....get the idea?? SO.....besides hanging her from her toenails in the closet, what do I do??? Please give me some suggestions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crafty Mathy Mom Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 No help here. My kids are arguing over who has the juiciest orange and who gets to use the peanut butter first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlyingMOm Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 You might check out Raising Godly Tomatoes if you need help establishing yourself as her authority. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 My 13.5 year old ds goes through stages of such behaviour and I would end up yelling. I always tried not to engage with him, but I was never successful until I started humming and singing. When I see that he's in one of his 'moods' I pick a song and start humming. I ask him to do something, he starts arguing and I keep humming. If his arguing continues, I start singing. It's very hard to yell when you're singing, plus it keeps me focussed on something other than his nastiness. It has worked wonders and he is even arguing less. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 My 13.5 year old ds goes through stages of such behaviour and I would end up yelling. I always tried not to engage with him, but I was never successful until I started humming and singing. When I see that he's in one of his 'moods' I pick a song and start humming. I ask him to do something, he starts arguing and I keep humming. If his arguing continues, I start singing. It's very hard to yell when you're singing, plus it keeps me focussed on something other than his nastiness. It has worked wonders and he is even arguing less. this is funny....but it might actually work....thanks!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I wrote about this last week. I have a son who is going through this and I have been reading about disengaging. It's not easy and I don't know that it will work for all ages... Basically, stop arguing with her. Say what you need to say and do not respond to the argument. If she does not comply, you follow up with "You know what you have to do". If you need to follow up with a consequence, do so without discussions. Disengage. "Little girl, sit down to work on your spelling." "I caaaan't, my pencil is missing." Mom hands pencil, provides a back up pencil and says, "You know what you have to do." And stops. Doesn't respond to any argument. Do something different in same room, but don't give her the attention or the argument. You know what triggers your child. (I have a son who would get up 5 times an hour... to sharpen a pencil, go to the bathroom, get a drink, break his pencil on purpose to get up.) So, I would give him 5 sharpened pencils, have him go to the bathroom and get a drink, then tell him to start and that was that. Also, every time you speak to your girl, give her two options. Fill her day with choices that SHE makes. Do you want this cereal or that cereal? Do you want to eat breakfast now or in 5 minutes? Would you like to do school work here or there? Would you like two or three? Do this as much as you can... it really does work. Children want to know that they have a bit of control in their own life. A couple of mine really need this (control). Giving them choices helps satisfy that. Then, when you are not going to give her a choice and say, "It's time for you to get into bed and go to sleep" and she protests, you remind her that she was allowed to make all her choices during the day and now it's your turn." (That is from Love and Logic) Fellow mom... still learning... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 I wrote about this last week. I have a son who is going through this and I have been reading about disengaging. It's not easy and I don't know that it will work for all ages... Basically, stop arguing with her. Say what you need to say and do not respond to the argument. If she does not comply, you follow up with "You know what you have to do". If you need to follow up with a consequence, do so without discussions. Disengage. "Little girl, sit down to work on your spelling." "I caaaan't, my pencil is missing." Mom hands pencil, provides a back up pencil and says, "You know what you have to do." And stops. Doesn't respond to any argument. Do something different in same room, but don't give her the attention or the argument. You know what triggers your child. (I have a son who would get up 5 times an hour... to sharpen a pencil, go to the bathroom, get a drink, break his pencil on purpose to get up.) So, I would give him 5 sharpened pencils, have him go to the bathroom and get a drink, then tell him to start and that was that. Also, every time you speak to your girl, give her two options. Fill her day with choices that SHE makes. Do you want this cereal or that cereal? Do you want to eat breakfast now or in 5 minutes? Would you like to do school work here or there? Would you like two or three? Do this as much as you can... it really does work. Children want to know that they have a bit of control in their own life. A couple of mine really need this (control). Giving them choices helps satisfy that. Then, when you are not going to give her a choice and say, "It's time for you to get into bed and go to sleep" and she protests, you remind her that she was allowed to make all her choices during the day and now it's your turn." (That is from Love and Logic) Fellow mom... still learning... thank you for this...I am going to copy it and post it someplace so I can see it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 When my DD12 gets into arguing mode, we break with a "No Negotiation" day. I have told her that asking why and negotiating are privileges that can be taken away if abused. Having a day where she is allowed to respond nothing but "yes ma'am" seems to break a habit she gets into of arguing with everything. We have done this 2-3 times, and now usually a reminder is enough that she "is abusing her privileges and might it be time for a No Negotiation day?". Just for us, the choices thing never did work. She would just argue with the choices given. :banghead: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 When my DD12 gets into arguing mode, we break with a "No Negotiation" day. I have told her that asking why and negotiating are privileges that can be taken away if abused. Having a day where she is allowed to respond nothing but "yes ma'am" seems to break a habit she gets into of arguing with everything. We have done this 2-3 times, and now usually a reminder is enough that she "is abusing her privileges and might it be time for a No Negotiation day?". Just for us, the choices thing never did work. She would just argue with the choices given. :banghead: yea...I can see Hannah arguing over the choices too...and I like your wording...it is a privilege that can be taken away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I absolutely totally agree with Bee. After the first few times it gets easier to not argue back. And it works with adults also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) My dd started arguing more this year. What works for her is a simple "you have to clean your room, then when you're done you can let me know. Thank you." This pretty much works for everything, for now anyway. For ds, who started arguing the minute he was born, I have to give choices and ignore what follows. For example, if I offer this or that cereal, he's going to start a tantrum. If I pull away from it and give him no attention, he will pick one of what was offered and be happy. When I react to what he says or does, it turns into a fight. ETA: DS also does very well with "this, then" options. "When you pick up your clothes, then we can ..." If statements works better in the negative. "If you do ... you will ..." "If you choose to hit your sister, you will not play outside" Edited March 28, 2011 by amo_mea_filiis add something Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 I just sat her down and told her she has been abusing her right to discuss her options and for the time being the ONLY thing that is to come from her mouth after being told to do something is "yes mom"...she sat there with her mouth wide open. I told her that after she has learned to respond that way, I would slowly add back her right to discuss. So then she put it to the test right away...she was working on school work but was getting frustrated, sporting a bad attitude (this was before our little discussion) so I told her to calm down and take a bath. Right away she started to argue...I told her "yes mom" and she repeated...and stomped off. When she returned someone had slipped into the bathroom and when she returned so did her attitude...so I told her to go sit in x chair...and the arguing started again...."I want to get my bear..."...I said "yes mom"...she repeated and went to the chair. When she could go to the bathroom...she in the nicest voice she has used all day asked, "May I please get my bear?". But when she went into the bathroom she started grumbling and crabbing....i just ignored her...it stopped. thanks gals for helping me and giving me the courage to make a change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Oh... and when I give choices, if they wont make one, I make the choice for them. Then I move on as if it's simply the best day ever! If they argue with choices, that is out of my control. You know... kids ARE out of our control. We are not responsible for their actions, we are just responsible to provide for their needs and teach them... guide them. It's up to them to learn from us... that just isn't in our control. I love the idea of humming of singing if the arguing starts... I have actually started doing that recently, not realizing it! It got the message to my 13yos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Surely you must be talking about my almost 7 year old because it sounds exactly like her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I just sat her down and told her she has been abusing her right to discuss her options and for the time being the ONLY thing that is to come from her mouth after being told to do something is "yes mom"...she sat there with her mouth wide open. I told her that after she has learned to respond that way, I would slowly add back her right to discuss. So then she put it to the test right away...she was working on school work but was getting frustrated, sporting a bad attitude (this was before our little discussion) so I told her to calm down and take a bath. Right away she started to argue...I told her "yes mom" and she repeated...and stomped off. When she returned someone had slipped into the bathroom and when she returned so did her attitude...so I told her to go sit in x chair...and the arguing started again...."I want to get my bear..."...I said "yes mom"...she repeated and went to the chair. When she could go to the bathroom...she in the nicest voice she has used all day asked, "May I please get my bear?". But when she went into the bathroom she started grumbling and crabbing....i just ignored her...it stopped. thanks gals for helping me and giving me the courage to make a change. Good job, mom! I find for my DD that arguing becomes a "habit", and if I break the cycle we are usually ok for awhile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deacongirl Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960 I really like this book. And need to re-read it myself! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 My younger son, who has anxiety and o/c problems, does this. I've been told that control issues go along with these things. I have some of them, myself. I do point out the arguing and so does my husband and we give him examples of what would not be arguing. We also ground him at times for the arguing, make him write lines, etc. Talking to him in depth and telling him that he is to remain quiet while we're talking to him (no response whatsoever, so that he can actually listen), still seems to be the best remedy for this. That, and sleep, LOL..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.