SW in IL Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 DS is 15 but is behind in most subjects (doing basically junior high level work instead of high school as we work to get him caught up). The problem we have all too frequently -- almost daily -- is DS claiming he doesn't understand what he's supposed to do. For example... I wrote out an assignment sheet listing page numbers or whatever for a few subjects. Life got in the way and the sheet got put aside for 2 weeks (over Christmas due to last minute visitation with his father). So I crossed out a few of the items on the list and rescheduled them for later in the spring. If something is crossed out in his workbook, it means don't do this. Then I circled and drew arrows to 2 of the other assignments. When something is circled in the book, it means to do it... Arrows mean to pay attention to something. I put the list where he'd easily find it and told him about the list. The next couple of days I was too busy (taking care of things with my mom who is elderly) to check up on his progress. A few days pass and I ask to see his work... He didn't do anything. He says he "didn't understand" what he was supposed to do. On to math... He was originally supposed to do a few pages of division. I talked to him about it and he said he didn't understand how to do it. I asked what it was that he didn't understand, he said he didn't remember. I got the book out and opened it to the first page hoping to jog his memory -- he went into a rage yelling that he didn't remember, he doesn't understand (and more that we won't go into). He does not have any special needs when it comes to learning as far as we know. Everyone I've spoken with think he's just using the "don't understand" as an excuse to get out of doing the work. We tried putting him in junior high last year for a few months but it turned out to be a disaster -- even his teachers there said there was no reason he couldn't do the work and that he used the "don't undersand" excuse to get out of working. What do you do with a child like this? Thanks, Sue mom.wilson@comcast.net Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 (edited) The first priority with this child is dealing with his emotional issues. Does he live with is father? Are you separated/divorced? How is your son handling his feelings about that? Perhaps resisting school work is the way he expresses or manages his grief. FWIW, if he is flying into a rage -- at you, his mother -- you have already lost the battle to teach him subjects. At that point, the main lessons will be (a) how will you both handle his outbursts of emotion and (b) how will you both handle his disrespect of you? I think that academics are the least of your concerns with this young man. As for his resistance to academics, I don't know if you can successfully fight that at this point. He's 15, so his foot-dragging attitude might only get adjusted by the hard knocks of life. Require him to get a job. Require it. If he won't work on "school work," insist that he work on "man work" -- something intensely physical, like yard work. What are his father's attitudes towards academics? work? Someone in this young man's life needs to be demonstrating that a man works at the tasks that are his to do, that a man resourcefully overcomes obstacles on his own initiative, that a man doesn't hide behind excuses. If you think your son is being too passive or too lazy, then you might need to speak into his life on that point. Learning takes an inner motivation that your son doesn't seem to have. You can't put it in there, except by your own example of life-long learning, but you can pray (if you do that), and you can require some kind of work out of him. If not one type, then another. HTH. Ask a man you respect and trust work through all of these books with your son: http://www.amazon.com/Boyhood-Beyond-Practical-Wisdom-Becoming/dp/1883934095 http://www.amazon.com/Created-Work-Practical-Insights-Young/dp/1883934117/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264155707&sr=1-2 http://www.amazon.com/Practical-Happiness-Young-Guide-Contented/dp/1883934133/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264155732&sr=1-3 Edited January 22, 2010 by Sahamamama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karenciavo Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I would give him 100% of my attention for a few weeks and then slowly give him more independence. Teach through the day, immediately grade his work (or at least by the end of the day), go over mistakes that same day or the next. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I would give him 100% of my attention for a few weeks and then slowly give him more independence. Teach through the day, immediately grade his work (or at least by the end of the day), go over mistakes that same day or the next. :iagree: Teach him the math lesson and observe how he tackles the problems, for example. Do you see a "disconnect" with being able to master the concept? Is the work too hard? Do you need to go back a couple of chapters and reteach the concept? My other thought is have you officially had him tested to screen out any Learning Disabilities like dyslexia or processing disorders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I would give him 100% of my attention for a few weeks and then slowly give him more independence. Teach through the day, immediately grade his work (or at least by the end of the day), go over mistakes that same day or the next. :iagree: I would give him your individed attention. Dont expect him to be able to do anything independently. If there are some serious gaps...he might feel really bad about not having understood anything taught him after those gaps- he might be telling the truth that he doesnt understand, but its also a defense because hes upset about it. Its humiliating to not understand when everyone aroudn you appears to. Can you help him know it's not his fault he cant do it? I would literally devote a few weeks to sitting right next to him every day- get really in tune with where he is at in his skills. Mybe he cant do division. Maybe he cant do all sorts of things. He probably cant self teach yet, either. You cant just hand over the reigns. He will want to become independent as quickly as possible. Hes 15. I still have to sit with my 14yo son a fair bit at times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I would give him 100% of my attention for a few weeks and then slowly give him more independence. Teach through the day, immediately grade his work (or at least by the end of the day), go over mistakes that same day or the next. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I think everyone has got it nailed. Whatever is going on with him I would be tempted to believe him when he said he didn't understand. Maybee he can't articulate why but that's really not unusual in teenagers. I remember my own struggle with not being able to adequately communicate myself at that age. Frankly, you admit the sheet was put aside, edited, edited again. It's not unlikely at all that what it ended up being in the end and what seems simple to you is confusing to someone coming to it fresh, especially when that someone is a teenager. I would really just take him at his word. It really doesn't matter what's going on. The fact is that for now, he needs you right there beside him to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 (edited) I would give him 100% of my attention for a few weeks and then slowly give him more independence. Teach through the day, immediately grade his work (or at least by the end of the day), go over mistakes that same day or the next. Absolutely. ETA: I think this is the right response *whether*or*not* he's using this excuse to manipulate you and get out of work. Edited January 22, 2010 by abbeyej Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I would not listen to the folks from his school who say that he's just using an excuse. They said that my son was manipulating me because he could NOT handle school emotionally. He was NOT manipulating me, there's a big difference between a kid acting out to get attention and a kid loathing himself because he can't do the work he's expected to do. I think you should trust your child, be glad that he's letting you know he's having problems with the work, and help him with it. You'll have to put other things on the back burner for now, and make him your number one priority. It seems a bit adversarial to hear you say he's faking and making up an excuse, so if you really believe that about your child then just pretend he doesn't understand and pretend that you aren't angry about his saying so and teach him as though he doesn't understand ANY of it anyway. Or hire a tutor, they are very sensitive to the self esteem issues children who are struggling with academics can have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I think if you listen to: Everyone I've spoken with think he's just using the "don't understand" as an excuse to get out of doing the work. We tried putting him in junior high last year for a few months but it turned out to be a disaster -- even his teachers there said there was no reason he couldn't do the work and that he used the "don't undersand" excuse to get out of working. you're going to have a situation on your hands that you'll never be able to get control of again. This is an emotional issue, completely. I really agree with what everyone else said, and I hope you can clear your slate to do it-you need to spend time with him. He needs your undivided attention. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 http://www.amazon.com/Boyhood-Beyond-Practical-Wisdom-Becoming/dp/1883934095 http://www.amazon.com/Created-Work-Practical-Insights-Young/dp/1883934117/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264155707&sr=1-2 http://www.amazon.com/Practical-Happiness-Young-Guide-Contented/dp/1883934133/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264155732&sr=1-3 Totally agree with what everyone else has said. You NEED to focus on him and give him your complete attention. My 13yo son has a lot of trouble remembering the steps involved in long division and lots of other math concepts. He is not a slacker and is usually up and at school very early, but needs things re-explained a lot. Also wanted to add that these three books are favorites of my son's - he's read the first two and is halfway through the third and loves them all. The author is down-to-earth and has a very friendly style and tone of writing. He says the things I want to say but just sound better coming from a man, kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 In my house, this is code for, "I looked at the paper and the answer did not jump immediately to mind." IOW, I don't want to put the effort into figuring it out. The only way to handle this is sitting by them and holding their hands. That allows you to see if they really understand and if not why not? It also allows you to give step by step instructions on how to break the problems into managable step. It means that he is not quite ready for so much independence. That's not all a bad thing. There are issues in my life that I am not capable of handling on my own either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I agree with the pp - he needs you to be with him and to teach him. Sit at the table with him. Commit to doing this for several hours each day, to talk about his work, to hear him express his thoughts, to discuss books and films you read and watch together. Ask a man you respect and trust work through all of these books with your son: http://www.amazon.com/Boyhood-Beyond-Practical-Wisdom-Becoming/dp/1883934095 http://www.amazon.com/Created-Work-Practical-Insights-Young/dp/1883934117/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264155707&sr=1-2 http://www.amazon.com/Practical-Happiness-Young-Guide-Contented/dp/1883934133/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264155732&sr=1-3 I gather these books are all written from a Christian perspective? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I gather these books are all written from a Christian perspective? Yes, they are, but as with all books, you can" eat the meat and spit out the bones" if you are not a Christian. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 Yes, they are, but as with all books, you can" eat the meat and spit out the bones" if you are not a Christian. Not if you're a vegetarian :D:D:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 Not if you're a vegetarian :D:D:D :lol::lol::lol: How about eat the fruit, spit out the seeds?:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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