Pongo Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 So my dh told me, that my MIL is most likely going to be coming to our home church of 8 years. This is my place of safety, I am 1 of the three Worship Leaders as well as the Children's Choir Director. I am in a woman's band, we do retreats, and conferences. I love it there! My MIL has been going to a church where my BIL was pastoring at. He had a 2 year contract, it's up, he left. My BIL and SIL started church shopping, and after quite a few jabs in the past about our church, they have decided to start coming, go figure. They have 6 kids and we are really close, I adore my SIL but my MIL has ALWAYS followed them to where ever they went. At my ds soccer game, my SIL who was waiting for her ds to play, told my dh that my MIL was thinking of coming to our church because she was the only one going somewhere else, and how it would be nice if we were together. I am in tears, this is awful. My dh told my SIL, if she came I would probably leave the church. Then he asked me if I would actually leave. This is just terrible. Keeping her at a distance has kept me sane. She has by far been one of the meanest people to me!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Surround yourself with the worship team, the children's choir, the woman's band etc. She is likely to behave better in public at church. Ask dh to have the car waiting as a getaway vehicle for immediately afterward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Maybe she'll change her tune when she sees what a respected person you are in your home ground? Try not to let her crowd you out. She's the newbie, not you. :grouphug: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pongo Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 Surround yourself with the worship team, the children's choir, the woman's band etc. She is likely to behave better in public at church. Ask dh to have the car waiting as a getaway vehicle for immediately afterward. :auto: :lol:, I needed that laugh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pongo Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 Maybe she'll change her tune when she sees what a respected person you are in your home ground? Try not to let her crowd you out. She's the newbie, not you. :grouphug: Rosie I really hope I don't coward away. She tends to push herself right in. She will sign up for everything, hug and kiss everyone. Talk about how wonderful her family is. Everyone will love her, and then at the next family get together she'll casually walk by me and make a rude comment. Thank God I never talked about our relationship, people would think I was crazy, because to know her casually shes Mother Theresa:glare:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmoe Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Fay, I'm sorry. No words of wisdom, but did want to say that I think we have the same mother! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I really hope I don't coward away. She tends to push herself right in. She will sign up for everything, hug and kiss everyone. Talk about how wonderful her family is. Everyone will love her, and then at the next family get together she'll casually walk by me and make a rude comment. Thank God I never talked about our relationship, people would think I was crazy, because to know her casually shes Mother Theresa:glare:. I'm so sorry, I TOTALLY relate. I could never go to the same church as my MIL OR my own mom. It would, indeed, be horrible. The one thing I would put a stop to regardless is rude comments. I stopped that years ago w/ my MIL. My DH and I call her on every single rude or improper thing she says. Every. Single. One. She doesn't do it much anymore. Don't let anyone get away with treating you that way. If my MIL is rude to anyone in our family, my Dh will tell her in no uncertain terms that we will be back to visit her after she apologizes. She always does because she knows he means it. If he gets one. single. word. of argument from her, he just walks out the door. Take the upper hand. Be kind, quiet and respecful, but don't take her crap!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pongo Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 My DH and I call her on every single rude or improper thing she says. Every. Single. One. My dh did a couple of times, but she gets so MEAN to him. She leaves him feeling deflated and I feel like it's all my fault. She goes crazy, crying hysterically saying it's not her fault she is alone (my dh's dad passed away 10 years ago). It's an awful mess. I feel sick to my stomach. I think I would just die if I see her there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 My dh did a couple of times, but she gets so MEAN to him. She leaves him feeling deflated and I feel like it's all my fault. . Not your fault your hubby was born to this woman. You weren't there, were you? !:svengo:! Have you tried asking your hubby to be angry instead of deflated? There is a time and place for anger and the expression thereof. There's a time and place for a disgusted look and promptly leaving too. If she's quicker with words than he is, I'd recommend the latter course of action. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Don't leave. Consider it your opportunity to take the high ground. If she is going to mean to you on your turf, that proves her the rotten egg. Others will see her for what she is, and they will support you through it, if they are true friends. Why should you have to leave your own church anyway? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Don't leave. Consider it your opportunity to take the high ground. If she is going to mean to you on your turf, that proves her the rotten egg. Others will see her for what she is, and they will support you through it, if they are true friends. Why should you have to leave your own church anyway? :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asta Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I have a story for you, it's a bit long, but I think you should read it. I met my MIL in 1983, when I first met my (now) husband. I wasn't dating him, I had simply met him at a party when he was on leave from the military. I knew immediately he was "the one". I was 14. He was 18. I never saw him again. Fast forward. I am 18 and in the military (not because of him). By pure chance, I am stationed 2 blocks away from him. I am legal. :) We start dating. Hey, I was right, he was the one... A couple years later, he takes me home to meet his mother. Oh, holy mother of God. Venom does not begin to cover it. She: *ignored me *refused to speak to me *set hubby up on a date(s) with a woman she knew from work *pleaded with him to "dump the harlot" *had FIL "have a sit down" with hubby to bribe him to leave me (just found this one out) *deliberately gave me humiliating presents in front of the family at holidays *showed up raving drunk, wearing sunglasses, at our wedding (oh, joyful pictures, those...) - this was after having called all of the relatives trying to convince them not to come because of where we were having the reception. She was angry that we did not allow her to plan the wedding and reception (we were older and were paying for the entire thing ourselves) *berated me when we had our child for doing everything from childbirth to child rearing, wrong *took every single opportunity to inform me of how perfect my SIL was *took every single opportunity to inform me and hubby of how great BIL and his life was, and what a loser hubby was (full disclosure: BIL was always a mama's boy, and hubby was a daddy's boy - dad has passed) Despite all of the above, we would call her about once every 2 weeks. We made sure that DS had a GREAT relationship with her. We would fly her out for holidays. We would fly to her for visits. We would go on vacations with her. Even though we knew it would devolve into nasty 7 times out of 10. As the years went by, some of the *types* of nasty went by to be replaced by others, and we recognized a pattern of illness. Still nothing we could do anything about, but at least understandable. So, MIL died this past summer. At the funeral, it dawned on me that I had spent 26 years more or less hating this woman. And she was a brilliant woman. Literally. She could do organic chemistry in. her. head. She was incredibly well read. She had an answer for almost any thing you could think of - encyclopedic knowledge. And she wasn't all bad. In her mind, she was protecting her son, who, as I have learned over the years, is pretty clumsy in the personal relationship department. She already knew this - I did not. And then I began to cry. Great, wracking sobs. I'm sure some people thought I was a hypocrite, as everyone knew of our seemingly horrible relationship. But her sister and nieces came to me, and they understood. They knew exactly what it was I had just realized. One niece took me aside to tell me that MIL made her promise never to tell me, but that I was MILs favorite daughter. Niece figured that, since MIL was dead...eh. MIL was apparently "so proud" of how I'd raised DS into a bright, respectful young man, and that I'd stuck with my marriage, since she knew how difficult DH could be. As I raise my own son (who is pretty clumsy in the personal relationship department), I can understand her fierceness against someone like myself, who was all bluster and full of righteous indignation. Someone who was quite a bit like herself, but whose life was turning out quite differently due to the time in which I was living, and the choices I was allowed to make (that she was not). Every day I realize something that MIL taught me, be it some obscure fact that helps me to teach DS, or a bit about DHs past that puts DSs behavior into perspective. And practically every day I, or DS have some fleeting question where I say "I don't know, but MIL would". But I was too angry to ask her when she was here. Hate requires a great deal of spiritual and physical energy. Let it go. asta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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