Help - I need a Monday morning pick-me-up (or should I say, therapy session?)

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am having one of those days - a crisis of confidence in almost every area of my life. I know part of it is hormonal - that time, you know. But I just can't shake feeling like a failure.

 

Ds16 is extremely bright and academically talented. However, is is a mirror of my worst faults (disorganized, procrastinating, fear of failure.) Just when I think I am making progress on helping him manage his time and workload, he does something boneheaded like miss a Latin quiz for his online class. He isn't even trying to take it because it "might be closed already." Yeesh - nothing ventured, nothing gained. Even though I wanted to homeschool him from the beginning (his curiosity about the world was infections) - I sometimes feel like I was trapped due to his health issue (he suffered with encopresis that was resistant to treatment and there is no way on this planet that I would send a child to school with this problem - no way, Jose! ) I only have 2 1/2 more years with him and I feel like he really is not prepared for life without my constant vigilance. It is exhausting, really. I feel like I have taken such wonderful raw material and ruined it. Where did this child who had such a passion for learning go? Why does he lack such self-confidence? Is it my example?

 

Ds13 was a huge challenge - very sensitive, tempermental, never slept. I felt such a strong instinct to protect this child who was always so intense. When he was 6, I figured out that something wasn't quite right (I always reasoned that he was just a little needier) and after 2 years of investigation, I found out that he has huge sensory issues. After 2 more years of fighting with the school for appropriate treatment, we found out about neurdevelopmental treatment and have seen a HUGE turnaround. He will always be intense, but instead of scowling and screaming, he is smiling and joking. Academically, he is bright - not nearly as stellar as his brother, but he holds his own. He has social issues, partially due to his auditory processing issues that are not fully resolved and partially to his shyness and dependence on his older brother. He never liked kids his own age - they were always to babyish, loud, mean, loud, whiny, loud ... get the drift? Although he looks just like me, he seems to have gotten a stronger work ethic from my husband. His therapy remains a constant drain, but I see so much positive coming from it.

 

DD9 is such a sweet blessing. Sweet, inquisitive, sensitive to others, outgoing, creative, spiritual ... After all we went through with my middle child, having her was such a blessing. However, she is developing a fear of math. How is that possible, having two very mathy parents and 2 mathy boys in this house? She is bright, but she doesn't know her math facts as well as her peers so she thinks she is stupid. It doesn't matter that she figured out 2 digit multiplication on her own - just can't do the computation fast. No reassuring will convince her that math is cool and that speed will come with her facts. Since so much of my energy has gone to my older kids, she has had to make do. Sometimes I wonder if I am screwing her up as well.

 

I have been working hard on some issues in my life, but not getting anywhere. I have health issues that were not helped by allopathic medicine so I had to find alternatives. These are not cheap. We don't have much of a college fund, although dh makes enough that we could be comfortable. I am just expensive to keep. I have been working out with my best friend for 2 years. Neither of us were making progress on the weight loss goals, so we signed up with a personal trainer on a 2-for-1 deal. Well, this has been a disaster for me. Not only have I gained weight (my clothes are tighter and my muffin-top is bulging more), I am in more pain and feel less fit. My blood sugars are not improving - I am very close to being diagnosed as a diabetic. Also, my bone density is getting worse despite doing everything I am supposed to do (weight bearing exercise, vitamin D/calcium/magnesium supplements and tests to determine why I am still having problems.) It just sucks when I feel like my body is betraying me. I am doing so much emotional eating - I feel like a failure at the gym because almost every exercise has to be modified for me due to my knee and back issues. I am trying to keep track of what I eat, but that seems to trigger more emotional binge eating. Between getting the flu last fall, my mom's illness and her passing, I feel like I am running full speed only to fall further and further behind.

 

I am not going to continue with this trainer after this month, but my exercise partner is continuing. I am afraid I am going to lose her since we will have different goals. then what will I do? I do NOT have the will-power to get up before 6AM without the motivation of not wanting to disappoint her.

 

I know this diatribe must sound like depression - it could be. However, anti-depressants are not the answer - the last time I was on them, I gained 30 pounds (which I haven't lost) and I became suicidal. I will never take that risk again. I feel like I am doing everything I can to beat this, but I am failing.

 

I ask for your prayers ... and maybe a joke or two?

[Impish]

:grouphug:

Look on the bright side. You could be 'The One Armed Wonder' :tongue_smilie:

[dirty ethel rackham]

:grouphug:

Look on the bright side. You could be 'The One Armed Wonder' :tongue_smilie:

 

:tongue_smilie:Yeah, I suppose. Not much else works these days, but the arms are still coordinated:0.

[Karen in CO]

:grouphug:

Oh - I wish I had a joke for you, but all I know are knock-knock jokes. Have you heard the one about the cow? Cows say Moo not Who?

 

First, 16yo boys in my humble experience are kind of that way. I was convinced that my ds would never be anything but a sulking lump even though he is incredibly bright. Weight lifting, playing sports, and a couple of outside classes helped him to survive his teen years until he started to think straight again. (well he's not really there yet, but I no longer fear the lump) A job was great for him too.

 

And 13yo boys? That is a difficult time. They are growing and changing so much. Discussions and reading together help a lot.

 

My 9yo dd sounds a lot like your. She is super bright with math, but couldn't be bothered to learn her facts. I started doing those ridiculous fact drills and flash cards that I had sworn I'd never use so that she could improve her speed. She was also hating math and feeling like she was no good at it because she thought she should be quicker at those simple things. I separated her computation from her actual math - so she is loving the math and growing her computation at different speeds. I'm not slowing her down in the fun stuff while she gets more confidence in the boring stuff. And one thing if you don't remember from when you were that age, smart girls are really sensitive.

 

You have had a rough year. You need to focus on getting your self filled again - you're running on empty. Take time to breathe. Maybe a yoga class might be better than a personal trainer. Relax, rest, care for yourself. You are not a failure.

 

That's my best pep talk. Now find somebody to give you a big hug.

[TXMomof4]

Coming from a mom who is in the middle of a month long confidence crisis - I would venture to guess that your kids are fine. I would bet that if you threw them in with other children the same age they would be academically equal or above AND their management skills would be equal. I remember being in 10th grade and just not turning in a paper because it wasn't long enough. Forget the idea that any grade is better than a zero - I took the zero. It wasn't my mom's fault. I certainly learned my lesson. It took a few knocks, but I certainly learned.

 

I can't help you with the physical aspect at all. I am in terrible shape and have no motivation to change that at this point. I'd rather spend my time obsessing on how I've ruined my children's lives, it's ever so much more productive.

 

Now, go get a hot cup of tea, a good book and sit still for 15 minutes and read something completely frivolous. That's my therapy of choice.

[Saille]

:grouphug:

Oh - I wish I had a joke for you, but all I know are knock-knock jokes. Have you heard the one about the cow? Cows say Moo not Who?

 

Or the interrupting cow one?

 

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow."

"Interrupting co-"

"MOOOOO!"

 

Here's my pep talk:

 

We are always going to see our children's smallest faults. They are going to seem much more egregious to us (knowing how much work we've put in) than to others. In all likelihood, your kids are well above the curve, but you want the very very best for all of them...of course you do! Some of these wrinkles will smooth out over time, with love and care. Some of them will do so outside your immediate presence and influence, but your child's growth will still take place on the foundation you so carefully helped him/her to build.

 

AFA the health problems, I'd say switch over to swimming (lower impact) or yoga (flexibility). Maybe you could shift focus slightly so that when you stress eat, you make sure you have *really delicious* healthy food in the house, like your very favorite fruit, or stuff you usually save to put in the kids' mouths rather than yours (I have that problem).

 

IKWYM about the anti-depressants...but I think you have to take some time to seriously nurture yourself if you're feeling so down.

 

:grouphug:

[jenL]

Sending you big hugs... and some prayers. I'm sorry your heart is hurting right now. One day at a time... that's become my motto. Let God hold you in His arms and carry you right now. You are not alone.:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

When my ds was 7 he announced he wanted to fly fighter jets and land on aircraft carriers. After my heart started again I said, "you can do whatever you want" and started dreaming longingly of my ds attending a service academy and becoming an astronaut and then going to Mars someday.

 

He's now 12, not into jets as much, looks at me strangely when asked to put his thoughts on paper, wants to wear the same shirt for days. I haven't looked into service academies lately, but his current level of self-discipline would not fly there I'm sure.

 

I still believe he can be whatever he wants, wants being the key word. He's still changing obsessions and I'm adjusting my sails as necessary.

 

In pirate speak they'll be days when we find the buried treasure (in our kids :D) and they'll be days where we'd rather be sitting on the beach by a fire with a jug of rum. If this be one of those days I'll bring some more rum, an extra log for the fire, and perhaps some chocolate from a far away land.

 

But tomorrow we shall continue to seek the treasure because that is what pirates do. Finding buried treasure is always an adventure (as in finding the heart of our children) but its always worth it. You can only fail if you quit looking.

 

You have not failed them, they are in the process of being discovered and it is only with your help that they will succeed.

 

[laughing lioness]

:iagree:, what they said. Can I join you on the beach? :grouphug:!

[Susan in TN]

First...:grouphug:

 

Next...

Knock Knock!

(Who's there?)

Sarah

(Sarah who?)

Sarah reason you're not laughing? :lol:

 

(dd told me that one a few minutes ago.)

 

Lastly, since I consider you as a source of some of the most helpful and down-to-earth advice on the planet, would you indulge me a little and tell me about the Neurodevelopmental therapy your son was in? We are looking into it for my 5yo who has some cognitive and speech delays and sensitivity issues. (Shoot - most of us in this house have "issues" of one kind or another. :tongue_smilie:) The only place nearby is out of a center called Hope and a Future (based in Utah) and they are closely related to Little Giant Steps in Texas.

 

You are my pirate-y hero!

[Saille]

Knock Knock!

(Who's there?)

Sarah

(Sarah who?)

Sarah reason you're not laughing? :lol:

 

SO much better than the old "Is Sarah doctor in the house?" saw!

[Lizzie in Ma]

(((Ellen))

Bless your heart, sorry I didn't see this yesterday.

I hope and pray you are feeling a little less overwhelmed this morning.

[Harriet Vane]

Aw, Ellen. I'm sorry. It sounds overwhelming.

 

I wish we lived closer--we could be workout buddies. I have similar issues, physically. I hate working out in a class or with people because of the modifications I have to make due to knee and neck issues. I'm actually glad to know someone else out there can relate! Add in the chronic anemia and ongoing weird hormonal issues that may or may not be perimenopause and it's just a mess. Additionally, I used to have one of those amazing metabolisms--I used to be super skinny and used to actually try hard to GAIN weight. I do not know why, but once I birthed ds that metabolism was gone, and no matter how much I exercise or how carefully I eat (and trust me, I eat soooo healthfully!!!!) I cannot seem to lose any weight at all. My doctor was convinced it was a thyroid problem but those tests have come up negative.

 

I think all parents fret over whether or not they have ruined their kids. I know I do. I beat myself up constantly for every failure, every homeschool compromise, every day that is less than ideal. Between my health issues nibbling away in the background and other significant stressors affecting daily living there is a lot to beat myself up about.

 

No advice, just :grouphug: and commiseration. And a reassurance that you haven't ruined anyone.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Thank you to everyone for your words of encouragement! The jokes definitely helped. I shared them with my kids and we all had a laugh. After I spent the morning sulking, I got out of the house (had to take my son to his bio lab class) and chatted with a friend and did some planning for the upcoming InHome conference. Getting away really helped. Dh helped ds in the evening and we found out that ds was not, in fact, avoiding taking the late quiz, but had to complete something and get word back from the teacher before he could move on. Why couldn't he just tell me that? Also, having dh listen and work at enforcing things with me made me feel like I didn't have to shoulder the load alone. I have to remind myself that this is not a sprint, but a marathon and I felt like I hit the wall with 10 more miles to go.

 

Strider, I would love to be closer to you to work out. We do share a lot of the same issues. I didn't have any trouble losing weight until the 3rd baby. I was a skinny person until I hit my late 30's. I also have a thyroid issue and we both have that same knee problem that fitness gurus just don't seem to understand. I can't tell you how many times people tell me I should do tai chi and just the thought of those positions makes my knees scream in pain. I would love to do yoga, but, again, the type of knee pain I live with would make many of the yoga positions anything but relaxing.

 

ETA: Oh, and I made the decision to join Weight Watchers. I knew that a skinny mini trainer was not going to be able to relate to my issues with emotional eating. I really feel that I need support from people on the same journey and could understand where the eating issues come from. I have a couple neighbors who had great success with them after years of trying it on their own. We will see how that goes.

Edited February 9, 2010 by dirty ethel rackham