At what age do you let your kids

[JennifersLost]

decide what kind of relationship to have with an ex-spouse?

 

All three of my boys have their birthdays in March and April. This is one of the few times per year my ex gets in touch with them. He called on my first son's birthday and we weren't home. I told my son to call him back - he never did.

 

He also emailed my son. Son never emailed him back, either.

 

Same on second son's birthday. I haven't picked up the phone and dialed it and stuck it in their ear but I've nagged both of them a bunch to do it. Neither has.

 

Tomorrow is the third ds' birthday. I'm sure we'll get a call and all will speak to him and that will be the end of it until summer, but....

 

I'm not raising them to be rude. I'm not sure why this is happening. Just laziness or is there an issue?

 

My ex was fairly awful to me. He was better to the kids but there were issues there, too. Could they be deciding to not have a relationship with him? Do I honor that? Or do I try to keep it going?

 

They are 15, 13 and 11. I'm really struggling with this one.

[hsmom]

Personally I would honor what they want. I don't make my son have any more interaction with his father than he wants. (well and what the court says) I believe that yours are old enough to know whether or not they want a relationship with him. Just my opinion.

[Kate CA]

I came from a divorced home and I went through something similar. My father was not abusive or ugly - I was just not a priority. I knew that pretty early on. I don't recall my mom pushing the relationship because really it was *his* role to keep the relationship going with his child. In your sitution, they are his kids, but it seems like they are well aware how "important" they are to him and are returning the favor. It was hard on my mom to see the results of my father's actions on me because I mourned my dad for years. It was like a death to know that I was not important to my dad, but I also didn't have anyone to replace him.

 

From what you have written beforehand I think your dc have a pretty good relationship with their step-father, yes? If so, I would allow them to make the choices for their relationship with their bio dad. I would probably remind them once maybe and then drop it. It really is going to be their call to pursue someone who does not really wish to be pursued. I know what that is like and it just gets old.

[klmama]

Is he a fine man that your sons should respect, regardless of his problematic relationship issues with you, or is he really, really someone you'd prefer they never had to deal with... except that he's their father and you feel like they should? If he's a generally decent man who didn't know how to treat a wife, that's different than being a real creep, KWIM?

 

I know when I was a teen I went through a lot of anger at my dad over the divorce and his following choices, but my mom insisted that I keep a relationship with him, so I did. Now, 30 years later, I'm glad she made me maintain our relationship. He's still a little difficult to deal with at times, but he loves me and I love him. I only talk to him every 4-5 months, and we email every 2-3 months, and that's just right for us. YMMV, of course.

[klmama]

We can only speculate about what you should do, but unless you know why they haven't called him or written him back, you won't know their perspective. Maybe they don't want anything to do with him, or maybe they didn't feel like it when you told them and then they forgot. The first one may be angry at him and doesn't want to talk to him, and the second may not be angry but doesn't want to call back out of loyalty to the first, etc. You won't know until you ask, and any advice you get here will be purely speculative, based on our own experiences.

[Jill- OK]

...allowed me to decide when I wanted to talk to my dad, and when I didn't.

 

I went through a stage where I just didn't want to talk to him, and so I didn't. She also screened his calls to me a few times when he was, um, not really in any shape to be talking to me, and for the most part...I think she did the right thing. Well, she usually lied to him, which I don't think was right ("Uh...she's not here!"), but my grandmother is famously non-confrontational, and I guess that was just how she handled it, to avoid any 'scenes'.

 

My dad and I still ended up having a great relationship (much later, after his life got straightened out), and I appreciate someone honoring what I wanted.

 

I'd gently attempt to talk to them about it, of course, but...it might just be a phase. I don't see any harm in letting it happen.

[Peela]

I know when I was a teen I went through a lot of anger at my dad over the divorce and his following choices, but my mom insisted that I keep a relationship with him, so I did. Now, 30 years later, I'm glad she made me maintain our relationship. He's still a little difficult to deal with at times, but he loves me and I love him. I only talk to him every 4-5 months, and we email every 2-3 months, and that's just right for us. YMMV, of course.

 

This was my situation too. I was embittered at my father in my teens after my parents divorce, but in retrospect he wasnt that bad- he tried to do his duty, but his attention was elsewhere (another woman of course). I stayed in contact though, as hard as it was. I ended up with a better relationship with him than with my mum for a few years, but that's another story.

However, my dad didn't only call me for my birthday once a year! We had regular contact. I would say you ex is not a very involved father and I don't know if I would necessarily want to bother because the occasional phonecall is more or just a reminder of the relationship they don't have with him, which might be painful, rather than actually building a relationship. Unless he has tried or is trying to build a relationship.

I don't know how deep it runs with your kids or whether its worth it...its very personal, but I don't think you should feel guilty about whatever choice you make, and maybe you just need to stay open to changing your mind, too. You obviously care and are trying to be selfless about it...you can only be human.

[Harriet Vane]

I am a child of divorce, and I also grew up in a very unhappy family.

 

My father did not maintain a relationship with us, and no one knew where he was for many years. My mother did nothing to find him, and I cannot blame her for that. My father was an alcoholic--when I did meet him as an adult, shortly before he died, I could see why I was probably better off not having him around as a child. I agree with the other poster who asked what your ex is like--is he a creep? Is he the kind of person you would WANT your kids to be around and know if he were NOT their father? If not, then it would be very hard on children to be nagged or cajoled into working on a relationship with someone all of you sense to be unhealthy/negative.

 

My sister had a very, very painful relationship with our grandmother (who was heavily involved in caring for us and raising us on a daily basis for many years) and chose, for a time, not to have contact with her. My sister had ample reason for her choice. (Although to be fair, we learned in retrospect that my grandmother's bizarre behavior and words and control issues were due to dementia. We just didn't recognize it at first.) I pressured my sister to try to continue in relationship with our grandmother, and only ended up hurting MY relationship with my dear sister. In retrospect, I should have left it to her to sort it out.

 

It's a hard situation. I do not know your ex at all, so all I can offer is my own experience, and you will have to decide if the advice matches your situation or not. Sorry you have to deal with this--I recall other posts about managing your ex and feel badly that he has to be such a drain. :grouphug:

[Kelli in TN]

I was forced, by the courts, to see my father until I was about 12. At 12 my mom took me to a lawyer who said that if I just cut off all contact it would probably be okay. Even if he pressed it, the courts would probably listen to me at that point.

 

That's what I did. I had no contact with the man throughout my teen years except for one cup of coffee at a diner when I was in Illinois visiting my grandmother. I initiated it and I was in control of it.

 

I saw him at funerals and such after that. I would say we developed a real and solid relationship after my third child was born and I took the kids, by myself, to Illinois and stayed at his house. This was a huge act of courage on my part and it was incredibly healing. I remember watching my dad holding Sarah, she was less than a year old, while we sat in church and knowing at that moment that yes, after all, I loved him with all my heart.

 

Divorce catches kids in a nasty web. I think you have got to let kids, esp teens, work through it for themselves. It is not going to look the same in every case. This is their story, not yours, not your ex-husband's.

 

I am so grateful that my mom let me choose, that the lawyer advised us the way he did and that when I rejected my dad he did not push himself into my life. For my mom and my dad there was pain enough to go around, I am so glad that they did not choose to project that onto me.

 

(I am not saying you or your ex are trying to project anything onto your kids, I am only speaking of my experience in case there is something there you can use)

[Kate CA]

This was a good post, Kelli, and there is so much truth here. Divorce is just so hard on all involved but the worst of it falls on the children. I feel the full force of the grace of God in my life when I look back and see His hand upon me. It was a hard road but I was not alone. :)

[Joanne]

{{hugs to all hurt by divorce and the marriages that lead to it}}

 

Jennifer,

 

The answer is very situation specific. Your kids are old enough to choose their level of involvement. What it might represent is awful; but it seems to me that your xh is reaping as he sowed. (Substitute a spiritually significant principle to you - Karma, maybe? What goes around, comes around?"

 

Anyway, their less than enthusiastic involvment is not a reflection on you.

[JennifersLost]

Thanks for everyone's perspective so far. It does help.

 

I've been debating this question for about a month, because it goes back to one that reaches deeper. This man was a creep. It's hard for me to say that because I pride myself on being open and forgiving. It's also hard because many of his actions are confusing - were they done with choice and forethought? Or were they spur of the moment stupid choices that went badly.

 

He has had limited access to the kids because of constant drug use. He was very angry man and a very verbally abusive one. There are a lot of strange ways in which he endangered me without actually taking a swing at me, if you know what I mean.

 

But he loved the kids. He loved them. He was so proud of them. I have always done what I could to let them have a relationship with him while protecting them at the same time. Everyone always said that was so important.

 

I think the kids are realizing on their own that he's not much of a father. He gets in touch three times a year and that's it. I'm going to do nothing. I will be fine if he calls and they talk and I'll be fine if they don't. Thanks again for telling me your stories. It's never simple to figure this stuff out.

[Cheryl in NM]

I was 1 year old when my mother left my father because of drugs. She cut off all ties. When I was 5 he signed over his rights to me. I saw him and the courthouse and didn't even know who he was. He died when I was 9 and I was allowed to go the visitation at the funeral home. At that time his family was allowed to correspond with me via the mail. When I was 13 my mom let the family visit me, but it wasn't until I was an adult that spent some time with them. They have had the feeling that I was "stolen" from them and are bitter that they didn't get to be involved in my life as I was growing up. I, on the other hand, am very glad that I wasn't involved with them. That family has a ton of problems with drugs and the law. I glad I didn't have that influence growing up.

 

My mom married my "dad" when I was 5 and he adopted me. He raised me as if I was his own child and is who I consider my dad.

 

That was my experience. Here's my question though. When ds gets mad a his dad and doesn't want to spend time with him he doesn't have a choice because they live together. KWIM? If their dad is a good dad to them then the relationship is important and might need prodding. Although, from your post, it sounds like their dad is a out of sight, out of mind, out of the picture dad. In which case I would talk to dss and see what they are feeling. If their step-dad is filling the role of dad that's great!

[Valerie in Chicago]

My parents divorced when I was 8. After a few years, I started to figure out that my father was a jerk. And I let people know that I knew it. But all I got from the adults was, "there-there, he's your father and he loves you, he just has a hard time showing it." Funny. He didn't have a hard time dating other women, not sending child support, going on cruises and redecorating the house (note: my mom and two kids had to leave it because he wouldn't.) All while my mom lived paycheck-to-paycheck with two kids.

 

Just shy of 18, I finally dropped him and never looked back. And people FINALLY took me seriously about it and respected my decision. It was the healthiest thing I ever did. Needless to say, my two fantastic children do not know him. I think I can count on one hand the number of times that he's seen them.

 

So, of course, as has been stated in other responses, only you know in your heart of hearts the specifics of your situation. But if they seem to have accurate information about their father and are making their decisions based on that, then my humble suggestion is to hear them out about it. And then trust and respect their conclusions.