Is there a clean way to break off a friendship between neighbor kids?

[GoVanGogh]

We have been neighbors with this family for over a decade. Their boy is just six months younger than mine. When the boys were younger, they played well together and I didn't mind having him over here occasionally to play. But for the past year, I have felt taken advantage of (more like babysitting than arranged play dates) and the boys do not play well together. (Boys are ~9-years-old.)

The past three-four times they have been together over here, they have not been able to agree on anything to play and just bicker with each other.

The neighbor boy only wants to play video games, then complains that we don't have a big screen television. He has complained that he can't watch movies over here because we don't have Blu-Ray. Or he wants to put together new Lego sets, but doesn't want to actually play with Legos.

According to the mom, the boy doesn't have any friends in the neighborhood or in school. Honestly, I can see why. His behavior has become very obnoxious the past few years, which is why my son doesn't enjoy playing with him.

I think the family is using us as an easy friendship and I am enabling them by letting him come over here to play when they could/should be out trying to find new friends.

I have tried to avoid them as much as possible, but I feel like they are stalking me. :tongue_smilie:

I really think the friendship is just dying out, but they don't see it because my son is never at their house. When we have been together in a group setting, they will make a comment about the boys not playing together - but they don't see the pattern.

I have turned down so many play dates and invites, but they don't get the clue.

It feels rude to simply say, "You know, I just don't want you over anymore."

Even to say, "I think the friendship has run its course," seems judgmental.

They are our neighbors and I don't want to make them mad, but I can't go on avoiding them, either.

WWYD?

[JFSinIL]

You need to mention to the parents next time that your son and their's just don't seem to get along anymore - "Kids do grow apart, don't they?" and leave it at that.

[Catwoman]

I see no reason why you can't politely tell the mom that the boys don't seem to be getting along as well as they used to, and perhaps they need a little break from each other.

 

If the mom tends to be pushy, leave out the "perhaps" and substitute, "I've decided."

 

Cat

Edited December 11, 2010 by Catwoman
My post didn't make much sense! It's one of those days!

[NanceXToo]

Well, just a few thoughts:

 

If your son doesn't want to play with this boy, your son is old enough to say "I don't feel like playing right now" when the boy comes looking for him. Leave it up to your son. Maybe sometimes he'll decide he's bored and he DOES want to play with that boy. Maybe other times he'll tell him "I don't feel like playing." Maybe down the road they'll drift apart from each other naturally. Maybe they'll become better friends. I'm not sure you HAVE to take some drastic step of running interference and "breaking up with" the other family in some official manner on your son's behalf.

 

When the kids DO play, it doesn't sound like it's just one of them- if they're both bickering or not agreeing on ways to play- let them work it out. Or let your son say he doesn't feel like playing anymore.

 

Or, it's also okay if it's getting on YOUR nerves to step in and gently say "Listen boys, no more arguing, or this play date is going to have to end for the day." or "Okay, move it along outside to play, I don't want to hear any more arguing." Or "It's not going to be a video game day, you guys need to go play outside or do something else today."

 

If the boy complains in front of you about the lack of blu-ray or big screens, you can tell him gently but matter of factly, "look honey, this is how it is over here. We don't have those things and we don't plan to get those things. You can always go play with something else instead if that bothers you, but I don't want to hear any more negativity/complaining, okay?"

 

Maybe you can gently help the other boy BECOME a better friend/guest and help him TO have more friends.

[Margo out of lurking]

WWYD?

 

Honestly and kindly tell the mom, "It may be best for the boys to be apart for awhile. They just don't get along like they used to, and perhaps some time and space will help."

 

I would make every attempt to avoid getting drawn into specifics or a longer explanation. "I don't know." "They just don't seem to enjoy each other."

 

And then continue to kindly put off any playdates. "Oh, we're so busy." "Things have been really hectic." "I just need some time to catch my breath!" Do not respond with comments like, "Maybe next week!" or "Let me check my schedule."

 

I've been there. In fact, just this minute, my ds got a Christmas card(?) from the friend. But they don't live next door, so avoidance is a little easier. We've put them off for a year and a half, but I don't think they have many other friends either.

[GoVanGogh]

If your son doesn't want to play with this boy, your son is old enough to say "I don't feel like playing right now" when the boy comes looking for him.

...

Or, it's also okay if it's getting on YOUR nerves to step in and gently say "Listen boys, no more arguing, or this play date is going to have to end for the day."

That is actually part of the problem. The mom wants the play times to be pre-arranged and then she isn't home so I can't just send her son on his way. That is why, to me, it feels more like babysitting!

 

Thank you so much for the input.

[katilac]

That is actually part of the problem. The mom wants the play times to be pre-arranged and then she isn't home so I can't just send her son on his way. That is why, to me, it feels more like babysitting!

 

Thank you so much for the input.

 

"I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me. We can't commit to being home for a playdate."

 

Nine years old is way too old, imo, for pre-arranged playdates with neighborhoods kids. Walk over and ask if they can play!

[NanceXToo]

That is actually part of the problem. The mom wants the play times to be pre-arranged and then she isn't home so I can't just send her son on his way. That is why, to me, it feels more like babysitting!

 

Thank you so much for the input.

 

Ah. Yeah I agree that 9 is too old for pre-arranged playdates with neighborhood kids! Next time she tries to arrange one, I'd just tell her "ds would prefer I not arrange playdates for him anymore. (your son) is welcome to call or drop by to see if (my son) would like to play and vice versa, but he feels he's getting too old for me to arrange playdates for him anymore, and I have to agree."

 

There's definitely no need for you to allow yourself to be used as that kid's babysitter!

 

Then proceed as mentioned above when the kid stops by, leaving it up to your son as to whether he feels like playing at that time.

[Unicorn.]

That is actually part of the problem. The mom wants the play times to be pre-arranged and then she isn't home so I can't just send her son on his way. That is why, to me, it feels more like babysitting!

 

Thank you so much for the input.

 

Yep, you are babysitting! I had someone do this to me in our old neighborhood. Funny how when my girls wanted to play w/ her daughter, they weren't home....even though the car was in the drive. Just start saying no.

[holdoll]

If your son doesn't want to play with this boy, your son is old enough to say "I don't feel like playing right now" when the boy comes looking for him. Leave it up to your son. Maybe sometimes he'll decide he's bored and he DOES want to play with that boy. Maybe other times he'll tell him "I don't feel like playing." Maybe down the road they'll drift apart from each other naturally. Maybe they'll become better friends. I'm not sure you HAVE to take some drastic step of running interference and "breaking up with" the other family in some official manner on your son's behalf.

 

:iagree:

Somewhere along the line I thought I had to be the one to arrange play dates, friends, etc. for my kids. Then one day I was thinking to myself that my mom never.ever.got.involved. It was so much better I think, because I had to learn to deal with personal relationships. I made friends and drifted away from some, but all in all, it was just part of growing up.

 

I finally gave up my roll as Activity Director 3 years ago. When the girls have problems with their friends, I give them counsel, but they settle it. Sometimes it is really, really hard to bite my tongue though! :tongue_smilie:

[elegantlion]

Yep, you are babysitting! I had someone do this to me in our old neighborhood. Funny how when my girls wanted to play w/ her daughter, they weren't home....even though the car was in the drive. Just start saying no.

 

:iagree: Part of it also sounds like 9 year old boys, who are not always known for being tactful. Sounds like the neighbor boy is developing opinions and perhaps needs some coaching on how to reign in his commentary when necessary.

 

I agree though, it sounds like you're being used as a babysitter.

[In the Rain]

Ah. Yeah I agree that 9 is too old for pre-arranged playdates with neighborhood kids! Next time she tries to arrange one, I'd just tell her "ds would prefer I not arrange playdates for him anymore. (your son) is welcome to call or drop by to see if (my son) would like to play and vice versa, but he feels he's getting too old for me to arrange playdates for him anymore, and I have to agree."

.

 

This sounds very tactful. :001_smile: I also think it is fine to say that the boys have "grown apart" or developed different interests. It really does sound like she is taking advantage of you. :glare: