WWYD: sharing toys

[my2kidsmom]

Ok, I'm just curious if I have the right mindset on the issue. The neighborhood kids are over playing. We shoo-ed them outside and they were playing an imaginative game of spy/army/survivor or something that involved binoculars, walkie talkies, guns, etc. all of which belong to ds. Ds (5) wanted the machine gun (best of the guns). Another kid had the gun and did not want to give it to him. I intervened with the first reaction of "well, ds needs to share and the kids should be able to play with his machine gun". Ds had other options which I proposed. None of them were good enough. Ds tried to get the kids to trade with him and she didn't want to. After I left, ds continued to be upset. Then, I thought for a second. I think ds is sharing his toys. I mean, every toy they are playing with is his and if he want his machine gun, is it really fair to him to NOT get it all the name of sharing. I talked with dh and he ended up getting involved and just sent kids home and made everyone mad and now I have kids in the house again. :mad: I should have just dealt with it myself and they would still be outside playing.

 

Anyway, I was wondering what do you think about this? Would you have made your ds give up the toy or have the other kids choose something else? (or would you have been like dh and sent them all home)

[Cheryl in NM]

If neither child was willing to compromise I would have put that particular toy up. If they can't learn to be compassionate about each other and compromise then they don't need that toy. That toy is "in the way" of them having a good time together. Before taking the toy I would have suggested a time share of the toy: child a gets the toy for 15 mins then child b for 15 mins. Something like that might have helped the situation along. So basically, give them the tools to handle the situation correctly, but if that fails take the interfereing toy out of the scheme of things. If this situation keeps repeating on the day I would send the kids home.

[Ohio12]

but I have tried to explain to dd 3 things:

 

1. we should always prefer others over ourselves

 

2. more practically speaking though, the trade off for getting to play with kids and have them over is having to share. I try to explain to her that if there is going to be a problem with other kids playing with her toys, that they will have to go home and I will not be so inclined to have them over again.

 

3. also, there is the whole maybe making that kid give it back to your kid after a certain amount of time. set a timer for 15 minutes or something. but I hate all that because then you are having to police everything.

[JFSinIL]

I agree with the time idea - when my kids argue over a toy I set a timer. If arguments persist the toy goes to time out. If the kids do not like that - they go to time out!

 

Tell you ds to make sure to hang onto his toy of choice before a game gets started, if possble.

[Jennifer in NH]

If neither child was willing to compromise I would have put that particular toy up. If they can't learn to be compassionate about each other and compromise then they don't need that toy. That toy is "in the way" of them having a good time together. Before taking the toy I would have suggested a time share of the toy: child a gets the toy for 15 mins then child b for 15 mins. Something like that might have helped the situation along. So basically, give them the tools to handle the situation correctly, but if that fails take the interfereing toy out of the scheme of things. If this situation keeps repeating on the day I would send the kids home.

:iagree: I would have put that toy away. I don't know if this will help, but when my kids have company they now know that anything that is left out to play with is to be shared. If they have a toy (or 20 toys) that they don't want to share it gets put away in my room for the day.That way, if they have something special they do not have to share...but they also cannot use it when they have company.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Before having guests over, if there are things that they are not wanting to share, they get put away. IF there are squabbles over items during play, if they cannot be worked out nicely, those get put up as well. Frankly, I don't expect them to have to share every single thing they have. Some time ago I read something about kids and sharing that really made sense to me. It turned it into adult "toys". If you got a new corvette, and you had a friend over, would you share? Ummm, doubtful! To a kid, some of their things are to them as that corvette would be to an adult. Prized and cherished. It is okay to not have to share every little thing. Different case if someone were in need. I am talking about toys, not necessities. It made sense to me though. So I try to give them that respect that they might have prized things they don't want everybody else to handle and we put away with guests. Otherwise, we share.

[kaylk in tx]

i haven't had to use it with neighborhood kids because we don't have any close that my kids play with. all our toys are community toys. so whoever is playing with it gets to play with it until they're through with it. if someone else wants it, they ask "can you give me the blank when you're done". so far that's worked here but like i said, that's with my own kids. i don't know how well that would work with visitors.

[lollie010]

I don't know if this will help, but when my kids have company they now know that anything that is left out to play with is to be shared. If they have a toy (or 20 toys) that they don't want to share it gets put away in my room for the day.That way, if they have something special they do not have to share...but they also cannot use it when they have company.

 

 

I have a friend who taught me this technique. Her kids were sharing so wonderfully with my two little ones and it was just a great day. She told me that she handles it by allowing her boys to put away one or two things that they just are not prepared to share. Everything else is up for grabs. It really worked and I have started allowing mine to do the same. Its funny though because in almost every instance they decide that they really did want to share that special toy and they ask to get it out. It is great to see them making that choice.

 

Laurel T.

[Carol in Cal.]

"Put the toys away that you are not willing to share before your guests arrive."

 

In your position, I would have taken your son aside and reminded him that the other child had started to use it first, and would have walked him through going to the other child and asking to have a turn as soon as the other child was finished with it. In my experience, that usually means that peace prevails. Sometimes you just have to be out there with them, though.

[beansprouts]

Ok, I'm just curious if I have the right mindset on the issue. The neighborhood kids are over playing. We shoo-ed them outside and they were playing an imaginative game of spy/army/survivor or something that involved binoculars, walkie talkies, guns, etc. all of which belong to ds. Ds (5) wanted the machine gun (best of the guns). Another kid had the gun and did not want to give it to him. I intervened with the first reaction of "well, ds needs to share and the kids should be able to play with his machine gun".

 

It sounds like your ds was doing a find job of sharing his things and playing with the other children. All he asked was to play with this one gun - which belonged to him anyways. I don't think that was unreasonable.

 

I have a different pov about sharing than many. I allow my children to have rights over their own peoperty and determine whether they want to share. If another child wants to play with something I tell them to ask the owner of the item. If the answer is "no" I support that. It is a matter of respect.

 

I live in a neighborhood like the op, and I frequently have children wander over to play with mine. More than once this one child has come to my yard and insisted that my ds share a toy he had been happily playing with. This doesn't fly with me.

 

We had a birthday party for dd today. Two different boys at the party asked if they could try out ds's new bike. I told the first he needed to ask ds (and I actually don't know what happened with that). Later, a second boy began rudly insisting that ds needed to share his bike, and I supported ds's right to keep his brand new bike for himself. I just don't get it. None of my grown-up guests come to my home and insist I share my belongings - why should this be expected of my children?

[Sue G in PA]

I hesitate to add my .02 but I can't resist. It is a tough situation b/c your ds was doing such a great job sharing everything else. We had a similar situation. Ds9 had a friend over and they were playing light saber battles. Ds9 gave friend my ds6's light saber to use. Ds6 wanted it. I did intervene b/c ds9 didn't have the right to give friend something that wasn't even his to begin with. I know...different situation, but similar. I love the idea of putting away toys that dc don't want to share. It is their right not to if it is a prized possession and they are concerned about it breaking or something. We do teach our dc to always think of others before themselves and that includes sharing toys. My "lectures" always go something like this: "Dc, your friend is only visiting for a short while. You have your toy to play with all the time. Your friend does not. Don't you think the selfless thing to do would be to let your friend play w/ it while he/she is here since you have it to play with all the other times?" Okay, so it doesn't always work w/ my little ones, but most of the time they do relent. Dh and I try to set the precedent. We share of everything we have with others. For ex/ my neighbor frequently uses our computer, washer and dryer b/c she doesn't have a computer and her washer does not work well. Is it an inconvenience to us sometimes? Yes. But, we do it anyway. She also lets us borrow her lawn mower whenever we need to (ours died last summer and we just can't afford one right now) and babysits my kids whenever I need her to. Okay, I'm rambling now. It is a tough situation. Sorry no read advice...just our own personal "rules" for sharing.

[Snickerdoodle]

I tell my kids that if they ask for a turn and and the other kid is not done, then my kids have to wait until they are done. They may ask, but they may not grab, or whine and complain about not getting a turn.

 

Sometimes you don't get what you want right when you want it. Life is disappointing that way occasionally. You may not whine and cry about it. Be patient. Find something else to play with while you are waiting.

 

I do this between my boys as well when they are alone playing.

[beansprouts]

I love the idea of putting away toys that dc don't want to share. It is their right not to if it is a prized possession and they are concerned about it breaking or something. We do teach our dc to always think of others before themselves and that includes sharing toys. My "lectures" always go something like this: "Dc, your friend is only visiting for a short while. You have your toy to play with all the time. Your friend does not. Don't you think the selfless thing to do would be to let your friend play w/ it while he/she is here since you have it to play with all the other times?"

 

I guess I don't get why a visiting child suddenly has rights to my children's property, and why my children need to be denied their own property when we have guests over. If ds wants to ride *his* bike, why is it unreasonable to ask our guests to choose from the myraid of other bikes, scooters, skateboards and riding toys in our yard? My grown up friends do not insist I either share my belongings or put them away when they are present.

 

If a child were being hostile to his guests and refusing to share *anything* and/or play nice that would be a different story.

[st_claire]

I agree that toys they don't want to be shared shouldn't be out when guests come over. And I also agree that if the kids start fighting over a toy, the toy gets put away. Let them use sticks for guns lol, everyone can have a stick.

[st_claire]

I guess I don't get why a visiting child suddenly has rights to my children's property, and why my children need to be denied their own property when we have guests over. If ds wants to ride *his* bike, why is it unreasonable to ask our guests to choose from the myraid of other bikes, scooters, skateboards and riding toys in our yard? My grown up friends do not insist I either share my belongings or put them away when they are present.

 

If a child were being hostile to his guests and refusing to share *anything* and/or play nice that would be a different story.

 

 

I think the difference is that you wouldn't let your adult guests use something, and then while they were using it, ask for it back. Like for example, if someone was staying over and ask to use my computer, and then I needed it, I would just use another computer, not ask them to change computers. It's just easier. If I didn't want them to use my computer, I would have let them use a different one in the first place. So if your kid think they may want to ride their bike, they should offer a guest bike (if they have those) in the first place, not ask the guest to change bikes partway through.

[Aubrey]

When ds7 was about 3, we had some friends who were raising their children with the theory that they didn't have to share their toys with friends. The idea that they were trying to convey was that God freely shares with us--He gives us grace, but he doesn't *have* to.

 

Each of these friends had one 3 yo child (& a baby), one boy, one girl. They were at each others' houses constantly, so each had a turn to be the Owner of the Toys & choose whether or not to share.

 

Then we came along. One of the sets of parents were college friends, but dh & I had moved an hr away & looked for another church. Finally, we returned despite the drive. But because of the distance between us, whenever we got together, it was always at church or one of these friends' houses.

 

The result of this method of parenting, over time, was that the 3yo girl became a bully: she took toys from the other kids *wherever* they were. The 3yo boy became passive. My ds did not do well in the mix, because he'd never been in a situation where his rights were so trampled, where someone could just take things from him at will, & wherever we were, *someone* had that "right," according to the parents.

 

I learned this the hard way. The girl had taken an object from my son (at church, on "neutral" ground), & I'd insisted she give it back. When his mother found out, she explained their rule, & said something to the effect of, "We'll have to figure out the rules for church." :confused:

 

It got to the point that, although we enjoyed the company of the adults, it wasn't fair to ds to hang out w/ these families. He couldn't play w/ anything for long before somebody would take it away, tell him he couldn't play w/ it, & discard it in the floor. He'd just stand sadly, looking at the various things that had been put "off-limits."

 

I've wondered how their "rule" would work out once their youngers were old enough that the olders couldn't say "Mine."

 

While I understand the idea of putting treasured toys away (& I agree), I think visiting children should be treated w/ some dignity. If they have to surrender whatever they're playing w/ *just* because it belongs to home child, how can they know what *is* okay?

 

Otoh, I know that some dc can be snarky about "sharing." We've had plenty of guests who tell our dc, "You have to ____________ because I'm the guest!" Give me the best toy, let me go first, whatever. In these cases, I like the timer, too, & I try to keep a close ear on things while giving ds enough freedom to try to deal w/ it himself.

[beansprouts]

While I understand the idea of putting treasured toys away (& I agree), I think visiting children should be treated w/ some dignity. If they have to surrender whatever they're playing w/ *just* because it belongs to home child, how can they know what *is* okay?

 

 

I understand what you are saying. I would consider the behavior you mentioned to be hostile, and would address that with my children. I just strongly object to the idea that a child's toys must be neighborhood property, or that my ds or the ds of the op can't play with *his* toy while the other children play with perfectly adequate toys which have been provided for them (toys which they neither purchased or brought from their homes, and which they should be grateful to have) It wasn't like the op's ds was the only one with a gun and was waving it aroud and refusing to share.

 

I think there needs to be some balance between the children's rights and the rights of their guests.

 

And FTR my kids do share most things quite well. They do so willingly, because they want to, and not because it has been forced on them. I think cultivating a sharing attitude is far more valuable that forcing a child into the behavior of sharing while inside he resents the entire experience, kwim?

[Kuovonne]

I think the difference is that you wouldn't let your adult guests use something, and then while they were using it, ask for it back. Like for example, if someone was staying over and ask to use my computer, and then I needed it, I would just use another computer, not ask them to change computers.

 

I would (and have) asked for the computer back. When I last visited my in-laws (in another state), there was only one computer and four adults plus misc. children who wanted to used the computer at various times. Sometimes we just wanted to "play" other times we had actual work to do on the computer. We all asked politely - ask for the computer when the other person was done, and then wait. If we needed the computer right away, state why, and the computer was always relinquished in a reasonable time.

 

I think that the main difference with children is that they haven't built up the skills to consistantly ask nicely, wait patiently, and relinquish freely.

 

I notice that my kids get along better (with each other and other friends) when I coach them to say "can I have that when you're done with it?" instead of grabbing, and "I'm using it now, but you can have it when I'm done with it." instead of "no, you can't have it."

 

As far as sharing toys with visiting friends - I insist that my kids and visiting friends all share all available toys. If one of my kids doesn't want to share a toy, it gets put out of reach of all. If a visiting friend doesn't want to share a toy that she brought from home, it also must be put out of reach. If a visiting friend happens to get my daughter's favorite toy first, oh well, too bad, you can ask for it but the friend doesn't have to give it up. If it is a non-standard toy with a clear owner (e.g. shoes) the child must ask permission of the owner.

 

The one thing that I don't allow is grabbing toys from other kid's hands, or repeated, whiny, insistant requests.

[my2kidsmom]

I think there needs to be some balance between the children's rights and the rights of their guests.

 

Exactly! Also, ds, in this case, really had done a good job of offering other options to the other kid and giving a couple of reason why the other toy was pretty cool. I thought that was a pretty advanced skill for a 5 year old.