Looking for a new church because your teenage dc doesn't like your current church?

[Wendi]

We attended one church from shortly before my ds was born until he was 7yo, when we moved here. We've been in the same church here since we moved, almost 7 years.

 

We are thinking of changing churches. We love many of the people in our church, and it's not that we're terribly unhappy there. One of the main issues is that ds doesn't like it there, doesn't get anything out of it. He has two friends there, both boys slightly younger than he is (there are no middle school boys at our church, only three girls). It's a relatively small church (less than 200 members, I think).

 

Ds also struggles with some issues (OCD, language disorder, sensory integration dysfunction, emotional/social skills problems, very bright but immature and impulsive). In our church, there are no other kids with these kinds of issues, except one elementary kid with autism. Many of the people are kind, but there are also those who see ds's issues as just sin and poor parenting. I feel like he has the reputation as "the troublemaker kid". So every minor infraction is magnified. Like I said, he admits that if it wasn't for his two friends, he'd have no interest at all in going to church. He doesn't like the style of music, and doesn't seem to understand the sermons much.

 

I realize that church is about worshipping God, not pleasing us. But if we could find a place to worship where ds relates to the music more, understands and even enjoys the sermons, and has opportunities to worship and learn alongside other Christian young men who can provide good role models, encouragement, etc., that would be a blessing.

 

We want ds (who is a Christian) to have a place where he's growing spiritually, feeling encouraged and supported, a place where he can see other guys his age growing in their faith, etc. The bottom line is, I know that if we just continue to drag him to church for the next five years, the chances that he will want to continue to go to church when he's an adult seem small. When I told him that we are thinking of changing churches, and that one of the reasons is that we are concerned for his spiritual growth, want him to feel more comfortable and look forward to church, etc., he was surprised.

 

I know I can't expect the church to replace parenting, discipleship at home, etc. And I am surprised that we are considering taking this step. Has anyone else struggled with this decision?

 

Wendi

[OrganicAnn]

I was afraid you were going to tell a story about a kid who insisted on going to a church that was more fun - donuts, kool-aid, all la dee da. I read a story where the relatively young kids were telling the parents which car to buy, so I expected the worse.

 

I think if you can find some place that fulfills the same religious needs of your family and fits your sons needs better, then I think it makes perfect sense.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Absolutely you need to find a place that teaches your dc at their level and meets their spiritual needs.

[phathui5]

We want ds (who is a Christian) to have a place where he's growing spiritually, feeling encouraged and supported, a place where he can see other guys his age growing in their faith, etc. The bottom line is, I know that if we just continue to drag him to church for the next five years, the chances that he will want to continue to go to church when he's an adult seem small.

 

These sound to me like good reasons to look for somewhere where he feels more at home.

[Laurie4b]

I think it's important that your ds be able to connect at a church. Especially given that he has special needs, he's not as able to adjust as you all would be. I know that it is very hard to leave a church and I think the the reasons to do so should be substantive (ie not just over music, etc. for parents). But finding a place where a child/teen can really grow is a substantive issue.

[Momofeat]

We are in a very similar situation to yours, only with our dd(10) who is about to enter "youth group" age. We've been taking her to another church on Wednesday nights for a year and a half and recently decided to change churches. We are praying that this is is the right decision. All this to say, I understand how you feel--right down to the special needs & behavior issues. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

I can't change churches, but you know, if I could have, it might have helped ds18 avoid at least some of the stuff he went thru (chose, put us thru, whatever). He didn't get what he needed from our church, he didn't have a decent peer group, and he eventually gave up and became an atheist.

Not saying that will happen to yours if you stay, but it is one of my biggest regrets that we did not feel the freedom to change churches for our children.

[ciyates]

We realized our DS wasn't getting what he needed so we changed churches. The spiritual growth we have seen is encouraging. I think you should spend some time in prayer and visit a few other places to see if something fits. If he knows the church perceives him as a trouble maker it could harden his heart to churches as a whole.

[ChristusG]

If your son has valid reasons for wanting to change churches and he is a good, trustworthy young man, then you should take his desires into consideration. This doesn't necessarily mean changing churches, but sitting down and talking to him, maybe attending his youth class to see what is taught and how it is taught, etc....making sure he feels like he has been heard. And if that includes looking for another church, then that's great. If not, he needs to understand why.

 

I do want to say that a lot of youth groups out there are not the best in the world. Yes, there are good and bad kids in a group, but there are a lot of kids in youth groups that are not good. It's just a situation that you'll have to look into and monitor.

[elise1mds]

I think you're a great parent for doing this for him. One of the main reasons I can't stand going to church now is that my own mother forced me to go to a church I hated during my teen years. That church was largely upper middle class, and we weren't. I was the only girl in my youth group for quite some time and also the only one from a suburb (and the "wrong" one at that). My mother refused to listen to my reasons why I didn't want to go, telling me they were invalid, and yet oddly enough, a few years after I moved out, she quit going to that church for the same reasons I had disliked it.

 

I think finding a new home where your son will fit in will, in the long run, benefit your entire family. I would be disturbed enough at knowing that there were a few people out there who don't understand the fact that your son has problems. My son has issues as well but despite the problems that *I* had with our family's former church, he was never made to feel left out and I was never made to feel like a bad parent.

 

Best wishes to you in your search!

[Gooblink]

I think those are fine reasons to seek a new church home. It's important for your whole family to find fellowship, safety and acceptance in that sphere.

 

Having said that, I think we rely too much, sometimes, on the church organization to provide spiritual training to our kids when that actually needs to come from home.

[Retired]

I am in a similar situation and we will find a church that my son's will thrive and grow in their relationship with Jesus.

 

I probably have posted about my protocol child rebellion after not being accepted or filling left out in my parents church during my adolescents.

 

I begged my parents to allow me to attend another church but no they were so dedicated to their denomination. (this was a small town so there was only one church of their denomination)

 

I basically didn't get anything out of their church environment. I walked away from God and church for 15 years.

 

So in my opinion you and your DH are wonderful parents, your listening to your child's heart and willing to move out of your own comfort. Go MOM!

[Orthodox6]

I have friends with special needs children (more than one family, I mean), who have shifted to a different parish because they found a better "fit" for those children. They did not change to a different religion, they just found an environment (both people and physical plant) which met their needs better.

 

If you need to do this, then do so.

 

Close to 200 people is a very large church, btw. (just is not one of those factory-sized churches) The size of the congregation may be a problem for your son. A smaller church may feel better to him. Just a thought.

[simka2]

As a pastor's wife it is very hard to see people leave. Not because we need the numbers, but because we love having relationship with the person...especially if they have been around for awhile. :)

 

That said...I would never begrudge anyone for doing what is best by their child!!!! As another poster said...it can be frustrateing when a child/teen leads their family around by the nose, based on music styles and such. That is not what you are describeing.

 

One ? I have is do you have other kids? are they connected where you are at? Is there any room to talk with your children's leader or pastor?

 

Do not feel ashamed to do what is best by your child! :)