How do I tell my 3 year old that he is no longer able to attend preschool?

[blessed2fosteradopt]

I am heartbroken. My adopted 3 year old son has been a trying but loving child since day one. When I decided to bring my 11yo home to school 2 years ago managing the 3 of them was impossible. When the three of them are together it is mass chaos. We have tried so many techniques and nothing sees to work. Therefore, we made the decision to enroll my ds3 in a preschool program and he loves it. My 3 yo daughter stays home with us (for financial reasons) and I work with her and my 11yo who has ADHD.

 

I have long suspected at the very least that my little one has ADHD. We have been working with a behavioral therapist (provided by the state as post-adoption services) and she told me that what she observed yesterday when she went to observe him at school was excessive behavior that falls way out of what would be considered normal boy stuff. Shortly thereafter, I spoke to the director and they advised me that they were no longer able to accomodate his behavioral needs. He goes for some testing (IQ/hearing/speech/vision) on Tuesday and I am awaiting a referral from my pediatrician for a psychological exam. The therapist believes at the very least he has ADHD. His behaviors include unprompted hitting, non-compliance, constant talking/running, getting into things, breaking things to name a few. He is always remorseful of his actions. It is as if he is driven by a motor. He and his sister at home can be playing with blocks and he can have 100 in front of him and she can have 4 and still he will take hers away just to cause conflict. He is like a clone of my 11 year old.

 

Having said all of the above, he LOVES his school. He is going to be DEVASTATED when he learns that next week is his last. How do I talk with him about this? He is extremely bright (the therapist suspects he is gifted) and he comprehends and communicates like that of a seven year old (we were told that by therapists when he was 2.5yo when we were trying to have him placed in a program but because of that he did not qualify).

 

My head is spinning. I am so stressed out and am not coping with any of this well. Any thoughts, comments, suggestions especially about telling him about the school situation?

 

Thank you all,

 

Lisa

Edited March 5, 2010 by blessed2fosteradopt

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug:

 

I'm not clear why next week will be his last week. Is the school no longer allowing him to attend because of his behaviors? Or are you pulling him out?

 

Hang in there. The evaluation process can be challenging, but you'll get some specific information about his challenges and strengths, and the psych eval should include some kind of a plan to help him with his issues.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[Caribbean Queen]

:grouphug:

 

I'm not clear why next week will be his last week. Is the school no longer allowing him to attend because of his behaviors? Or are you pulling him out?

 

I was wondering this as well.

 

Look into Head Start. It is government funded preschool and it is available to children with special needs regardless of their income.

[SonshineLearner]

Well, I stress about things like this too. I have found though, that children react well, when they are told by parents who are "in charge". (gently of course) Ok, this week is the last week for preschool. We hope you get to go next year, again. At 3, he might not even realize everyone it still going to still be attending... Hopefully, you can have him go to some headstart or something... if that's what's best:-)

[blessed2fosteradopt]

Yes, he has been asked to leave. They are not equipped to deal with his behaviors. I guess I forgot that important detail.

 

I did look into Head Start but was told he does not qualify because his issues are not one of academics but of behavior.

[sandalwood]

At 3, thankfully he is so young and you can just say that "next week is our last week of preschool" and leave it at that. Maybe build up a celebration for the last day (maybe make him a cake, etc.) celebrating the last day of preschool. With him being 3, I'd leave it at that. If he pushes it, after all he's three and you can just tell him kids attend preschool for different lengths (which is true) and just keep celebrating the fact it's his last week/day. Maybe build up that when he's at home the following week to celebrate his new schedule, he can have some new special coloring workbooks, anything he particulary loves for when he's with you homeschooling from now on. I'd just build it up & let him know you'll love having him home & leave it at that.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

If you are getting post-adoption services can they help you get state funding for him to stay or get him into another program? Really, they might call it a "social skills group" but you can call if Preschool and he would be happy.

 

This is what I am hoping and praying for. It just becomes more difficult to get services if he doesn't fit neatly into one of their prescribed categories; speech and language impairment, autism, cognitively impaired, etc.

 

I guess I will just tell him the year is over. I am afraid he will see through it because we have been talking to him for quite a while about how his behavior may keep from being able to attend. For some crazy reason, I thought this would be the "cure" since he LOVES the schoo so much.

[Caribbean Queen]

I guess I will just tell him the year is over. I am afraid he will see through it because we have been talking to him for quite a while about how his behavior may keep from being able to attend.

 

In that case, I'd tell him the truth.

[myfunnybunch]

Talk to your ds' therapist about early intervention services for preschool children in your area. Actually, I'm kind of assuming that the speech and psych evals are part of that kind of evaluation process, but just in case. Find out what programs might be available to him if he is determined to have some kind of disability label that will qualify him for services. It may be that there are other preschool programs that will accommodate his needs.

 

Please, as you go through this evaluation process, don't let anyone tell you that because your child is cognitively advanced that he does not need help. Children with social/behavioral challenges need support too, just as much or more than children with cognitive challenges.

 

:grouphug: I'd just tell him the truth, "This is your last week of preschool for a while. We're going to look for a preschool that will work even better for you." I will pray that what comes out of this for you is a great preschool program that provides behavioral support and training for your ds.

 

You can do this. Hang in there.

 

Cat

[lionfamily1999]

I believe he would get into a Pre-K program at ps. It's different from Head Start and they DO consider social issues to a good enough reason to accept students (that's how my older ds got in).

 

All the same, until he really understands that he can't hit or break things it's going to be difficult to keep him in most programs. Very few parents are willing to let their kids be hit, even understanding that some kids can't really help it. So, most programs (looking out for their bottom line/legal issues) are going to ask him to leave after a few such incidents.

 

If he's as far ahead as you say, then there's a chance he could understand that they cannot allow him to stay because he's hitting. It stinks and it's a hard lesson, especially because of its permanence (no second chance from the preschool), but it might help him to better understand the consequence of these actions.

 

:grouphug:

 

If you don't believe he's as able to understand to fit that sort of scenerio, then just tell him preschool is over for him, but he may be going back in September.

[myfunnybunch]

It just becomes more difficult to get services if he doesn't fit neatly into one of their prescribed categories; speech and language impairment, autism, cognitively impaired, etc.

 

 

Yes.

 

There is an emotional-behavioral eligibility for children. It is one of the legal eligibilities for children under special education law. All it means is that the child doesn't have the social and behavioral skills to navigate the school environment (meaning that their behavior impacts either their own learning or the learning of others in the environment or both). You could easily make the argument in an eligibility meeting that if the behaviors are addressed now, he has the best chance of success in the future.

 

If he does make the connection between his behavior and leaving preschool himself, do you think it would work to tell him that you wanted to help him work on those behaviors at home? The behavioral therapist might have some concrete practice or role-play activities to try with him to help develop those skills.

 

:grouphug: again.

 

Cat

[blessed2fosteradopt]

Please, as you go through this evaluation process, don't let anyone tell you that because your child is cognitively advanced that he does not need help. Children with social/behavioral challenges need support too, just as much or more than children with cognitive challenges.

 

No, I definitely won't and that is not the approach the behavioral analyst/therapist is taking at this point either. I like your choice of an explanation - thank you.

 

I know, I hate lying to my kids, but I can't see any point in being totally honest. He just won't understand and it will probably make him feel bad. I look at it as the school's problem, not his. He is 3.

 

I am fearful of being truthful because I know it is going to crush him.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

All the same, until he really understands that he can't hit or break things it's going to be difficult to keep him in most programs. Very few parents are willing to let their kids be hit, even understanding that some kids can't really help it. So, most programs (looking out for their bottom line/legal issues) are going to ask him to leave after a few such incidents.

 

If he's as far ahead as you say, then there's a chance he could understand that they cannot allow him to stay because he's hitting. It stinks and it's a hard lesson, especially because of its permanence (no second chance from the preschool), but it might help him to better understand the consequences.

 

He completely understands everything he does. He is very bright. The problem is that he cannot control himself. He is SO unbelievably hyper. Just for him to sit for a meal is a major ordeal for him. I do not have one negative thing to say about the school and completely understand their position. They have gone over and above trying to help our family. Yesterday, he refused to leave the classroom during a fire drill. The teacher had to chase him around for five minutes. That is dangerous for all involved. It is just a sad situation.

 

If he does make the connection between his behavior and leaving preschool himself, do you think it would work to tell him that you wanted to help him work on those behaviors at home? The behavioral therapist might have some concrete practice or role-play activities to try with him to help develop those skills.

:grouphug: again. Cat

 

It may but then again I think it is deeper because I went through this with my older son. He still struggles with self control and I just recently had to put him on medication to get him through our school day. The therapist brought over a ton of literature as well as charts she has developed for me to work with him. I am going to implement them on Monday because, on top of everything, I am sick.

Edited March 5, 2010 by blessed2fosteradopt
typos

[Pippen]

Talk to your ds' therapist about early intervention services for preschool children in your area. Actually, I'm kind of assuming that the speech and psych evals are part of that kind of evaluation process, but just in case. Find out what programs might be available to him if he is determined to have some kind of disability label that will qualify him for services. It may be that there are other preschool programs that will accommodate his needs.

 

Please, as you go through this evaluation process, don't let anyone tell you that because your child is cognitively advanced that he does not need help. Children with social/behavioral challenges need support too, just as much or more than children with cognitive challenges.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: I agree that this would be a good route to go, especially right on the heels of being asked to leave a regular preschool setting. If you decide to go this route, I'd suggest getting right on it with a phone call followed by a written request for evaluation. The special services staff schedule's get really busy right now planning for next year.

 

Especially since this may be a case where he truly can't control the hyper, I like the idea of just telling him the year is over.

[Anne in CA]

My ds was just a small step behind this at 3. We had a coop at church and since I taught the preschool I was able to keep him somewhat under control. I doubt that another teacher could have done it. We still had a couple of hitting incidents and problems, but since I was right there to deal with things swiftly he was able to participate.

 

Over the years I had him do school work out loud while he bounced around so that he would get it done. Even though he is incredibly bright teaching him to read was murder. He just didn't want to do it.

 

At 14 he can now get quite a bit of school work done in an efficient manner, but not without a reason. There always has to be a carrot in front of him, or he will not/can not focus.

 

I just want to tell you how great I think it is you are being so proactive and not blaming anyone, just working hard to get him help.

[lionfamily1999]

I had a great response, but a busy server deleted it :glare:

 

Could you explain to your ds that he needs to take some time off from school, to help him learn to control his urges to hit and break? Tell him that he cannot go back this year, because they are worried he'll hurt himself or someone else (I'm guessing that's their reason), but if you practice all summer long, he'll probably be ready to try again in the fall.

 

I would not rush to get him into another program, until his urges are under control. It will just be more of the same, until he learns to keep himself from hitting and breaking.

 

Oh, and with the fire alarm, try try try to impress upon him the absolute importance of responding to those with seriousness. :( That's so dangerous.

 

:grouphug:

[blessed2fosteradopt]

Oh, and with the fire alarm, try try try to impress upon him the absolute importance of responding to those with seriousness. :( That's so dangerous.:grouphug:

 

Yes, I definitely had a lengthy conversation with him and so did his father, a City of Miami firefighter for the past 28 years.

[lionfamily1999]

Yes, I definitely had a lengthy conversation with him and so did his father, a City of Miami firefighter for the past 28 years.

It always amazes me how my kids can teach me humility, not that they mean too ;) The thought of a fireman's son ignoring a fire alarm does get me to giggle just the tiniest bit...

[Carol in Cal.]

Some will do that. It's expensive, though, and it does single him out to a large extent.

 

Also, he would probably do better in a parent coop preschool. When the adult to child ratios are higher, lots of those behavioral issues can be headed off at the pass. It's usually pretty easy to see when a preschooler is about to haul off and hit someone, and to redirect them, but you can't have one busy teacher doing that all the time at everyone else's expense. I realize that committing to a parent coop with your other two children to care for would be challenging, but if you could pitch in one session per week I think that your son would probably benefit a lot from that experience even on the days when you're not there.

[TracyR]

Each state has programs like Early Intervation which is a birth to three program. Once they graduate from that you can get in touch with an Intermediate Unit (for preschoolers). If ( and I'm sure he would qualify for services) they can pay for him to attend a preschool of choice. I'm not understanding why he wouldn't 'qualify' for Headstart. That doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. They are supposed to provide preschool services for families, regardless of the reason you want to send him. Whether its academically , behavior, socialization... etc My sister's son has behavioral problems and went to Headstart for 2yrs.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

It always amazes me how my kids can teach me humility, not that they mean too ;) The thought of a fireman's son ignoring a fire alarm does get me to giggle just the tiniest bit...

 

Yes, if there is any comic relief in this situation, this is definitely it. Can you imagine? I was mortified.

 

Also, he would probably do better in a parent coop preschool.

 

I have never heard of this before. Can you elaborate a little?

 

Each state has programs like Early Intervation which is a birth to three program. Once they graduate from that you can get in touch with an Intermediate Unit (for preschoolers). If ( and I'm sure he would qualify for services) they can pay for him to attend a preschool of choice. I'm not understanding why he wouldn't 'qualify' for Headstart. That doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. They are supposed to provide preschool services for families, regardless of the reason you want to send him. Whether its academically , behavior, socialization... etc My sister's son has behavioral problems and went to Headstart for 2yrs.

 

I only know what I was told when he was tested at 2.5. Thankfully, he is being evaluated on Tuesday by a program run by the school board but it is a division of the program that evaluated him the first time. They say that to be eligible for a special preschool program the child needs to either have speech or language impairment, developmental delay, autism, be deaf or hard of hearing or be cognitively impaired. I hope it will be different this time since he has been released by his preschool program. Thank you for the information. I plan on being a squeaky wheel this time around.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

At 14 he can now get quite a bit of school work done in an efficient manner, but not without a reason. There always has to be a carrot in front of him, or he will not/can not focus.

 

I just want to tell you how great I think it is you are being so proactive and not blaming anyone, just working hard to get him help.

 

Your 14 yr old sounds like my 11 yo. and it seems that my 3 yo (though not biologically related) is going to have the same issues. His behaviors at age 3 are almost identical to how ds #2 is behaving.

 

Thank you for the kind words. They are really appreciated. :grouphug: