What would you do in this case??

[mommy25]

If your daughter was on a competitive homeschool basketball team with a Christian coach, and this coach yelled at your daughter during practice and said these words -- "What are you doing? You are worthless to this team and you don't deserve to play on the team unless you get it right" -- what would you do?

 

I actually have 2 girls on this team, 14 and 12. He said this to the 14 yo. The 12 yo shows more potential than the 14 yo. But after this, I don't want either one on the team. The oldest one could care less either way whether she plays anymore. The 12 yo, on the other hand, loves the game.

 

But he has spoken harshly to the 12 yo, too, at times and to others on the team.

 

So as a parent, what would you do? I feel the need to remove them from this influence. And also to protect the relationship between the two girls.

 

I have pretty much decided to remove them. My husband is going along with it but he is deeply disappointed because the younger one enjoys it and could do well with it.

 

But I just don't think I can trust this guy with my daughters, especially with them still growing and developing, emotionally and spiritually.

 

There are other factors, too, like finances, time constraints and loss of interest in their school work. I guess that helps me in my decision too.

 

Help moms! I need to hear from you! :sad:

[Catwoman]

What did you say to the coach when he did it? Have you spoken directly with him to voice your extreme displeasure with his behavior? Is he doing the same thing to other players? If so, how do the parents react?

 

He is hardly setting a Christian example (or a human one, either, for that matter,) and if anyone should be exiting the team, it sounds like it should be him, and not your dds.

 

Cat

[mo2]

If your daughter was on a competitive homeschool basketball team with a Christian coach, and this coach yelled at your daughter during practice and said these words -- "What are you doing? You are worthless to this team and you don't deserve to play on the team unless you get it right" -- what would you do?

 

I actually have 2 girls on this team, 14 and 12. He said this to the 14 yo. The 12 yo shows more potential than the 14 yo. But after this, I don't want either one on the team. The oldest one could care less either way whether she plays anymore. The 12 yo, on the other hand, loves the game.

 

But he has spoken harshly to the 12 yo, too, at times and to others on the team.

 

 

So as a parent, what would you do? I feel the need to remove them from this influence. And also to protect the relationship between the two girls.

 

I have pretty much decided to remove them. My husband is going along with it but he is deeply disappointed because the younger one enjoys it and could do well with it.

 

But I just don't think I can trust this guy with my daughters, especially with them still growing and developing, emotionally and spiritually.

 

There are other factors, too, like finances, time constraints and loss of interest in their school work. I guess that helps me in my decision too.

 

Help moms! I need to hear from you! :sad:

 

 

Like you, I would want to remove them. But what do your daughters think? At that age, I might consider their input as well.

[mommy25]

What did you say to the coach when he did it? Have you spoken directly with him to voice your extreme displeasure with his behavior? Is he doing the same thing to other players? If so, how do the parents react?

 

He is hardly setting a Christian example (or a human one, either, for that matter,) and if anyone should be exiting the team, it sounds like it should be him, and not your dds.

 

Cat

 

I didn't find out about it until a few days ago. My girls told my husband about it and chose not to tell me because he knew I would be upset. I haven't had a good feeling about him since the beginning. He is just not a warm and friendly person. And evidently there are a few other parents who are concerned as well.

[gingersmom]

It doesn't matter what his religious beliefs are to me.

 

He sounds like a bully and a should not be coaching a team with teenagers.

 

There is not a chance I would let my daughter or son participate with a coach like that.

[Catwoman]

I would definitely have a talk with him before or after the next game or practice -- or let your dh do it if he knows the man better than you do.

 

Confrontation isn't always fun, but in this case, it seems necessary. If other parents are concerned, too, perhaps you should speak with them so you can all present a united front.

 

Personally, I would be livid, and would not hesitate to let this guy know that he simply could not speak to my child in that manner. Period. If you don't say anything, you're essentially giving this guy a tacit approval, and he will never change his approach toward the kids. He may not be a bad person; he may just be overzealous and not realize that he is being inappropriate and hurtful. (He might also be a complete idiot, but you won't know until you call him out for his actions.)

 

Cat

[Jean in Newcastle]

The operative words here are "worthless" and "don't deserve to play". This guy seems to have illusions of having an NBA team here. Who runs this homeschool basket ball team? Is it a co-op? You should talk to the leaders and the coach. Is it the Y or some other organization? Go through the chain of command to address this.

[mommy25]

I would definitely have a talk with him before or after the next game or practice -- or let your dh do it if he knows the man better than you do.

 

Confrontation isn't always fun, but in this case, it seems necessary. If other parents are concerned, too, perhaps you should speak with them so you can all present a united front.

 

Personally, I would be livid, and would not hesitate to let this guy know that he simply could not speak to my child in that manner. Period. If you don't say anything, you're essentially giving this guy a tacit approval, and he will never change his approach toward the kids. He may not be a bad person; he may just be overzealous and not realize that he is being inappropriate and hurtful. (He might also be a complete idiot, but you won't know until you call him out for his actions.)

 

Cat

 

Thanks, Cat. Oh I do plan on letting him know that I don't approve of this. At the same time, I planned to tell him the girls wouldn't be back. I guess I just don't trust him. Thanks for your input.

[Harriet Vane]

I didn't find out about it until a few days ago. My girls told my husband about it and chose not to tell me because he knew I would be upset. I haven't had a good feeling about him since the beginning. He is just not a warm and friendly person. And evidently there are a few other parents who are concerned as well.

 

Complain to the administration.

[Catwoman]

This guy seems to have illusions of having an NBA team here.

 

That is so true, Jean!

 

The guy needs to lighten up and remember that the kids are supposed to be having fun. Winning really isn't everything.

 

Cat

[mommy25]

The operative words here are "worthless" and "don't deserve to play". This guy seems to have illusions of having an NBA team here. Who runs this homeschool basket ball team? Is it a co-op? You should talk to the leaders and the coach. Is it the Y or some other organization? Go through the chain of command to address this.

 

There is no organization. The team was formed many years ago. He has been coaching it for a couple of years now. So there is no one over the coach. He used to be an assistant coach to the Purdue girls basketball team. So he is very competitive.

[Jean in Newcastle]

There is no organization. The team was formed many years ago. He has been coaching it for a couple of years now. So there is no one over the coach. He used to be an assistant coach to the Purdue girls basketball team. So he is very competitive.

 

In that case I would look for another team. Is there a Y girl's basketball team that one or both girls could join?

[mommy25]

In that case I would look for another team. Is there a Y girl's basketball team that one or both girls could join?

 

To be honest, I am not sure; I will have to check. This is the only team I know of around here. Thanks for your advice and input. :)

[Old Dominion Heather]

I'll be the odd (wo)man out and say I wouldn't pull them from the team. Since you were not there when he said it, I would ask the coach one on one about the context of his words and let him know that your daughters found the comment discouraging.

 

I do recognize that the "you are worthless to this team unless you get it right" comment would be completely over the line for some parents/kids. If it pushed your kid to the point that she wants to stop, then I would let her make that decision.

 

However, she is 14 and *I* think that 14 is old enough to gain some benefit in dealing with an unpleasant coach or a coach that pushes VERY hard. This would not be something that she has to deal with forever, but being able to take someone in your face and learn to deal with that CAN be a good thing if she decides to stay.

 

I would let the 14yo make the decision. I would not ask the 12yo to quit. I would hope that both would choose to stick it out, and I would address the comments as not acceptable to you. But in your face sports coaching is always going to be there... if your girls plan to continue to play, they will probably encounter that type of coaching more and more.

[NanceXToo]

What an idiot. I'd talk to someone over his head about what he said. Using words like "worthless" can be pretty devastating to a kid's self-esteem and he has NO business saying something like that to any kid. That goes beyond just being a 'tough' coach and into being a real a** if you ask me. I'd tell whoever was a step over him that he should be told not to say things like that to the kids, that it is just not acceptable.

 

Then I'd tell my kids that I thought he acted like a real jerk saying that, and that he was totally wrong for doing so, and that they should not take what he said to heart, and I'd let them know that I planned to talk to whatever person or commission or whatever is over his head to let them know that.

 

And with all that said, in the meanwhile, I would let THEM decide, at that age, if they still want to play with/for this man, who obviously doesn't have much respect for them as human beings if he's callous enough to talk to them that way. But if they feel like they can tolerate it and still want to be on that team, I'd allow them to decide that.

[mom4him]

I would pull them no questions asked.:001_huh:

[mommy25]

Thank you all for your comments. :)

 

Unfortunately, there are other factors that play into me removing them from the team -- financial concerns, busyness and the girls' loss of motivation and interest in their school work. Having 5 children, too, makes things more complicated, plus they just finished a season of volleyball. So when I put all of this together, it makes me lean more toward giving it up whether they want to play or not. I think for now, what benefits the family out weighs what may benefit the one.

 

And I forgot to mention that my 14 yo is struggling with depression and anxiety. She only stayed on the team because she wanted to try and make it work. Seeing her sister enjoy it made her want to stay, too. Now my 12yo, on the other hand, is crushed at the thought of not playing. Sigh.

[RanchGirl]

I'll be the odd (wo)man out and say I wouldn't pull them from the team. Since you were not there when he said it, I would ask the coach one on one about the context of his words and let him know that your daughters found the comment discouraging.

 

I do recognize that the "you are worthless to this team unless you get it right" comment would be completely over the line for some parents/kids. If it pushed your kid to the point that she wants to stop, then I would let her make that decision.

 

However, she is 14 and *I* think that 14 is old enough to gain some benefit in dealing with an unpleasant coach or a coach that pushes VERY hard. This would not be something that she has to deal with forever, but being able to take someone in your face and learn to deal with that CAN be a good thing if she decides to stay.

 

I would let the 14yo make the decision. I would not ask the 12yo to quit. I would hope that both would choose to stick it out, and I would address the comments as not acceptable to you. But in your face sports coaching is always going to be there... if your girls plan to continue to play, they will probably encounter that type of coaching more and more.

 

:iagree: I would want to know the exact words and the situation. I don't care for the term worthless AT ALL and I can see why it is affecting you so strongly. If it was worded differently and in the context of your daughter not trying her best, then that would be ok with me. So I would ask. I wouldn't pull them over this one incident... I've seen coaches lose their cool and totally regret it later. Talk to him and find out what's going on. OD Heather's wording of saying it was discouraging to your daughter is a good way of letting him know that your concern without attacking him.

 

Even if he is a very tough coach, if 12 yo wants to stay I would let her and keep a closer eye on things, attend practices, etc. I would only pull them if it is affecting them negatively or if he is flat out verbally abusive on a regular basis.

 

I wouldn't MAKE either girl stay though, and if it's not a good fit for your 14 yo, she may need to find a different activity where she can develop some confidence... just guessing; I don't have a 14 yo girl so I'm in no position to give much advice as far as emotional issues! :)

 

Also, you might want to have your dh talk to the coach, maybe a man to man thing would work better and it sounds like he is aware of the situation but not ready to pull the plug over it.