Do you try to avoid confict at all costs?

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

This issue has come up again and again with one person in my life. This person will mention something that was read in an article somewhere and my automatic response is to examine the statement from all sides and give any other possible interpretations that I have heard. This gets me the accusation of "trying to be right all the time." At that point the conversation breaks down quickly.

 

I don't feel like I am right all the time, or even trying to be, far from it. I feel like I am contributing to the conversation, but that is not how it is percieved. This only happens with one person and it is not dh, but it is someone close to me.

 

I'm wondering if I should just smile and nod no matter what this person says, in order to keep the peace. It is so much against my nature to do that though. Live and let live? Even if you are itching to say something?

[klmama]

If this person really doesn't want to hear other sides of the story, is it worth sharing them? Really worth it? Not everyone wants to hear all sides when they share things, they just want to get in their talking quota for the day, KWIM?

 

I'd consider discussing your frustration with the person at a non-conflict time, but if it doesn't go well, I'd just let it go and smile and nod. Some people take any kind of disagreement as a personal affront and think others are trying to get the better of them or trying to show off their superior intelligence or education. It may be worth salvaging the relationship at the expense of biting your tongue, but that's up to you do decide.

[JFSinIL]

I used to image folks who were yelling or disagreeing with me (etc.) as trapped, naked, in a glass box, where they could spout off all they pleased but no one could hear them.

 

Providing you do not have my (warped) imagination skills, ;), I'd lean towards smiling, nodding, and not giving any verbal response. Get busy doing something else. lack of an audience may hush them up...or send them looking for an audience that will respond.

[Claire]

If it's someone close to me, as you describe, I would just listen and not speak up. Some people are into patterns. When I recognize a negative pattern, I try to change my part in it so that the negative pattern stops cropping up. In your situation I wouldn't necessarily nod in agreement, but I would work on listening carefully and, perhaps, changing the subject at opportune times.

[orangeblossom]

I would decide if the subject is worth the conflict and go from there. Some people take things personally, when someone has a different point of view, even if it's really got nothing to do with them.

[Jackie in AR]

This issue has come up again and again with one person in my life. This person will mention something that was read in an article somewhere and my automatic response is to examine the statement from all sides and give any other possible interpretations that I have heard. This gets me the accusation of "trying to be right all the time." At that point the conversation breaks down quickly.

 

Let me ask you something. If this issue has come up "again and again" with this person and you know that it will appear once more as soon as you begin talking, why do you feel the need to continue responding in the same way? Is this someone with whom a relationship is not important? Only you know the answer to that.

 

 

I don't feel like I am right all the time, or even trying to be, far from it. I feel like I am contributing to the conversation, but that is not how it is percieved. This only happens with one person and it is not dh, but it is someone close to me.

 

I'm wondering if I should just smile and nod no matter what this person says, in order to keep the peace. It is so much against my nature to do that though. Live and let live? Even if you are itching to say something?

 

I think that there are times we all should remain silent, "even if (we) are itching to say something". Isn't that a sign of maturity and self-control?

 

I heard someone say something the other day that I thought was a good lesson for all of us.

 

"It is better to be kind than to be right."

[Barb_]

You have different styles of communication. Some people have their minds made up before they speak and others need to speak in order to make up their minds. Try explaining this to her..that you need to talk things out in order to clarify what is in your own mind...you aren't discussing opposing viewpoints just to be difficult.

 

There's a happy medium between challenging every statement (in her perception) and zipping your lip 100% of the time. Knowing that this person takes opposing viewpoints personally, I would save my disagreement for when it really counts. To quote a cliche, choose your battles. You may not see each of these incidents as a battle, but your friend/relative seems to. If you show sensitivity to her style, even going out of your way to agree with her when possible, she may be more accepting of your differing viewpoints when it is most important to you.

 

Barb

[WTMCassandra]

If this is the only person where this crops up consistently, then I suspect the problem is not you. However, the only person you can change is you. That's the bad news.

 

It's hard to change automatic responses, but what if when the person shared something he/she read, you instead gave a "pass the bean dip" response, like "Hmmm, that's interesting. How's the weather up by you?"

 

Perhaps if you don't engage, weigh in with other possible interpretations, etc., the conversation will either drop or take a different direction. I wonder if this person is trying to engage you and "pick a fight" to make the same ongoing accusation. In these kinds of cases, I have learned that people often project their OWN motive, good or bad. So I wonder if THIS person is the one who thinks he/she must be right . . .

 

However, if you pass the bean dip, and don't respond, perhaps the outcome will be different.

[nmoira]

 

This issue has come up again and again with one person in my life. This person will mention something that was read in an article somewhere and my automatic response is to examine the statement from all sides and give any other possible interpretations that I have heard. This gets me the accusation of "trying to be right all the time." At that point the conversation breaks down quickly.

That's sooooo me. I'm an INTP and can't help it. It's not about being right, but few people seem to understand it. DH will even get exasperated sometimes, and he actually understands me. It does help to practice just listening, but it's hard, no? :)

[Tap]

But, I am not likely to instigate an argument. This is how I handle a similar family member (my mom).

 

 

A: "I have read that plastic drinking cups have potentially dangerous chemicals in them. It is all an overreaction and the media is playing up the connection because the current fad is to be "green". "

 

ME: "Are you just giving me your opinion or is this a topic you would like to discuss different points of view on? I have read some things about it also."

 

A: "Why discuss it, I know plastic is fine...I use plastic, my kids use plastic, the whole world uses plastic and we are not all dieing from it."

 

....ME: "So, how do you like your new TV?"

 

 

Get yourself out of the conversation...quickly. If they continue to bring it up, instead of giving your point of view, start asking them questions.

 

 

A: I can't believe people spend $20 on a metal cup and think it is better. There are chemicals used in making the cup too!

 

ME: Interesting point, what type of chemicals?

 

A: Aren't they saying all chemicals are bad?

 

ME: Do the chemicals stay in the metal, or do they degrade over time, are they only used in manufacturing or are they a special coating?

 

A: I don't know! How would I know all that.

 

ME: Oh, sorry I thought since you had a strong opinion that you had read several articles about it.

 

A: Well they were talking about it on TV and I saw a story in XYZ magazine.

 

ME: Really, it is nice to see that they are discussing things other that celebrities.

 

A: did you hear about.....

 

 

 

 

Every time they return to the subject, do not give your opinion. Just ask them questions about their own. For one thing you may learn something. And for the other...if they know that you are going to press them for details about a sensitive topic, then they are less likely to feel overly confident in their own opinion.

[my2kidsmom]

It doesn't sound like it's YOU at all. You might want to look at how you are responding if you get this reaction from alot of people.

 

My sister likes to debate and "argue" over pretty much anything. I've always been a "rock the boat" kind of person so I'm not one to back away from conflict.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

Let me ask you something. If this issue has come up "again and again" with this person and you know that it will appear once more as soon as you begin talking, why do you feel the need to continue responding in the same way? Is this someone with whom a relationship is not important? Only you know the answer to that.

 

I think that there are times we all should remain silent, "even if (we) are itching to say something". Isn't that a sign of maturity and self-control?

 

I heard someone say something the other day that I thought was a good lesson for all of us.

 

"It is better to be kind than to be right."

 

I know it sounds lame but I almost always forget that this can happen when I talk to this person. I usually respond in the same way to most people I know well, and there is never a problem. I really am not trying to "be right" just to throw back the conversational ball so to speak.

 

My relationship with this person is very important, I guess I will just have to tread more carefully.

[Myrtle]

my automatic response is to examine the statement from all sides and give any other possible interpretations that I have heard. This gets me the accusation of "trying to be right all the time." ?

 

 

My response to the person would be, "Don't you care about being right?"

 

Maybe they don't. Maybe they are bringing up the topic as an excuse to socialize, something like small talk, but they don't really care about being right about the issue.

 

Sometimes people blather on about some political or social issue to apply a subtle form of social dominance (you have no choice but nod your head and agree or it will create a scene)

[JennifersLost]

Virginia Dawn, you sound just like me on this. I have to remind myself that certain people are threatened by "discussion". I personally like trying out all the possibilities and thinking about everything, but other people can find that really annoying, LOL.

 

Sometimes I walk around telling myself, "Shut up, Jennifer. Just shut up. Smile. Nod. Shut up." It works for a little while.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

Virginia Dawn, you sound just like me on this. I have to remind myself that certain people are threatened by "discussion". I personally like trying out all the possibilities and thinking about everything, but other people can find that really annoying, LOL.

 

Sometimes I walk around telling myself, "Shut up, Jennifer. Just shut up. Smile. Nod. Shut up." It works for a little while.

 

Note to self: "Shut up."

 

At least until I lose the note. Sigh.

[Jackie in AR]

I know it sounds lame but I almost always forget that this can happen when I talk to this person. I usually respond in the same way to most people I know well, and there is never a problem. I really am not trying to "be right" just to throw back the conversational ball so to speak.

 

My relationship with this person is very important, I guess I will just have to tread more carefully.

 

I don't want you to think you're the only one who has trouble keeping quiet.

Why do you think I responded so quickly to your thread? ;) I've thought a lot about this topic since this is something I have to constantly work on.

 

Sometimes I feel like my tongue is raw because I have to bite it so much. :D

[WTMCassandra]

I know it sounds lame but I almost always forget that this can happen when I talk to this person.

 

Actually, it doesn't sound lame at all. I can really relate to this part. But it's good training in discernment to learn not to "go there" with certain people. I have had to learn this the hard way. Repeatedly. Ad nauseum.

:grouphug:

[Colleen]

No.:D

 

Having said that, I am well aware that the ueber-conservative circle of folks in my life are on a totally different planet than I am in many respects. And on the flip side, the same is true of the ueber-liberal folks. And for the most part, never the two shall meet. So quite often (despite evidence to the contrary on this board;)) I simply go about my business and don't even bother offering two cents on potentially-offensive topics. 'course, that poses the question, "What can potentially offend others?" With some people, every little thing can be a hot button topic. Talking to those people on a regular basis, to me, is akin to continually eating vanilla ice cream. I mean, for pete's sake, there's only so much I want to yammer about the weather, kwim?;)

 

Did you ever see the movie "Broadcast News"? It's rife with classic lines, one of which is the following exchange:

 

"It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you're the smartest person in the room."

 

"No. It's awful."

 

(Not that you always believe you know better...this thread just brought that movie to mind ~ which in turn made me laugh.:lol:)