HAVES and HAVE-NOTS

[Rosie_0801]

 

Overwhelmed and exhausted from being told all the ways in which my attempts at compassion are failures. I am moving on to happier pastures... :tongue_smilie:

 

All I think anyone is saying is that it is best to help people in the way they need help .

 

Here's a completely at home, mundane example. I was criticised for not accepting help with my new babies. The help that was offered, was that someone would come and take my baby out for the day to give me a break. I thanked them, but refused each time. Why did I do that? Because I didn't need anyone to take my baby for a whole day! I didn't want anyone to take my baby for a whole day! My baby didn't want to go away from me at all, let alone a whole day! What did I want? I wanted someone to come and take her out for an hour a week. Would anyone do that? Ha. No. So I was in trouble for not needing to be helped in the way people wanted to help. I would even go so far as to say that I was supposed to thank them very graciously and let them take my baby away while she screamed all day and I sat home and felt miserable because I knew my baby was screaming, and well, a person doesn't feel so good if she hasn't breastfed in too long! so they could feel good for having helped.

 

As I tried to explain, if you have a headache, you don't gush with gratitude when someone offers you a bandaid. You say "no thankyou." We need to give the right solution to the right problem, if we want to be helpful. In my example, there were people telling me what the solution to my problem was, and they were quite wrong.

 

Rosie

Edited February 6, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[jld]

Different people see things differently. Different people accept things differently. We all bring a lifetime of experiences to these boards, and sometimes the best we can do is listen to other people, even if we can't agree with them.

 

I really love your spirit, Heather, and the way you really try to put yourself in other people's shoes, and treat them the way you'd like to be treated. I am sure you are a true blessing, and a real witness, to the people around you.:)

[Gratia271]

Different people see things differently. Different people accept things differently. We all bring a lifetime of experiences to these boards, and sometimes the best we can do is listen to other people, even if we can't agree with them.

 

I really love your spirit, Heather, and the way you really try to put yourself in other people's shoes, and treat them the way you'd like to be treated. I am sure you are a true blessing, and a real witness, to the people around you.:)

 

:iagree:

[SonshineLearner]

Hey KJB :) What a kind hearted explanation.. and post :)

[Mejane]

 

IMO, Americans are some of the most giving people in the world. We do step in and help where we can. Sometimes we are misguided, sometimes we are driven by self-interest, sometimes we are cultural idiots and make huge mistakes, but I believe as a world power our hearts are mostly in the right place. Feel good about that. Do what you can for those around you. Respect the culture you are in enough to not feel sorry for the people that surround you.

 

:iagree:I would also add: Recognize that sometimes with some people you can't win no matter what you do. It'll help you sleep at night.

[unsinkable]

Heather,

Can I just say I love you? You can't seem to win on this board, and I do not get it. Hang in there. You a beautiful daughter of the King, and it's a wonderful thing to see what your family is doing in this world. :grouphug:

 

Awww, Nakia. I love you too. No worries. I have very thick skin and I learned a long time ago that this is all just pretend. It's not real life. I don't lose sleep over posts on this board.

There were so many great replies to this thread by people who actually got the point of it and it has given me lots to think about and others too. It's funny to me that I get lambasted for not "heeding advice" when I never actually asked anyone on here "what do you all think I should pay my ahma?" And yet I receive all kinds of unsolicited opinions on it and then I am arrogant for not following those unsolicited opinions. :lol: Ah, such is life on the boards. The point of the thread was so much larger than that one tiny issue and so I just sift through it all and take the pearls with me and leave the rest.

 

Yes I am opinonated and I do a lot of things people say "can't" be done or "shouldn't" be done that way and I will continue to do what God shows me is the right thing to do even if it upsets some people. I only have to answer for my own actions and I can live with that. ;)

 

But Nakia if you EVER get a chance to come to Malaysia will you PLEASE photograph my children? Your pics are amazing. In fact, I think you could do a whole collection of "faces" photography here. There are so many interesting faces...so diverse. But I suppose that's another topic....

 

I guess the nearly TWO HUNDRED posts supporting and celebrating and suggesting names for the new daughter Heather might be able to adopt are good evidence of how Heather just can't win on this board.

 

It is nice to know that it is all pretend and not real life.

[VBoulden]

I live in a moderately large city in the US, by the way...

 

But, I was ALSO struggling with some similar feelings when I saw the obvious disparity between the amount of money we make and the amount of money some of our neighbors make... for example...

 

When I filled out a membership application at our inner city's YMCA, there were boxes to check for our income: one for 20-30 thousand, 30-40 thousand, etc. our income was, quite literally, off the charts... THAT was humiliating because many people had to watch me fill that out and I saw them whisper...

 

Also, we go to some of the city's beaches and swimming pools in the summer, etc. Many of the kids who come there don't even have swim suits (while my daughter has one that my mom got her, one from the neighbor whose little girls out grew it, one that I bought her in spring and another we purchased cause it was so on sale that it was basically free.)

Everything I was feeling was "resolved" for me when I finally came to the conclusion that though I had taken advantage of the chances I have been given in life... (I earned a full scholarship to college and kept it through hard work... I was the only child in my family to graduate college because of this... etc.) ...my husband and I also HAVE had things given to us that we just take for granted most of the time...

 

Here's a subtle, though obvious example of what I mean...

 

Before I say the following, I want to say that my dad is a good, affectionate man and my brother is a happy man and who is so generous to my kids, that it's ridiculous... So... I mean them no disrespect by what I say...

 

BUT... my dad was, in fact, a moderate/ low-paid, labor intensive worker his whole whole life (he worked construction at one point, also drove a trash truck and also worked security) and his son, my brother, is now also a in a moderate-pay, labor intensive job himself (he is a truck driver). My dad would tell you that he didn't raise my brother TO be in that kind of labor intensive career, per say, but my father also didn't know how to raise my brother for any other kind of career, either, if that makes any sense...that isn't to say that my brother would have chosen a different career anyway... but just hear me out...

 

On the other hand, my husband is an engineer and he is very comfortable in a high stress career that depends mainly on his wit because his father did that every day of his life. His dad was a top accountant for a very, very large hospital. In fact, my husband learned of his current job THROUGH his father's connection to the company!!!

 

I see this kind of thing worked out practically all the time.... One of my female cousins is a doctor and well... her dad was a surgeon. Another female cousin works in retail. Well, her mom and mom also worked in retail, too...

 

I don't mean to make judgments on anyone's happiness or character based on what they do for a living... But, I am just pointing out the obvious connection we sometimes miss because we think, "it shouldn't really matter who or what your parents did...", but in a real sense, it does for many, many people.

 

It occurred to me that, in many ways (like career choices), people are given a legitimate "leg up" because of who their parents are, what they did for a living, what they were able to teach their children, what they were able to financially provide them, etc.

 

With that in mind, I realized that the only appropriate response to the disparity between my life and someone else's life is humility, responsibility and gratitude...

 

and... hospitality!!!

 

I think you should have these neighbors over. And, there is no shame in offering them the jobs if they can do them and then paying them really well for the job's they do for you, and using those occasions to build lasting friendships with those families, etc.

 

:001_smile:

[Nakia]

I guess the nearly TWO HUNDRED posts supporting and celebrating and suggesting names for the new daughter Heather might be able to adopt are good evidence of how Heather just can't win on this board.

 

It is nice to know that it is all pretend and not real life.

 

While there certainly was a lot of support on that particular thread, I am certain it would prove to be a big job to count up all the posts attacking and condemning Heather and her choices. I'm not just talking about this thread. I do find it sad that no matter how much she is trying to do the right thing and clearly loves and honors God, she is still treated harshly by so many.

 

While I don't agree with Heather that this is all pretend and not real life, I am glad to see that she doesn't let the things people say here hurt her.

 

I'm sorry if I offended you, which is suggested by your very sarcastic tone. I was addressing Heather and trying to offer some support to a friend I have "known" on this and another board for many years.

[simka2]

 

All I think anyone is saying is that it is best to help people in the way they need help .

 

Here's a completely at home, mundane example. I was criticised for not accepting help with my new babies. The help that was offered, was that someone would come and take my baby out for the day to give me a break. I thanked them, but refused each time. Why did I do that? Because I didn't need anyone to take my baby for a whole day! I didn't want anyone to take my baby for a whole day! My baby didn't want to go away from me at all, let alone a whole day! What did I want? I wanted someone to come and take her out for an hour a week. Would anyone do that? Ha. No. So I was in trouble for not needing to be helped in the way people wanted to help. I would even go so far as to say that I was supposed to thank them very graciously and let them take my baby away while she screamed all day and I sat home and felt miserable because I knew my baby was screaming, and well, a person doesn't feel so good if she hasn't breastfed in too long! so they could feel good for having helped.

 

As I tried to explain, if you have a headache, you don't gush with gratitude when someone offers you a bandaid. You say "no thankyou." We need to give the right solution to the right problem, if we want to be helpful. In my example, there were people telling me what the solution to my problem was, and they were quite wrong.

 

Rosie

 

I was reading your response, nodding my head in agreement, thinking...."This is what I have been trying to say." Then, I was struck by another thought. "Wait is she talking about the Ahma (or other workers), or Heather herself?"

 

I was thinking of Heather herself, but I'm realizing this is applicable to both. OK, not a profound point...I just thought it was interesting :D.

[unsinkable]

While there certainly was a lot of support on that particular thread, I am certain it would prove to be a big job to count up all the posts attacking and condemning Heather and her choices. I'm not just talking about this thread. I do find it sad that no matter how much she is trying to do the right thing and clearly loves and honors God, she is still treated harshly by so many.

 

While I don't agree with Heather that this is all pretend and not real life, I am glad to see that she doesn't let the things people say here hurt her.

 

I'm sorry if I offended you, which is suggested by your very sarcastic tone. I was addressing Heather and trying to offer some support to a friend I have "known" on this and another board for many years.

 

There was no very sarcastic tone.

 

People see what they want to see.

 

It is a FACT that there were over 200 posts in a thread supporting Heather.

 

If that is not getting a break on this board, then I DO apologize.

 

Please also let me apologize for replying/responding on a GENERAL MESSAGE BOARD to a general message.

Edited February 6, 2011 by unsinkable

[Nakia]

There was no very sarcastic tone. So you were not being sarcastic when you said: "It is nice to know that it is all pretend and not real life." What would you call that?

 

People see what they want to see. Very true. And I SAW some pretty harsh posts to a FRIEND so I wanted to show her some support.

 

It is a FACT that there were over 200 posts in a thread supporting Heather. I didn't disagree with you about that. It is also a FACT that there have been many less than supportive posts towards Heather. Did you read the one about the complications with Natalie's adoption process? That thread actually cause one long time poster to leave the boards.

 

If that is not getting a break on this board, then I DO apologize. You don't have to apologize for anything. I'm not upset or anything, and I hope you aren't either. Again, I just wanted to show support to Heather. She is friend outside of this board.

 

Please also let me apologize for replying/responding on a GENERAL MESSAGE BOARD to a general message. You can reply to whatever you want to reply to, but what you chose to reply to was something I typed to Heather and her response to me. I felt it necessary to respond to your post since it was addressed, in part, to me/my post.

 

I really hate hate hate arguing, but I felt like I needed to respond. I don't believe you and I have ever exchanged any harsh words, and I don't want there to be any misunderstandings. I will admit that since Heather is a friend, I tend to want to "come to her rescue." Of course, Heather is a big girl, and she can take up for herself. It just hurts me when I see her misjudged. I know her heart, and I know she means well in what she does. I know you weren't implying otherwise, but I am trying to explain why I posted in this thread in the first place.