Can we discuss a sensitive issue: Elizabeth Edwards preparing her children

[Carpe Diem]

Hello, I don't know if this has been discussed already. The Elizabeth Edwards story had me very upset given what I am going through right now. I was most interested in the statement that she had prepared her children. HOW do you think she did that? Furthermore, if you were facing your own mortality, how would you prepare your children? I'm not planning on passing away any time soon but I just want to know how I can be prepared to prepare my children if I were to need to do so. YKWIM?

 

I apologize if this is an upsetting topic.

[AuntieM]

Wow, Carpe, I can understand how this would be something to catch your attention under the circumstances.

 

I think I would prepare my kids in a number of ways. I would, as Elizabeth did, write them letters. I would get all my scrapbooks caught up and be sure there are actually a few mom pictures in there (I am typically the one on the other side of the camera). I would make sure their keepsake boxes were ready to go, with little items like baby clothes and special memorabilia included.

 

But most of all, I would try to spend LOTS of time with them. The thing I would fear the most would be their becoming bitter with God for taking their mom away early. I would want to have conversations and prayer time with them with the goal of alleviating that, to the extent it may be possible.

 

This is just my quick reply, and the things that come to mind first.

[Nakia]

Oh, Christine, I just don't know. I don't think it's something we can know for sure or plan until it comes down to it, and then we just have to pray God gives us the grace to handle it. And He will if it ever comes to that.

 

I worked in Women's Oncology for almost 8 years. I don't think children are ever truly prepared for their mother's death. But I think the best any of us can do is live a life that glorifies God and shows our children we love them. Give them memories, spend time with them, be honest and open about what is happening, and teach them to lean on the Lord. That's the best way to prepare them to go on when it comes time for us to die.

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

I would talk to my son about who he could always trust to talk to (e.g. my sister), where they were going to live (and with whom), about my own thoughts towards death, about how my body might change in illness, about what to say when people tell you how sorry they are, etc.

 

I'm on the pragmatic side, obviously. I'd also tell him he could ask me any questions at all.

 

If I knew I was dying, I'd ask that someone ask that people write down their memories of me and send them, sealed, to my brother. I'd tell them not to send condolences, but a story I told, or joke, or something I did, a habit I had, for my son to read when he was a young man.

[DarcyB]

 

If I knew I was dying, I'd ask that someone ask that people write down their memories of me and send them, sealed, to my brother. I'd tell them not to send condolences, but a story I told, or joke, or something I did, a habit I had, for my son to read when he was a young man.

 

What a wonderful idea.

[fairytalemama]

A close friend of a friend died of a brain tumor a couple of years ago. She knew she was terminal and had about 3 months to live. She spent that time doing a lot of fun things with her husband and two young children, and her free time scrapbooking (she couldn't walk anymore because of how the tumor effected her and was unable to read, but could still write) and writing them letters. At the time, I thought a lot about what I would do if in the same position. I think what she did helped her family and gave her a lot of peace as well.

[Pata]

I'll share what my mother did, she died after an 8 year battle with breast cancer a little over 10 years ago. I was 23 at the time and my brother was 22, so it's a bit different.

 

I remember when she was first diagnosed, she was totally honest and I asked her if she was going to die. She said, "Not soon, but yes, one day I will die and it will probably be from cancer." I can still remember exact details of where we were at the time, for me this was incredibly important to know.

 

When the end did come near, she asked us if there was something we would want from her when she was gone. I asked her to write down some of her memories of me as a child, since I didn't have any children yet and she wouldn't be around for me to ask. She recorded about 20 min of memories, it's obvious by her voice that she was weak and sick, but it is one of the best things she could have done for me, it's still hard for me to listen to though. She also wrote letters to everyone telling them how important they were to her that arrived several days after she died.

 

The most practical thing she did was to write out what she wanted at her funeral. It made it so much easier for us since we were all shell shocked, all we had to do was pull out her list. Hope something up there helps, it such a hard subject to think about :grouphug:.

[NanceXToo]

I would talk to my son about who he could always trust to talk to (e.g. my sister), where they were going to live (and with whom), about my own thoughts towards death, about how my body might change in illness, about what to say when people tell you how sorry they are, etc.

 

I'm on the pragmatic side, obviously. I'd also tell him he could ask me any questions at all.

 

If I knew I was dying, I'd ask that someone ask that people write down their memories of me and send them, sealed, to my brother. I'd tell them not to send condolences, but a story I told, or joke, or something I did, a habit I had, for my son to read when he was a young man.

 

I love that idea. I agree with all of it.

 

I think I would also write a series of letters to my children, maybe one that could be given to them each year on their birthday, that would address things that I thought might be relevant to them at each given age and maybe give some motherly guidance and let them know how much I loved them and encouraging them to follow their dreams and to be happy and so on.

 

I would also write down whatever memories I had of THEM (my kids), cute and funny things they said and did, memories we shared and so on, for them to look back on.

 

I would take a lot of pictures of myself, by myself and especially with them, even though I hate the way I look in pictures, because pictures will be all they have.

 

I guess I would talk to them at a level they can understand and be honest with them so it wouldn't come as a shock to them when it did happen, answer their questions, let them know how loved they are- but that I want them to be happy, to live happy lives, even after I am gone, etc.

 

I would ask them what things they really want to be able to do with me- and they'd I'd do as many of those things as I could with them while I was still able and while we still had the time.

 

I would make sure my husband and I had discussed AND MADE LEGAL who would care for the kids if something were to unexpectedly happen to HIM.

[brehon]

<snip>

I would make sure my husband and I had discussed AND MADE LEGAL who would care for the kids if something were to unexpectedly happen to HIM.

 

Dh and I did this when we drew up our wills. Along with who would be the kids' guardian (and back-ups!) we also clearly wrote who we DIDN'T want the kids to live with and our reasons for that decision.

[texasmama]

Wonderful ideas here.

 

If I knew that I had a terminal condition (we all do, of course, but some of us are aware of leaving the earth sooner rather than later), I would utilize the services of hospice, including counselors.

[Mama Geek]

I know that Glenn Beck is not a popular person on this board, but he interviewed the Bruce Feiler who wrote The Council of Dads: My Daughters, My Illness, and the Men Who Could Be Me. I haven't read the book, but the idea of it is pretty good IMO.

[Carpe Diem]

I know this isn't something we want to think about. Thank you for your replies they have given me some ideas.

 

:grouphug: