Do you feel as though you have to give an explanation...

[Holly in FL]

Do you feel like you owe an explanation to someone who asks why or why not you do something in home schooling...or, why you are not having your child participate in something for church?

 

Sometimes I do...sometimes I don't. I wish I had a "pat answer" to give that would not make me come off as "better than thou." I don't want to sound that way because I surely don't feel that way. Some activities are right for our family...others are not.

 

Thanks!

~Holly

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I used to, but then I heard this phrase:

 

"When you say NO to something you are saying YES to something else".

 

So true. So very, very true. Anytime I feel the need to explain our decisions, actions, etc. I review that simple phrase. It covers so much.

 

Clutter? By getting rid of this stuff (saying NO to its presence in my life) I am saying YES to something else (peace of mind, more space, less stress,etc.)

 

The older I get the less I care what people think about me/my family/my decisions.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It depends on who the person is. For some people (family or close friends), I will explain the reason behind it. Because they know us and our family well, they will usually see how it really was best for our kids. If it is a general acquaintance I'll use the "it just doesn't work out for our family right now" explanation.

[Holly in FL]

Thanks, ladies!

 

I agree...as I have gotten older...not being so concerned about what others think of the decisions we make for our family. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Smiles!

 

~Holly

[beccad777]

Many times I do, but I like to know the why behind things and actions. There is a family in our church who also homeschools, but she doesn't want to talk about it or what they use. She also keeps her kids away from other kids in our church in what I would consider to be an odd way. She does have twins with special needs, but it's the other 2 that she is odd with. I don't know. I wonder sometimes when she pulls her kids away if I have offended her. :confused:

 

So, because I like to know why people do things, I tend to explain myself so that they won't wonder. :)

[lionfamily1999]

Unless I opened that can of worms, I don't owe them an explanation. I'm learning to stop at "we can't" or "we couldn't." If they follow up, I've learned to shrug, smile and say, "You know how it is."

[abbeyej]

...Some activities are right for our family...others are not.

 

I think that's really the key. And unless there's some reason for me to go into detail, I usually say things like, "Oh, it's just working really well for our family right now." "It seems to be the right choice for our family right now."

 

And, on the other side, "We just weren't able to make that work right now." "That just won't fit in with our lives/schedule right now."

 

There are indeed times when a more detailed explanation is necessary. But certainly not always...

[Barry Goldwater]

Do you feel like you owe an explanation to someone who asks why or why not you do something in home schooling...or, why you are not having your child participate in something for church?

 

Sometimes I do...sometimes I don't. I wish I had a "pat answer" to give that would not make me come off as "better than thou." I don't want to sound that way because I surely don't feel that way. Some activities are right for our family...others are not.

 

Thanks!

~Holly

 

Sounds like that right there should do it, for 95% of the cases.

[Ellie]

No. Even if I feel as if I do, I don't explain. I just say "no."

[Ginevra]

Do you feel like you owe an explanation to someone who asks why or why not you do something in home schooling...or, why you are not having your child participate in something for church?

 

I don't feel that I owe anyone an explanation; we homeschool because we obviously want to make our own decisions about what we do and why. I will give someone an explanation if they ask a direct question, but how much detail I answer with depends partly on who is asking and what their tone is. Sometimes I diffuse something with, "Oh, I'm just quirky like that," or "Oh, that's my OCD showing itself." ;) That's usually my standard fare when I'm dealing with someone unschoolish who questions our structure.

 

I have been known to avoid having a big philosophical debate by making an excuse. A friend of mine was running VBS at church and I didn't want my kids to go, for both time-use reasons and philosophical reasons. I simply told her we had other things planned. In reality, we planned other things because I wasn't doing VBS, but knew it couldn't go anywhere good to get into a debate with this friend.

[FaithManor]

No, I may give an explanation if I feel the person is very interested in a non-judgmental way, as to how we arrived at our decision. I sometimes get these questions from homeschooling parents who are just getting started.

 

As for church, absolutely no...my pat response is, "This is what is right for our family." However, our pastor and his wife will be homeschooling their children (oldest is four so they haven't started formal schooling yet) and many times he is just genuinely interested in why we choose not to participate in this or that. We have a great church but there are some programs we aren't keen on and the older his little girl gets, the more he realizes that he isn't so thrilled with some of the kids classes or activities that seem to be "near and dear" to the church board's heart. So, he is facing that tough choice of "should she participate or not". Therefore, I always answer him or his wife very honestly. But others, I don't go there.

 

Faith

[Holly in FL]

Smiles! I like that!

 

~Holly

[Holly in FL]

Sure...I like to know, also. I just don't like it when people try and "make me feel quilty" for my decision. I've done nothing wrong by making a decision that is right for my family...I'm not guilty of anything.

 

Smiles!

~Holly

[Holly in FL]

Thanks!

~Holly

[Holly in FL]

Smiles! Thanks for pointing out the obvious! HA!!

 

~Holly

[Holly in FL]

Thanks!

 

It's usually with church related activities where I "feel" I need to tread lightly. Not everything is a fit for our family.

 

Smiles!

~Holly

[OnTheBrink]

Not only do I not feel an obligation to explain that kind of thing, I have in the past encouraged people to take their children OUT of things that have created stress for them. Things like Christmas programs, and youth events. Just because you CAN attend such things doesn't mean you HAVE TO.

 

I'm a REBEL! :lol:

[Holly in FL]

Rebel...I'll join the cause! Smiles!

 

I like what you said about just because they are available doesn't mean we have to participate.

 

Thanks

~Holly

[Heidi7Sue]

Do you feel like you owe an explanation to someone who asks why or why not you do something in home schooling...or, why you are not having your child participate in something for church?

 

Sometimes I do...sometimes I don't. I wish I had a "pat answer" to give that would not make me come off as "better than thou." I don't want to sound that way because I surely don't feel that way. Some activities are right for our family...others are not.

 

It depends on many things. First, if they homeschool, or are considering it, I assume they are trying to figure out what will work for them, and I give as much information as I think will be helpful, which is usually a lot. (I like lots of info when I'm making decisions, so I probably flood other people with more than they know what to do with.)

 

If it seems that they are not trying to solve their own problems but really asking about me, then it depends on whether or not it is a friend. Friends ask about each other's lives, and they often ask why. It helps to get to know a person if you understand why they do things. So I'm fairly open even to people I don't consider friends yet but who seem to be asking in a "get to know you" sort of way.

 

If I'm being grilled, I owe no explanation whatsoever. If I need a polite way to make them go away, I might answer that I have ADD and cannot have as many balls in the air as other people and still expect to function.

[Laurie4b]

Do you feel like you owe an explanation to someone who asks why or why not you do something in home schooling...or, why you are not having your child participate in something for church?

 

Sometimes I do...sometimes I don't. I wish I had a "pat answer" to give that would not make me come off as "better than thou." I don't want to sound that way because I surely don't feel that way. Some activities are right for our family...others are not.

 

Thanks!

~Holly

 

I view church relationships as akin to family relationships, so I would answer in a way that is honest but promotes relationship . For instance, people may be asking just out of curiosity or to see what I think about something or because maybe they are sad that my dc aren't participating because they looked forward to them doing so or because they wonder if our family is distancing itself from them or the fellowship. My answer would be tailored to what I perceive motivated the question. If my kids weren't going because I was uncomfortable with something, that's what I'd say. "I'm not comfortable with that." That doesn't mean that I'm judging others who are comfortable. If I'm trying to keep our outside activities down, I'll say that with the addition of a positive remark about the event/activity: " I think the kids' choir is great and I would really love them to be able to participate (ie we are not distancing ourselves and I affirm what you are doing) , but I've found we're at our limit with one sport and music lessons."

 

I know people who habitually answer others with those "general answer" type remarks and it distances them from others. The recipients "get it": "I don't care to discuss this with you. " The reason that creates distances in relationships is because often people are asking because they wanted relationship at some level: they wanted your opinion or your fellowship, or to know that everyone was sharing a common experience. Their question is often something like: "Will our dc get to do this together?" or "Do you still like us/me?" or "Are we still in this together?" or "Are you starting to withdraw? I hope not!" And if you answer with an answer that says, "I'm not particularly interested in this line of discussion," then it creates distance. Yes, it could be that they want to judge you and control you. I just haven't found that to be as common as people asking for one of a number of relationship reasons. Personally, I prefer to give question-askers the benefit of the doubt. For me, the only reason for a general answer would be if I had previously tried to answer someone and they've been judgmental or pushy after I've answered.

 

As an example of asking for relationship: a friend who doesn't homeschool shared with me last night that she asked what she thought was a question to start a conversation at a meal with extended family. Her brother- and sister-in-law had previously shared that they intended to unschool their rising k child. However s-i-l had since become pregnant in the meantime. My friend asked whether they were still planning to homeschool given that they'd have a newborn. Her motivation was to generate some conversation. Had her question been answered with a "Yes. We think this is what's best for our family," it would have been a rebuff to her actual interest in their plans.

 

I think sometimes we homeschoolers are touchier than we need to be about questions, possibly because if we've been questioned in a negative way a couple times, we can too quickly generalize it.

 

"Not caring what others think" may mean a person is willing to persevere with what they think is right despite others not agreeing; it can also be a posture of distancing oneself from community. There is a line of discernment to walk, I think, especially within a church community.

Edited July 13, 2010 by Laurie4b

[Holly in FL]

This is excellent. Thank you!

 

~Holly