Couch surfing young adults?

[Karen in CO]

My ds is home from college for a few weeks between semesters so he is hanging out with his friends. The other night he asked if one of his friends could spend the night. The boy came over with a duffel bag. I didn't think much about it because 19yo boys are weird; however, when they were getting ready to go out the next morning, he pulled out a dry pair of shoes since his shoes had gotten wet the previous night. That made me suspicious. The kid used to live about 3 blocks from us. He is working and going to college, but is apparently homeless. He just goes from friend to friend. He's waiting to get enough money and a couple of friends together to rent an apartment. I think I now know 4 or 5 of these kids between the age of 16 and 20 that have moved out of their parent's house but can't afford a place of their own. (I'd probably know more if my ds were still at home full-time) I feed them and let them shower and do laundry at my house when they come by. I guess I treat them like I would hope someone would treat my kids.

 

Does anyone else know couch-surfing homeless kids? Do you offer them your couch? These kids graduate from high school with no way to earn enough money to support themselves even working full-time. It just seems like there are more and more of them, if you look closely. I don't think they are even counted as part of the homeless population.

[elegantlion]

I know a few adults like that. :glare: My dh has gone out of his way to help a few and just this week ended up getting royally "taken" by one of them. It's been a very raw week. But this guy was in his 40s and, well..., he knew better.

 

However, yes, I would hope if we encountered teens in that situation that I would open my home to them for a period of time. My dh would probably recruit them to work (he's a carpenter) and allow them to earn some money to help them out.

 

My dh has also told our ds that our door will be open for him if necessary.

[Happy]

My oldest son has been one of those for a time in his life. He would have rather bum around than live in our home, save up money, and build a career. It amuses me in a dark sort of way because he was nicer in other people's homes than he was in ours.

 

It seems so aimless...

[Karen in CO]

Some of the ones I know have been kicked out of their houses, but most just choose to not live at home.

 

I know this kid's parents. Sounds funny, but he comes from "such a nice family." He is a sweet boy too. He helped make waffles for breakfast this morning, and yesterday I had both of them moving furniture for me. I just don't understand it, but I think that mine might be the same place if he hadn't gone away to school.

[Ottakee]

My husband's cousin's kids wanted to couch surf here BUT they were into drugs and other undesirable behavior.

 

If though we had a kid that was nice and respectful that needed a place to stay we would do it---keeping in mind that we have 2 young teen girls in the house.

 

We 5 years we had a boy (from ages 11-16) stay with us every weekend. His parents told him he had to find a place to go each weekend. We bought him clothes, washed any clothes/coats he came with, gave him showers, got him haircuts, shoes, etc.

 

I know in our area unemployment is about 22%. It is TOUGH to find a job, even for those that really WANT to work. I would though expect them to help out around the house, do some yard work, etc. in exchange for staying with us.

[elegantlion]

My oldest son has been one of those for a time in his life. He would have rather bum around than live in our home, save up money, and build a career. It amuses me in a dark sort of way because he was nicer in other people's homes than he was in ours.

 

It seems so aimless...

 

Perhaps backpacking through Europe has gotten too expensive. It would be an interesting cultural experience, just to hang with your friends families for a while.

[Happy]

Perhaps backpacking through Europe has gotten too expensive. It would be an interesting cultural experience, just to hang with your friends families for a while.

 

At least backpacking in Europe gives a kid the opportunity to learn through the act of travel and one has to think about how to get around. Couch surfing seems to be more about what's on TV and avoiding real responsibility--going to school, learning a job in order to advance, reading instead of watching the latest blow 'em up movie.

 

Is that part of it? Are we as a society are beginning to see the results of the first real video game generation...taught to entertain themselves through TV...and not to think or interact with others. When it's time to 'move to the next level' they don't know how to do it. Maybe there should be some cheat codes on the internet somewhere.

 

I know, I know, I'm looking at this through negative glasses because of my own son's lack of drive and direction.

[elegantlion]

At least backpacking in Europe gives a kid the opportunity to learn through the act of travel and one has to think about how to get around. Couch surfing seems to be more about what's on TV and avoiding real responsibility--going to school, learning a job in order to advance, reading instead of watching the latest blow 'em up movie.

 

Is that part of it? Are we as a society are beginning to see the results of the first real video game generation...taught to entertain themselves through TV...and not to think or interact with others. When it's time to 'move to the next level' they don't know how to do it. Maybe there should be some cheat codes on the internet somewhere.

 

I know, I know, I'm looking at this through negative glasses because of my own son's lack of drive and direction.

 

Very interesting perspective. My ds is 11 and has a tendency toward "visual entertainment". We went walking on a nature trail the other day and we got to watch two alligators as they were hanging out with turtles. It was our first foray at watching wild gators and ds kept waiting for them to do something, like eat a turtle. I was enthralled and he got bored because they weren't doing anything. Duh, they're being gators. You've given some perspective to think about, thanks.

[ravengal]

I don't have much sympathy for able-bodied couch surfers who are old enough to be living on their own. Several of these kids could pool their resources and get an inexpensive apartment, but often choose to forgo doing "hard things" to get ahead in life. Unless they can't live at home due to abuse, I wouldn't enable them by providing my home as a soft place to land. Sometimes kids use pleasant and nice behavior as a way to get others to take care of them.

 

If you let them stay, put very clear boundaries in place.

[KingM]

I can sympathize. I really struggled financially my first year out of the house. Basically, I didn't have enough money to pay my expenses and go to college and wasn't getting much help from my parents.

 

Things started to turn around when I got a job waiting tables. It was exhausting work, but paid better and allowed me to tailor my schedule to my classes.

[LaxMom]

I suspect this is the result of many factors:

1) There seems to be a distinct lack of ambition among our new crop of young adults. (Obviously not all of them, nobody get your back up because your kid is industrious) I know my husband had interesting discussions about the "new generation" when he was in grad school. The general gist of it was that these kids are appearing for job interviews and dictating the terms of their employment, like the hours they're available to work, as dictated by their social schedule. It's the pendulum swing from the yuppie '80s.

2) The economy is in the tank. Even if they are willing to work long hours for little pay, there are sooo many applicants for any given position, the odds are simply not in their favor.

3) I think it is a cultural thing that, when you turn 18, you're out on your own. Whether parents are dictating that or the kids decide they need to be out, the effect is the same. Unfortunately, we are no longer in a place where newly fledged teen-adults can support themselves.

 

My husband lived at home until he moved in with me. At 28. I think his younger brother was around the same age. His sister is 35, a teacher, and still lives at home. In their area, having worked in the same place since she graduated from college, she would not be able to afford her own place, unless it was highly questionable. My in-laws have a rare ability to segue from living with children to living with adult children (and treat them like adults), though.

[KingM]

I suspect this is the result of many factors:

1) There seems to be a distinct lack of ambition among our new crop of young adults.

 

Hmm, I don't agree. Well, I do, but I don't think this marks any great change. My generation was called Generation X, the Slacker Generation. The previous generation had the Animal House reputation, and before that were the Sixties hippies, flower children, or whatever. We've been lazy bums for at least fifty years now. ;)

[LaxMom]

I'm an X-er (at least my husband insists that I am) and I am completely scandalized by the idea of appearing at a job interview and telling the interviewer I am not available on Wednesday mornings because I have a yoga class and Tuesday and Thursdays I will be leaving early for my book club and happy hour with friends. :001_huh: That is, apparently, the new trend (at least before the tanking of the economy).

 

I spent my teen years in a pretty affluent area, too, and almost all of my peers had jobs in high school and continued working through college, etc. Those that didn't were usually highly committed to something else, like sports or dance. Of course, that was the uber-achieving 80s.

 

But, yes, we've all been slackers according to our parents' generations. Such is the way of the world, no?

[Karen in CO]

I suspect this is the result of many factors:

 

 

3) I think it is a cultural thing that, when you turn 18, you're out on your own. Whether parents are dictating that or the kids decide they need to be out, the effect is the same. Unfortunately, we are no longer in a place where newly fledged teen-adults can support themselves.

 

 

The young man that is currently inhabiting my couch at night has a job - he just got promoted to cashier at the grocery store. He makes $8, but he only works 15-20 hours a week because that is as many hours as they will give him because if he works more, he qualifies for benefits.

 

A girl that stayed with us a week or two last fall was looking for a job, but she was only 16 and had health problems. She ended up moving in with an aunt on the other side of the country and going back to school - after over a year living on the streets. She was homeless because of her relationship with her parents. She came to us by way of the emergency room in another town. My ds was terribly upset after having to rescue his friend from the ER - he didn't know what to do. The first thing I thought of was, "Ask her if she'd like to stay here for a while at least she will be safe."

 

A boy that stayed with us a couple of nights before another friend let him move in couldn't get a job because he didn't have any identification other than a school id, and his only parent refused to help him get any.

 

There have been more than that and all have a different story. I don't know how I end up with so many of these kids. I live in a nice suburban neighborhood, and these kids go to one of the best high schools in the state. You know how younger kids have sleepovers? Your kid asks if his friend can spend the night. That is how most of this starts. Then I find out that they are out of their homes.

 

I have been slowly coming to the realization that our society is failing to transition this generation into adulthood. I think many parents are like me and have an idea that kids at 18 need to be adults, but most 18 year-olds are not able to support themselves at all finacially.

 

At 18, I was at college on a scholarship and working; my sister joined the Navy; my mother was married; my father joined the Army. None of us tried to support ourselves by working part-time for minimum wage.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't have much sympathy for able-bodied couch surfers who are old enough to be living on their own. Several of these kids could pool their resources and get an inexpensive apartment, but often choose to forgo doing "hard things" to get ahead in life. Unless they can't live at home due to abuse, I wouldn't enable them by providing my home as a soft place to land. Sometimes kids use pleasant and nice behavior as a way to get others to take care of them.

If you let them stay, put very clear boundaries in place.

 

Age and maturity aren't the same thing. My hubby was a teacher at a school for year 11 and 12 students, and there was talk amongst the teachers. There seems to be a significant transitory population amongst the student body. If they can't go home, they have to go somewhere. Pooling resources isn't enough to rent a house. Dh and I had trouble getting this place, and we are a respectable young family with plenty of previous renting experience. Using pleasant and nice behaviour to get someone to look after them is not a bad thing, if they still need looking after. What else have they got to offer? It's unofficial fostering, I guess. It's hard being in that in-between place, of being a legal adult, but not having the maturity or experience to live like one. While there are some with Peter Pan syndrome, there are plenty who are doing their best and need a hand for a bit longer than their parents were willing/able to manage.

 

Rosie

[CarolfromIL]

Age and maturity aren't the same thing. My hubby was a teacher at a school for year 11 and 12 students, and there was talk amongst the teachers. There seems to be a significant transitory population amongst the student body. If they can't go home, they have to go somewhere. Pooling resources isn't enough to rent a house. Dh and I had trouble getting this place, and we are a respectable young family with plenty of previous renting experience. Using pleasant and nice behaviour to get someone to look after them is not a bad thing, if they still need looking after. What else have they got to offer? It's unofficial fostering, I guess. It's hard being in that in-between place, of being a legal adult, but not having the maturity or experience to live like one. While there are some with Peter Pan syndrome, there are plenty who are doing their best and need a hand for a bit longer than their parents were willing/able to manage.

 

Rosie

 

Every generation's parents always expresses concerns about unmotivated slacker kids-------but yet somehow these kids end up with careers, mortgages and kids of their own. And some day when they have teens they"ll talk about how all these kids today are slackers.

[Rosie_0801]

Every generation's parents always expresses concerns about unmotivated slacker kids-------but yet somehow these kids end up with careers, mortgages and kids of their own. And some day when they have teens they"ll talk about how all these kids today are slackers.

 

Been doing that since ancient Mesopotamia, I've heard.

 

:D

Rosie- sitting at the computer in an unmotivated, slack kind of way ;)

[Carrie12345]

I'm an X-er (at least my husband insists that I am) and I am completely scandalized by the idea of appearing at a job interview and telling the interviewer I am not available on Wednesday mornings because I have a yoga class and Tuesday and Thursdays I will be leaving early for my book club and happy hour with friends. :001_huh: That is, apparently, the new trend (at least before the tanking of the economy).

 

I spent my teen years in a pretty affluent area, too, and almost all of my peers had jobs in high school and continued working through college, etc. Those that didn't were usually highly committed to something else, like sports or dance. Of course, that was the uber-achieving 80s.

 

But, yes, we've all been slackers according to our parents' generations. Such is the way of the world, no?

 

You know, thinking about this, assuming scheduling "rights" almost makes sense to me.

When I was in high school, most people had jobs. They also had soccer, yearbook committee, student council, cheer, scouts, tutoring, responsibility for younger siblings, school plays and concerts, maybe the occasional detention, family vacations... Telling an employer that you couldn't work on such and such a day was normal, and employers accepted that and worked around it.

 

When I made the schedule for my store, I had to work around everyone's college classes. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have had any employees. And I guarantee that some of them were padding their schedules.

 

Maybe it IS because so many kids have been expected to participate in a large assortment of activities, and have become accustom to employers just accepting that as routine. Maybe they can't imagine that being out of the norm.

 

Another point in favor of SWB's theories on specialization!

[chickenpatty]

My ds is home from college for a few weeks between semesters so he is hanging out with his friends. The other night he asked if one of his friends could spend the night. The boy came over with a duffel bag. I didn't think much about it because 19yo boys are weird; however, when they were getting ready to go out the next morning, he pulled out a dry pair of shoes since his shoes had gotten wet the previous night. That made me suspicious. The kid used to live about 3 blocks from us. He is working and going to college, but is apparently homeless. He just goes from friend to friend. He's waiting to get enough money and a couple of friends together to rent an apartment. I think I now know 4 or 5 of these kids between the age of 16 and 20 that have moved out of their parent's house but can't afford a place of their own. (I'd probably know more if my ds were still at home full-time) I feed them and let them shower and do laundry at my house when they come by. I guess I treat them like I would hope someone would treat my kids.

 

Does anyone else know couch-surfing homeless kids? Do you offer them your couch? These kids graduate from high school with no way to earn enough money to support themselves even working full-time. It just seems like there are more and more of them, if you look closely. I don't think they are even counted as part of the homeless population.

 

I know someone like this. He recently spent a year or so as a hobo - hopping trains all over the country. :confused: It is a tough age, especially so when they don't seem to have any direction or goals.