LauraGB Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Do you like your dh or dw's friends? Do you both tend to gravitate toward couples with whom you have things in common? Or do you each do your own thing when it comes to friends? What happens when you don't like your spouse's friends? Do you let it be because individuality is important or do you speak up? For instance ;), I hate all of dh's friends. All of them have been friends for years (decades?), all of them are single, many of them are jobless (as in waiting it out for that master of all jobs where they can earn the most money for the least amt of work) and childless. Dh and I own 2 businesses, have two children, homeschool (obviously), and more responsibility than all of his friends combined. One, in particular, can't even look at someone during a conversation because he needs to stay focused on his phone (:001_huh: - not kidding, and this guy is almost 40 :001_huh::001_huh:). Personally, dh knows what I think, and while agrees, they are still his friends and I'm not willing to put myself in the position to tell him who he can be friends with - not my personality. But, gosh, I just really can't stand them. So, I'm curious - I've seen threads about friends of the opposite sex, but I don't recall any about just friends a spouse doesn't like. How do you handle the friend situation in your relationship? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Nope--our friends are the same. This was probably the last straw w/ the last guy I dated before dh. He was always super busy with his vast array of friends who "needed" him all the time--but nobody he was actually invested in, if that makes sense--like he needed to feel needed but didn't want anyone to get past these walls he had up, so he'd make sure to befriend people in dire straights. Anyway, he finally came w/ me to an informal dinner & met my friends. He was pretty obviously uncomfortable, & when he finally told me what was wrong a week or so later--it was that he didn't like my friends. He thought they were fake, etc. Those friends included my future dh, my future maid of honor, etc. They are the most genuine people I've ever met. Ex, nearly 15 yrs later, has still never married, still has a slick personality, still won't let anyone past those walls. He's actually a really nice guy, but I began to have the feeling toward the end of our relationship that, as big as he talked about wanting marriage & family, it would never happen. Poor guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Do you like your dh or dw's friends? Do you both tend to gravitate toward couples with whom you have things in common? Or do you each do your own thing when it comes to friends? What happens when you don't like your spouse's friends? Do you let it be because individuality is important or do you speak up? Some of each. We have couple-friends where we are friends with the husband and wife, and we each have our own friends that we do our own thing with. We have each had a very few friends that the other disapproved of to the point that we stopped hanging out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I am fortunate in that I like all of dh's friends. But even if I didn't, he doesn't interact with his friends that much. They might call a couple times a year, get together with him once a year, that sort of thing. I tend to call and see my friends more often. Dh likes most of my friends. There are a couple of them, who admittedly have problems, whom Dh despises. He is polite but usually chooses to be absent when I see them. Lately these friendships have been dying natural deaths because longtime loyalty can only go so far when you really have nothing else in common anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GypsieFamily Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Definitely same situation as the op here. He seems to deliberately choose terrible friends. They always drink way too much. He sees that they are losers but doesn't seem to care. I drew the line a few weeks ago when one of these people invited us around for dinner. This guy brought out his wife's old (smaller) boob implants for show 'n' tell, the wife's father asked her to pay for a hooker for Xmas. Then their 8yo pinned our dd8 to the ground and she said she was felt really uncomfortable. So, I'm not playing the nice card of you can choose your own friends and it's none of your business any more. I figure it has negatively impacted on my kids, so I had a gigantic temper tantrum about exposing us to that element and putting dd8 at risk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 Definitely same situation as the op here. He seems to deliberately choose terrible friends. They always drink way too much. He sees that they are losers but doesn't seem to care. I drew the line a few weeks ago when one of these people invited us around for dinner. This guy brought out his wife's old (smaller) boob implants for show 'n' tell, the wife's father asked her to pay for a hooker for Xmas. Then their 8yo pinned our dd8 to the ground and she said she was felt really uncomfortable. So, I'm not playing the nice card of you can choose your own friends and it's none of your business any more. I figure it has negatively impacted on my kids, so I had a gigantic temper tantrum about exposing us to that element and putting dd8 at risk. :blink: Wow. I'm with you on your decision there. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Its been an issue at time- dh is far more social than I am. Its not so much the quality of friends as the quantity :) Dh no longer drinks alcohol and so a certain grade of friend did drop away many years ago. We have our separate friends and our together friends. I did try and control his relationships with some people but nowadays there is peace in that area. My issue is more than most of dh's friends tend to look up to him, put him on a pedestal, and that can give a certain sucky type of energy- needy,wanting something- that really bugs me at times. Overall though, we have worked through the issues and its not too bad nowadays. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 My dh likes my friends and for the most part my friends like him too. For dh, he likes anyone who treats his wife or kids well. That's really all it takes to win him over. I don't know many of dh's friends very well. Honestly when he isn't working, he tends to be with us. Many couples or singles just aren't our social cup of tea. We don't know very many people who do things as couples. We seem to be the exception. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I WISH my dh had some friends. Anything to get him off his computer games! He's lost touch (except for the one-a-month facebook post) with everyone he knew in high school, and there's no one his age at his work or our church. I have one friend, and dh is okay with her husband. They could actually probably be friends, if either one of them actually made an effort :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Dh and I tend to have different friends. I like his fine, but we don't socialize. He tends to to play with his friends. I play with mine. Our games are different.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I like his friends okay and he likes mine okay, but there's not a lot of overlap or couples-friends. One of his best friends has a very nice wife whom I like just fine, but neither of us has really made great efforts to hang out. DH was just commenting about it, too, he said he doesn't understand why she and I are not better friends. We could be, but she's not in my activities circle and so I guess just neither of us goes out of our way to do things together. Most of the couples-friends type of things we do are with his siblings and their spouses. His family is very tight-knit and so we do things together a lot. Early on, dh's friends were a problem for me; some were as the OP described. They had all been divorced and were on the "wild" side. But the friends who stuck around out of that group did settle down and marry and a couple of them became Christians, so the situation became more agreeable over time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 We have all the same friends too. But how about the fact that I can't stand the husband's of my two BFFs? Does that count? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I like dh's day to day friends. Their wives are my friends too (we are couple friends). His college friends all seem respectable, and he only talks to them a few times a year. I have a larger circle of friends and acquaintances. Dh likes or tolerates all of them. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 He was always super busy with his vast array of friends who "needed" him all the time--but nobody he was actually invested in, if that makes sense--like he needed to feel needed but didn't want anyone to get past these walls he had up, so he'd make sure to befriend people in dire straights. That's an interesting view on the subject. Beats my "geeze, it's time to grow up already" view :D. Seriously, though, you bring forth an aspect that I hadn't really considered, and considering the ages we are all talking about, it's an interesting take. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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