Can someone please explain to me.....

[Joyfullyblessed]

how I should react when my 17 year old daughter says "I have no respect for you, but that is not a bad thing."???

 

I know she has no respect for anything I say to her, but to hear her actually say this to me, well, it hit hard. She says that I don't demand respect. What does that mean? :confused:

 

How would you react to this statement?

[Mejane]

Frankly, it would p*ss me off. I often tell my children that I can't control what they think, but I will control what they say. In other words, you can think anything you want, but think carefully before you let it come out of your mouth. ;)

 

*Why* your daughter feels this way is another issue.

[Sophia]

:grouphug:

I'm sorry. Our children's words sure can cut deep, can't they?

 

My immediate response would be like the pp.

Long term~there would be consequences for my child as a result of that statement. Words come out of what is in the heart, and if their heart condition was such that they felt they could dismiss me so easily, well, that would pain me not only for me, but for them~because older teens especially, need the counsel of their parents.

 

All families are different, so I can't say what would work for me would work for you, but I know I would not let it go.

[Haiku]

I guess it would depend on how it was said to me. If was hurled as an attempt to hurt, there would be consequences. If it were an honest statement of feeling, it would be different, but I would try not to take it too much to heart. She's young, and the young know not their ignorance.

 

As for not demanding respect, I would wonder whether she means that your demeanor doesn't command respect. Are you wishy-washy? Do you overreact? Do you come across as timid?

 

I would probably tell my dd (my oldest is 16) that respect is a choice and she can choose to show respect or not, and that the choice says more about her character than mine.

 

Tara

[lionfamily1999]

I agree with the previous posters (esp Mejane). In addition, maybe she needs a dose of reality? Like a week of Mom NOT doing it for her. :glare: Or a month... or a year...

 

:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

I guess it would depend on how it was said to me. If was hurled as an attempt to hurt, there would be consequences. If it were an honest statement of feeling, it would be different, but I would try not to take it too much to heart. She's young, and the young know not their ignorance.

 

As for not demanding respect, I would wonder whether she means that your demeanor doesn't command respect. Are you wishy-washy? Do you overreact? Do you come across as timid?

 

I would probably tell my dd (my oldest is 16) that respect is a choice and she can choose to show respect or not, and that the choice says more about her character than mine.

 

Tara

 

:iagree:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: Frankly I'd go hide in a closet and cry.

 

Then, perhaps another day, I would sit down, maybe somewhere outside the house, and have a heart-to-heart with dear daughter. I remember being 17 and feeling some very funky things about my parents. Today we're good friends.

 

I would truly want to hear what my dd had to say and probably just absorb, then go home and go back into the closet and have another cry.

 

She may have the right to feel that way, but she is being disrespectful to you to make that statement and have no evidence to back it up. So I'd have her bring the evidence to the table and hear her out. She may find she is being illogical.

[PiCO]

I can't imagine anyone telling me I don't demand respect, let alone my daughter (who is almost 17.) I have never had a problem with people disrespecting me. When the occasional child disrespects me, I give them "the look" and they shape right up. ("the look" is not meant to scare or intimide, it's more of an "excuse me, why don't you rephrase that statement" kind of look.)

 

 

As for not demanding respect, I would wonder whether she means that your demeanor doesn't command respect. Are you wishy-washy? Do you overreact? Do you come across as timid?

 

I would probably tell my dd (my oldest is 16) that respect is a choice and she can choose to show respect or not, and that the choice says more about her character than mine.

 

:iagree: I agree with both of the above statements for dealing with this problem.

[JeneralMom]

I don't respect either of my parents as people and never have. However, I have never disrespected them, and I found the DD's statement to be very disrespectful.

[Joyfullyblessed]

Thank you for the replies. I appreciate them.

 

I do want to say that I am not a wishy-washy person at all. I really try my best not to over-react to situations also (though I probably have over-reacted a time or two in the past). However, while I would not say that I am timid with her, I do feel that she can sense when she has hurt me or worn me down and takes advantage of that situation.

 

I can't stand arguing. I am not the best communicator anyway, but especially when it comes to arguing. I never seem to find the right words if you know what I mean.

 

My daughter on the other hand has extremely quick come backs, insults, sarcasm, etc... towards me during those times. She likes to always, and I do mean always, be right. She also likes to blame anything or anybody else for everything.

 

I am at a loss as to what to say or do with her right now. She is very hurtful and downright mean with her comments. So, I guess what it comes down to is that I am a worn down momma. Maybe that is what she means by "I don't demand respect". I don't know, I kind of think she meant to say that I don't deserve respect. To me, that just fits better.

 

Oh, and for those who may be wondering what brought about the comment in the first place, well, she was doing homework very late last night that wasn't due today. So, I told her that she should head onto bed and get some rest. She never looked up at me and just said "okay, okay, whatever mom.".

 

I responded that she could at least look at me and give me the respect of truly listening to what I was saying. Hence, the comment from her.

 

I am not so much angry with her as I am just hurt and confused by her behavior and comments. I keep questioning myself as to what I have done wrong all these years. I knew teenage years would be hard, but I never ever imagined it to this extreme.

 

I do look forward to when she matures and will look at me hopefully in a much better light.

 

Thanks again!

[Perry]

I responded that she could at least look at me and give me the respect of truly listening to what I was saying. Hence, the comment from her.

That sounds to me like a comment from someone who just feels like being snotty. I'd be surprised if she really meant it.

 

I think I'd have a conversation with her about how words can really be hurtful. And I'd want to know if she really meant it or was just being obnoxious. I'm not sure how I'd handle it after that though.

[FaithManor]

I think she needs a dose of reality since this isn't just a one time, frustrated, impulsive moment but a regular occurence. She is playing you and manipulating you to her own ends.

 

She's too old for this. This is actually quite childish behavior and this kind of character trait will not get her far in the adult world. One can disagree with the boss, one can REALLY not like the boss, but the boss is the boss, it is his/her position and there are consequences for not respecting that position.

 

Make a list of all the services you provide her....she's 17, these are by in large privileges and then stop doing a lot of them. She can make her own food, do her own laundry, live without computers, phones, etc. She can eat but she better figure out that she doesn't get what you cooked with an attitude like that - she can eat oatmeal and peanut butter. Parents are not required to provide anything more than the basics. If she doesn't respect your position as mother, that's fine....but she also then loses all the privileges that go with having a mother who works her hiney off for HER. I'd make it very clear what the expectations are and what the consequences will be.

 

Kids that refuse to respect their parent as a position of authority quite often end up disrespecting police, teachers, etc. and it comes back to haunt them. But if they learn, I don't have to like it but this person does provide the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the car I drive to work (by the way WOULD not be happening here after a comment like that), etc. so I will respect that...they are much better off.

 

My three nephews and niece have EXCELLENT reasons to not respect their parents because of what type of parents they have turned out to be, but the boys learned to respect their parents' position of authority. So, now as grown-ups, they have a healthy respect for employers, law enforcement, etc. albeit limited contact with their parents. Their sister decided that she should dump disrespect on her parents, which led to dumping on employers, which led to dumping on police, which led to a constant over turn in jobs and now no one will hire her and she has a police record to boot.

 

(((HUGS)))) teenagers....oh that we could just lock them in the garage and throw food in there from time to time until they are 20!

 

Faith

[Haiku]

Sounds like she's being a snotty teenager, and my remedy for that usually involves my getting some much-earned "vacation" time while my teen gets a hands-on lesson in all that I do to take care of this house and family. :D

 

Tara

[Danestress]

There is a kind of respect that is earned over time through interaction and observation, and I woudl let her know that you hope someday you will have earned that kind of respect.

 

But for now, there is another kind of respect. She is not earning her way through life. She is living off the efforts of other people who have worked very hard and made major sacrifices that she can not begin to understand. Very very soon she WILL be earning her own way, and you will be happy she is independent. But for now, she's obliged to give the "someone else feeds me, houses me, pays for my medical care, takes me where I need to go, I guess I better be really nice to that person" kind of respect.

 

I think you need to be more careful not to let this child get your goat - she sounds like the kind of person who enjoys the show.

 

Could you consider not responding at all, but saving it up for tomorrow? I think I might wait until she says "Hey Mom, isn't it time to go to my dance class?" (or whatever) and say, "You know what? I actually canceled that. I decided that I wanted to take a pottery class and we don't have time for both your dance and that. I figured since you don't respect me and want to be hurtful to me, I would just try to do something fun for myself to do. I know you are growing up and becoming independent, and that's a good thing. I know those hurtful words make you feel like you are along in that process. I think it might help you to feel independent if you had to earn the money for your own class and figure out how to get yourself there."

[Mommyfaithe]

how I should react when my 17 year old daughter says "I have no respect for you, but that is not a bad thing."???

 

I know she has no respect for anything I say to her, but to hear her actually say this to me, well, it hit hard. She says that I don't demand respect. What does that mean? :confused:

 

How would you react to this statement?

 

Honestly...If one of my children said this to me they would be learning to respect me really fast. As in...oh, no you can't use my phone, cell phone, cable, internet, car, car insurance, groceries other than bare essentials. Take your laundry to the laundro-mat and do it yourself. Need new jeans...get a job...I am using my money for ME. If you are not home by curfew...door is locked....respect the porch. If you need a ride...you can give me gas money....or find another way to get where you are going.

 

 

This would all be done in a clam and matter of fact way. Sorry, it's mine and I don't feel like sharing. I pay the bills... You don't have to respect me...but you are not going to sponge off me either...that would be a bad lesson. So, since you have no respect for me...you do not receive any financing, privledges or respect FROM me.

 

And yes, I have had to do this...not because the kid said it, but because he acted that way. Amazing how much respect I get now....

 

Faithe

[Laurie4b]

I think you need to ask her directly what she meant by it. (We can guess, but could well guess wrong.) She may have been saying that she thinks that she is old enough to make her own decisions about stuff like when she does an assignment or how late she stays up. That would fit what she said, but again, you should ask her.

 

Don't assume that anything is your fault until you have evidence for it.

 

The transition from parent of younger teen to parent of older-teen-almost-adult is a bumpy one if both parent and teen aren't moving at the same pace. While she shouldn't be saying disrespectful things, if she can express herself respectfully, there may be things you can adjust now. Though the bumpiness of the transition is pretty common, so it is pretty common to be having a good relationship with the very same teen in a few more years.

 

If you are being manipulated, that's really bad for *her* future. One of my younger sisters used to manipulate all the time (though wasn't outwardly disrespectful) but didn't find it so easy with bosses. She's a lonely person now.