Spinoff of recent threads--how much do you interfere with these issues?

[snickelfritz]

If your kiddos are playing at the playground, how much do you interfere? Mine are 4 1/2 and 2 1/2 and aren't usually pushing, shoving, biting.

 

1. If your child is bossing others around to the point the other child goes to do something else. Do you gently train them or let them learn the lesson?

 

2. Saying something rude to other children. (I don't want her to play with us.)

 

3. Leaving sister out.

 

What about wearing wild clothing out? Not inappropriate...just, beautiful as a 4 year old thinks they're beautiful. "Mom, these match. The shirt has pink and purple stripes and the pants have red and black stripes. They both have stripes! And these purple shoes and red bow will look great with it!" Let it go or gently guide?

[Amy in NY]

I would intervene to train for all 3 of your scenarios.

 

As for the clothes, at those ages, I usually let that go. (Of course, I am the mom who lets her kids wear their Halloween costumes year round out in public. And my 3 year old wears his Superman pajamas as 'wake-up clothes'...frequently...) I have them change their clothes depending upon where we were going (i.e. church or a similar function) and, as they get older, I do teach them what is appropriate to wear and what isn't.

 

Amy

 

Mom to 5 dc - almost 11 yo to 10 months

[KAR120C]

1. If your child is bossing others around to the point the other child goes to do something else. Do you gently train them or let them learn the lesson?

I would correct that, and preferably before the other kid stomps off... I think it's a better lesson when they can still salvage the situation rather than when it's already a lost cause and I'm just telling them why.

 

2. Saying something rude to other children. (I don't want her to play with us.)

Same as above -- something like "You need to be more polite than that" or "If you're going to be rude then I'm going to assume you're tired and we need to leave"

 

3. Leaving sister out.

No sibs here, but in theory I would go with the "rude" answer above, but possibly also encourage the younger sib to find something else to do, if it's an ongoing issue.

 

What about wearing wild clothing out? Not inappropriate...just, beautiful as a 4 year old thinks they're beautiful. "Mom, these match. The shirt has pink and purple stripes and the pants have red and black stripes. They both have stripes! And these purple shoes and red bow will look great with it!" Let it go or gently guide?

Wild clothing doesn't bother me. That's the only age when they'll be able to get away with it. Take pictures. ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree with the other posters so I'm not going to say the same things again! The only thing new I have to add is that on the sibling issue. It depends on the group. If it is a small group that is doing something that the smaller one can do as well, the rule is that we include everyone (including the sibling). If there is a wide age range and the olders are doing something more developmentally suited for older kids (like maybe playing a board game that the younger obviously can't play) then I direct the younger one to other activities even if it means that I need to play with the younger one for awhile. Or since the original scenario was at a playground - if the older ones are playing on a piece of equipment that is not suited for the younger - I may go over and help the younger to "give them a turn" but then I would redirect the younger for awhile too. My guiding principle there is that I want the younger to feel included to a small extent (thus the "turn") but I also want the older to be able to learn and explore at a level that makes them stretch a bit too. But I'm pretty involved behind the scenes to make sure that it isn't a habit to leave the youngers out (or to be always pestering the older ones). Its a "balance" thing.

[Melora in NC]

I would interfere in all of the three situations mentioned, and, as another poster said, I would try to do it in time to possibly salvage the play time.

 

I don't worry about wild outfits, and my kids have both come up with some doozies! They are expected to wear non-ratty clothes for church, but if they (and it is really just my dd who does this) pick an unusual looking outfit, with colors or patterns that one would not normally put together, I let it go. I Do point out that the combination is "unusual," and suggest something more conventional, but if someone has put care into putting together an outfit, and is pleased with the results, I figure that counts for a lot. No one was ever hurt by mismatched patterns and colors. (At least, not that I know of!)

[asher]

I agree fully with all the other PPs :)

[j.griff]

I don't interfere with clothing choices unless the clothes they choose are too small, or way too big LOL. (My Littles raid each others closets).

I would interfere in the other situations. I don't think children "pick up" on social cues on their own, or at least not all children do. I think "training" and "guidance" from parents is very helpful in social situations. I also want to teach them so sympathize with others in such settings. I also intervene when OPK (other peoples kids) are "misbehaving". I either tell them they need to move so that everyone can use the slide, or if they are just being grouchy I will tell my kids (in a loud voice so the "grouchy" child and the "grouchy" child's parent/s can hear) that the child is being "grouchy" and that my DC should just stay away from the "grouchy" kid until they feel like playing with others.

[melissel]

ITA with all the others. The clothing choice thing has been surprisingly difficult for me to let go of, LOL! But I point out when things don't match and offer to help them find something that does. If they don't want to, I let it go.

[Lolly]

My kids are a little older now, and the problems that occur are usually of a little different nature. When they were little, I did intervene. Right then, right there. I found that the other kids took advantage of this and used it to "bully" my kids. They would get them in trouble on purpose. I didn't notice it for quite a while. It really took me a long time to figure out what was going on.

 

So, what I would recommend is intervening, but NOT in front of the other kids. Take your dc aside in a pleasant manner and let them know that their behavior is not acceptable. Do it in a way that the other people around do not know that your dc have been reprimanded. If you need to leave the group because behavior does not improve, don't make a big statement about having to go because dc can't seem to quit pushing or being mean. Just make up an excuse and go. You can let dc know once you get into your car that you left because of their behavior.

 

The clothing I would let go.

[Laura K (NC)]

The more parents who constantly try to teach their kids manners, the better the world will be.

 

I wouldn't advise a young girl about wearing anything as long as it's modest, no matter what the style or color combination. Please, please, please advise a tween/teen girl about modesty!

[WTMindy]

as training opportunities, for sure!

 

I could care less about the clothes, but it bothered dh (for some reason) if I let her go our looking like she had dressed herself.

[Guest diane55317]

 

2. Saying something rude to other children. (I don't want her to play with us.)

 

"Rude" to some extent may be in the eye of the beholder. Saying "I don't want her to play with us" may not be rude--there may be a good reason a child says something like that. If the other child is particularly disagreeable or mean, why force the association?