Please advise me about a toxic "friend" (fairly long, sorry)

[LauraGB]

....

 

Thanks for the advice - I appreciate it. I decided to wipe my post, though, because I put in a lot of info about her and I don't feel comfortable doing that. Something was nagging me all night and I kept waking up and thinking about this, and how she would feel if she reads the boards with so many of her personal details. Now hopefully I can get some sleep.

 

You guys are right on, though. I think I will call her and set something up...just once...and for a limited amt of time.

 

Thanks again, and sorry to erase the post.

Edited August 19, 2010 by LauraGB

[kalanamak]

 

My biggest concern is this - I kept in contact with her primarily to be certain her dc were okay while her dh was away (he worked/lived out of town for a few years), but when he came home, I faded into the background on purpose.

 

I'm totally at a loss about what I should do.

 

IF IT WERE ME, I would meet with her once, remain calm, and just make sure she is still okay enough to parent. I feel protective of other children, and if she called, she may be near snapping or something. If you meet her and she is a wreck, you may want to touch bases with other people who know her. But that is just me. How strong and ready are you? No point if you are not up to the task.

[LauraGB]

IF IT WERE ME, I would meet with her once, remain calm, and just make sure she is still okay enough to parent. I feel protective of other children, and if she called, she may be near snapping or something. If you meet her and she is a wreck, you may want to touch bases with other people who know her. But that is just me. How strong and ready are you? No point if you are not up to the task.

 

I'm up to it, I just was hoping to avoid it...how awful of me is that? In my heart, I feel you are right, though...

[Catwoman]

If you're feeling torn about it, meet her for coffee without the kids, and see how it goes. If you find that you have nothing in common with her, or just don't want to be her friend any more, you can always refuse future invitations.

 

You're not obligated to be her lifelong friend just because you meet her for coffee once or twice.

 

On the other hand, just because you were friends at one time, does not obligate you to rekindle that friendship now, so the ball is in your court, and there is no "right" or "wrong" answer to this dilemma. You need to do whatever feels right to you.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[justamouse]

could she be seeking you out because she knows you'll realign her?

[kalanamak]

To me, there is a difference between someone who is rotten or toxic to me, vs. rotten or toxic to others, including themselves. If she had been abusive to me, manipulative, evil, crushing, etc. I wouldn't go, but if you ARE able to be calm in the face of someone who does do bad things, you can evaluate their current state, for the sake of those children.

 

Humans are social creatures and I depend upon a society to help cushion me for the hard edge of the world we live in. As such, I feel that if I, personally, CAN do something that many others cannot, I have some responsibility TO do it. Hence the fact I work with, e.g. DD sexual offenders. I CAN, therefore I SHOULD. But, don't beat yourself up if you can't. There are many things I can't, and therefore, don't do. Police work, e.g. Not brave enough.

[LauraGB]

could she be seeking you out because she knows you'll realign her?

 

I don't know - that's what I'm torn about. Possibly - that's what another friend of mine who has spoken to her on occasion has suggested. It's what dh has also trepidatiously (is that even a word?) suggested - and he doesn't like her at. all.

 

Either way, I feel like a louse avoiding her. I'm not sure if I should get involved now that her dh is back in the picture. I guess I kind of feel he should be the one to help her set things straight where his children are concerned, and an outside influence isn't necessarily the right way to approach things. But, I'm seriously second guessing my conclusion.

[Barb_]

I'm not sure if I should get involved now that her dh is back in the picture. I guess I kind of feel he should be the one to help her set things straight where his children are concerned, and an outside influence isn't necessarily the right way to approach things. But, I'm seriously second guessing my conclusion.

 

Maybe things are going poorly with her husband and that is one of the reasons she is initiating contact?

 

Barb

[kalanamak]

Maybe things are going poorly with her husband and that is one of the reasons she is initiating contact?

 

Barb

 

:iagree:Maybe her family is coming apart.

[Jean in Newcastle]

She has the ability to call a therapist if that is what she needs. You are under no obligation to be that therapist. What I hear from your post is that while you were able to be a voice of reason to her, she did not actually heed your words (ie. do anything about it). In addition, while you don't feel like she is toxic per se to you, it definitely sounds like you are drained by her.

 

This is what I would do (and I'm saying this as a person who is the de facto "therapist"/voice of reason for a number of persons). I probably would get together with her once. I would be friendly but I would let her set the agenda to bring up either light conversation or an unburdening of the soul if that is what she wants from you. If she brings up issues of wanting to get together with your kids and hers, or if she shows that she really does want you as her therapist more than as a friend, I would set up nice but firm boundaries.

 

I would tell her flat out that at this time you do not want to get together as families. If she wants you for the purpose of unburdening, I would direct her to a therapist/counselor. I would also tell her that you don't mind being a listening ear but that you need to be able to say "enough" when it gets draining for you. I have set these sorts of boundaries with people. I've had people walk off in a huff and then months later we've had a better and much healthier relationship because of it. In a couple of cases they have gotten professional help. In others they have remained in turmoil but honestly they would have remained in turmoil even if I had allowed them to continually dump on me.

[Peela]

My sense is that something in you feels a pull to connect again...maybe she has changed? Maybe there is something there for you to see? Maybe she does need to hear some straight talk form you again?

You can connect once...and if it doesnt feel good to continue, maybe she needs to hear you say why, before you retreat from her life to take care of yourself.

But then...if you really don't want to...you don't have to. I wouldnt connect out of obligation or guilt...but it doesnt sound like thats where you are at.