What Every Adoptive Parent Needs to Know

[JennC]

Healing your child's wounded heart (subtitile) This has been an incredibly helpful book to me. My son is mine from a previous relationship and adopted by dh. When a friend recommended the book to me, I said "My son is NOT adopted." She said "Yes, he is." and then she gave me the book as a gift.

It is full of wonderful information, and helpful "what you can do now to make it better for your family." I read many posts here that refer to issues this therapist writes about.

Some of the chapters topics are:

Abandonment

Attachment Disorder

Core Shame

A child's need to be perfect

Lying, stealing and disruptive behavior

Child's need for control

Seeing hurtful behavior as a cry for security

hope ,help and support for parents

 

Half of the book deals with the behavior and half with what to do about it to help your family thrive. The author is MS, LCPC and I have no idea what that stands for.

 

I am in no way benefitting from this post, but I did greatly benefit from reading the book - even though my son is "not adopted" (of course, now I know that for him, he is)

 

:grouphug: to everyone going through challenges with their children.

[MamaT]

My daughters are adopted and I have never heard of this book. Thanks for the recommendation!

[Mom2GirlsTX]

I've not heard of it either, but given that one of my kids is adopted, I will see if the library has it. Sounds like a good read!

[PollyOR]

Would it help understand an adult child? My sister's oldest is her biological son but adopted by her husband at 18 months. They've had major problems with him. He is in his late 20's, married and a father. He recently found his biological dad and has decided to "disown" his mom and dad. :sad:

[CalicoKat]

Healing your child's wounded heart (subtitile) This has been an incredibly helpful book to me. My son is mine from a previous relationship and adopted by dh. When a friend recommended the book to me, I said "My son is NOT adopted." She said "Yes, he is." and then she gave me the book as a gift.

It is full of wonderful information, and helpful "what you can do now to make it better for your family." I read many posts here that refer to issues this therapist writes about.

Some of the chapters topics are:

Abandonment

Attachment Disorder

Core Shame

A child's need to be perfect

Lying, stealing and disruptive behavior

Child's need for control

Seeing hurtful behavior as a cry for security

hope ,help and support for parents

 

Half of the book deals with the behavior and half with what to do about it to help your family thrive. The author is MS, LCPC and I have no idea what that stands for.

 

I am in no way benefitting from this post, but I did greatly benefit from reading the book - even though my son is "not adopted" (of course, now I know that for him, he is)

 

:grouphug: to everyone going through challenges with their children.

hmmmmm..... 5 adopted kiddos here. Would you care to summarize that chapter on Lying, Stealing, and Disruptive behaviours?

[Denisemomof4]

hmmmmm..... 5 adopted kiddos here. Would you care to summarize that chapter on Lying, Stealing, and Disruptive behaviours?

 

:bigear:

[OHGrandma]

A hint about browsing a book: look it up on amazon.com. If you can browse the table of contents, etc, then you can read quite a bit of a chapter. Search for the chapter title and page through the results.

This book looks like it might be useful for us as we raise our grandson.

[JennC]

Would it help understand an adult child? My sister's oldest is her biological son but adopted by her husband at 18 months. They've had major problems with him. He is in his late 20's, married and a father. He recently found his biological dad and has decided to "disown" his mom and dad. :sad:

 

The book was written in conjunction with an actual family who adopted 2 different race children - One from an orpanage and one as an infant. The narrative tells of their experiences growing up and the mother actually has a breakdown when the children are grown. The therapy in this family didn't start until then.

 

Here is a quote from the acknowledgment. It is from the parents of the children. "We are especially grateful to the forces of the universe that put Kate (author) on Cassie's (mother) path. Her patience, intelligence and insights taught us to view ourselves and those close to us in a new, empathic, and more compassionate light. We were able to reverse 30 years of dysfunction and guide our family to authentic connection.

[JennC]

Funny, that's the chapter I read first, too.:confused:

 

I believe that since I am giving credit where due >>> to Kate Cremer-Vogel, it would be ok for me to quote from the chapter. These are just cut in quote taken exactly as they are printed from throughout the chapter.

1. Due to experiencing infant trauma and chronic stress, some adopted children are at risk for developing depression.

2. A child with attachment problems will push his parents' buttons in order to feel secure by attempting to gain control, yet if he is successful, the child will actually feel less secure.

3. As a result of being abandoned by his birth mother, the adoptive child will tend to act out his anger and fears toward his adoptive mother rather than his adoptive father.

4. The adrenaline high that comes from the act of stealing can be one reason children with depression steal.

5. Children who harbor deep shame about themselves will often project their self-hatred onto their primary parent - usually their adoptive mother.

6. An insecure child will test his primary parent relentlessly in order to reassure himself that she is strong enough to handle him.

 

There are more highlights in this chapter, but I think that is enough for one post. It really is a good book

 

Then on to the chapter where I still have a bookmark "Why you child might behave well with other and not with you"

 

If you need help finding the book, the publisher is Mountain Ridge Publishing.

[lauranc]

Thanks for posting this. I needed it just at this moment!

 

..Laura

[JennC]

The book also lists at the end some q & a. One is Where can I find a qualified therapist? Here is the answer:

Referrals may be available locally blah, blah, blah or at www. danielahughes . homestead. com (this is the doctor who teaches the empathic healing taught about in the book). Ask for a therapist Dr Hughes has trained in your area. Or attach . org or attachment . org

I hope I'm not breaking rules to add these resources, but I did try to not make them a link.

[OHGrandma]

This is a delicate question, and I apologize in advance if I offend anyone; but with a group of adoptive moms here that are concerned about their child's mental well-being, this seems like the right people to ask.

I consider myself an adoptive mom because we have full custody of our grandson. His mother basically abandoned him at 19 months but pops up ocassionally. His dad, our son, has been in the military until recently and could not take care of him, so GS10 has been with us off and on from 19 months until permanently 4.5 years ago. Many of the behavior problems you've all mentioned, we've also worked, or are working, through. We know GS's mother has some mental health issues that contributed to her leaving our GS, and some younger half siblings. We know some mental health issues have a genetic component, so we won't hesitate to get medical help if needed.

Do any of you watch for signs of a biological component of behavior issues? I don't want to sound negative about it, but I'd rather be proactive rather than reactive.

[JennC]

This is a delicate question, and I apologize in advance if I offend anyone; but with a group of adoptive moms here that are concerned about their child's mental well-being, this seems like the right people to ask.

I consider myself an adoptive mom because we have full custody of our grandson. His mother basically abandoned him at 19 months but pops up ocassionally. His dad, our son, has been in the military until recently and could not take care of him, so GS10 has been with us off and on from 19 months until permanently 4.5 years ago. Many of the behavior problems you've all mentioned, we've also worked, or are working, through. We know GS's mother has some mental health issues that contributed to her leaving our GS, and some younger half siblings. We know some mental health issues have a genetic component, so we won't hesitate to get medical help if needed.

Do any of you watch for signs of a biological component of behavior issues? I don't want to sound negative about it, but I'd rather be proactive rather than reactive.

 

I am lucky in that my "adopted" son is also mine by birth, so I am pretty clear on at least half of his genetics :) I don't really know the answer to your question, but I didn't want to let it just go unanswered.

So . . I looked in the book

this doesn't really answer your question but it does give what I think is pertinent information - and good for all parents.

 

What if I cannot get any information about my adopted child's history?

(obviously does not pertain to you exactly)

The important thing is that parents understand their child's present needs, which can be determined via a thorough, professional assessment of a child's physical, emotional, cognitive and behavioral development.

 

I think the most important part of the equation to me is that we understand our child needs right now, not his history or 'what ifs'. If you can figure out the unseen and unknown, great, but no matter what, we must deal with the here and now.

I'd get the book:) and I'm not advertising, just gushing.

[OHGrandma]

Yes, that's important to meet the kid where he is.

I'll be getting that book because the major thing that concerns me is a lack of honesty in our grandson. I don't mean outright lying, though we have dealt with that some, but saying whatever will elicit a desired response. I want to hear from him what he thinks and feels, not what he thinks I want to hear.

[cin]

Another book that I've found VERY helpful is Parenting the Hurt Child. And as an answer to you, your GS could very well suffer from the Reactive Attachment Disorder, which can manifest itself in many ways, including ADHD. >sigh< ANd I actually discovered RAD because I was watching for ADHD, and thought my dd (8yrs) was actually showing signs of ADD and/or depression.

 

HTH,

[KrissiK]

As parent to 3 adopted children (we have no bio kids) I try really hard to look at where my difficult one is now. I can drive myself crazy thinking - is his behaviour because of the drugs, genetics or is it just his temperment? He's just incredibly obnoxious and high maintainance. Honestly, I think it's all three, but it does me no good to try to figure that out. I just need to try to figure him out and how I can best parent him.

[OnTheBrink]

Would this be helpful in dealing with my adult son, who was rejected by his biofather and then adopted by my ex, only to have ex really betray our family? Or am I looking for something else entirely?

[hsmom27]

There is also a site www.informedadoptions.com that has some really great information on adoption issues that may arise. Also a site on Chinese Adoption called Rumor Queen (if you google those, you should find it) has some really good book reviews about adoption issues. Both of these focus on international adoption but the info would probably be helpful in domestic adoption cases as well. HTH

 

Okay, I'm computer illiterate. I can't get the link to work but you can also google informed adoption advocates and it's easy to find.

Edited August 6, 2009 by littlewigglebutts

[emzhengjiu]

You might also join attach china yahoo group. It was started for families with children from China but has broadened to include most adoptive families. To join, at least one of your children must be experiencing problems. The ladies on the list may be able to help direct you to therapists in your area.

 

I'll be praying for you. We've experienced some "issues" as well. I don't discuss them in open forums since I've found very few people really understand the dynamics.

 

Blessings,

Judy

[Happy]

Funny, that's the chapter I read first, too.:confused:

 

I believe that since I am giving credit where due >>> to Kate Cremer-Vogel, it would be ok for me to quote from the chapter. These are just cut in quote taken exactly as they are printed from throughout the chapter.

1. Due to experiencing infant trauma and chronic stress, some adopted children are at risk for developing depression.

2. A child with attachment problems will push his parents' buttons in order to feel secure by attempting to gain control, yet if he is successful, the child will actually feel less secure.

3. As a result of being abandoned by his birth mother, the adoptive child will tend to act out his anger and fears toward his adoptive mother rather than his adoptive father.

4. The adrenaline high that comes from the act of stealing can be one reason children with depression steal.

5. Children who harbor deep shame about themselves will often project their self-hatred onto their primary parent - usually their adoptive mother.

6. An insecure child will test his primary parent relentlessly in order to reassure himself that she is strong enough to handle him.

 

There are more highlights in this chapter, but I think that is enough for one post. It really is a good book

 

Then on to the chapter where I still have a bookmark "Why you child might behave well with other and not with you"

 

If you need help finding the book, the publisher is Mountain Ridge Publishing.

 

 

Wow.

 

You've just summarized my oldest son's life and relationship to us.

 

He is 24 and has been angry about being adopted since he really came to understand it at age 4. Even though he is about to be married and become a father himself, he still is mad (at US, at life, at the whole of humankind, I think). I'm so weary of trying to have a relationship with him. And yes, we did extensive counseling in his pre-teen years, then life got better during the high school years. That's also when we started homeschooling. After he went to college he made poor decision after poor decision. naturally, now, he refuses offers of counseling. He is so very hard to love.

 

In contrast, my other adopted son is like sunshine to the other son's shadows. So I know it isn't parentings that made my boys this way, but their own genetics, brain chemistry, and choices and their reaction to being adopted.

 

1st son was mad at his birthmom.

2nd son felt lucky that since one mom couldn't raise him, she found him another mom.

 

I'm ordering this book right now.

Edited August 6, 2009 by Happy
Left out some thoughts