S/O Ultrasound gender disappointment

[texasmama]

We aren't discussing rational reactions, asta. Feelings aren't shallow; they just are. And quite often they can't be helped.

 

If I were being shallow I would have wallowed in self-pity over this. I did not. I wasn't pleased with my emotional reaction and set out to deal with it in a rational manner.

 

:iagree:And pouring guilt on oneself for having feelings is not helpful or productive. I haven't heard anyone on this thread say that they weren't able to work through their feelings and love/nurture their babies in the end, just that they experienced some transitory feelings.

 

I had a baby with a birth defect and though that was the main focus of the ultrasound and my feelings during pregnancy, I was also somewhat disappointed in the gender. Dh was very disappointed. We both recovered from this disappointment quickly, and we wouldn't change a thing about this child. I would never judge someone who simply had some difficult feelings about being pregnant or about the gender.

[AHASRADA]

I come from the other end of the spectrum of not being able to fathom someone *not* wanting to know the gender. I am an obsessive planner in all aspects of my life, and once I knew ds was a boy, I decorated his room, bought clothes and toys, and finalized our name choice. With dd, they weren't able to see her gender, and it drove me absolutely nuts not knowing! She was just moving into her brother's room anyway, so no major decorating issues, but I hated having to buy yellow and green clothes (yuck!), having to agree on two names (one was hard enough!). I even made up two announcements on my computer, so I could print out the correct one once she was born :lol:. I didn't have a gender preference at that point; another boy would mean a buddy for ds, a girl would mean "one of each". I already had ds's clothes if it was a boy, and since she was a girl, everyone had fun buying me all new pink stuff! It just killed me not to know who was inside me, if that makes any sense.

 

With the new baby, I couldn't wait to find out. Again, we already have one of each, and all the baby clothes and items are long gone, so it didn't really matter. A boy would be nice to continue alternating genders, but dd would love a little sister, and she would be the closer in age and more likely to play with and care for her. In the beginning, I was focusing on health issues, but once we were assured everything was fine, I wanted to know the gender. The tech didn't have any doubt, just said, "See the 3 lines, and from this angle, the donut shape? It's a girl". Dd is thrilled, big ds says it doesn't matter to him either way (since he'll be in college by the time baby dd is 4!) and dh's reaction? Another girl in the house? Can I go to college with you? :lol::lol:.

 

Honestly, I think we all expected it to be a girl. From the moment I announced the pregnancy, the kids started suggesting girl names, but no boy names came to mind. Still, I felt a bit of disappointment that I wouldn't be repeating the "boy experience" I had so long ago with ds. Dh and big ds are quite different, and I think he mourned a bit not having a 2nd chance at having a ds just like him (not that this would be guaranteed anyway). These are silly, irrational emotions that surface to mourn what will not be, before rejoicing in what is reality.

 

Personally, I would prefer to have these feelings now, get over them quickly, and get excited to meet our new addition, than to go through them in the highly emotionally-charged moments following birth.

 

BTW, after reading all the posts about the incorrect gender ultrasounds, I am strongly considering having a 3D just to be sure. Either that, or stop buying any more pink and try to think of a boy name, just in case ;).

[SproutMamaK]

Me and two of my siblings had a visible birth defect. There were no ultrasounds in the 1960s. I'm relatively certain my mom would have liked to have been "ready" for THAT. But gender? Has anyone here taken a step back and looked at how shallow being disappointed at gender is considering the infant mortality rate in the United States (a FIRST world country)?

 

Happy with a healthy baby,

 

 

asta

 

I'm perfectly happy, with my NOT healthy children, thank you very much. The feeling I had when I had boy #2 were actually very similar to getting a diagnosis for my kids. It's not shallow - it's having to give up a dream. When I found out about my kids issues, I had to change my ideas of what their futures might be and prepare myself for a different road than the one I'd thought I would be on. When I found out I was having boys, I had to change my ideas about the things I'd hoped to do with them (tea parties, pink dresses, etc) and replace it with something else. It's not that what you're faced with is worse, necessarily, with both the gender issues and their health & mental issues, but it's not what you were initially hoping for it to be, and that can be a bit of a shock. It's not shallow, it's normal. The gender of your children makes a BIG difference in what your life with them could be like looking forward that, and looking towards one future while letting go of another is anything BUT shallow.

[mamato3 all-boy boys]

I'm perfectly happy, with my NOT healthy children, thank you very much. The feeling I had when I had boy #2 were actually very similar to getting a diagnosis for my kids. It's not shallow - it's having to give up a dream. When I found out about my kids issues, I had to change my ideas of what their futures might be and prepare myself for a different road than the one I'd thought I would be on. When I found out I was having boys, I had to change my ideas about the things I'd hoped to do with them (tea parties, pink dresses, etc) and replace it with something else. It's not that what you're faced with is worse, necessarily, with both the gender issues and their health & mental issues, but it's not what you were initially hoping for it to be, and that can be a bit of a shock. It's not shallow, it's normal. The gender of your children makes a BIG difference in what your life with them could be like looking forward that, and looking towards one future while letting go of another is anything BUT shallow.

 

Well said. Bravo!

[AuntPol]

I cried when I found out my dd 1 was a girl. I really, really wanted a boy. Then of course, I felt guilty. I loved her though and she was the light of my life. Then I got pregnant and wanted a girl so she'd have a sister and had a boy. I didn't get upset about that. However, now I live with horrible parent guilt because I truly love my boy child more than my girl child. I don't want to but I do.

[ChrisOR]

I could quote reply after reply because I relate to so many words, phrases, and emotions.

 

I look forward to the "birth moment" wondering how it will be sweetly different this time without being surprised. Reading your stories reinforces my hope (and the truth!) that the moment will be good.

[Tree House Academy]

Yes and no. My older son is from my first marriage and we were both excited to find out he was a boy. The second child, from my current marriage, I really wanted a girl and my dh really wanted a boy. He wanted to name his son after his father who died when dh was only 21. I knew this meant a lot to him, so when we found out ds was a boy, I was happy for dh...but a little sad for myself. I so wanted to do a nursery in pink. LOL Seeing dh so happy, though, took away any disappointment I might have felt.

[Tree House Academy]

However, now I live with horrible parent guilt because I truly love my boy child more than my girl child. I don't want to but I do.

 

WHAT? Did I read that right??? You love one of your children MORE than the other? Oh my.:confused:

[asta]

I'm perfectly happy, with my NOT healthy children, thank you very much. The feeling I had when I had boy #2 were actually very similar to getting a diagnosis for my kids. It's not shallow - it's having to give up a dream. When I found out about my kids issues, I had to change my ideas of what their futures might be and prepare myself for a different road than the one I'd thought I would be on. When I found out I was having boys, I had to change my ideas about the things I'd hoped to do with them (tea parties, pink dresses, etc) and replace it with something else. It's not that what you're faced with is worse, necessarily, with both the gender issues and their health & mental issues, but it's not what you were initially hoping for it to be, and that can be a bit of a shock. It's not shallow, it's normal. The gender of your children makes a BIG difference in what your life with them could be like looking forward that, and looking towards one future while letting go of another is anything BUT shallow.

 

I think perhaps this is where I am differing on this thread: I had no preconceptions; I literally had no ideas planned out for the baby growing inside of me *to* replace.

 

I never assumed I would have a healthy baby (my mother's first child died, my sister's first baby had a birth defect). Everyone I knew was getting "gender ultrasounds" and I was the only one I knew who was not. Why? Because it wouldn't change the outcome of what was occurring. I had one u/s to establish a due date and that was it. I realize that is not everyone else's choice, but it was mine.

 

I didn't go out and buy a bunch of yellow and green clothes. I bought onesies. I had one name, the only name we agreed upon. If kid had been a girl, he would have been "Baby A" for awhile while we came up with a name. Baby A would have survived for a few days nameless while his parents dithered.

 

I guess I just never realized that people invested so much emotion in a technology that didn't even exist 30 years ago. It's strange to me.

 

I was happy to have a healthy baby because I never assumed I would have a healthy baby; the sheer number of things that have to go right to get to that point is phenomenal.

 

 

asta

[SproutMamaK]

I guess that IS where we differ. ;) I can't comprehend being pregnant and not dreaming about what life with a baby would be like, especially once you get to the stage where you're feeling the baby move, etc. I suppose life would be a good deal easier without that dream. I'm too imaginative and fantastical (as in "life of fantasy", not that I'm fantastic, lol) to not let my mind run amuck with possibilities. More power to you if you never let them run away with you. :D

[Lolly]

I'm perfectly happy, with my NOT healthy children, thank you very much. The feeling I had when I had boy #2 were actually very similar to getting a diagnosis for my kids. It's not shallow - it's having to give up a dream. When I found out about my kids issues, I had to change my ideas of what their futures might be and prepare myself for a different road than the one I'd thought I would be on. When I found out I was having boys, I had to change my ideas about the things I'd hoped to do with them (tea parties, pink dresses, etc) and replace it with something else. It's not that what you're faced with is worse, necessarily, with both the gender issues and their health & mental issues, but it's not what you were initially hoping for it to be, and that can be a bit of a shock. It's not shallow, it's normal. The gender of your children makes a BIG difference in what your life with them could be like looking forward that, and looking towards one future while letting go of another is anything BUT shallow.

 

Exactly!

 

WHAT? Did I read that right??? You love one of your children MORE than the other? Oh my.:confused:

 

Actually, this is very normal also. Our children are different and unique people (as are all living things). Each of us loves each of our children just a bit differently from each other child. Just like with nonfamily members, different personalities fit differently with each other. Some grate. Others meld seamlessly together. There are some children who are very difficult to love on a daily basis. Me, I love whoever is the easiest to parent at any given moment the most. :D Fortunately, as in every relationship, love is an ever changing dynamic. Its strengths tend to wax and wane at different time periods. What is important is that each of the children realizes that they ARE loved and special to each parent. For the original poster of the statement, you may find that as they get older, you become much closer to your more difficult child. I know my hardest to parent little one has been one of the easiest, most lovable teen on the planet. I always say that we got all our arguing/struggling out of the way when she was young.

[asta]

I guess that IS where we differ. ;) I can't comprehend being pregnant and not dreaming about what life with a baby would be like, especially once you get to the stage where you're feeling the baby move, etc. I suppose life would be a good deal easier without that dream. I'm too imaginative and fantastical (as in "life of fantasy", not that I'm fantastic, lol) to not let my mind run amuck with possibilities. More power to you if you never let them run away with you. :D

 

You completely, utterly misconstrued what I said.

 

I didn't say I didn't dream what life with a baby would be like. I said I didn't have any preconceptions. As in, I kept an open mind as to what the universe had in store for the child I was being given to raise.

 

No, I didn't plan my baby's nursery. No, I didn't go to the store and buy a year's worth of clothes. No, I didn't choose his preschool, his first this his first that........

 

I am so sick of the vitriol on this board. Fit in a box, everything is ok. Sit outside of the box, might as well move along.

 

 

asta

[SproutMamaK]

n/m

Edited July 31, 2010 by SproutMamaK

[Mejane]

 

I was happy to have a healthy baby because I never assumed I would have a healthy baby; the sheer number of things that have to go right to get to that point is phenomenal.

 

 

asta

 

I thought I was the only one with this mentality. I was simply amazed when my two were actually healthy and pronounced "perfect."

 

I also never planned to have more than two, no matter what the sexes were. I've seen too many people have baby after baby thinking "surely this one must be a boy/girl."

[AuntPol]

WHAT? Did I read that right??? You love one of your children MORE than the other? Oh my.:confused:

 

Unfortunately, I do. One is just so much easier to love than the other. I'm not sure why that is so (you would think my non-Aspergers child would be easier to love than my Aspergers?). Whatever causes it, I don't like it. I wish it were different. I do try to go out of my way to make sure I don't show favoritism. I actually think that when they get to adulthood, the roles will flip flop.

 

But hey, I have a favorite aunt, a favorite cousin (and definitely without a doubt a least favorite one), a favorite uncle, etc.

 

My parents each had favorites and I know that my mother loves my sister more than she loves me but I still feel loved. It is not overtly obvious and she always tried to hide it. I think it is just that my sister needed her more. On the otherhand, my MIL definitely has a favorite child and a favorite grandchild and it is very obvious to eveyone in the family. She doesn't try to hide it.

[jazzyfizzle]

Has anyone else, besides me, experienced disappointment over the gender of your unborn baby? And then the guilt over feeling disappointed over gender in spite of the healthy baby? I'm assuming others have since we moms have such complex emotions. :001_unsure:

 

QUOTE]

 

Yes, I will also admit to feeling this with our youngest son. I had always (also) wanted a daughter. When we went for an ultrasound my mother went along and mentioned that we were really excited, hoping for a girl. The tech did not answer. :tongue_smilie: I was looking at the screen and could see the 'jewels', so I said, 'It's a boy, isnt' it?' and the tech said yes.

My mother was very disappointed, she would not even participate in our conversation about names on the way home. I did feel some 'disappointment' as I felt this would be our last child. I had trouble with our second son, and little did I know it would get far worse with the third pregnancy.

 

I was happy, but just felt a longing for a daughter- which I do still have.

Later, our son and I both nearly died during his birth. I am thankful every day that he survived and is doing well.

I still long for that daughter, someday we may adopt or foster.

 

I felt the same guilt over even having such thoughts, and then everything we lived through. I think they may be a normal human response when a person has a certain ideal pictured in the mind. I am definitey not disappointed I had my beautiful boy.

[Tree House Academy]

Unfortunately, I do. One is just so much easier to love than the other. I'm not sure why that is so (you would think my non-Aspergers child would be easier to love than my Aspergers?). Whatever causes it, I don't like it. I wish it were different. I do try to go out of my way to make sure I don't show favoritism. I actually think that when they get to adulthood, the roles will flip flop.

 

But hey, I have a favorite aunt, a favorite cousin (and definitely without a doubt a least favorite one), a favorite uncle, etc.

 

My parents each had favorites and I know that my mother loves my sister more than she loves me but I still feel loved. It is not overtly obvious and she always tried to hide it. I think it is just that my sister needed her more. On the otherhand, my MIL definitely has a favorite child and a favorite grandchild and it is very obvious to eveyone in the family. She doesn't try to hide it.

 

That must be so hard! I mean, yes, I have one son who is easier to love than the other...but my love doesn't measure differently for them. I would give my life for each of them at any given time. I love different things about them - my older son is strong, fast, intelligent, handsome...but also mouthy, rude, and argumentative. My younger son is cute as a bug, sweet and loving, thoughtful and smart...but also whiney, spoiled, and defiant. Maybe you feel this way too about yours and are just describing it differently. I hope so. I always had hope I was wrong that my dad loved my sister more than me. I am pretty sure I wasn't wrong...but I was holding out hope that parents weren't allowed to love one kid more than the other. *bust* goes my bubble. LOL

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

Yep. We were surprised with the first two boys. Decided to find out during the ultrasound with #3. My oldest son was POSITIVE it was a girl (and badly wanted a baby sister). We weren't planning on having any more children. I came from a family of all girls. I'd had a most favorite girl name picked out for years and a stash of the most beautiful girl clothes just waiting to be used. And we found out we were having boy #3.... I felt guilty for being a little disappointed, but it was tough dealing with my oldest son and the expectation of EVERYONE when they asked if we knew what we were having. (My 3rd boy is an absolute delight, and the 3 boys are inseparable.)

 

Fast-forward 4 years... I find out I'm unexpectedly pregnant. I'm not mentally or emotionally prepared for another baby, but secretly hope it is a girl. But, again, the expectations of EVERYONE ELSE are almost overwhelming. I kept telling everyone that we don't make girls and the baby will most likely be a boy. I dreaded finding out it was boy #4 and fielding the reactions of everyone we told. It was all elation at the ultrasound when we found out it was a girl. God knew someone was missing in our lives. Funny how He knows what we need and when.....

[Jennifer in MI]

You know, when we were pregnant with our first, people kept asking what we wanted. We'd just say, "A baby!!" People would laugh and say something about how having a healthy baby was the important thing. My dh would stop them and talk about how even if this one wasn't healthy/perfect/whatever, we would STILL love him/her. We were blessed with four healthy babies. (Well, one has autism, but he's healthy!) But, we didn't "expect" it.

[Mommy22alyns]

I was disappointed when I found out I was having a second DD. For about a day. But we'd also discovered she had CPCs and I had placenta previa, so we had greater concerns. Now I can't imagine having a boy, and I'm really hoping for a third girl (and NO placenta previa)!

[Just Robyn]

I cried when I had ultrasound confirmation that my third ds was a boy. I didn't and don't feel guilty. My sadness from letting go of a strong desire to have a little girl has nothing to do with my love for my son. Being sad about not getting a girl does not mean I am not happy that I am getting a boy.

[AuntPol]

That must be so hard! I mean, yes, I have one son who is easier to love than the other...but my love doesn't measure differently for them. I would give my life for each of them at any given time. I love different things about them - my older son is strong, fast, intelligent, handsome...but also mouthy, rude, and argumentative. My younger son is cute as a bug, sweet and loving, thoughtful and smart...but also whiney, spoiled, and defiant. Maybe you feel this way too about yours and are just describing it differently. I hope so. I always had hope I was wrong that my dad loved my sister more than me. I am pretty sure I wasn't wrong...but I was holding out hope that parents weren't allowed to love one kid more than the other. *bust* goes my bubble. LOL

 

 

Oh I would give my life for either child. I do love my daughter a whole bunch. She is smart, gorgeous, full of life, and everyone loves her. She's an incredible child and we have a close relationship. I can totally see my daughter being my best friend when she is an adult though I do think the nearing teen years are going to be strained since she has my personality to a tee and I was hard on my mother in my teen years. As much as I love her, there is just something about my son. I can't explain it but there is powerful bond that goes deep and has since birth.

[texasmama]

Oh I would give my life for either child. I do love my daughter a whole bunch. She is smart, gorgeous, full of life, and everyone loves her. She's an incredible child and we have a close relationship. I can totally see my daughter being my best friend when she is an adult though I do think the nearing teen years are going to be strained since she has my personality to a tee and I was hard on my mother in my teen years. As much as I love her, there is just something about my son. I can't explain it but there is powerful bond that goes deep and has since birth.

 

I have a favorite child. I love them all, but one is my favorite. :001_smile: The favorite one happens to be the one who is most like me. I think we just mesh. The favorite one doesn't get any more time/attention than the others do. That is based on need, and that child's needs are not as great as the needs of some of the others.

 

My dh has a favorite child, too...a different one from my favorite. That child happens to be most like him. They understand each other. At one point or another in the past, I felt closest to each of them, though. It tends to change around. Right now, one needs me more than the others do. One is very hard for me to feel close to. One was the best baby/toddler ever, and I was totally in lala love with that one...but a different one is my favorite now. I believe it is normal to be more close to or drawn to one child than another. I also don't think it has anything to do with love but other factors. It sounds to me as though you love both of your kids but just feel closer to your son.:001_smile:

[Geek]

I am so sick of the vitriol on this board.

You're joking, right?

 

Has anyone here taken a step back and looked at how shallow being disappointed at gender is considering the infant mortality rate in the United States (a FIRST world country)?

I have no problem with people doing things "outside the box". (Actually I tend to wonder "What box?") And you may be right about people on this board preferring things to be thus and so. Probably so. But that's their right and it's their life, not yours or mine, to own.

 

I have a pretty tough skin, and calling my reaction to my baby's gender "shallow" isn't going to put a dent in it because my reaction isn't yours to judge. BUT--

 

As for vitriol, I haven't seen anything vitriolic in this entire thread, but your pronouncing an emotional reaction "shallow" is probably the closest thing to it. I don't know if you have ever experienced the specific situation and feelings that are being discussed in this thread, but if an individual had never experienced disappointment at a baby's gender yet pronounced such a reaction "shallow", I might be tempted to say "Pot, meet kettle."

 

I do get your point about gender not being a biggie in the big picture. Truly I do, and I agree with you. But as I've already pointed out, we are not dealing with rational thinking; we are dealing with emotions. We are not talking about the big picture; we are talking about the messiness of individual human life experience.

Edited August 1, 2010 by Geek

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Oh I would give my life for either child. I do love my daughter a whole bunch. She is smart, gorgeous, full of life, and everyone loves her. She's an incredible child and we have a close relationship. I can totally see my daughter being my best friend when she is an adult though I do think the nearing teen years are going to be strained since she has my personality to a tee and I was hard on my mother in my teen years. As much as I love her, there is just something about my son. I can't explain it but there is powerful bond that goes deep and has since birth.

 

I only have one right now, but I don't think I'll love any of my future children the same. She will be my only until she is 12 years old or so, and I was a young mom. We did a lot of growing up together. I'm finding my place in the world with her at my side. I'm also a single mom right now, so it is JUST us. On top of all that... she is so much like me it's ridiculous.

 

I think all parents love their children differently. By saying I'll never love another child the same as I do DD I'm not saying I won't love them, it'll just be different. I think that is the key word here... different. Not less, different! :D

[Mejane]

As much as I love her, there is just something about my son. I can't explain it but there is powerful bond that goes deep and has since birth.

 

I think you're very honest to admit this. I feel much the same way about my two. I dearly love my daughter, but as you said, there's just something about my son... :001_smile:

[Tree House Academy]

I am honestly surprised to hear so many of you admit that you favor one child over the other. I truly don't. I favor one's behavior over the other..sometimes. One child is a lot like me and tougher to take...but, at the same time, he was my first and is my challenge. I have one that is more "lovey" than the other - thus easier to "love on" but not necessarily easier to love. I truly can't say I have a "favorite" child. I love them both. I don't connect more with one that the other - they each connect to different parts of me.

 

Now, when I taught in ps, I sure had my "favorites" but I had more than one favorite. I had kids I hated to see coming too...but none of them were kids I gave birth to or carried for nine months as part of my body.