wwyd: potty training

[Tap]

Dd2 will be dd3 in 6 weeks. She has been going through the motions For.A.Year. She wants to be potty trained, will take down her pants, put the kid ring on, try to go, wipe, redress, wash hands with soap, and dry. She just can't 'release' on command. Within minutes she will wet her diaper, so I know she had something in her bladder. This has been going on for a year....so it isn't a 'she just couldn't go right then' issue.

 

We have done weekend potty training boot camp, about every 3 months, hoping to catch a few successes to build on. It never took. The doctor says there is nothing wrong with her, just isn't ready.

 

Due to a back injury in the spring, she has been in daycare full time since May (she always has gone 2 days a week when I am at work). We waited until this fall, when our lives are settled into a routine, enlisted daycares help and she has been in panties since last Monday.

 

Day 8. If we say "do you need to go?", rarely she will say "yes" and be successful. Usually she says "no" and then wet herself. We have tried motivators like marshmallows (her fave) and it really didn't help. We have tried just putting her on the potty every 15 minutes, it is clear that the successes are random, and she isn't getting trained, we are. I can honestly say that we are no further today, than last Monday.

 

 

So, do we keep pushing or should I just bag it, and try again later?

 

 

As a side note: she is adopted and her bio-mom did drugs while pg. Her behavior therapist told me last year that drug affected kids, often don't potty train until later.

Edited September 22, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just turning 3 is still fairly young. You could just hold off awhile.

 

On the other hand, what worked for ds when he was that age was telling him that the signal was getting a "tickle" feeling down there. My very word oriented kid needed to be told what the feeling was like!

[KidsHappen]

A "they will do it when they are ready" approach worked for me. My 18 year old and 16 year old trained at the same time. The older was 4 and a half and the younger about 3. There was nothing wrong with either of them they were just late. As a matter of fact, all my girls were late which is weird because I have always heard that boys are harder to train but my son was completely trained at two and a half. I say give it a rest for awhile.

[Mommyof4ks]

My dd did not potty train until 3.5 and she had nothing wrong with her at all, so I would not push it yet. My middle son did not potty train until 4 grrrr. I do understand that I am in the minority among my friends on this, but hey they did potty train so I am happy.

[IsabelC]

I would keep trying, because it's unlikely that she is not capable of toilet learning, since she has no disabilities or medical conditions that would prevent it.

 

However, having said that, I'd also say be careful about how much you 'push' in case that is making it worse. She might be feeling upset, ashamed and/or tense about toileting if you are punishing her in any way for not being trained. I don't just mean actual punishments, but anything she perceives as a punishment, eg if you are sick and tired of changing diapers, and she senses your frustration.

 

On the other hand, she might be playing a game with it, because she senses that you are anxious about it and she can wield power over you by refusing to pee in the toilet or potty.

 

If either of these things is happening, it may help if you can back off and concentrate on being relaxed about toileting. It's better that you leave it another few months than having it become a major battle that stresses both you and your child.

 

Do you use washable diapers or disposable? If you have been using disposables, it might be worth putting her in cloth diapers or training pants. Some children are more amenable to toileting if they can really feel the wetness after an accident.

 

Also, you can ask her to rinse her underwear out ready for washing whenever she wets. This is not a punishment, but a natural consequence of wetting. It teaches children who don't want to stop playing and go potty that it would actually be faster and easier to use the toilet.

[ChristusG]

Potty training is not an issue I'm willing to put a lot of effort into. It's basically a "when they are ready, it will happen" type of thing for us. I try every so often with DD2 (she's 2.5 right now). Like your DD, she cannot release when she wants to....she doesn't understand how to control those muscles yet. Soon after I take her off the potty, she will go in her diaper. DD #1 (who is now 5.5) did the exact same thing. Something finally clicked when she was nearly 3.5 years old. And it occured so EASILY. I'm not willing to make potty training an issue. I know some people brag that they had their kids trained at 18 months old because they let them run naked around the house.....ummm, yeah....definitely not for us. Waaaaay too much clean up there. And waaaay too much stress for Mommy. I won't lock myself in the house for a week straight for potty training boot camp or something of the like. When it happens, it happens. I just give it a try, every few months, for about a day and see how it goes.

[EthiopianFood]

Have you tried giving her something to do while she sits? I've had the same thing happen with dd (we do ec), where I know she has to go, and goes RIGHT AFTER she gets up. Sometimes they just need time to relax (my nonexpert theory is that she has to forget about it to be able to go).

 

How long did you try the every 15 minute thing? My niece has unofficial FASD, and things just take longer for her, as you said. She might need more "successes" for her to retain the lesson.

[Tangerine]

A "they will do it when they are ready" approach worked for me.

 

:iagree:

 

My DD potty training was years in the making. She was well past 4.

DS took the suggestion that we try underpants as a mandate, and never needed a diaper again. I don't think there is anything I could have done to change the outcome, and it would have just stressed me out unnecessarily.

[eternalknot]

She wants to be potty trained, will take down her pants, put the kid ring on, try to go, wipe, redress, wash hands with soap, and dry. She just can't 'release' on command. Within minutes she will wet her diaper, so I know she had something in her bladder. This has been going on for a year....so it isn't a 'she just couldn't go right then' issue.

 

Maybe it's a "couldn't go right then in that way" ...? I think sometimes it is easier for little kids to use a kids' potty chair than it is to use the adult toilet (with or without the kid ring). They are able to position their bodies so that gravity works with them - feet flat on a supportive surface, and in a squat or semi-squat. It might be worth a shot to buy an inexpensive kids' toilet (or even just to use a dedicated tupperware bowl that she could squat over) to see if that makes any difference. If nothing else you could add it to the "I darn near tried everything!" list LOL.

 

Day 8. If we say "do you need to go?", rarely she will say "yes" and be successful. Usually she says "no" and then wet herself. We have tried motivators like marshmallows (her fave) and it really didn't help.

 

I potty trained five kids. Eventually I realized that the instead of "Do you need to" I ought to be saying, "It's time to try." And that's what we do. Sometimes we hit the jackpot, sometimes it's 30 seconds of warming the porcelain and nothing else. But we try, based on external cues, until the internal ones are more finely honed. External cues would be things like: we're out in public, and when one goes we ALL try to go; it's been x-minutes since consuming a beverage; it's been x-hours since the last potty; etc.

 

We have tried just putting her on the potty every 15 minutes, it is clear that the successes are random, and she isn't getting trained, we are.

 

We start potty training very early. So early that most people say that it isn't the child who is trained, but the adult. And I'm actually way okay with that! If for no other reason that it meant less diapers for me to wash :tongue_smilie:but also because it is true. There seems to be some kind of stigma against the parent being trained, but really ... to me it just makes more sense to try to be PROactive than to be REactive. Proactive is the parent 'being trained' to take the kid at certain intervals. Reactive is relying solely on a child's internal cues, which might not yet be fully developed so she soils herself before the parent becomes involved.

 

Again, my bias is that I come from old country, backwoods rice patty people - potty training began at birth because the less it interfered with farm responsibilities ... the better. Even though my generation no longer lives this kind of life, this and other practices have carried over into our lives because they just make sense.

 

So, do we keep pushing or should I just bag it, and try again later?

 

Even though her few successes have no rhyme or reason to them, they are still successes. I'd just keep doing what you're doing in a very low-key way. This is a skill she needs to learn, and will learn. Repeated exposure to the skill will help, even if it doesn't seem to be immediately helpful. Hyperfocus on developing this skill on someone else's timeline will certainly bring other issues into play (power struggles, anxiety, etc), so rather than push it be respectful of her timeline whilst not succumbing fully to it. Be okay with the idea that you are going to be trained before she is; and use your training to further her successes. Before long she'll have the skill down pat by herself.

 

Until then, :grouphug: because I know it can be frustrating. For all parties!

[Tap]

Thanks everyone, I guess I just needed to hear that it was okay to give up this time. I guess it is just the commitment it takes, on the parents part, to get through the trials of training, that make it hard for me to give up. I am committed...her body isn't. I guess that is the problem. She wants to be potty trained, she asks to try.

 

My older two were completely potty trained at 2yo, so while 3 isn't uncommon, it is not what I am used to.

 

Here is what we have tried so far:

We have tried/used: potty chair (very stable), cushy small toilet ring, hard small toilet ring with handles, stool for feet, daycare has a traditional kid size commode, and we have tried having her sit backwards (easier to hold on), and holing on to us. Nothing made a difference.

 

We have tried treat motivators, song/dance, stickers, serious talks (not scolding-never punishing), not saying anything, cheering, good peer pressure (friends cheering her on at daycare) and verbal accolades (among others). We only focus on the positive. We have had different people focus on it, but she doesn't perform for anyone.

 

We have used fun panties, dresses (so she feels the trickle on her leg), cheap diapers in the time leading up to the training (so she feels more of the discomfort), Pull-ups (a reward for trying as she Loves Pull-ups) and going nekid.

 

We have allowed her extra fluids, to increase the likely hood of successes.

 

We have tried books, toys and sitting with her to give her time.

Edited September 22, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap

[EthiopianFood]

Do whatever you feel is best for your child, first and foremost. With that said, I really think it would be perfectly acceptable, considering ALL that you have tried, to tell her that if she wants to use the potty, she can feel free. Keep her in something that will allow her to feel when she wets, so she knows what is going on down there. Then just let it go. Really, it's okay. :)

[Sugarfoot]

This sounds a lot like my DD, who just turned 3. We "gave it up" and put her back in diapers for a couple of months. Then, when she wanted to try again, it was like she was finally ready. Sometimes, a little maturity/development helps a bunch!

[Pamela H in Texas]

The method that I use (Potty Train in a Day) may solve this issue. The reason this works is that they have a lot more experience in a very short period of time rather than having 1-4 hours between potty times. Instead, they have the opportunity to really understand the sensation and how to work.

 

The other thing is that some kids do better with a potty seat, sitting backwards on the toilet, etc because it gives them more support so they can relax on the potty.

 

But though the great majority of 2yos can easily potty train with a little training, this is for average kids. This kiddo has some differences that may be playing a part. I'd probably still try but if within a couple days, you don't see a difference, I'd wait a couple months to try again.

 

I really hate the idea of 3yos in diapers when I know that almost every single one could be using the potty, but that has to be tempered with that all children are individuals. There is going to be a tiny percentage of 3yr olds that just aren't there (and a small percentage of parents who just should wait rather than becoming monsters while potty training).

 

Almost every child will be potty trained by school-age. At 25, it really doesn't matter whether they learn at 18mo or 4.5 yrs.

[TraceyS/FL]

My middle DD was 3.5 before she was ready. She just couldn't get it al together until then - and heck, and 10 still has a hard time recognizing that she has to go. It's always a last minute thing for her - hoping OT dealing with her sensory issues helps in that area. OT says it should.

 

So she is clearly showing that she isn't ready, so i'd just wait a bit. Having my first 90% trained at 18 months, and then the next going to 3.5... well it seemed like she was ANCIENT! LOL!!

 

Hang in there!