What makes a child a 'target' for bullies?

[msjones]

You know that may be another aspect of it, having parents that will stand up for you when needed or give you tips on dealing with the situation. I never told my parents about my bullying because I knew they'd blow it off and do nothing. My bullying was all done with words so there was no evidence except my broken self-esteem.

 

 

 

It must have been miserable for you not to have help from anywhere -- not even your parents. I'm sorry you had to live with that.

 

When my son saw my husband heading over to talk to those boys, I could see him feel better immediately. He said something like, "it's really great that dad would do that for me."

 

I'm sure that sometimes, however, parent involvement can exacerbate the situation. I'm just thankful that my boys are not immersed in a school setting 30 hours each week. It's so much easier to handle this type of thing in small doses.

[Hunter's Moon]

I think everyone has the potential to be a "target".

 

If a bully really is itching to be obnoxious, they will find the most ridiculous reasons.

 

Reasons I've been bullied:

1. Glasses (a big one in elem. school)

2. I'm Caucasian

3. I'm "nice". I'm a mind my business type of person.

4. I'm an introvert.

5. I got good grades.

6. I wear dresses a lot (jumper style in elem.)

 

There are many more.

 

Bullying has no reason behind it, it just is.

 

My friends' younger brother was always bullied in school because he has a slightly larger than average head. It isn't fall over big, but it is a bit noticeable. Now he is made fun of because he wears glasses and is nice. He really is a sweet kid, and that is probably one reason he is a main target. He is "too nice".

 

Sure, there are some ways a parent might be able to ensure their child isn't bullied. Hygiene, nice clothes, contacts, clear braces, etc., but really it depends on the child's personality and that of the bully.

[Hunter's Moon]

You know that may be another aspect of it, having parents that will stand up for you when needed or give you tips on dealing with the situation. I never told my parents about my bullying because I knew they'd blow it off and do nothing. My bullying was all done with words so there was no evidence except my broken self-esteem.

:iagree:

 

In addition to my other post, I will say I do believe a parent's example or intervention is probably the best way to ensure the child is not a "target".

[Joker]

I think that children who are not confident in who they are invite bullying, as well as children who are very eager to please. Difference is not necessarily the key. If you try to 'make a child fit in', but they are not happy in the trendy clothes or attitude, that awkwardness will increase the likelihood of bullying.

Laura

 

:iagree: My older dd should probably get bullied a lot because she likes to be so different. She doesn't get picked on at all though because she is completely confident in who she is and doesn't care what others think of her. She makes friends easily and everyone seems to like her. When I tried to make her dress a certain way she looked so uncomfortable and miserable. I've actually learned quite a bit from my 10 year old and hope my younger dd has just as much love for herself.

[lionfamily1999]

As we processed all of this that night, my son kept asking what he could have done to stop it from happening. We were sorry to have to tell him that there was probably nothing he could have done to prevent it. He is an ordinary-looking kid who was doing an ordinary thing who ran into a punk of a kid being a bully. A lousy lesson to have to learn.

 

I also found myself kind of pitying those boys. The ring leader is apparently a known trouble-maker, but the rest of the boys just kind of went along with him. There is something of a gang culture around here, and I know it can actually be dangerous for kids to oppose the behavior of the gang. What a life for those kids.

It is a lousy lesson. It's hard to say what the right response to bullying would be, answering it can get you in trouble (like it did your son), but ignoring it can just make it worse (although both can be 'solutions').

 

:grouphug:

 

It's not him, it's them. They're the ones with the problems. Like you said, he just ran into some punk kid with issues.

You know that may be another aspect of it, having parents that will stand up for you when needed or give you tips on dealing with the situation.

 

We had a few situations where dh has had to intervene with ds and neighborhood kids. I wouldn't call it bullying but it helped ds to know someone he loved and respected had his back.

:iagree:

I just don't accept that when someone is victimized (even when they're not provoking the bullying though any action of their own - intentional or otherwise) that there's absolutely nothing they can do to respond or to change the situation. No one deserves to be bullied. It is often (or even usually) not about any particular aspect of the person being bullied. However, that doesn't mean you just have to accept it. To me, there's always a response or a way that has at least the potential to change things.

 

I think that this is an especially dangerous attitude to have in one's life as one becomes an adult. Sometimes you're stuck with a person in your life (in your family, your neighborhood or your work) and you can either live with the way it is or try and fix it (even if you shouldn't have to and it's not fair, that's LIFE).

 

I'll just put a disclaimer that some situations are beyond bullying - they're into legal territory and that's different. But just being a jerk is, unfortunately, not something you can call the cops about.

 

You can't change other people. Someone choosing to bully another person is not going to be changed because of a flip remark or new deoderant. When you make the victim change then you are making it the victim's "fault" that it happened. It's not their fault. The victim is not the one with issues. The victim can be anyone (even another bully), and what they need to know is that it is not about them, it's ALL about the bully.

I'm saying this as gently as possible.

 

Bullying is like rape. And it's never the victim's fault. Period, full stop. It is the fault of the bully and it has to do with their need for control. The only way it will stop is when parents start teaching their children empathy, and beauty in diversity.

:iagree:

[unsinkable]

My personal experience with bullying is sad and tragic. When my little brother was 14 he was victim to a lot of bullying and racism due to him being a black child in a VERY white town. He became the 'class clown' to try to get kids to like him, but when that didn't work he took his own life.

After living through that, and seeing what it did to our family, I would never leave my kids in a situation where they were being bullied.

 

Oh, Becky. I am so sorry. :grouphug:

 

Your poor brother and family! :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

I have put much of my son's bullying story on this board so I won't rehash it. My son tried to ignore it, tried to laugh it off, tried to banter back. None of that worked. His natural tendency was to ignore it so that is what he did for the longest time.

 

This group of bullies was relentless. I think they kept upping the verbal viciousness b/c they wanted a reaction. They pushed and pushed (for months) until he finally "broke" and started crying when another boy told DS about the rumor they were spreading. My MIL had died a few days before so I think the tears were about much more than this evil, disgusting rumor.

 

Here is my point: My aunt told me that DS obviously had something lacking in his personality that he started crying like that. She said that it was an inappropriate reaction for a 14 y.o. boy.

 

There will always be someone who blames the victim. It $uck$ even worse when you're related to someone who thinks like that.

[Catherine]

I've read none of the responses, but the authors argue persuasively in this book that bullying is a result of kids lacking normal and protective trusting adult relationships in a given environment. When the kids don't attach to the teacher as a stand-in parent figure, their instinct to attach makes them attach to other kids, and the result is bullying, amongst other things. He points out that these abnormally attached kids sense vulnerability and go after it with laser focus. I totally see this with my own kids. The one, of my three, who has never been in school is far more comfortable just being himself-he feels no pressure whatsoever to avoid vulnerable behaviors that would mark him for ridicule.

 

It makes me so sad to see parents who try to protect their kids by making sure they aren't vulnerable or "real". What kind of a world do we live in? is what I think.

[Hunter's Moon]

Here is my point: My aunt told me that DS obviously had something lacking in his personality that he started crying like that. She said that it was an inappropriate reaction for a 14 y.o. boy.

 

There will always be someone who blames the victim. It $uck$ even worse when you're related to someone who thinks like that.

 

I hope your aunt never told that to your son.

 

I've always been a sensitive person. Even in school, if I got in trouble for the simplest thing, I would go to the bathroom and cry. That was just how I was. I always wanted to please my teachers and never disappoint.

 

As I got older, I didn't cry as much, but still took offense to things quite easily, and still do. I am working on it.

 

My point is, being told that your own behavior is inappropriate, especially when it is not your own fault, is a real kick in the self esteem.

 

What your son did *was* allowed, and the fact that your aunt would blame him is ridiculous. My uncle is the same exact way though, so no wonder we have a cold relationship.

 

I hope your son is doing better now though.

 

Best wishes!

[unsinkable]

I hope your aunt never told that to your son.

 

I've always been a sensitive person. Even in school, if I got in trouble for the simplest thing, I would go to the bathroom and cry. That was just how I was. I always wanted to please my teachers and never disappoint.

 

As I got older, I didn't cry as much, but still took offense to things quite easily, and still do. I am working on it.

 

My point is, being told that your own behavior is inappropriate, especially when it is not your own fault, is a real kick in the self esteem.

 

What your son did *was* allowed, and the fact that your aunt would blame him is ridiculous. My uncle is the same exact way though, so no wonder we have a cold relationship.

 

I hope your son is doing better now though.

 

Best wishes!

 

You are a sweetheart! You remind me of my DD.

 

No, my aunt never did tell him that. It was said over the phone to me. After she said it, I was dumbfounded but I made sure to tell her to please not talk to my son about the bullying situation.

 

My son is doing better. Thank you!

[justamouse]

 

Here is my point: My aunt told me that DS obviously had something lacking in his personality that he started crying like that. She said that it was an inappropriate reaction for a 14 y.o. boy.

 

There will always be someone who blames the victim. It $uck$ even worse when you're related to someone who thinks like that.

 

Hearing things like that infuriate me to no end. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

[lionfamily1999]

Hearing things like that infuriate me to no end. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

:iagree:

[ChristusG]

Honestly, I really don't think the victim matters. A bully just targets someone. They can be someone popular, or unpopular. I think it is all about the bully. Sure, some kids are easier targets. Being very different from your peers makes you an easier target. But sometimes you don't have to be very different to be targeted.

 

I think a lot of it falls back on the parents. I know that if I found out that my kids was a bully, there would be some VERY serious consequences. And I would be proactive with checking up with the school to make sure all bullying had stopped. For majority of cases, the parents probably just don't care. Not all cases, but majority.

[unsinkable]

Hearing things like that infuriate me to no end. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

 

:iagree:

 

Thanks!

 

The thing that really $ucked about her saying it was that this had been escalating for months and he hadn't cried. It was finding out the rumor combined with my MIL dying that really pushed him over the edge.

 

My aunt knew it wasn't his first encounter and reaction and yet she acted like it was. :glare:

[Catwoman]

My personal experience with bullying is sad and tragic. When my little brother was 14 he was victim to a lot of bullying and racism due to him being a black child in a VERY white town. He became the 'class clown' to try to get kids to like him, but when that didn't work he took his own life.

After living through that, and seeing what it did to our family, I would never leave my kids in a situation where they were being bullied.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am so, so sorry about what happened to your brother, and to your family when he took his own life. He must have been in such terrible pain.

 

Cat

[lionfamily1999]

Thanks!

 

The thing that really $ucked about her saying it was that this had been escalating for months and he hadn't cried. It was finding out the rumor combined with my MIL dying that really pushed him over the edge.

 

My aunt knew it wasn't his first encounter and reaction and yet she acted like it was. :glare:

It's always easy to say someone overreacted when you are on the outside looking in... I'm glad your son was not exposed to that.

[simka2]

How awful! I don't know if you've read this book already, but The Optimistic Child by Martin Seligman might be worth reading. Seligman teaches a method for children to question what happens to them so that they don't internalize it. I used it with my youngest. It took awhile to learn, but now it's almost second nature for him.

 

To answer the original question, I think bullies target the weak and vulnerable and those who haven't learned to assert themselves yet. (Those who are bullied sometimes *go Ralphie* on others and become too aggressive. Then they get in trouble. That's why it's important for them to learn what it means to be assertive as opposed to aggressive.)

 

Also, if others don't speak up and stop bullying when they see it -- especially authority figures -- it tends to continue. IME, my children's bullying problems at school were seldom fixed quickly if teachers didn't intervene as well.

 

Just my $0.02.

I think I'm going to have to look into that book!

 

When the twins were toddlers I would take them to a park to play. They are identical physically, but carry themselves very differently. TwinA carries himself with confidence...even at 2. TwinB came across a bit more vulnerable (for lack of a better word.) I was watching them play on the playground and noticed a certain 5-7ish age boy who would consistently get in twinB space, but only when he thought I wasn't looking. There was something preditory there, that I can't explain. He had no interest in twinA, in fact he seemed a bit scared of him, but somehow he knew twinB was a potential target.

 

After that we made a deliberate choice to educate them on how to defend themselves, what was okay and what wasn't...and what options they have.