I have always felt so blessed to live in the same area as my parents

[Nakia]

but lately it is becoming harder and harder. My mother will not leave us alone, and although I have tried to set strict boundaries, she always seems to keep on pushing. She is now telling outright lies about me within the family. I just don't get it. How can mothers treat their children like this? I have never given her a moment's grief in my life. My husband and I work hard, are good parents, love Jesus, and mind our own business. If I try to talk to her or confront her, it gets so ugly, she is good for a while, and then she is worse than ever. I am tempted to just break all ties with her, but she is actually really good to my children, and they love her so much. I wonder how long it will be before she starts to tell them lies about me. That will probably be what ends our relationship. She tries to make me mad at my brothers and them mad at me. It's not working. My brothers and I are like pb&j. We are so close. The harder she pushes, the closer we get. The worst part is her mother is mentally ill and is estranged from all of our family. I'm afraid my mother is heading down the same path. She is already hardly on speaking terms with her own siblings.

 

I have recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (this is the first time I have said that "publicly") and she is holding it against me. She even threatened to take my kids away. My kids have never been in danger during even my worst times. I told her if she ever said that again, she would never be allowed to see them again. Why can't she be happy that I am getting help and actually getting better?

 

I guess I am finally at a place where I know my mother will never be emotionally there for me, and I'm actually okay with that. But I just don't know what to do about all her crap. I feel like I could write a book, or at least a whole season of soap opera episodes, about her and her antics.

 

I have brought up moving away many times to my dh, and he has always been so against it. But today, he brought it up first. Next year, he gets his official electrician license and I am a nurse, so I know we can find jobs. I don't *think* we would have a hard time selling our house. We don't have great credit, and I wouldn't really want to rush into buying a home before we knew where we were going to stay, so I guess we could rent. My brother is stationed in Kansas and will be there for a long time. He would love for us to move there. The thing is we love our home, our town, our church, our friends. Our roots are here. But is it time to move on? I just don't know.

 

I guess this is just a vent. Thank you all for listening. I am hurt and mad and confused. I am wondering if this stirring in my soul (and my husband's) is God prompting us to look further and go. But where can we go that's as beautiful and friendly as Western NC?? How do you even begin to decide where to go? We have always talked about moving northwest. Any ideas about that??

Edited August 8, 2010 by Nakia

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Nakia, you have my sympathy. When I married dh I knew that his mother-in-law was part of the bargain. She lives with us. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Nakia - how old is your mom?

[Nakia]

Nakia - how old is your mom?

 

She is young, only 53. She has been like this my entire life. It is getting worse day by day, I think.

[Nakia]

Nakia, you have my sympathy. When I married dh I knew that his mother-in-law was part of the bargain. She lives with us. :grouphug:

 

I admire you. My mother can never never never live with us. Never. Just cannot happen. BTW, you made me smile, as always. I heart you.

[scubamama]

Nakia,

Would you consider family counseling? Sometimes just having a third party "interpret" helps. I'm sure your mom "gets" that you have boudaries, but a stranger "explaining that" might be a good thing. And, as a bonus you can say you even went to counseling to help your relationship!

It's great to see how much you care about your mom and brothers - and that your dh is an active part of all this. I really can see that you are genuine in your heart about this.

I have a crazy dad - he just lives to cause trouble, and his mom (my Nana) is just like him...sadly it seems my sister is following this pattern. He has spread many lies and even convinced his psychiatrist/counselor that I was the root of all his problems, etc. I gathered up all the hateful emails and letters he'd sent and the nasty recordings on my answering machine and made an appt. to see that Dr. He did an about face and saw that my dad was a manipulator and had managed to fool him!

Last year we moved cross country and life without him has been so much better. He now tells everyone how depressed he is and how I cut him out of his life, but after the last visit where he told me "your mom didn't love you when she died" I decided I was done. He said it right in front of my dh and Nana (she supported him - they wanted me to toe the family line).

Now all I have is my dh's mom - I'm learning to let dh handle her.

I wouldn't consider a move until you try counseling...don't make a move in the low tide. :grouphug:

Michele

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I admire you. My mother can never never never live with us. Never. Just cannot happen. BTW, you made me smile, as always. I heart you.

 

 

Aww, thanks. I <3 you, too, even if you have defiled the very idea of my bacon-nutellawich. I don't hold grudges, dear.

 

Perhaps our mothers should move in together? :001_smile: ;)

[StephanieZ]

Sounds to me like you are starting to work through some painful issues with your mom. Moving might well be a great idea, but you might be able to dramatically reduce the time/trouble in the relationship through "boundaries" w/o moving. Moving wouldn't prevent her from causing trouble, as anyone with difficult long-distance relatives can attest! So, you'll need to draw more effective boundaries one way or another.

 

So far as her telling lies about you. . . Well, you can probably simply ignore all of it. If you are in the room, then leave (for the day!). . . If you can't hear it, then you don't need to know about it. Let your brothers and anyone else know that you are having this problem with Mom. . . and you have decided that you aren't going to deal with the lies and do not want to know about them. Ask your brother "Hey, dearest brother John, you know how Mom can be. . . and she's driving me bonkers with telling crazy lies, etc about us. I love her, and I just don't have the time or energy to deal with her craziness. So, I'd appreciate it if you just did not talk about me to her. If she starts, then just tell her you don't want to hear it. If you decide you really need to let her talk, then please keep it to yourself b/c I have no interest in hearing about it. Unless there is something you want me to do so far as calling the police or taking her to a hospital, or unless you actually believe I or someone else is in danger, please don't tell me about what she says b/c I don't want to know!'

 

Not talking about other family members -- No Gossipping -- is a big positive boundary that can dramatically help all relationships in the family. Be aware that ALL the family members will likely FREAK OUT when you refuse to engage in the drama. DO NOT ENGAGE! It is a natural process . . . they have to rebalance their own relationships with each other w/o you to help them balance. . . So, if you are seeing a therapist, get support there. If not, then just be strong and DO NOT ENGAGE. Cover your ears, walk away, pass the bean dip!

 

((hugs))

[StephanieZ]

p.s., She sounds like she has a mental disorder. I wouldn't want my kids around her unsupervised much. I'd be worried on a lot of levels.

[MamaT]

I'm so sorry Nakia. I can relate. That was one of the many reasons we moved from FL to NC. Stay firm with your boundaries and keep your ears open to make sure she is not talking negatively about you to your children.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

It's okay to mourn the loss of your mother, to grieve the fact that you never had a mother who loved you in the way that a normal mother would have. I have had to do that lately.

 

Years ago she told other family members that my dh and I were dating other people!! :001_huh: (which was not true!)

 

I LET HER HAVE IT!! and told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever dared to lie about our family again we would cut her off without notice. No phone calls, no kid visits-nothing. NOT ONE VISIT OR WORD EVER AGAIN.

 

So far she has respected THAT boundry, but has, of course, trampled all others. :glare:

[scubamama]

Cyndi - when you said mom told folks you were dating other people I lol...I think she must have just watched some soap on TV and wanted to try out the plot in real life :lol:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Cyndi - when you said mom told folks you were dating other people I lol...I think she must have just watched some soap on TV and wanted to try out the plot in real life :lol:

 

 

Ha. I wish it were that simple. I think some people just thrive on drama and love to both create it and draw people into it.

 

Me? I like my boring little life!

[Nakia]

Nakia,

Would you consider family counseling? Sometimes just having a third party "interpret" helps. I'm sure your mom "gets" that you have boudaries, but a stranger "explaining that" might be a good thing. And, as a bonus you can say you even went to counseling to help your relationship!

It's great to see how much you care about your mom and brothers - and that your dh is an active part of all this. I really can see that you are genuine in your heart about this.

I have a crazy dad - he just lives to cause trouble, and his mom (my Nana) is just like him...sadly it seems my sister is following this pattern. He has spread many lies and even convinced his psychiatrist/counselor that I was the root of all his problems, etc. I gathered up all the hateful emails and letters he'd sent and the nasty recordings on my answering machine and made an appt. to see that Dr. He did an about face and saw that my dad was a manipulator and had managed to fool him!

Last year we moved cross country and life without him has been so much better. He now tells everyone how depressed he is and how I cut him out of his life, but after the last visit where he told me "your mom didn't love you when she died" I decided I was done. He said it right in front of my dh and Nana (she supported him - they wanted me to toe the family line).

Now all I have is my dh's mom - I'm learning to let dh handle her.

I wouldn't consider a move until you try counseling...don't make a move in the low tide. :grouphug:

Michele

 

I am in counseling myself. When you say family counseling, do you mean with my mother? Ha. She would NEVER agree to that. You see, she has no problems, it's everyone else who has all the problems. Everyone is out to get her. Nobody gives her any respect. Blah blah blah...

 

I'm sorry you have had this problem with your father. My bio father is an alcoholic and left my life long ago. My step-father is an amazing man, and I don't know how he has dealt with her for over 25 years.

 

Aww, thanks. I <3 you, too, even if you have defiled the very idea of my bacon-nutellawich. I don't hold grudges, dear.

 

Perhaps our mothers should move in together? :001_smile: ;)

 

Hey now, that might be a plan. :D

 

Sounds to me like you are starting to work through some painful issues with your mom. Moving might well be a great idea, but you might be able to dramatically reduce the time/trouble in the relationship through "boundaries" w/o moving. Moving wouldn't prevent her from causing trouble, as anyone with difficult long-distance relatives can attest! So, you'll need to draw more effective boundaries one way or another.

 

So far as her telling lies about you. . . Well, you can probably simply ignore all of it. If you are in the room, then leave (for the day!). . . If you can't hear it, then you don't need to know about it. Let your brothers and anyone else know that you are having this problem with Mom. . . and you have decided that you aren't going to deal with the lies and do not want to know about them. Ask your brother "Hey, dearest brother John, you know how Mom can be. . . and she's driving me bonkers with telling crazy lies, etc about us. I love her, and I just don't have the time or energy to deal with her craziness. So, I'd appreciate it if you just did not talk about me to her. If she starts, then just tell her you don't want to hear it. If you decide you really need to let her talk, then please keep it to yourself b/c I have no interest in hearing about it. Unless there is something you want me to do so far as calling the police or taking her to a hospital, or unless you actually believe I or someone else is in danger, please don't tell me about what she says b/c I don't want to know!'

 

Not talking about other family members -- No Gossipping -- is a big positive boundary that can dramatically help all relationships in the family. Be aware that ALL the family members will likely FREAK OUT when you refuse to engage in the drama. DO NOT ENGAGE! It is a natural process . . . they have to rebalance their own relationships with each other w/o you to help them balance. . . So, if you are seeing a therapist, get support there. If not, then just be strong and DO NOT ENGAGE. Cover your ears, walk away, pass the bean dip!

 

((hugs))

 

She doesn't say much in front of me. She is just really passive-aggressive to me. I am, for some reason, like the "red-headed stepchild" to her. She is constantly mad at me, but I don't know why. She looks at me like I disgust her, and she thinks I am the dumbest person she has ever met. If you have anyone in your life that is passive-aggressive, you know what I mean. But my sweet sister in law kinda let something slip today that my mom told her, and then she regretted it because it obviously hurt me that my mother had lied about me again. It's like she wants everyone against me and on her side. I can't understand why she doesn't know this is not a contest. You are right, though, I need to just not engage. I have begun this tactic with my mother, but I need to make it clear to everyone else that I'm not going there anymore. The good thing is that my brothers and their wives know how she is, and they don't believe her. But a lot of our family and my mom's acquaintances, well, that's another story.

 

I don't really want to move. We do love it here. I always just knew we would grow old together right in our little house. And I don't want to let my mother mess that dream up.

[Nakia]

p.s., She sounds like she has a mental disorder. I wouldn't want my kids around her unsupervised much. I'd be worried on a lot of levels.

 

I'm so sorry Nakia. I can relate. That was one of the many reasons we moved from FL to NC. Stay firm with your boundaries and keep your ears open to make sure she is not talking negatively about you to your children.

 

I am going to sit down with my husband tonight, and we are going to talk about whether the kids need to be there unsupervised. I cannot even imagine the fit she is going to pitch if we stop it the overnights.

 

It's okay to mourn the loss of your mother, to grieve the fact that you never had a mother who loved you in the way that a normal mother would have. I have had to do that lately.

 

 

 

I have mourning for a while now. It's hard to accept that your mother is not going to be what you need in your life. It's so sad. But the good thing is that I am breaking this cycle with my girls.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I have a mother I adore and she STILL know how to push my buttons. :grouphug: on your diagnosis too.

[StephanieZ]

FWIW, my dh pretty much dropped contact w/ his parents for about 5-6 years once he realized how narcissistic they are and how damaging they were to him. He made this realization at age 40ish, the first time he had spent any time w/ a therapist (mine, lol, I'm an expert). . . It was a hard process for HIM b/c of realizing how much he never had (supportive parents in the way he needed) and would *never* have. He had to let go. It was hard on him.

 

I am not totally sure his parents even particularly noticed that he stopped calling them. . . and that they have only seen him twice in 5 years for very brief encounters. . . They are so all about themselves that really, I am not sure they notice. But, after 5-6 years, we can now have limited comfortable drama-free contact. Dh drew his boundaries; I acquired a nice sense of distance-I-don't-care-what-you-crazy-folks-think. . . and our dc have to be reminded of who they are when we are going to talk to them or see them. :001_huh:

 

Anyhow, this is to say that the pain you are feeling right now might be strong b/c you are going through the separation process . . . and this is a needed and good thing, but it is painful. I'd imagine that in 6 months, if you keep at it with your good therapist and make those boundaries, your grieving will be largely done and you will have gained some of the distance you need so that her craziness does not hurt you quite so much.

 

I'd imagine that it would be wise to wait 6 months before making any decisions about moving. Let your healing process continue. . . grow those boundaries; practice that distance, put energy into yourself and your own family, and THEN make choices from a place of strength, not one of pain.

 

Another warning that your brothers might create some drama for you as you change the way you interact with your mom. Don't take it personally. It'll be a sign that you are actually effectively changing! They'll get over it and all will be better later on.

 

((hugs))

[Nakia]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I have a mother I adore and she STILL know how to push my buttons. :grouphug: on your diagnosis too.

 

Thank you. Hug your mom for me. :D

 

FWIW, my dh pretty much dropped contact w/ his parents for about 5-6 years once he realized how narcissistic they are and how damaging they were to him. He made this realization at age 40ish, the first time he had spent any time w/ a therapist (mine, lol, I'm an expert). . . It was a hard process for HIM b/c of realizing how much he never had (supportive parents in the way he needed) and would *never* have. He had to let go. It was hard on him.

 

I am not totally sure his parents even particularly noticed that he stopped calling them. . . and that they have only seen him twice in 5 years for very brief encounters. . . They are so all about themselves that really, I am not sure they notice. But, after 5-6 years, we can now have limited comfortable drama-free contact. Dh drew his boundaries; I acquired a nice sense of distance-I-don't-care-what-you-crazy-folks-think. . . and our dc have to be reminded of who they are when we are going to talk to them or see them. :001_huh:

 

Anyhow, this is to say that the pain you are feeling right now might be strong b/c you are going through the separation process . . . and this is a needed and good thing, but it is painful. I'd imagine that in 6 months, if you keep at it with your good therapist and make those boundaries, your grieving will be largely done and you will have gained some of the distance you need so that her craziness does not hurt you quite so much.

 

I'd imagine that it would be wise to wait 6 months before making any decisions about moving. Let your healing process continue. . . grow those boundaries; practice that distance, put energy into yourself and your own family, and THEN make choices from a place of strength, not one of pain.

 

Another warning that your brothers might create some drama for you as you change the way you interact with your mom. Don't take it personally. It'll be a sign that you are actually effectively changing! They'll get over it and all will be better later on.

 

((hugs))

 

One totally out of control thing about my mother is if I try to decrease contact with her, she just ups hers. She texts me, literally, 6-7 times a day, while she is working. She calls me anywhere from 2-5 times a day. I used to answer her texts and calls every time because she would get so mad if I didn't. I have stopped that. I answer one call per day from her, and that's at bedtime because she freaks if she doesn't get to tell my girls goodnight every.single.night. Is that even normal? I don't know. I don't even know what a normal mother/daughter/granddaughter relationship is.

 

We will be waiting at least a year before moving, if we do at all. My husband will be officially licensed next year as an electrician, and his employer is providing that education, so we would be foolish to move now. In my heart, I know we don't want to move, and that running away isn't really the answer. You are so right about making decisions out of strength and not pain.

 

I do really believe my brothers will be totally supportive of my decisions. My brother who is three years younger than me is one of my best friends. He and I are so close. We have discussed this at length because she does the same thing to him at times. But he definitely sees the way she treats me, and he has even tried to talk to her about it, but she won't listen. He loves living so far away. Our younger brother is in Afghanistan right now, but I can see he and his wife already distancing themselves from my mother. And like I said, the good thing is that my brothers and their wives are so supportive of me. That means everything to me. Thank you so much Stephanie for your kind post. And I'm sorry your husband has had to deal with all that parent stuff. But I'm glad that things are better for both of you.

[JVA]

:grouphug: to you....lots to be working through. So glad your dh is supportive, loving and aware. If you think the kids could be in danger w/o you supervising visits, the heat you'll get from her won't be anywhere near the heartache you'll experience if something goes awry when they're alone with her.

 

Grieving- It's hard to face the fact that you may never have had or will have the kind of mother you needed. Grief is not a linear function- it goes in cycles. Give yourself time and space to experience it.

 

Identifying - You can do some research and see if any of the Cluster B diagnoses mental disorders fit her.

Try this:http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec07/ch105/ch105a.html

 

Reading - You could probably (!) write a book, but may I suggest a few that really helped me?

 

The Mom Factor by Townsend/Cloud

Boundaries by Townsend/Cloud

 

Blessings on you! :grouphug:

[Nakia]

:grouphug: to you....lots to be working through. So glad your dh is supportive, loving and aware. If you think the kids could be in danger w/o you supervising visits, the heat you'll get from her won't be anywhere near the heartache you'll experience if something goes awry when they're alone with her.

 

Grieving- It's hard to face the fact that you may never have had or will have the kind of mother you needed. Grief is not a linear function- it goes in cycles. Give yourself time and space to experience it.

 

Identifying - You can do some research and see if any of the Cluster B diagnoses mental disorders fit her.

Try this:http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec07/ch105/ch105a.html

 

Reading - You could probably (!) write a book, but may I suggest a few that really helped me?

 

The Mom Factor by Townsend/Cloud

Boundaries by Townsend/Cloud

 

Blessings on you! :grouphug:

 

Thank you so much. I will look for the books you mentioned at the library. I am reading a really good (Christian) book right now that a friend blessed me with that is really helping me see the unconditional love of God. It's called "He Loves Me!" by Wayne Jacobsen if anyone is interested.

 

And about my kids and my mom, you are very right. I don't want to have to repair any damage she does to them or to my relationship with them. My husband is much more level-headed than me, so I am going to talk to him in a bit, and see what his thoughts are.

 

I'm going to look at that website you posted. Thank you.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

you were brave to publicly talk about your diagnosis. i will observe for you that folks are still being highly supportive of you....:). i'm glad you have a diagnosis and someone to walk the journey professionally with you. it can make alllllll the difference! (if it were a broken hip, you'd have help getting it set, and therapy to help you learn to walk well again...)

 

the thing that would disturb me is her threat to take away your children. you handled it well; it would still trouble me (a lot). maybe put it on your list of things to talk to your councellor about.

 

you asked if it were normal for her to call to say goodnight to them each night. i think folks who live together normally say goodnight to one another each and every night. folks who don't, don't. i'd ask your councellor about that, too. the number of times she calls and texts in a non-emergency situation indicates some difficulties that need to be addressed at some point.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Laurie4b]

Sounds like your mother is mentally ill. Sorry. That is really hard when you have no control over it. You and your brothers might consider some kind of intervention. Thank goodness that you are all close and in unity. That will help a lot.

[Nakia]

:grouphug:

 

you were brave to publicly talk about your diagnosis. i will observe for you that folks are still being highly supportive of you....:). i'm glad you have a diagnosis and someone to walk the journey professionally with you. it can make alllllll the difference! (if it were a broken hip, you'd have help getting it set, and therapy to help you learn to walk well again...)

 

the thing that would disturb me is her threat to take away your children. you handled it well; it would still trouble me (a lot). maybe put it on your list of things to talk to your councellor about.

 

you asked if it were normal for her to call to say goodnight to them each night. i think folks who live together normally say goodnight to one another each and every night. folks who don't, don't. i'd ask your councellor about that, too. the number of times she calls and texts in a non-emergency situation indicates some difficulties that need to be addressed at some point.

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

Thank you. I do feel really supported right now. A couple of people who I told first weren't supportive, and that hurts, but it is amazing how many people will step up and just love on you when you hurt. So many people here have been so very good to me. It's just been amazing. It's been several weeks now since I was diagnosed, and I am finally feeling like the meds are helping, and I am getting better.

 

I am still really bothered about her threat to take my kids. I did tell my counselor about it, and she told me that it is obvious that my mother is not thinking clearly, and very possibly could have her own mental illness. I just can't see her ever getting help though. I'm afraid she is going to end up just like my grandmother, who would never accept help. My gm is in an institution at this very minute, as a matter of fact. It's so sad.

 

I have got to keep setting those boundaries. Baby steps, right?

Edited August 9, 2010 by Nakia

[Nakia]

Sounds like your mother is mentally ill. Sorry. That is really hard when you have no control over it. You and your brothers might consider some kind of intervention. Thank goodness that you are all close and in unity. That will help a lot.

 

An intervention might be something that happens in the future, but one of my brothers lives in Kansas and the other is deployed, so it won't happen anytime soon. I don't think I have the strength for that now anyway. Thank you for your support.

[Catwoman]

I don't have any advice for you, but I'm sending you lots of support and :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[....]

Can you move away? We had to do that the first year we were married or we just wouldn't be married anymore. Amazing how much trouble relatives can stir up... It's easier to deal with these relatives from a long distance.