It looks like my parents' marriage is falling apart

[melissel]

(deleted text)

Edited April 9, 2010 by melissel

[Rosie_0801]

No advice but :grouphug:'s. Sometimes these things are for the best. The end of my parents' marriage certainly was.

 

I don't really understand why the worry about money if your Mum will have enough to buy a small house outright and has a job. That sounds like a pretty good situation for a divorced woman to me.

 

Rosie

Edited April 4, 2010 by Rosie_0801

[EmeraldGirl]

:grouphug::grouphug: Not sure how to respond, but wanted to send some encouragement your way. Praying for wisdom and strength for both your family and your mother as you all transition.

[Mergath]

Sounds quite a bit like my parents. My dad spent twenty years being an emotionally abusive, domineering husband, and my mom finally couldn't take any more. Even though she wasn't financially stable, she moved out, got an apartment, and just kept working. Luckily, here in Minnesota, you can get wonderful state health insurance if you're under a certain income level, so she didn't have to worry about that. But she was only making nine bucks an hour when she left, so it was hard, because my dad was making over thirty bucks an hour when she left him, so it was a significant change for her.

 

However, she now says it was the best decision she ever made. A couple of years later she met a great guy, also divorced, and they got married and are very, very happy. It's wonderful to see my mom able to be herself again, because while she was with my dad, she was really only a shadow of her real self. He basically crushed her until there wasn't much left, and if she would have stayed with him, I do think the stress of it would have eventually killed her.

 

In situations like this, I think it's always better to get away from the person who is causing you so much pain and just have faith that things will work out somehow. Better to be happy and poor than broken and financially comfortable.

[Liz CA]

I would take a step back from the situation. Perhaps suggest very emphatically that they seek counseling - good counseling. If your mother has spent most of her married life being a mouse in a corner and your dad has come to expect this, it is no wonder things are at the blowing point.

 

If she is devastated because there is still some feeling, hope left to restore this relationship but she cannot see it on her own which is normal when you have lived like this for so long - then there may be a real chance they can both grow together again through counseling. This would establish a whole new basis for a future relationship - not a continuation of the same old...

 

If she absolutely needs physical distance while she considers this or while they work on their marriage, I would help her move into a rental apartment. This will be less permanent as if she buys something right away when it's not completely clear that their live together is over.

 

A hard position to be in. If you can help her locate appropriate counseling, it would probably help her as well if she cannot see the next step because she is in so much pain.

 

Newlife.com website has phone numbers for counselors all over the U.S. Unless your parents are adamantly against Christian counseling, this may be a starting point.

 

[melissel]

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Edited April 9, 2010 by melissel

[melissel]

(deleted)

Edited April 9, 2010 by melissel

[OrganicAnn]

Be careful about putting yourself in the middle or as a go between. It is a very easy roll for a child to assume (especially the oldest child).

 

Your mom should be able to stay on your dad's health insurance and if she has a good lawyer, she might be able to stay on it even after the divorce (or get the monetary equivalent to pay for separate health insurance).

 

No matter how bad it gets, don't worry time makes things better.

[Peela]

 

I don't really understand why the worry about money if your Mum will have enough to buy a small house outright and has a job. That sounds like a pretty good situation for a divorced woman to me.

 

 

I agree- sounds not too bad at all.

I have often heard that for a woman leaving a marriage that isnt healthy for her, the exchange of financial security is compensated for by the financial autonomy- the ability to make one's own decisions .

Look after your own family first though.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Liz CA]

She CAN see the next step, but she's in agony over it because she loves my dad so much :( She knows he won't change though. It all just stinks.

 

This made me think of something else: Could she just move out and not file for divorce right away? He (your dad) would not be the first guy who realizes - after the wife moves out - that she is serious about working on their relationship and that he has to contribute something. Again, though as Organic Ann suggested, I would not take her into my home. For your dad this may seem like she has not really moved out - but if she truly lives on her own in an apartment (month-to-month rent), it may dawn on him that he'll have to do something else to keep her.

It's hard not to get involved, however everyone is an adult. Supporting each other through the tough times is wonderful but not enabling if you can avoid it.

[Rosie_0801]

Again, though as Organic Ann suggested, I would not take her into my home. For your dad this may seem like she has not really moved out - but if she truly lives on her own in an apartment (month-to-month rent), it may dawn on him that he'll have to do something else to keep her.

 

 

:iagree: and teaming up against him (which couldn't help but happen) wouldn't help matters any.

 

Rosie

[ladydusk]

She has a good job making decent money, but she has no healthcare coverage apart from my dad's, and she's on lots of meds and is a lifelong smoker.

 

If she is currently covered under your dad's insurance (and it meets certain requirements) COBRA should be made available to her for up to 3 years after the divorce is final. Now, COBRA is admittedly very expensive, but it might be worth it if she has a lot of medical expenses.

[Joanne]

{{many hugs}}

[JeneralMom]

My parents divorced when I was 31 (pg with DS6). My mum was the weak, yet manipulative one in the relationship, and my dad finally got out. In the process he lost everyone other than me but he needed to do it for his sanity. He is happily married now and I wish that he had made the decision years earlier.

 

Like you, we allowed my mum to move in with us after she bounced from relative to relative doing the whole "poor me" routine without bothering to tell anyone that my dad had left her with hundreds of thousands of dollars. It was the worst mistake of our lives. It put us squarely in the middle of family members who couldn't believe that I still talked to my dad, and my children had to witness the constant drama. It almost ended my marriage. If your children have a close relationship with their g-father, would he be able to come see them if your mum lives with you? Would he feel awkward about calling your home?

 

Best scenario would be to get her her own place. Let your parents work on their marriage if they chose, but stay out of it.

[Cammie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

BTDT. My parents divorced after 30 years of marriage. It is very hard being an adult child when parents are going through something like this. They tend to confide in the adult child WAY too much and put them in the middle in ways they would never do with a kid!

 

It is now 10 years later - I am still working on my relationship with my father. My mother has managed to land on her feet. She doesn't have the life she always thought she would at this age - but she is independent. Health insurance has been an issue for her.

 

Could they perhaps get legally separated? That is one way to preserve health insurance but legally be separated. It might be a good option for them to check out.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: