Will it be possible to plan a major move for this summer without letting the kids kno

[lynn]

1. oldest (15yo) would pretty much stop putting effort in school and figure I'm not coming back anyways (no judgement please. We do and will handle this as it comes us. He's a different kid all together he has ADHD and does not respond like the average kid to things so please no judgement or how I should not let him get away with it etc. Thanks)\

 

2. middle son (12) looking forward to playing football for his school in the fall but I am hoping the new school will let him join their football team even if we are there later than signups.

 

3. youngest son (8) has so many buddies here and a best unseperable friendship .

 

This would be a career move for dh, we have gone through 8 so far but 2 of which oldest son fell apart on us but it all worked out. Middle son never minded the moves, youngest was to young to matter. We are hoping this will be the last move for dh career.

 

So my question do we let the kids know or let them finish the school year then tell they the week before the big day? I will plan a big party for them and have all their friends over for pictures. Or should we tell them now that this may for sure happen?

[readwithem]

Are you moving locally? I wouldn't even consider this if it were a move to a different city. Even with a local city I would think the kids would need time to process. YMMV. :)

[JudoMom]

1. oldest (15yo) would pretty much stop putting effort in school and figure I'm not coming back anyways (no judgement please. We do and will handle this as it comes us. He's a different kid all together he has ADHD and does not respond like the average kid to things so please no judgement or how I should not let him get away with it etc. Thanks)\

 

2. middle son (12) looking forward to playing football for his school in the fall but I am hoping the new school will let him join their football team even if we are there later than signups.

 

3. youngest son (8) has so many buddies here and a best unseperable friendship .

 

This would be a career move for dh, we have gone through 8 so far but 2 of which oldest son fell apart on us but it all worked out. Middle son never minded the moves, youngest was to young to matter. We are hoping this will be the last move for dh career.

 

So my question do we let the kids know or let them finish the school year then tell they the week before the big day? I will plan a big party for them and have all their friends over for pictures. Or should we tell them now that this may for sure happen?

 

I would have been crushed as a child if my parents hid a move from me until a week before I was going to go. How would you feel if your dh told you that you had a week to move? Kids need time to process major changes, just like grown ups.

 

I'd still plan the big party a week before the move, but let them help with the planning. And tell them now.

[Cheryl in NM]

This is an opportunity to teach them to cope with change, ie not getting "short-timers syndrome". Be patient and keep calmly explaining that life goes on as usual until school's out. On the other hand, be sensitive to their feelings. That's alot of moving. Aren't you tire of it? I bet the kids are, even if they've adjusted well in the past.

 

One more thing, if you chose to keep this secret from them, be prepared for them to find out (as kids always do) and then you'll have problem on your hands!

[mcconnellboys]

Well, I'm all for trying to get the school year finished, but I'm also thinking that just a week's notice will sort of throw them all into shock and make them feel rather betrayed...??? You know your kids better than I, so I think you'd have to judge this. Can you accelerate to finish up sooner, so that you can tell them sooner?

 

Regena

[lynn]

I would have been crushed as a child if my parents hid a move from me until a week before I was going to go. How would you feel if your dh told you that you had a week to move? Kids need time to process major changes, just like grown ups.

 

I'd still plan the big party a week before the move, but let them help with the planning. And tell them now.

 

Personally, I'd rather not know so soon. To much anxiety on my part. The company does 100%, packing, storing, moving, house hunts etc.

 

When we moved as a child I absolutley resented it because we moved to S FL and hated every moment of it was so glad to move away from there had they moved someplace nice I think I would not have minded.

 

My kids actually love Tucson, they have lived there before and have asked several times if we could move back.

[Amira]

We've moved a lot too, but I can't imagine a situation where I wouldn't tell our children several months in advance. I can imagine that I wouldn't want to tell them though!

 

One book on handling a lot of international moves with children suggests telling a child a week per year of their age in advance. So you'd tell a 15-year-old 3 or 4 months in advance, a 12 about 3 months in advance, etc. We usually tell our kids earlier (like when we know the move is coming), but I certainly would let them know sooner than a week or two before.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I hope things go better than you hope.

[lynn]

This is an opportunity to teach them to cope with change, ie not getting "short-timers syndrome". Be patient and keep calmly explaining that life goes on as usual until school's out. On the other hand, be sensitive to their feelings. That's alot of moving. Aren't you tire of it? I bet the kids are, even if they've adjusted well in the past.

 

One more thing, if you chose to keep this secret from them, be prepared for them to find out (as kids always do) and then you'll have problem on your hands!

 

I am not tired of it at all. WE don't have to do much just make a couple of phone calls and people come in pack, store, transport, arrange everything for us. I also love living in Tucson. I am looking forward to no humidity, beautiful mtn views, no bugs, seeing old friends the entire SW experience once again.

[jmgconner]

I would feel betrayed by my parents if they hid something like that from me. I'd rather have my parents be honest with me, including why they had concerns about telling me in the first place.

 

Good luck with your move!

[MichelleWI]

My family moved the summer that I turned nine years old. My parents knew of the move a few months in advance, though they didn't know the exact location. If they had told me a week or so before school ended, I'd have felt better about it. I would have liked to have said goodbye to a few of my friends and perhaps exchanged addresses with them.

 

Instead, I completely lost contact with those friends and everything that I knew. We were taken to a new state where we knew no one and no one knew us. I felt like I'd been left afloat and I resented it.

 

Obviously much of my reaction was wrapped up in *me* and was inappropriate. I am not denying that! The transition could have been made easier, though.

 

Since my children are homeschooled, our last move was considered a great adventure and we had no issues with sports or school grades or losing friends.

[Danestress]

I would give more than a week's notice, but maybe not 3 months.

 

I do think a teenager is just going to need more than a week to process that, and honestly his friends probably do too. It seems really cruel to only give a weeks' notice about leaving friends.

 

But three months might be too much. I understand what you mean about kids deciding to sort of check out academically or spending too much time with the anxiety.

 

I think if you know that your children will basically like this move, I might tell them 3 or 4 weeks ahead of time.

[WTMindy]

and I wouldn't assume that you can get a kids on a team if they come in late. I would try and talk to the coach well before the tryouts so that you know what his rules are.

 

I will pray that whenever you tell them, they will receive the news well.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

It might make the next three months easier if you don't tell them.

 

BUT,

 

if you lie to them, you may end up dealing with the repercussions for years! Especially from your teenagers. They may not forgive you for lying to them. (A lie of omission is still a lie. I'm sure they'll see it that way)

 

I don't think it would be worth the risk.

[*anj*]

Only you know your kids and their temperaments, but...

 

When I was in sixth grade my parents told me that we were moving to another state. By the time they told me it was a done deal and I wasn't even able to finish out the school year. I did feel betrayed, and I felt like my friendships/activities/feelings/etc. weren't important to my parents.

 

Now that I'm a parent, I really understand and I wouldn't ask for a 12 year old's input in making such a huge decision, but I think I'd want to include them more than I was included. I think that when they get to be middle and high school aged you might lose some credibility if you just spring this on them at the last minute.

 

I think your idea of a party is great, btw. I'd just recommend telling them earlier than you mentioned. You don't want them to start thinking that a major upheaval can always be just around the corner and their parents won't discuss it until it's too late. That could make them feel powerless and then they might feel the need to control other things in their lives. Again, I don't know your kids, so I could be totally off-base. Just throwin' out some ideas since you asked.

 

Sounds like a great place to live! :001_smile:

[Mrs Mungo]

We give our kids a heads-up when we think there will be orders coming down. As soon as wehave real orders we definitely let them know at that time. Of course, we're military so we don't have to explain ourselves in terms of choosing hubby's career over their friends or anything. Plus, it's usually pretty fast. This last time we took 30 days of leave to visit family in between so it was only like 5 weeks between getting the orders and leaving.

[abbeyej]

No way on earth would I give a teenager a mere *week* of notice before a major move. That sounds like a fabulous way to build anger and resentment that could last *well* into adulthood.

 

I can understand waiting a bit -- till you have a better idea what the plans are especially. But please, please give them some time to process the information -- especially if you ever want them to trust you or speak to you again.

[TeaTotaler]

Only you know your kids best but in our family there is absolutely no way we could hide this kind of info. We have also been through several moves and ds has always been aware of it as soon as possible. We talk about issues together as a family. Of course, ds has been more involved as he's grown older. I just cannot imagine not telling ds until the last week or even just a couple of weeks before.

 

Wishing you all the best with your move. Sounds like the AZ is where you want to be.

 

VH