WWYD- Friend's child in PS

[Paige]

We pulled our girls out of their public school class about 6 weeks ago and have a friendly relationship with their former teacher. The girls' very good friend and the child of my good friend is still in that class. His mom has asked me about homeschooling a few times and has mentioned she is open to the idea and is not really thrilled with the school at the moment. Due to budget issues and other changes, we both have been unhappy and worried about the kids and school.

 

I ran into the teacher last week and we talked a lot about how things were going and she shared with me some very disturbing information about the school and the girls' former class. Would you share that with your friend if she had a child in that class or keep your mouth shut? I don't want to make her feel worse if there's no way she can homeschool now. I don't really know how serious her interest is and if it would be a real possibility. She works so would have to really change her routine. Also, if she kept her child in the class, it could strain things between my friend and the teacher because I know my friend would be unhappy even though it isn't really anything the teacher could fix or change. On the other hand, we love her little boy and I hate seeing him in a bad situation. I would want to know if it were my girls still in that class. :confused:

[K&Rs Mom]

I would want to know if it were my girls still in that class.

 

Based on this, I'd tell your friend. Even if there's nothing the teacher can do to change the situation at school, your friend can help out her ds at home, if there's something he needs to process.

[kalanamak]

To me, it would depend on what you mean by disturbing.

 

That the janitor was fired for child porn?

That the reading helper will be let go because of budget cuts?

That the only good teacher is leaving?

That the kids will have to go to bottled water because of E coli levels?

That a young child who has severe problems with sneaky, sexualized aggression is going to be "integrated" into mainstream classes and they aren't telling anyone?

[Jean in Newcastle]

To me, it would depend on what you mean by disturbing.

 

That the janitor was fired for child porn?

That the reading helper will be let go because of budget cuts?

That the only good teacher is leaving?

That the kids will have to go to bottled water because of E coli levels?

That a young child who has severe problems with sneaky, sexualized aggression is going to be "integrated" into mainstream classes and they aren't telling anyone?

 

:iagree:

 

If it is something that would create an outcry if it were leaked to the media, then I would tell her so that she can protect her child. If it is something that is just part of being in an institutionalized educational setting (like teaching to the test) then I wouldn't because that's just part of the educational choice she's making for her child.

[SonshineLearner]

And, you could be putting the teacher's job on the line, so you have to be careful how you tell your friend...

[bettyandbob]

You haven't said exactly what the issue is, but I'd probably tell a friend if I'd heard something disturbing about school. I'd try to put it in a way of I'd heard a rumor and she might want to verify it and decide if it's truly and issue relating to her child.

 

Several years ago I pulled my ds from a montessori preschool b/c of a truly abusive teacher. My friend's dd was in another class and was supposed to stay in that class for another year. Friend was happy with the teacher. After I left I ran into a mother of another child in the friend's class. She told me the teacher of that class was leaving at the end of the year and she was pulling her child from school as soon as that teacher left. The mother also told no one knew and no one was being told--she knew b/c the teacher was a family friend and that relationship was the only reason she'd enrolled her son. Well, I turned around and told my friend. I was sure she didn't want to stay unless her dd had the continuity of the teacher and it turned out I was correct.

[Night Elf]

That's a tough one. First, would you be breaking any kind of confidence by sharing this new information? This teacher-friend of yours may be incredibly hurt if you pass on information without her consent. Second, would this information be of any help to your friend if she cannot homeschool? Is it something she can help correct or offset?

 

Maybe you could ask her if she's given any more thought to homeschooling. I mean, if she's just waiting for the last straw to homeschool her child, this may be it. But if she's pretty much decided against it, and this new information is going to do nothing but fester in her mind as she sends her son to that class every day, then I'd be inclined to keep that information to myself.

[Paige]

The information isn't necessarily a bombshell and it would be something she could find out by asking around herself if she knew what to ask. The teacher did not tell me in strict confidence, we were just casually talking in the classroom when I stopped by for some paperwork and she was sharing her frustrations with how things had changed this year, and she said she was glad, for my girls' sake, that they were no longer there. My husband and children were there and other people were walking around outside the room. On the other hand, even though it wasn't told in confidence, I am not sure how she'd feel about the other parents knowing it all. I am being deliberately vague here because I don't want to make it all public.

 

Mostly, it is small things that my friend could do nothing about if she stays in the school. It is things like they have over 100 students at a time loose on a playground probably meant for 40 kids max with only 6 adults supervising! To me, that is a huge safety concern. The playground is about the size of a smaller community playground with only one medium size play structure and a few swings separate from that. Most of our city parks, for comparison, have 2-3 play structures of that size and more than one swing set and I would turn around and go home if I saw close to 100 kids at even those parks before letting my kids loose in that chaos. The teacher said she closes her eyes and just prays every day before taking them out because it is such a zoo. There are several other more specific concerns but nothing like a potentially abusive employee or student in contact with the children. I'm leaning towards not saying anything unless my friend brings up more of her own concerns first but I still feel a little guilty holding out on her.

[Teachin'Mine]

I agree with what's been said that a lot depends on what the problem is. I think I'd ask your friend if she wanted to know information or not. Let her decide how much she needs to keep her son in the ps. If she really has no choice, she may opt not to know. If she's really considering homeschooling, then she would likely want to know. Then again there's always the curiosity factor and she may want to know regardless. I don't think I'd share where you got the information - just put it as that a reliable source told you that ... If she asks, then just ask her if she thinks the information is accurate or not. If it's information that only the teacher would be privy to, then I'd talk with the teacher and explain your predicament.

[Sun]

I'm not sure I understand the reasons for not telling your friend.

 

The teacher told you something, not in confidence, and you know that your friend would want to know about it. I personally would much rather a friend told me something - even if I weren't able to do anything about it and would find the knowledge disturbing.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The information isn't necessarily a bombshell and it would be something she could find out by asking around herself if she knew what to ask. The teacher did not tell me in strict confidence, we were just casually talking in the classroom when I stopped by for some paperwork and she was sharing her frustrations with how things had changed this year, and she said she was glad, for my girls' sake, that they were no longer there. My husband and children were there and other people were walking around outside the room. On the other hand, even though it wasn't told in confidence, I am not sure how she'd feel about the other parents knowing it all. I am being deliberately vague here because I don't want to make it all public.

 

Mostly, it is small things that my friend could do nothing about if she stays in the school. It is things like they have over 100 students at a time loose on a playground probably meant for 40 kids max with only 6 adults supervising! To me, that is a huge safety concern. The playground is about the size of a smaller community playground with only one medium size play structure and a few swings separate from that. Most of our city parks, for comparison, have 2-3 play structures of that size and more than one swing set and I would turn around and go home if I saw close to 100 kids at even those parks before letting my kids loose in that chaos. The teacher said she closes her eyes and just prays every day before taking them out because it is such a zoo. There are several other more specific concerns but nothing like a potentially abusive employee or student in contact with the children. I'm leaning towards not saying anything unless my friend brings up more of her own concerns first but I still feel a little guilty holding out on her.

 

For this kind of thing, I would not go running to tell her. I would however, if the conversation were running in the "what is wrong with education today" vein point out that these are the types of things that you could see even at your (former) school - and I would give examples. But I would not be surprised if your friend did what many of my friends with kids in ps do, express outrage, say "if only I could homeschool" and then shrug their shoulders. The school is not trying to set up a dangerous situation but this is how it is in cash-strapped schools.

[Harriet Vane]

For this kind of thing, I would not go running to tell her. I would however, if the conversation were running in the "what is wrong with education today" vein point out that these are the types of things that you could see even at your (former) school - and I would give examples. But I would not be surprised if your friend did what many of my friends with kids in ps do, express outrage, say "if only I could homeschool" and then shrug their shoulders. The school is not trying to set up a dangerous situation but this is how it is in cash-strapped schools.

 

:iagree:

[bettyandbob]

This is not a situation I would bother telling someone about. Crowding on the playground just doesn't rise to that level of concern for most people.

[Paige]

I'm not sure I understand the reasons for not telling your friend.

 

I'm thinking of not telling her because she already feels bad enough and I don't want to make it worse if there's nothing she can do. The school is overcrowded which is why they have to either let too many kids play or make some kids not have recess daily. She can't control any of the upcoming possible scenarios the teacher is worried about, and my friend can't control any of the specific classroom issues the teacher is struggling with. If her son is for the moment happy and oblivious to all of it, as my kids were, then I don't see any benefit for her in knowing. I would want to know but I know if I did know and had no choice but to send my kids there that I would be miserable and very worried about them. I am still a little worried for her son and thinking about asking her how he is doing to see if he's picked up on anything yet.

[Night Elf]

Overcrowding in schools is a very common occurrence these days with the way the economy has been in the past several years. Schools are having to cut back on programs (fine arts and music seem to the first to go) and staff (teacher assistants and new teachers seem the first to go). When staff is cut, those classes must be redistributed among the rest of the classes, meaning a higher student to teacher ratio. This is the kind of stuff we see on local news so I can't imagine it being a shock to anyone.

 

Have you recently talked with your friend about homeschooling? Is she on the fence? What are her concerns? Is that something you could help her address? Could you give her the link for this wonderful resource, the WTM boards? In the course of weighing pros and cons, you could bring up the overcrowding issues and any of the other issues you heard about that you feel pertain to her situation. I don't think you need to approach it in such a hush-hush whispered voice usually reserved for mentioning shocking news, but stay matter of fact and calm and present it in a less alarmist way as possible. For example, you could say something like 'I heard the school is having to make changes in the classrooms due to the large class sizes,' rather than saying 'Their overcrowded situation is putting the kids in danger.'

 

Good luck with your decision!