Ugh, the neighborhood boys just knocked on my door...

[Jean in Newcastle]

We participated in a National Night Out bbq at our local park a couple of days ago. A bunch of the moms were standing around and complaining loudly about one 10 year old boy and his "gang" of boys who are not parented and run rampant around the neighborhood. The boys can be bullies. Just as I piped up and said, "Oh, those boys can be nice, if given a chance," the boy in question came and asked my permission to have some s'mores. When I said yes, the boys lined up for their treats. I have a good rapport with these boys (even though I don't know all of their names). I make firm rules with them and they respect them. I do spoil them a bit too (ie. s'mores at the bbq and for a couple of the boys who had not been fed at all, I gave them dinner.) I am not always available to them. I've told them 'no' when they've come knocking on the door but I usually can always spare them a few minutes to see their new mohawk or to listen to them tell me what they're up to. These boys did get rough with my kids at first and I put a very firm foot down. But I've found with these particular boys that they are so happy to have an adult actually care about them that they will toe the line. (Obviously not all kids everywhere will respond like these did. But I'm glad that I gave them the chance.)

 

ETA: Now that these boys are heading into middle school age, I will be extra diligent to make sure that things are safe and clean when they are around. I don't know how these kids will turn out. But hopefully we can be "lights" for these boys.

Edited August 6, 2010 by Jean in Newcastle

[Rhea]

We participated in a National Night Out bbq at our local park a couple of days ago. A bunch of the moms were standing around and complaining loudly about one 10 year old boy and his "gang" of boys who are not parented and run rampant around the neighborhood. The boys can be bullies. Just as I piped up and said, "Oh, those boys can be nice, if given a chance," the boy in question came and asked my permission to have some s'mores. When I said yes, the boys lined up for their treats. I have a good rapport with these boys (even though I don't know all of their names). I make firm rules with them and they respect them. I do spoil them a bit too (ie. s'mores at the bbq and for a couple of the boys who had not been fed at all, I gave them dinner.) I am not always available to them. I've told them 'no' when they've come knocking on the door but I usually can always spare them a few minutes to see their new mohawk or to listen to them tell me what they're up to. These boys did get rough with my kids at first and I put a very firm foot down. But I've found with these particular boys that they are so happy to have an adult actually care about them that they will toe the line. (Obviously not all kids everywhere will respond like these did. But I'm glad that I gave them the chance.)

 

ETA: Now that these boys are heading into middle school age, I will be extra diligent to make sure that things are safe and clean when they are around. I don't know how these kids will turn out. But hopefully we can be "lights" for these boys.

 

This brightened my outlook this evening. :001_smile:

[RamonaQ]

Jean- I really liked this perspective.

 

Also, I continue to teach my kids that you can not control people's behaviours, but you can control your response. Do you believe that you are worth running away from? Absolutely not, therefore, it doesn't really matter how others behave. Frankly, I have dealt with plenty of less-than-desirable behaviours but ultimately, I do know that my worth is far more than how anyone else treats me.

[Jumping In Puddles]

Thank you all for your insight, humor and perspective. :grouphug:

 

We baked cookies and when dh arrived home we all went for a bike ride and back to the house for dinner and some target practice (bb gun). :w00t:

 

DS7 ended up having a great afternoon with us, so at least some good came of this! Best of all, today, I'll be prepared to deal with the kids and their mothers. :D

[emubird]

Is it possible the neighbor mom was actually dealing with this in a positive way? Is there an indication that she never talked to the boys? Perhaps she did. And her suggestion that the OP's son play with the girls may have been an attempt to show the mean boys that if they're going to be mean, their playmates will just go off and play with someone else.

[Laurie4b]

I think part of it depends on whether being mean is an ingrained character issue for one of the kids who ends up the leader, or whether it was someone's "bright idea" who is otherwise generally a good kid (because generally good kids can come up with mean ideas sometimes.)

 

If you engage them in a kind but honest conversation about it, you'll be able to see who does and doesn't have a conscience and who the leader might be. One thing that you could do is to treat it as an offense against you. You were the one who answered the door, right? I would be kind but point out that they were not honest with what they asked . Ask them if they thought that was the right thing to do. Asking that question will kind of ferret out who has a conscience and who doesn't--by their body language and responses. Ask how they would feel if that happened to them. (Bullies need to learn to empathize.) If one answers, "I wouldn't care" (which is likely, actually), I would say, "Hmmm. That's not the way most boys would feel." and go around the group and ask each one. YOu might need to say, "Would that hurt your feelings?" The point of this exercise would be two-fold: 1) you will have better discernment as to whether there is a "bad apple" in the group or whether this was a bad decision by kids who have consciences and know what they did was wrong. Then you'll know whether you even want to pursue these relationships. 2) If it's the latter, then you're on your way to rebuilding the bridge. I would ask if anyone wanted to say sorry to you for not being honest with you and if you got a sorry, if anyone wanted to say sorry to your ds. Also, I would ask that they would agree to be honest with you when they came to the door the next time.

 

I think that this would work better than either showing anger toward them or doing nothing.

 

Obviously, the mom who saw it thought it was wrong but didn't discipline. You could also talk with the other moms about what happened.

[Jumping In Puddles]

Is it possible the neighbor mom was actually dealing with this in a positive way? Is there an indication that she never talked to the boys? Perhaps she did. And her suggestion that the OP's son play with the girls may have been an attempt to show the mean boys that if they're going to be mean, their playmates will just go off and play with someone else.

 

No, she never talked to the boys. Her 2 sons, 9 year old (ring leader) and 6 year old and the other boy, ran into the house when they saw me and ds walking over. I told her what happened and she told me she doesn't get involved. Don't play with them, she said to my ds, play with the girls who were being nice.

 

 

One thing that you could do is to treat it as an offense against you. You were the one who answered the door, right? I would be kind but point out that they were not honest with what they asked . Ask them if they thought that was the right thing to do.

 

Wow, that is exactly how DH suggested that I handle it.

 

I know these kids very well and I know the 9yo does not like my ds7. The younger brother and my ds would consider each other best friends. :001_huh: Despite this, these neighborhood boys are frequently not nice to my son BUT they are also frequently nice to him. :confused: So, some days they are friends and some days they are not.

[SproutMamaK]

I told her what happened and she told me she doesn't get involved.

 

WHAT?!?!?! Seriously? Um, that's what parenting IS, lady!

 

I can understand children behaving badly, but to say, "I don't get involved" as if they think that's somehow a valid parenting strategy is so asinine (heha - I made a typo there and the suggested word to replace it was "insane" - perhaps that's more appropriate) that I can't even comprehend it. What. On. Earth.

[Impish]

Rotten lil snots. :glare:

[beccad777]

Wow - tough neighbourhood if even DH's are scared to play out front.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Sorry - couldn't resist picking on your typo. Now you'll tell me to go home because I'm not playing nice..... :D

 

Too funny! :lol:

[Laurie4b]

[quote name=

 

I know these kids very well and I know the 9yo does not like my ds7. The younger brother and my ds would consider each other best friends. :001_huh: Despite this, these neighborhood boys are frequently not nice to my son BUT they are also frequently nice to him. :confused: So, some days they are friends and some days they are not.

 

How many boys are we talking about? Is the 9 year old a mean spoiled kid or an unhappy/insecure kid? Is he the oldest? Is he the leader?

[Jumping In Puddles]

How many boys are we talking about? Is the 9 year old a mean spoiled kid or an unhappy/insecure kid? Is he the oldest? Is he the leader?

 

3 boys. The 9 year old is an insecure kid who does not like my ds.

 

DS is friends with the 9yo's little brother. It was this little brother (age 6.5) who knocked on the door to see if ds could come out to play. 9yo and another neighbor (also age 6.5 and ds7's friend) waited in the street. When ds caught up with the kids, one of the 6yo shoved ds and said go away, then all three of them shouted "Yeah, go away, get out of here" and ran up to their house. When I started walking up with ds the other boys ran into the house.

[Guest Harmoey]

:lurk5: Achieve good communication, so as not to hurt the child's self-esteem. I advice you can buy video doorbell.

 

 

Distance makes the hearts grow fonder.

Edited September 26, 2010 by Harmoey

[Lizzie in Ma]

I am so sorry your little guy had his feelings hurt. :grouphug:

[Joy at Home]

That makes me so sad for your little guy:(

[Critter]

I was also thinking that finding a fun toy to play with in the front yard would be a good idea. Something like a model rocket; that always draws a crowd of boys in our neighborhood. And then admonish them that they are perfectly welcome to be included in your fun if they remember to be perfectly welcoming to others in their fun.

[Mary in VA]

This happened back in the beginning of August.

[Catherine]

I was the nicest Mommy on the block, talking to them, inviting them to share our goodies, playing games (read: supervising) with them and my kids when they were over. I took their power away by showing them that love, not bullying better than the bullies, is what makes the world go round.

 

The result is worth it. My ds realized that there was nothing attractive about these kids and found better friends. But I overheard one of them tell his mom he wished he was homeschooled.

[Hedgehog]

I'm sorry these kids were so horrid to your ds. :grouphug:

 

Boys are bad with the "toughen up" crap but just wait until you have to deal with preteen girls. They are the worst b****es ever.

 

You bet. We've had some nonsense with the young ladies round here - major fallings out, parents going to each other's doorsteps and shouting. :glare: The latest was when 10yo N refused to play with DD9, only wanting to play with DD10 (but still happy to "borrow" DD9's bike). So DD10 says, "sorry N, I always play with my sister so if you want to play with me, you also play with her." I love my kids. :D

[Miss Sherry]

There are some parents that will have a fit no matter what you say to their kids and simply will not deal with their kids bad behavior so you either have to keep those kids away from your kids or lay down the law with them yourself and let them know if they do xyz they are not welcome to come over and cannot play with your child.

 

We once had a couple of young boys that would throw rocks against the street in front of our house and throw rocks at our car. I had also seen one of them hitting another child with a sock full of rocks. Also they would get directly behind my car on their bikes as I was trying to back out of the driveway. So I would tell them to move out of the way. Like a couple of cry babies they went home and complained to their Mom and she came knocking on my door to tell me we needed to have a talk and started to come into my house - but because of her huffy attitude I stood in her way and did not let her in. I told her , no we don't need to talk because I am busy (I was packing to move ). She told me not to speak to her boys again if they were doing anything but to come over to her house to tell her. I said I am not going to take the time to come over to your house to talk to you and it they are throwing rocks at my car or in front of my house or get behind my car when I back out I am going to tell them to stop it. If you don't like it than you better watch them yourself and make sure they are not doing those things. I simply was not willing to let a couple of bratty boys block me into my own driveway or throw rocks in front of my house and at my car that could end up hurting someone or damaging my car. Some parents just need to stop being dumb.

[Hedgehog]

We once had a couple of young boys that would throw rocks against the street in front of our house and throw rocks at our car. I had also seen one of them hitting another child with a sock full of rocks. Also they would get directly behind my car on their bikes as I was trying to back out of the driveway. So I would tell them to move out of the way. Like a couple of cry babies they went home and complained to their Mom and she came knocking on my door to tell me we needed to have a talk and started to come into my house - but because of her huffy attitude I stood in her way and did not let her in. I told her , no we don't need to talk because I am busy (I was packing to move ). She told me not to speak to her boys again if they were doing anything but to come over to her house to tell her. I said I am not going to take the time to come over to your house to talk to you and it they are throwing rocks at my car or in front of my house or get behind my car when I back out I am going to tell them to stop it. If you don't like it than you better watch them yourself and make sure they are not doing those things. I simply was not willing to let a couple of bratty boys block me into my own driveway or throw rocks in front of my house and at my car that could end up hurting someone or damaging my car. Some parents just need to stop being dumb.

 

Good grief. Throwing rocks into your yard and at your car. :blink: I'll bet you were glad to be moving!

[lakotajm]

:iagree: Only in my head I said "little ....." something else that can't be posted.

 

 

 

Was it a compound word starting with "sh" and ending with "ds"?:D

'Cause that was my sentiment exactly!

 

Reminds me of a time at church when a young man my dd7 has a crush on (he is 10) was asked by her if he would go up to sing with her and the other children who usually sing for the congregation -of only about 30-right before the sermon. He said he would. She happily skips up there and he smugly sits down. UHUH-"Oh no you din'n!'" I calmly walked over to him and bent low to his ear and told him that he made a promise and a young gentleman does not go back on his word and so he had better get up there right now (with a soft but firm hand on his back gently pushing him that way as I spoke.)

 

Yeah, I'm a pain.;) But someone has to raise these critters. You go, girl!

 

Lakota

[Miss Sherry]

Good grief. Throwing rocks into your yard and at your car. :blink: I'll bet you were glad to be moving!

There were some much more serious problems than that with a different neighbor. That neighbor ended up in trouble with the FBI. That problem gave me nightmares for years after. Death threats were involved. It was a very tough 3 years. It's something I don't talk about a lot.