Discipline issue - dawdling! How to make it ds's problem, not mine?

[Wendi]

I am dealing with dawdling and time-wasting with ds13. If I am not right there nagging, very little gets accomplished. It starts in the morning, with several reminders to get out of bed, and continues through the day. He is currently grounded from TV, computer, Wii, and friends, so I don't have as many "carrots" to offer right now. Just getting aggravated all day doesn't help, and I'm tired of it. He still has work to do late in the day or even the evening, and I don't want to spend my evenings doing schoolwork that should have been accomplished earlier.

 

How to apply consequences to motivate him, without letting his time-wasting and dawdling ruin my day? Any suggestions?

 

Wendi

[Denisemomof4]

when my boys dawdled with their school work, I decided that I'd assign homework. They had a set amount of time to get their work done. When the timer went off, that was it - on to the next subject No Matter What. Then once all the schoolwork was done, they had to stay at the table until ALL work was done for the entire day. I didn't have to do this much before it really impressed on them. Once they learned that they could get their work done quickly and then go off and play for the rest of the day, they stopped dawdling.

 

I know this only covers school work, but I don't know what else to say, other than our kids have no privileges until all their chores are done.

[Julie in CA]

The only thing that has worked here is that if the work for the day is not done, my boys do not eat. Well, I give them a glass of water or milk, and maybe a pb&j, but they do not get to eat whatever fantastic culinary extravaganza I've created for dinner if the work is not done. :tongue_smilie:

 

My teenage boys seem highly motivated by food. :001_huh:

 

Btw, if you're a Christian, my dh and I believe that this is fully supported in a Biblical sense by 2 Thessalonians 3:10.

[extendedforecast]

when my boys dawdled with their school work, I decided that I'd assign homework. They had a set amount of time to get their work done. When the timer went off, that was it - on to the next subject No Matter What. Then once all the schoolwork was done, they had to stay at the table until ALL work was done for the entire day. I didn't have to do this much before it really impressed on them. Once they learned that they could get their work done quickly and then go off and play for the rest of the day, they stopped dawdling.

 

I know this only covers school work, but I don't know what else to say, other than our kids have no privileges until all their chores are done.

 

:iagree: I implemented set times for our main subjects, and now if the work isn't completed, it becomes homework due the next day. This has worked amazingly well.

 

However, in your situation, I don't know if that alone would work. IMO it seems your DS needs to be motivated. With most, if not all of his priveleges taken away, perhaps he feels hopeless. Talk to him, let him know you are giving up the nagging, ask for ideas to help him get his tasks accomplished, pump up his ego, make him want to do better, praise him for his efforts, and implement the homework idea. Maybe if he feels you are working with him and not against him, but at the same time, you are in control of the time you are willing to spend doing school, he will start to align himself with your schedule.

Cindy

[Aubrey]

when my boys dawdled with their school work, I decided that I'd assign homework. They had a set amount of time to get their work done. When the timer went off, that was it - on to the next subject No Matter What. Then once all the schoolwork was done, they had to stay at the table until ALL work was done for the entire day. I didn't have to do this much before it really impressed on them. Once they learned that they could get their work done quickly and then go off and play for the rest of the day, they stopped dawdling.

 

I know this only covers school work, but I don't know what else to say, other than our kids have no privileges until all their chores are done.

 

Not necessarily--if classes start at 8, math goes till 9, & he doesn't get up till 9:15, he just got 1 absence in math & has a LOT of homework.

 

Another thing I've heard people try: schoolwork is facilitated by Mom; homework is facilitated by DAD. :D

[Pamela H in Texas]

Do what schoolwork YOU need to do with him (discussions, assigning work, teaching math skills, etc). Then the rest he needs to do is homework. YOU will finish with school in just a couple hours. It'll be HIS deal if he takes a couple more or many more.

 

Of course, he does NOTHING outside of working, exercising and schoolwork til it is done.

[Aggie]

What time does he go to bed/sleep?

 

Do you think he's getting up at night to play/read/get on the computer?

 

It almost sounds like he's sleep-deprived.

 

If you know he's getting enough rest, I would do my teacher part in the am, and let him do his homework in the afternoon.

 

Does he have any outside interests or sports? Does he need some outside time or exercise? Some friendships, perhaps?

[fairfarmhand]

Not getting out of bed around here or acting tired and sleepy gets people earlier bedtimes. Knowing that all the littles will be up later than her watching movies and having fun gets my dd 12 up in the morning.

[LindaOz]

Do what schoolwork YOU need to do with him (discussions, assigning work, teaching math skills, etc). Then the rest he needs to do is homework. YOU will finish with school in just a couple hours. It'll be HIS deal if he takes a couple more or many more.

 

.

 

Yes, that's what I was going to say. That way, it is not YOU tied up till all hours of the afternoon and evening - only him.

[Peela]

I would focus on getting him out of bed by 7am and going to bed by 9pm. Cold marbles in the bed are the best suggestion I have heard on these boards, but you can also just go in and strip off his bedding, spray water, sing, make him a cup of tea...whatever works, preferably with good humour on your part!:) My kids don't get a choice about it, because I am a morning person and school happens in the mornings here. Dd15 who is NOT a morning person, nevertheless agrees its important to do school in the mornings so that their afternoons are free for their part time jobs and various classes, or just free time. If she is too foggy in the mornings, she goes for a walk and drinks coffee.

My 14yo son is motivated to get in and get his schoolwork done (although he tends to rush) because of friends in the street who come home from school by 4pm. Also, computer time.

So, what would motivate your son? I wouldn't expect him to naturally feel motivated- many kids are not naturally motivated by the idea of sitting down and dong schoolwork for hours. It can feel very daunting, even depressing.

The other key for me is.....me. If I am not organised, up and ready, with the schoolbooks marked from yesterday and in a good mood ready to supervise the day's school....well, it often leads to chaos and a downhill spiral.

Are you expecting him to work too independently? I find my kids like a balance of independent work and together work.

And....it could be hormones. My 14yo's brain seems to have turned to mush and so many things we have spent years learning, like grammar and spelling, have now just disappeared from his memory. And, his behaviour is frequently obnoxious...I sat him down 2 days ago (after I had confiscated his IPOD and computer) and had a talk to him about whether his behaviour and attitude were working well for him or not. Did he enjoy everyone being irritated with him? Was it getting him what he wanted? I think it helped...too soon to tell though.

[Barb_]

I am fond of "you can play Wii as soon as your school work is completed well and I have checked it. This offer is only avalible for the next 4 hours" and "You are welcome to lunch once your chores are over" or "breakfast is from 8-8:30 am. You must be showered and dressed before eating. If you miss breakfast there is always lunch..."

 

This is very good advice. We have begun to do something similar this year with the 8 and 10 and it's working very well.

 

Barb

[4mkfam]

aHA! So I'm not the only mom with an Evil Plan :lol:... I've instituted the "you have X amount of time to complete your work, then we will move on to the next subject" plan just this week, in trying to encourage my 9 yo dd not to dawdle through her math. Whatever she doesn't finish in X amount of time gets tacked to the end of the school day, and she winds up losing her own time to get it done. It hasn't shown stellar results yet, but we're still in the "are you serious or what, mom? :001_huh:" stage, and I figure after a couple weeks of finishing the school day at 4:00 pm, she'll come around :).

...I hope :lol:.

...One related question: When do you call "dawdling" passive-agression :001_huh:? Am I being too negative to assume this? She does very well with math (understands the concepts and does accurate computation), but takes For. Ever. to finish because it doesn't come easily to her. Seems these days like anything she deems "hard" takes six times longer than necessary.

[bookfiend]

I pass along some of the sagest advice ever received from a vetran HS Mom. Don't argue with your boys, don't argue and don't nag. This is so hard, but really amazing when you commit to it. State whatever the expectation is once and then move on. Arguing simply sets you in opposition with one another and does not allow you to teach. This issue is about control, character choices and proper conflict resolution. At this age, the unwanted behavior comes from heart issues that need addressing beyond consequences gear for "getting him to do what you want".

 

You might consider reading Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp, as well as, The Young Peacemaker.

[keptwoman]

My 15yo son is a passionate sailor. His entire world revolves around sailing, he lives for getting into his boat on Saturday. DH and I decided that we had had enough of nagging etc. Now he has his list of work on Monday and it is expected to be complete on Friday. If it is not complete he does not sail. I will ask him from time to time how it is going and discuss books and any issues he is having, but that's it, no nagging or reminding. On Friday I ask for his entire weeks work to be presented to me (well anything I haven't seen/marked/discussed as the week has progressed) He has missed one weekend activity (actually ended up being Venturer Scout camp) because I guess he just wanted to see if we mean it (we do LOL) and left it until he couldnt possibly get it all done. Since then he has been much more motivated to get his work done. It's taken a load off my mind, and made life in our home much pleasanter.

So I'd say, find his currency, see what he really cares about loosing and in order for him to get that priviledge, he needs to have his work done.

Edited March 10, 2010 by keptwoman