The 15 year itch???

[Heather in Neverland]

I heard on the radio last night that Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife are divorcing after 17 years and it made me think of this thread.

 

UGH...another one bites the dust. :(

[Sahamamama]

You do get that, "wow, this is it, this is my life" feeling about this far into marriage and kiddos. I can see how that would make some people run screaming for a change.

 

Or maybe it comes sooner into the marriage for those who marry later? My husband is 40, I'm 43, and our children are still young -- nearly 4 (twins) and nearly 6. We met through e-Harmony :D when I was 36, married when I was 37, had the first right after I was 38, and had the twins just before I turned 40! We've only been married just over 6 years, but we have felt that "this is my life" desparation lately. :001_huh:

 

We are not young, but we are poor. We don't see any way out of it, either. Even hard work doesn't seem to get us any farther "up," if you KWIM. It is always a struggle. Our house is so small (800 sq. ft. living space), and old, and falling apart. No money to fix anything. No money for any dates, vacations, new clothes, upgrades to anything. Not really even enough for food and other basics. Absolutely no money for Christmas this year. :crying:

 

I think we are going to have to work on our perspective. How bad is it, really, to live the way we do? It's a readjustment of our idea of what our lives should be, to be satisfying and good. Our kids are warm and fed. They are healthy, bright, and learning every day. We pay all our bills, always on time, we just don't have anything left over afterward! So what, if the budget is that tight? At least we are honest and hard-working, in a state well-known for corruption and graft. :tongue_smilie:

 

And, I agree with the poster who said the decision was not about divorce, but about being close and happy, or distant and just getting through.

 

When couples we know get divorced, it shakes our own foundation. It makes me wonder, "Will we be there, in a few years?" I do worry sometimes, even though my husband says that will never be us.

[KingM]

Year seven brought newborn twins and those next couple of years were brutal. Less so for our marriage, though. I remember pulling together pretty well. Most of our big decisions were about who had changed the last messy diaper. And maybe we were too sleepy to fight.

 

Our toughest time was probably about five years ago, when my wife was pregnant with our youngest child, she was unhappy with our work/life situation (since resolved) and I slipped, inexplicably into a depressive fog. No real reason, I just fell into one of those funks you sometimes get in that usually last a day or two and then it went on and on and on and I grew more and more glum.

 

I don't think I quite realized it at the time, but my wife took a few stray comments I made about maybe needing to go to Mexico for a bit, get some sun and recover (I was just pitching around for something to help) and suffered some major stress about whether or not I was going to just walk away from our marriage and the family. This wasn't what I was thinking at all; I wasn't capable at the moment of thinking particularly rationally.

 

And then, about three or four months after it came, just about the time the baby arrived, the depression passed away and hasn't returned. I still don't know what happened. There were a couple of minor setbacks that seemed to trigger it, but what year doesn't bring a minor setback or two?

 

ETA: This is year 17 for us. No real problems.

[Sahamamama]

I slipped, inexplicably into a depressive fog. No real reason, I just fell into one of those funks you sometimes get in that usually last a day or two and then it went on and on and on and I grew more and more glum.... And then, about three or four months after it came, just about the time the baby arrived, the depression passed away and hasn't returned. I still don't know what happened.

 

Northern New England -- the weather? the lack of sunshine? SAD?

[KingM]

Northern New England -- the weather? the lack of sunshine? SAD?

 

You'd think so, except it was summer into early fall at the time. :P

[angela in ohio]

We are not young, but we are poor. We don't see any way out of it, either. Even hard work doesn't seem to get us any farther "up," if you KWIM. It is always a struggle. Our house is so small (800 sq. ft. living space), and old, and falling apart. No money to fix anything. No money for any dates, vacations, new clothes, upgrades to anything. Not really even enough for food and other basics. Absolutely no money for Christmas this year. :crying:

 

:grouphug:

 

I can't imagine "starting out and struggling" at the same time as "this is it?" It was a lot to handle individually, but both at the same time is a lot, so :grouphug:

 

It sounds like you guys have a great handle on it, though. I think part of the key to us doing well has been that we work together on keeping a good perspective. We used to laugh when we had no money and something would happen (car break down, etc.) What else are you going to do: yell at each other, be mean and crabby? It just seemed easier to shrug it off and get each other through it. :001_smile:

 

We were living in about 900 sq ft, just scraping by, and a great opportunity opened up for dh that we never imagined. Even if there is no good reason to hope for a break, it can happen anyway. :grouphug:

[angela in ohio]

Our toughest time was probably about five years ago, when my wife was pregnant with our youngest child, she was unhappy with our work/life situation (since resolved) and I slipped, inexplicably into a depressive fog. No real reason, I just fell into one of those funks you sometimes get in that usually last a day or two and then it went on and on and on and I grew more and more glum.

 

This happened to my dh. It turns out that a man he worked with had been fired pretty abruptly, and it was the first time he thought about what would happen if that happened to him. I think the realization of the immense responsibility of four other people being totally dependent on him finally hit him for the first time. It lasted a few months.

[KingM]

This happened to my dh. It turns out that a man he worked with had been fired pretty abruptly, and it was the first time he thought about what would happen if that happened to him. I think the realization of the immense responsibility of four other people being totally dependent on him finally hit him for the first time. It lasted a few months.

 

I think it was a combination of a trigger and something that was already going on chemically in my body at the same time that did it. Why I came out of it is even harder to speculate about.

[misscometa]

:iagree: with lots of you, all I see and hear is everyone wanting to get a divorce, we have friends who at 15 or 18 years have called it quits. I wanted to get on the thread last week, but couldn't, got busy with my rugrats.

It's so sad though, to hear people dissolved their marriages for no good reason other than is just not working out. They don't even want to make it work out...I don't know what to think anymore.

 

My dh and I will celebrate our 15th year together in Dec. and honestly our toughest years were the beginning years, all the way til our 7th year.

 

We also married in our late 20's, I don't think I'm missing anything at all, I tell my dh all the time that if something happened to him, I would enter a convent with daycare:lol:

[hsbeth]

We're in year 14 and it has been a tough one. We have had lots of couple friends who began to struggle around year 13 or so. Many have stayed together for now, but unfortunately I expect that they'll split once they have finished child rearing. Some barely tolerate one another.

 

I've been rather unsatisfied generally this last year or so. I think some of it is hormonally driven (peri-menopause and two adolescent daughters). Dh hit the big 4-0 this year and that threw him for a bit of a loop as well. I've also been feeling very over stretched this year. We have large age gaps and the combo of a needy, whiny toddler and two needy, whiny adolescents are just about sending me over the edge. I think some stages of parenting are more intense. My mom calls the ages of 6-11 or so "the sweet spot" and I am beginning to agree. I remember feeling a similar strain around year 3-4 (two toddlers 17mths apart) and again around year 10 (preggers with our youngest).

 

Although divorce is most likely not an option for us, I have fantasized about a separation from time to time this year. :(

[Wheres Toto]

I'm already divorced. We broke up in year 10 but things were bad pretty much the whole time, we were just so busy we never stopped to take a look at how bad things really were until they were impossible to ignore. There was emotional/verbal abuse involved, as well as severe lack of money stress (utilities being turned off, etc.).

 

DH and I just had our 6 year anniversary. The first year was rough with adjusting to living together, stepparenting and pregnancy. Once those little kinks were worked out things have gone very well. I think part of it is due to the fact that both of us were older when we married - I was 35, DH was 48 (he'd never been married). After living on his own so long DH truly appreciates everything I do and how hard the kids can be so we avoid the fights about what do I do all day and why is the house such a mess. After being married before, I truly appreciate being able to stay home with our kids and how laid back dh is (and that he cooks dinner every night). Our biggest source of stress is probably living with 5 people in 750 square feet. Never any peace and quiet, never able to get away from everyone (and I'm an introvert). We're getting ready to rebuild our house which is causing some tension but more just the stress of waiting on permits and worrying about financing.

[Osmosis Mom]

True. But I also think that the older you get, the less likely you are to see every little thing as crap, because you realize you pull a lot of crap, too. I am sort of hitting that mindset. I'm realizing that most things aren't a hill worth dying on. I'm a lot more zen than I ever used to be.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[keptwoman]

Most of the divorces we've seen have been with the shorter marraiges (1-3 years). When they tell me their "honeymoon period" didn't work out, all I can think is... those were the hardest years in our marraige (iow, WHAT honeymoon period?!?).

Yes, our first few years were ROUGH. We had a lot of deaths in the family, struggling to deal with marriage and babies, it was tough going. But we were just determined and committed to our relationship and then our marriage vows and we got out the other end of it. I remember many years ago, before I was even thinking of marriage, my Mum saying to me "Marriage is hard work" She is so right, and it seems to me that some people do not actually realise that.

 

We have our rough patches from time to time, I guess about 10 years was tough, 7 wasn't rosy, but it was always more about what was going on outside of our relationship and just dealing with that.

 

Now, in our early 40s and 17 years together/14 married, we are hitting the "Is this IT" phase, but it's not really impacting our relationship, we are still tight, but both of us are going through this a bit. I can certainly see that it could cause existing cracks to widen.

 

I think we are going to have to work on our perspective. How bad is it, really, to live the way we do? It's a readjustment of our idea of what our lives should be, to be satisfying and good. Our kids are warm and fed. They are healthy, bright, and learning every day. We pay all our bills, always on time, we just don't have anything left over afterward! So what, if the budget is that tight? At least we are honest and hard-working, in a state well-known for corruption and graft. :tongue_smilie:

This is where I am at, DH not so much. He is still holding tight to the idea that there must be something better, I hope he gets a bit more zen about it all soon.

[Peela]

I think it's less about 15 years and more about the age most people are when they hit that mark. As my mom puts it, the older you get, the less likely you are to put up with someone's crap.

 

:iagree:

[Peela]

I don't think a marriage fails just because people move on at a certain stage. The sign of a successful marriage is not staying together, IMO. And it doesn't meant that if people split, it was unsuccessfulo r unhappy all that time, either. I think its a shame people feel that they or their marriage failed because it ended. People do grow apart and thats ok too.

 

My parents divorced at 15 years too. Interesting. My mother said to me a few years later that we live in different times and "serial monogomy" - having more than one long term relationship in one's lifetime, which she has done, is a lot better than staying in an unhealthy relationship where people grow apart as they mature (as my parents did. I can't imagine my mum with my dad anymore. He didn't change. She did, dramatically. )

 

DH and i have been together 18 years now, married for 11. Never been easy. Neither of us compromise much- we really speak our truth and risk separating to do so many times over the years. Its always been worth it and it is more fresh and alive now than ever. But, its never been easy. I suspect relationships are not meant to be.

[lionfamily1999]

Yes, our first few years were ROUGH. We had a lot of deaths in the family, struggling to deal with marriage and babies, it was tough going. But we were just determined and committed to our relationship and then our marriage vows and we got out the other end of it. I remember many years ago, before I was even thinking of marriage, my Mum saying to me "Marriage is hard work" She is so right, and it seems to me that some people do not actually realise that.

 

:iagree:

My dh and I will celebrate our 15th year together in Dec. and honestly our toughest years were the beginning years, all the way til our 7th year.

 

We also married in our late 20's, I don't think I'm missing anything at all, I tell my dh all the time that if something happened to him, I would enter a convent with daycare:lol:

Ours too. Dh and I both laugh when people mention the "honeymoon years." Maybe it's because so many people live together first (we did for six months)? It just doesn't seem to me like there WAS a honeymoon period. We were married and our worst argument ever was ON our honeymoon :p I nearly left him in New Orleans to find his own ride home :lol:

 

I was 19 and dh was 24, so were young. I thought I had missed something, until I saw how hard it was for my single friends. It seemed like my bf was always looking for Mr. Right, settling for Mr. There, and finding out he was Mr. ReallyWrong.

 

I told dh, left alone I would not leave the house. He believes me :D

[AuntPol]

We struggled at 7-9 years. We were two separate people living in the same house. Then after 9 years, it really fell apart. He wanted to leave me. According to him, we had nothing in common except the kids and great sex (which he no longer wanted). He was having an emotional affair online and had been for 4 years (he didn't see it as an "affair" but just a friendship he had to hide because I'm so "jealous" -btw-I'm probably the least jealous woman in the world). We've made it through that with lots of counseling but only because I insisted on trying to make it work for the kids.

 

Now (12-almost 13 years married) he's apparantly very happy with the marriage (according to his friends) and is very comfortable with me. He can't imagine not having someone to share all the things we share and have in common. I on the otherhand, am not happy. I think the kids, homeschooling, and my religious beliefs are keeping me from walking out. That and the fact that I dated enough before marriage (I was 29) to know that I there is not going to be much better out there. Every man is going to have "issues" and at least I know my husband's issues. But recently I have lost weight, redid my hair and wardrobe, joined an adventure group that does things like rock climbing, ice skating, kayaking once a week while he is content to be a couch potato with ever increasing waistline.

[LBS]

We're in year 23, and didn't get married till 31 and 33, after ten years of "dating". We went thru a few speedbumps, in that time, maybe. I did notice that years around 7-9, and 15 were difficult, but when I looked around at what else was out there (in a very preliminary way) I felt like what I had was the best for me or at least I could nurture him some and work on things, and then one day you wake up and they look/talk/act normal/better and the discontent feeling went away. It just seems impossible to ditch all the work you put in, all the common ground, you have already.

 

Three things have stuck with me, in trying to keep a marriage going:

1. a Myer's-Briggs Indicator tester told me how with great regularity we marry people who are opposites, then we naturally try to "fix" them, change them to our ways, even the things that greatly attracted us to begin with. They won't be fixed, cause they are who they are, and we need to appreciate them, not change them. (I'm expressing this very inelegantly, but you get my drift.)

2. Mama said not to threaten the "D" word. If someone says it, then it becomes an "I dare you" situation, and someone gets a lawyer and all of a sudden you both are so engaged in the struggle of divorce, that you will be divorced.

3. Daddy said "remember, you can be married or you can be right." That goes for a lot of relationships, I guess. I think people often sacrifice a relationship to, not so much be true to their own selves, as to be indulgent to themselves. Its all perspective.

 

LBS

Edited November 2, 2010 by LBS

[Renee in NC]

Our toughest years relationship-wise were the first 3. Things were much better after that. There was a rough patch at 9-10 years. We are now headed to year 14 and things are really good relationship-wise. The past 2 years have been HORRIBLE life-wise, but all the trouble and turmoil have brought us closer together.

 

I learned that he really does like a clean house and for me to sit with him while he watches TV. He learned that I am a much happier person with less to do, even if that meant giving up homeschooling.

 

We are headed into another possible rough patch as *I* become the breadwinner (for the most part) and we try to drag ourselves out of poverty. The dc are getting older and we are less focused on children and more focused on what makes *us* happy (individually and together.) I am prepared for some of these things to clash, but overall I really, really LIKE my dh as a person and that is a good thing. (Love, of course, is a given.;))

 

I think we'll be okay as long as we can have our lives separate AND together.

 

ETA: We are both VERY young - I am 34, he is 33. We'll have a college-aged ds, 5 school-aged dc, and one preschooler next year. Maybe our rough time will come closer to 40.