The birds and the bees.....

[Melenie]

What do you tell your kids and at what age?

 

DD6 has been asking for years now and I want to be as truthful as possible, but also age appropriate.

 

When DD6 was 3 and DD3 was born she wanted to know how the baby would come out. I told her that the doctor would help her out. That worked for about a week then she wanted to know how he would do it. We found a book that explains that the baby comes out of a birth canal. That led to her asking where the canal was and eventually I explained to her where the baby exits. She seemed comfortable with that and asked only minor questions after that.

 

Different discussions over the years about animals and where eggs come from, where our puppy came from and who the mommy was and so on led to more discussions.

 

This year we are doing the human body and obviously I plan not to cover reproduction, but we have several body related books that DD pours over all day long. I especially did not buy the WTM recommended for 1st grade (forgotten the name now), because it gives too much detail in my opinion and is not appropriate for a 6 year old. I have ordered the DK First Human Body Encyclopedia as it only refers to the female egg being fertilized and gives no further details how.

 

Last week she saw a fly sitting on top of another at our riding stables and said that the one was fertilizing the other flies eggs. :001_huh: Yesterday she asked me how the eggs get fertilized and I started telling her that it was a complicated process. She told me to read a bit more about it and let her know....:lol: I have been dreading the “how the baby gets inside” questions.

 

So now what do I do? I feel completely unprepared for this!! I really think that she is too young for the birds and the birds talk, but how can I not answer her questions?

 

Any thoughts? How have you handled this with the younger ones?

TIA

[Terabith]

If she's asking, you need to answer as honestly and as completely as she wants. It's not age inappropriate to know the answers to such things. It won't destroy her innocence. Not telling her will, however, lead her to assign much more weight to this topic than other topics of interest and make her wonder what the fuss is about. Telling her the facts and answering her questions now will make her more likely to come to you when she's older. Plus, I honestly think that having the facts as matter of fact information from a young age takes a lot of the mystique out of s*x and in the long run promotes innocence.

[Joanne]

From birth until my death. I talk to my kids about nutrition, death, God, drugs, stewardship, sin, love, keeping promises and how to do laundry and make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

 

It's all baggage; there is no inherent reason to keep intellectual knowledge of biology from children or even to wait "until they ask".

[Jenny in Atl]

From birth until my death. I talk to my kids about nutrition, death, God, drugs, stewardship, sin, love, keeping promises and how to do laundry and make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

 

It's all baggage; there is no inherent reason to keep intellectual knowledge of biology from children or even to wait "until they ask".

 

Sounds good to me. :001_smile:

[BikeBookBread]

Innocent does not have to mean naive. Knowledge does not mean the end of innocence.

 

Building information layer upon layer seems to be the the best way to get the message across - from the very beginning. Having one huge "talk" (like my parents did with me) really can mess with a kid's mind (it did me for years...that TALK freaked me out...).

 

It starts young. Don't use euphemisms for body parts -- use the real names. When it comes down to basic anatomy, how is a nose or arm different than any other part of the body? Why should any body part be given a stupid name like a "hee haw" or "bam bam"? (These are names I have HEARD friends use!) Once the anatomy is explained, other questions can be answered, and explanations given much more naturally.

 

I think that the fly incident would have been a VERY natural and easy way to broach the subject. Given everything I've said, I'm still a big fraidy cat about it (because of the way it was communicated to me). I wish a fly would come along and help me out :)

[Melenie]

Thanks for your replies. I want her to be able to talk to me about everything and here I am presented with the perfect opportunity to show her and I am chickening out! My parents never had the talk with me so I feel ill prepared.

 

I am sure that we will have many more opportunities - not quit like the fly incident, but DD is very interested in the anatomy of animals and humans so there will be others.

 

Thanks again and keep the replies coming, I feel like I am getting a pep talk and I am in need of one!

[Lovedtodeath]

Good thread topic! I find it odd that in the past there was less fornication but there had to be more openness. They owned farm animals and lived in one room houses. I am having trouble figuring things out because we are used to being comfortable in states of undress. Also, Emily has to know what we are doing because we had to have a very stern talk with her about moms and dads needing alone time. Otherwise we can't get even 3 minutes. I am uncomfortable with her knowledge of what those body parts are for and her knowledge of what we are doing... should I not be?

 

BTW OP, Usborne has a book that is very good on this topic. I think it is called Where do Babies Come From? It is scheduled in Sonlight Science.

[Melenie]

I am uncomfortable with her knowledge of what those body parts are for and her knowledge of what we are doing... should I not be?

 

This part is my biggest obstacle. We are very open in terms of being naked in front of the kids. I do not want her to have to think about this topic when she sees DH naked.

 

Thanks for the book suggestion, I will check it out.

 

ETA: We do not walk around naked in the house all day, but the kids can walk into our bathroom as DH is getting dressed and there is no shame for us in that.

Edited June 13, 2010 by Melenie

[Lovedtodeath]

 

This part is my biggest obstacle. We are very open in terms of being naked in front of the kids. I do not want her to have to think about this topic when she sees DH naked.

Exactly.

[myfunnybunch]

I just explained when I was asked. We did a short simple unit on reproduction when we studied the human body, and my boys asked flat-out how the whole process worked. I told them. (My 7 y.o. already knew most of it, because he'd asked one day.)

 

Their response, "Oh. Cool." That was enough for them, so we moved on.

 

For the children it's not a loaded issue. It's another body process like the heart pumping blood or our lungs taking in oxygen. Sometimes if we avoid or skirt an issue we give it more power than if we just address it simply and openly.

 

:grouphug: My parents never talked to me either. Not a peep. It has been awfully uncomfortable for me to talk about sex to my children. But by the time my girls were teens, they knew the basics and we'd established a habit of talking, which has proven invaluable.

 

Cat

[Mejane]

Innocent does not have to mean naive. Knowledge does not mean the end of innocence.

 

 

 

Exactly. Nor does having knowledge mean the 'knower' is going to run out and do all the things he/she knows about. I think people (in general) would be much more forthright about such issues if they would get over that assumption.

[TracyP]

For the children it's not a loaded issue. It's another body process like the heart pumping blood or our lungs taking in oxygen. Sometimes if we avoid or skirt an issue we give it more power than if we just address it simply and openly.

 

Cat

 

Yes, that is it exactly. We have had a lot of opportunities to talk about where babies come from and I just answer honestly. I am always so nervous but my dd just takes it in - no biggie. It is getting easier though. I am starting to think it is no biggie too. It's just doing what our bodies were made to do.:001_smile:

[Irene Lynn]

Each of our experiences color our approach to the subject, so I will tell you a little bit of my background. I figured things out pretty early. My big sister was learning at school, but she was 5.5 years older than me. Somehow I already had a good idea and since my mother had made her promised not to tell me, I convinced her that it wouldn't be telling if she just confirmed what I was already thinking. :D I was right. Anyway, I know my mother talked to me about some things when I was a teen, but basically, I "always" knew. It wasn't something that we talked about. Fast forward. I became a nurse and loved the teaching part of it. I enjoy science and our bodies are just one of the many fascinating aspects of it.

 

I became a rehab nurse on a spinal cord unit. I had to teach many people to catheterize themselves, so I learned to be very factual and comfortable with talking to people about how they were made, while we both looked. One of the things that influenced me was talking to a dear elderly lady, who had been brought up that it wasn't polite or proper to look at herself "down under". That was hard. Part of the process of teaching involved getting a mirror and showing how to cath, but with her I had to go through and explain her different parts so she would know what she was doing and could correct her own mistakes. She did not know exactly where she urinated! Soooo, when my dear darling daughter, who loved to run naked and loved scientific facts wanted to know more, I simply asked her if she wanted to see. She did and felt no shame at that age. I knew I wouldn't be doing this with a teenager!!, so this was the best chance I would have to make sure she understood her own body. I did NOT want her to be a grown woman without a solid knowledge of her own anatomy. I showed her where the urine exits and where her vagina was, though she was barely able to see it. I told her that was the amazing part about it, that our bodies change and grow and are capable of a lot more change, just so we can be blessed with children. We don't have to be afraid of it changing for any other reason, because we have hormones that make it change only when it needs to do it. Isn't that cool??!! Then just as easily I would talk about other types of growing and changing that our amazing bodies do. We get bigger teeth and loose our smaller ones, our bodies also know how to keep growing longer bones and bigger muscles and more skin, until it is time to stop, then our bodies stop. Dd also learned about menses early. I tried not to be tooo obvious about my own menses, but I didn't hide it altogether, either. I made sure she knew it wasn't blood in the traditional way of looking at it, but that it was another cool way our bodies are made. It was a special way for our bodies to keep a nice clean home ready for a baby to grow. In other words it wasn't scary, but it was private, just like anything that is kept in our underwear. :) (She was apt to share too much! lol)

 

Once dd got past the run naked stage, she turned into a very conservative dresser. The kind who buttoned every last button up to her neck! She is finally loosening up into a conservative, but natural look.

 

Don't worry! Just teach the amazing science and be thrilled together about the wonder of it all. I talked to dd about the other relational and spiritual and emotional aspects later. I just had fun with science facts early on.

[Jenny in Atl]

Good thread topic! I find it odd that in the past there was less fornication but there had to be more openness. They owned farm animals and lived in one room houses. I am having trouble figuring things out because we are used to being comfortable in states of undress. Also, Emily has to know what we are doing because we had to have a very stern talk with her about moms and dads needing alone time. Otherwise we can't get even 3 minutes. I am uncomfortable with her knowledge of what those body parts are for and her knowledge of what we are doing... should I not be?

 

BTW OP, Usborne has a book that is very good on this topic. I think it is called Where do Babies Come From? It is scheduled in Sonlight Science.

 

 

I don't understand the difference between knowing that daddy's penis ejects urine, but not okay to know it also ejects semen?

 

I knew how and where babies came from (both the animal/plant world version & the human) from a very young age. I saw my dad & brothers in the natural state, from time-to-time (getting dressed/changing from the beach, just normal stuff) and I never sat there thinking about their body parts or what they did with them. It was the same for my mother.

 

Both my girls have also been raised the same, and I dare say they are much less interested in all the hushed sex/body gossip that I so often hear at camp, from other kids their age. My youngest finds it very boring, except when it's hawks in our backyard participating in a mating ritual. Then her science mind turns on and all you hear is a non-stop Animal Planet like dialogue about what's happening. :lol:

[Lovedtodeath]

Thanks Jenny. She already knows it ejects semen. The part that I have neglected to tell her is why penises get hard and stiff. She thinks that it means that they have to pee. She sees her baby brother like this and tells me he has to go. I don't know that I want her to realize how the male and female body parts go together. Then again, with some of her puzzlement, curiousity and fear surrounding sex, maybe I should spell it out for her. If I do, then do we have to get more conservative about nakedness around here?

[Melenie]

Don't worry! Just teach the amazing science and be thrilled together about the wonder of it all. I talked to dd about the other relational and spiritual and emotional aspects later. I just had fun with science facts early on.

 

This is it for us. DD is not interested in the rest, it is the how does it work and why. It is my own fears of how it will make her feel and think about herself and others that stop me from answering the facts about it all.

 

Thanks!

[myfunnybunch]

It is my own fears of how it will make her feel and think about herself and others that stop me from answering the facts about it all.

 

Remember, as adults living in a sex-saturated society, our experiences color how we see what's really a simple biological process. Your dd will likely not think of herself or others any differently.

 

Although my dd, when very young (almost 3?), spent a grocery store trip saying loudly despite my shushing, "There's a man. He has a p*nis! That's a lady. She has a bagina! Mom, does that person have a p*nis or a bagina?" :blushing: At least your dd is old enough not to do that.

 

Cat

[Jenny in Atl]

Then again, with some of her puzzlement, curiousity and fear surrounding sex, maybe I should spell it out for her. If I do, then do we have to get more conservative about nakedness around here?

 

But why? It's natural... most all living things make babies in one way or another. I think if it's done in a matter-a-fact way, it's often much less upsetting then learning it from a friend or even worse, an imagination run wild. Does she look at your mouth differently, just because she sees you kiss your husband? Or maybe she has never seen you kiss?

 

We've placed so much mystery on the actual sex-act (which in reality is kind funny) that it gives it much more "power" than it should have.

In the end we all must do what we are comfortable with, but I do find it sad that so many of us, give that power of knowledge to others (the media, friends, etc) instead of being open and comfortable with what is just another aspect/function of being human.

[Pretty in Pink]

I will be having this discussion with ds11 when he gets home next week. I've known the time was coming for him; he is already interested in girls. I was planning to let my dh handle the discussion when he returns from deployment this fall.

 

The other day, however, my six and four year olds came to me with their human body book (the Kingfisher one) and opened it to the page on reproduction. My six year old stared wide-eyed, mouth gaping, and demanded to know if 'it' was true. I didn't realize that the book contained specific information like that (it says something to the effect of, "...the male puts him _____ in the female's _____."). My kids were disgusted! LOL

 

Anyway, it was a simple conversation with them and not at all awkward. I'm wishing I had been so up front with my oldest son. I think it will be awkward (for him) to have this talk with me at 11 years of age.

[Penelope]

I understand because my kids have all the matter of fact egg-sperm, what the body parts are for and the correct terms, how ababy is born, from a young age, but haven't spelled out for them yet how it all actually works (they haven't asked either). One reason is probably my discomfort and also some concern that they will go talking about it with friends. I know that many families don't tell their children until it is time for "The TALK" at age 11 or 12, so if my kids are going to know I'd rather they also be old enough to understand that they don't need to discuss it outside the family.

 

As an aside I'd be careful about the freedom with nakedness with the parent of the opposite gender of the child. I know from experience and talking to others that can be awkward and uncomfortable later on when children were old enough to remember what dad (or mom if it is a boy) looks like without clothing. I don't think it has to be a shameful thing but on the other hand there is nothing wrong with saying that we close doors when we change clothes or are in the shower and need to learn to knock. Being casual about nakedness may be fine for many families but I think there comes an age where it isn't as appropriate.

Edited June 14, 2010 by Penelope

[Jenny in Atl]

Being casual about nakedness may be fine for many families but just remember that some children might not look back and feel great about that some day.

 

Something about this statement is disturbing. Are you alluding to abuse? Or is it that mom, dad, and siblings weren't super models, and had less than perfect physiques?

[Lovedtodeath]

Jenny, I really appreciate your input in this thread.

 

I was allowed to talk to my dad when he was in the bath or getting dressed and I remember doing so. I thought nothing of it at the time or I wouldn't have. The fact that I was old enough to remember it was awkward simply because it is rare that people are open about nakedness, so I just assumed it was weird. I am okay with that. It was a momentary discomfort. And you know, looking back on my own childhood and amount of knowledge on matters has helped. I knew a lot about sex at a young age (not that my parents knew) and it didn't make me look at my dad any differently.

[Melenie]

 

As an aside I'd be careful about the freedom with nakedness with the parent of the opposite gender of the child. I know from experience and talking to others that can be awkward and uncomfortable later on when children were old enough to remember what dad (or mom if it is a boy) looks like without clothing. I don't think it has to be a shameful thing but on the other hand there is nothing wrong with saying that we close doors when we change clothes or are in the shower and need to learn to knock. Being casual about nakedness may be fine for many families but just remember that some children might not look back and feel great about that some day.

 

I understand where you are coming from, but I see a big difference in cultures (not being American born) in regard to this issue. The naked form is a non-issue for us. No one parades around naked in our house, but if a child is comfortable to enter a room where there is a naked parent, I see no issue. However, naturally as the child becomes older he/she will become more aware and prefer to avoid this situation. This is also the time that the parent has to be sensitive to the child's feelings. Fortunately this has not yet happened in our home and I expect that we will see that closer to 10 than 6.

[Penelope]

Something about this statement is disturbing. Are you alluding to abuse? Or is it that mom, dad, and siblings weren't super models, and had less than perfect physiques?

 

No not at all to either question. "Not feel great about it some day" isn't implying abuse, just mild uncomfortable-ness as a teen or young adult.

 

I only said that because I have had people tell me that they remember the opposite gender parent changing in front of them or wandering in and out of the bathroom without clothes and they felt uncomfortable or wished for more privacy.

 

Maybe part of it is what LovedtoDeath talked about, that children don't see it as anything unusual because it is normal to them, but then they grow up a little and start comparing experiences and remember their own and think it's odd. Maybe it's then that they decide they feel strange about it, I'm not sure. Yes I do live in America and I have always heard we are prudish. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm not saying anyone that posted is wrong or that I would worry about it with a young child. Personally I have chosen to be more proactive about nudity past a certain age just because I don't know when they are going to start to be uncomfortable.

[Snowfall]

Although my dd, when very young (almost 3?), spent a grocery store trip saying loudly despite my shushing, "There's a man. He has a p*nis! That's a lady. She has a bagina! Mom, does that person have a p*nis or a bagina?" :blushing: At least your dd is old enough not to do that.

 

Oh my gosh, I am SO glad I'm not the only person in the world whose child did that. My DD was only about 2, though. She'd seen her father and I both naked, so she knew that boys are different than us, and have the penis and scrotum, while we have the vagina and vulva. Yeah, so she spent a few weeks pointing at people and saying, "Penis," or "'Gina," every time we were out at the store or anywhere. Loudly. :blushing: Oy.

[Jenny in Atl]

No not at all to either question. "Not feel great about it some day" isn't implying abuse, just mild uncomfortable-ness as a teen or young adult.

 

I only said that because I have had people tell me that they remember the opposite gender parent changing in front of them or wandering in and out of the bathroom without clothes and they felt uncomfortable or wished for more privacy.

 

Maybe part of it is what LovedtoDeath talked about, that children don't see it as anything unusual because it is normal to them, but then they grow up a little and start comparing experiences and remember their own and think it's odd. Maybe it's then that they decide they feel strange about it, I'm not sure. Yes I do live in America and I have always heard we are prudish. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm not saying anyone that posted is wrong or that I would worry about it with a young child. Personally I have chosen to be more proactive about nudity past a certain age just because I don't know when they are going to start to be uncomfortable.

 

Then following your line of logic, you should not be homeschooling. Since only a tiny minority in this country choose to do it, you run the possibility that your children as young adults will look back on their education with shame and discomfort, since most of their friends were not educated in the same manner.

 

Is this really the kind of kids we want to raise? Kids so fragile that any difference might become an easy source of shame or ridicule. This can be said of your faith/lack of, the type of clothing you choose to dress them with (modesty), etc.

 

Yes, the US is uptight, and in all the wrong ways. We freak out if a three year-old points to a body part and calls it by name in public, but see no issue (and I'm not talking about the majority on this board) with Victoria Secret Billboards. This odd duality of shame and obsession for the human form, only seems to feed the sexualization of all aspects of our being.

[katemary63]

Well, how'd THAT happen? I tried to make a new thread and somehow sent it here. Sorry.

[NanceXToo]

My daughter asked about that stuff at around age 5. I sat down and read a book with her (it was a Dr. Ruth book geared toward kids). I told her if she had any questions to let me know. She said: "Thanks for telling me about where babies come from!" and skipped off to play. Periodically after that she'd ask me if she could look at the book again. I'd say yes. She'd read it and give it back to me to put on the shelf.

 

I recently had a funny/interesting conversation with my 4 1/2 year old son. Check this out if you're so inclined:

 

http://nancextoo.livejournal.com/98326.html

 

(towards the bottom of the page, you'll know when you see a picture from the book I read with him :D)

[fairfarmhand]

We have a farm, Bull+cows+heat= baby calves

 

They've seen it and will come in telling me, "mom, that cow is in heat!"

 

My dd went to the vet with my dh; they were taking our bull for a breeding soundness exam. They have to get a semen sample from the bull to do this. It led to some interesting conversations!

 

On the other hand, I doubt we will ever have to have "the talk" other than answering some basic ?'s regarding the differences between cow and human reproduction.

[Melenie]

My daughter asked about that stuff at around age 5. I sat down and read a book with her (it was a Dr. Ruth book geared toward kids). I told her if she had any questions to let me know. She said: "Thanks for telling me about where babies come from!" and skipped off to play. Periodically after that she'd ask me if she could look at the book again. I'd say yes. She'd read it and give it back to me to put on the shelf.

 

I recently had a funny/interesting conversation with my 4 1/2 year old son. Check this out if you're so inclined:

 

http://nancextoo.livejournal.com/98326.html

 

(towards the bottom of the page, you'll know when you see a picture from the book I read with him :D)

 

That is a book we have as well! The one that talks about the birth canal. DD loves it and often reads it. It is the next step that has me in a knot - the jump from how do they come out to how did it get in there.

 

The thread has been very helpful so far, DH and I have been reading the replies and they have been very helpful.

[Penelope]

Then following your line of logic, you should not be homeschooling. Since only a tiny minority in this country choose to do it, you run the possibility that your children as young adults will look back on their education with shame and discomfort, since most of their friends were not educated in the same manner.

 

Is this really the kind of kids we want to raise? Kids so fragile that any difference might become an easy source of shame or ridicule. This can be said of your faith/lack of, the type of clothing you choose to dress them with (modesty), etc.

 

Yes, the US is uptight, and in all the wrong ways. We freak out if a three year-old points to a body part and calls it by name in public, but see no issue (and I'm not talking about the majority on this board) with Victoria Secret Billboards. This odd duality of shame and obsession for the human form, only seems to feed the sexualization of all aspects of our being.

 

:confused1: It's not an overarching philosophy to my entire life. :001_smile: It's one choice we make based on what is appropriate for our family. I make many choices that are not the mainstream where I live.

 

Someday the kids might regret homeschooling or any other number of choices we are making. No I'm not going to change what I do because of that, though I would consider their opinions and feelings if they told me they did not like homeschooling, or other things. Who knows, maybe they will wish we had all walked around nude in our home. :tongue_smilie:

 

There is not shame or obsession. Just a choice in the society we live in. We ask the children to knock at a closed door. I think that is teaching appropriate privacy. If they forget it isn't a big deal. Just thinking about it a lot of it is that *I* would like privacy. It isn't even something I have spent a lot of time thinking about, in fact, less than I have spent on this thread! I did change my first post here last night, so it didn't sound as much like a lecture. :D Not meant as a soapbox, just my POV. Peace!

 

EDited: FWIW I agree with you about teaching facts early and teaching correct terms for body parts and body functions. And I don't care for Victoria's Secret billboards in my face everywhere. There is a difference between normal nudity and sexualization. But I can agree with you on all these things and still think it's appropriate to have some limits on nudity, without there being any personal shame involved.

Edited June 14, 2010 by Penelope