What to bring to home of young family who just lost their husband and father.

[Jeanne in MN]

A young family in our hs group just lost their husband and dad to cancer tonight. They have been really struggling financially for a long time and people have been helping out with meals, cleaning and child care.

 

What can I bring to help them through this time? I was thinking paper products since all relatives are from long distances. Would food be better or what would be most helpful?

 

How do we help the mom and kids in the coming weeks? There is a 13 yo, 11 yo, 8 yo, 6 yo and 9 mo. old. What can we bring, do, say, not say?? We took the kids swimming today-will future diversions/kid activities help?

 

would love advice!

[sdWTMer]

I would just offer to keep the kiddos at times so that Mom will be kid free to do all the stuff that she will need to do. Yikes. I just can't even imagine, nor do I want to. Scary. That poor Mom & family! How sad.

[Amy in Orlando]

Paper products (including feminine products and diapers) would most definitely be welcome. Food gets a little tricky if you don't know their storage capabilities. A gift card to a gas station or local grocery store would also be great. The older children are probably anxious and antsy. What about a movie gift certificate or passes to a skating rink, rock climbing gym, something like that? Another tack to take is to give the mom a gift certificate for a local salon - I'm sure she's not been focused on herself for a long time and a little makeover can go a long way boosting someone's spirits. Another idea is a certificate to a local lawn service to come and take care of their yard one or two times.

 

My dh was very, very sick and in ICU for many weeks. The above are things we would have appreciated. If you want to help but don't have cash, there are other things you can do. Take the kids for a 1/2 day. Make the family's yard your family project for a while. If you or dh are particularly gifted with numbers/financial knowledge, offer to sit down with your friend when she is ready and help her work out a long term plan.

 

Whatever you do, keep in touch with the family. Let them know they're not forgotten and that you're ok with them being sad or angry or whatever. Just keep in touch.

[Lorna in the boonies]

 

How do we help the mom and kids in the coming weeks? There is a 13 yo, 11 yo, 8 yo, 6 yo and 9 mo. old. What can we bring, do, say, not say?? We took the kids swimming today-will future diversions/kid activities help?

 

would love advice!

 

I don't know what it's like to lose a husband/father, but I have lost a child -- I'm going to assume that the grief process is a similar one.

 

Swimming was an excellent idea. The people who reached out to my surviving children in that manner have my eternal gratitude. So many people focused on my loss and my husband's loss, but my kids were hurting, as well.

 

My recommendation would be to make an attempt to reach out to them similarly on special days -- which, in the beginning, will be as often every Thursday (if I remember correctly and today is in fact the day he died). The 6th of each month is going to be very difficult for a very long time -- I would try to at least call them or send a card or involve the kids in some activities on those days. For the first couple of weeks, everyone will be thinking of them and will be reaching out to them -- but it is perfectly normal for life to move on for everyone else, and that involvement from other people will wane (which is a good and necessary thing, to some extent). It's always nice when people remember.

 

I'd give the kids lots of opportunities to talk about their dad, *if* that's what they want to do. Don't be afraid to shy away from mentioning him -- believe me, they are already thinking about him, and you mentioning him isn't going to make them sad by reminding them of what they lost. It's going to make them happy that someone else remembers him, and that people outside their four walls know and care that he did exist. Be sure to mention things that you remember about him, both to his wife and to his kids. As time goes on, they will begin to feel that everyone else has forgotten -- it's good to know that not everyone has.

 

As long as you don't say something stupid like, "Oh, I know how you feel. My heart was broken when my poodle died last year", you can't say anything wrong. Don't be afraid to offer condolences. The important thing is that, in your attempt to express compassion and sympathy, you don't trivialize their loss (such as comparing their father to a dog -- not that you would do that, but I *did* have people do it to me when my daughter died, and it's not the same at all).

 

Ugh. It's late and I am rambling -- I hope this makes some sense!

 

They don't know to thank you for asking how to handle it -- so I will thank you for them. So many people are afraid to make a mistake that they don't say *anything* or do *anything* -- but anything is better than the death of a family member appearing to be ignored because someone doesn't know what to say or do, so they choose to say and do nothing (and that is my run-on sentence for the day).

[Doran]

Amy's list is right on (she obviously speaks from experience). You could also offer to invite them all over for pizza or Chinese one night down the road, if you can swing the cost. Or, perhaps you could offer to take the Mom to lunch all by yourselves one day -- you know, just to give her a break from everything and some company. It might be wonderful to help coordinate some sort of "schedule" for meals or outings with the others in the homeschool group, so that the family will know they can count on support every Friday for two months, or every first Wednesday for six months, or whatever. Something to look forward to, kwim? The kids in the group could make cards to send every week for a loooong time, just so the family knows they are still in your hearts.

 

The one thing I can suggest for emotional support is to not be afraid to just BE with them, and to talk about the dad. Give them space to share about him. Although painful, it is not wrong or heartless to bring him up. They'll let you know if they don't want to talk about him -- but mostly I feel like people who've experienced death are so relieved to not have to hide behind a false "everything's okay" facade.

 

I'm sorry. It must be very hard and you are right to lend support.

 

Doran

[Tara]

You have received some very thoughtful and useful advice here. I think practical helps are crucial, like the ones Amy mentioned, and just making the effort to "remember" like someone else mentioned. The biggest "advice" that I give to people interacting with those who have suffered a loss is to avoid platitudes at all costs. Shy away from cliche's about death..."he's in a better place," etc. People mean well when they say things like this, but those comments really aren't useful or helpful. Just your presence and offerings of practical helps, and willingness to listen will be such a blessing. Let those kids know it's okay to feel whatever they're feeling. There's no statute of limitations on grief.

 

You're a good friend, and I think you're gonna do a fine job.

 

Blessings on you all.

[Carol in Cal.]

Along with the Starbucks style indulgences, I'll bet she would like a grocery card and cards to your local bookstore, homeschool supply store, or craft store (those craft stores have great supplies for homeschool projects.)

 

I'll bet that she would like to be kept in mind for homeschooling materials that would be passed on to her for her children as well.

 

Also, don't underestimate the value of pampering each child individually in some way. When I was in my 30s and joined a new church, I met a woman who was a little younger than my mom, who told me the most amazing story. She had grown up in my family's old church. She said that her father had died, and that shortly after that, my grandfather took her downtown with him and bought her a new coat. It was very heartwarming to see how fondly she told this story, 30 years later or more. My GF was a very quiet and humble man, and probably never told anyone that he did this. It was not a family story, and my mom was surprised to hear it from me all those years after it happened. Those quiet kindnesses can make a big impression.

[WTMCassandra]

I recommend that you show up, look for needs, and simply meet them with little or no discussion.

 

I have been close to two or three friends who went through horrific tragedies, and they said that they could never think of what they needed. If the person said, "Call me if you need anything," they didn't have the initiative to follow up. Each family said that the people who were the most help were the ones who were close enough to know what was needed and simply just stepped in and did it.

 

For one family, I became the official tissue person. I bought boxes and boxes, brought them to the house, gave them out at the various funeral events, etc. If I saw anyone crying, I brought them a box. For days. It was an honor and a blessing to be the tissue woman. The older daughter was sad that their flowerbeds were not in good shape for people coming to visit: Some people brought mulch and flowers and fixed them, and the daughter was so grateful.

 

Just go and be there for them and do what comes to mind or to hand. What to say and do will take care of itself. The Bible says mourn with those who mourn, and I have found that to be the wisest course of action.

 

Blessings to you as you minister to this family.

[Lorna in the boonies]

 

I have been close to two or three friends who went through horrific tragedies, and they said that they could never think of what they needed. If the person said, "Call me if you need anything," they didn't have the initiative to follow up.

 

There is so much truth in this statement that it isn't even funny. "Call me if you need anything" is so vague that it's overwhelming. I didn't take anyone up on that offer -- but the people who said, "Next Tuesday I'd like to take the kids out for ice cream so you can (take a nap, be alone for a while, whatever). Would 1:00 be a good time for you?" -- *those* people, I took up on their offers. (Very gratefully, I might add.)

[TCoppock]

I don't know how well you know this family but when DH was hospitalized a few years ago the biggest help I recieved was someone doing my laundry. I also think bringing paper goods is excellent so the family doesn't have to deal with dishes. Anything that will make everyday life easier will be appreciated.

[Friederike in Persia]

but if your dh is fully on board, I think he could be a big blessing as well.

Some time back my dh was a long way away for an extended time period and our girls just so missed a man in their lives. They were little, so they were looking for piggy-bags and and being "thrown around" and stuff like that, but I would assume that the need for having a man around stays in children, no matter how old they are.

 

Friederike

[momofkhm]

She adored the meals brought by her church, the child care, the lawn care, etc. Everything mentioned by other posters. But the kids really liked it when someone did not bring a homemade meal. When someone went to the trouble of getting them a pizza (from Pizza Hut, Dominos, etc). Or when someone brought over a gift card to fast food, kid friendly places.

[Soph the vet]

One more practical help at this time of year. See if someone is helping her get the taxes done. My dh does all this (yes, I know I could do it if push came to shove) but if I was a grieving widow I might forget about the taxes completely!

[Danestress]

When my husband lost his first wife, he said the hardest thing was just not having an adult to talk to in the evenings - no one to share his day with (his child was young). So he really appreciated the friends who wanted to have dinner with him - one couple brought pizza by on Friday nights and they would drink a beer and share the pizza and it just got DH through the first night of the weekend, which always seemed hard to him.

 

I have to say, though, that everyone is different. I had a friend who lost her husband and found it quite hard that everyone wanted to give her "company." She really wanted to be alone. She didn't want people in her house all the time and she didn't want to go out. She wanted to just be with her children and be left alone - especially in the beginning. And she resented the people who thought they were doing her a favor by just dropping in or insisting on taking her children places. I think for her, grief was intense and especially in the really early, raw stages, she wanted to do it alone.

 

So I guess I would ask her what she needs and wants. And if she is strugging financially, I might just send her anonymous gifts of money or leave groceries, rather than taking the kids to movies or giving her expensive "indulgence" gifts like a day at the spa. Or call and pay her electric bill or phone bill - something like that.

[Mrs. Readsalot]

This way whe can get what she needs when she needs it.

[TwinMominTX]

and my dh has been sick off and on since we've been married and required various surgeries and extended hospital stays. (My sick dh in no way compares to losing a husband, but wanted to mention it as people were very kind and reached out to me personally during those times so I have a little frame of reference).

 

First, your friend is likely to be exhausted - physically and emotionally. Even picking up the telephone to call someone is an effort. Like someone suggested - quitely seeing a need and taking care of it is the best way to help. Being proactive - like "I would like to come by and pick up your kids on my way to the library. Would 3pm work for you guys?"

 

For my friend (and for me when my husband was sick) many household chores traditionally the "man's responsibility" were overwhelming to contemplate. It was just a stark reminder that the man of the house wasn't there any longer. My friend is capable and I know that if she put her mind to it, she could likely do many of the tasks that needed to be done, but it was just such a stark reminder that her dh was no longer there that it was really hard to find the energy to do these types of tasks. I remember someone coming into my home and without asking replacing the zillion or so burnt out light bulbs that for me would have required a ladder. It was a huge load off me (even something that small). Organizing a group of homeschool dads to come by at sometime in the future to help out with upkeep and maintenance issues would probably be helpful.

 

Don't be offended if your friend doesn't return your calls. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep calling. Sometimes it is so emotionally hard to keep in contact with people, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't continue to make the effort. I try to send periodic emails and whenever I call I make sure to tell my friend that there is no need to call back. She told me once she appreciates it as it takes a huge load off of her not to feel obligated. Try to be a low maintenance friend to her.

 

In the next few days if you want to take food for them, I suggest taking finger foods - cheese and crackers, cut up fruit, etc. This gives her something to serve to friends and/or family that might be around and allows her to eat a bit here and there when hungry.

 

Finally, don't be afraid to talk about her dh. With my friend it felt like the big huge white elephant in the room that no one wanted to mention. I finally told her that it was very awkward not to talk about her husband, but I felt worried about making her sad. She actually laughed and said "I can't get any sadder and I like to talk about him." I let her take the lead in talking about him, but also stressed to her that if I ever said or did anythng thoughtless that she should tell me. This allowed us to interact without me being crippled by the fear saying or doing the wrong thing.

 

Thank you for being such a good friend.

 

TK

[Mama Bear]

There is so much truth in this statement that it isn't even funny. "Call me if you need anything" is so vague that it's overwhelming. I didn't take anyone up on that offer -- but the people who said, "Next Tuesday I'd like to take the kids out for ice cream so you can (take a nap, be alone for a while, whatever). Would 1:00 be a good time for you?" -- *those* people, I took up on their offers. (Very gratefully, I might add.)

 

The losses I've lived have been varied, but never, IME, are folks prepared to know what they'll need.

 

Also, it really is odd the things people say in times of stress. My mom got a lot of wierd nonsense when my little brother died, my dad less so because he was just less available at that point. (That sounds strange, but it's really more a guy thing.) The organist at the funeral complained that they didn't have a check ready for her at the service and didn't properly thank her. Someone whose child had had a similar illness but survived and was placed in a care facility told my parents they were lucky that my brother had died so they wouldn't have to live it every day. (Interestingly, my youngest now requires approximately the same level of care that her child did and I can't imagine letting him be placed in some facility.)

 

Kudos to you, OP for being a good friend. Your help, whatever it is will be special and well-recieved.

[Mama Bear]

.....many household chores traditionally the "man's responsibility" were overwhelming to contemplate. It was just a stark reminder that the man of the house wasn't there any longer.

 

 

Yup. I've learned to do stuff I didn't have to think about before. Today that list will include changing wiper blades.

 

The kids dad traveled and had call nights and long hours, but nothing compares to not having that primary relationship to fall back on -- the one that made the punkins, provided tender care, adult interaction, emotional support, humor and more.

[sdWTMer]

I agree with this. Taxes, are tough. Maybe you could get some money donated to send her stuff to a CPA or HR Block or something. At least she won't have to deal with estate taxes this year. Ugh!

[LizzyBee]

When my father died and people came from out of town, the food that the neighbors brought was fabulous. It was so nice to be able to gather at my mom's house with all the relatives and just heat up some homecooked food to eat. People brought everything from lasagna and meatballs with rice to cakes and pies.

[*LC]

My husband died last year after having a BT for years. We have five children. They ranged from 3 to 12.

 

You have received a lot of good advice... even the conflicting advice, because everyone is different.

 

Paper goods are needed, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to use all the paper plates we were brought. I guess great minds think alike. So, the more uncommon ones might be better.

 

In terms of storage for food, do they have a stand-alone freezer? Do you know someone that could let them borrow one? That way your hs group could provide frozen meals, because they will need meals for a long time. My kids loved the pizza and fast food that some people brought or gave w/gift cards.

 

If you give a movie gift certificate or passes to a skating rink, rock climbing gym, something like that, please bring the kids there like you did with swimming. Otherwise it is just something else that mom has to add to her plate or something else she just won't get to. When a spouse dies, there is a lot of stuff that has to be attended to outside of the house, please give the mom a list of people she can call to come watch kids when she goes to meet with an attorney, the court, etc.

 

In terms of lawncare, could you organize dads or older teens from your group to rotate taking care of these things for the next year. I'm guessing you have snow where you live, so I'm sure help would be appreicated with those duties as well as the lawn in those seasons. My neighbor calls from time to time to see if it is a good time to come over and work on the lawn. When we were out of town at the end of summer, friends came over and did some yardwork.

 

If you could coordinate childcare, lunch with mom would be great. In terms of inviting them over for dinner, it might be a personal thing, but I liked when people brought pizza here, because otherwise I had to drive everyone home and then do the whole bedtime thing with them wound up. For some reason, being at our house doesn't wind them up as much.

 

Yes, please let her know you are there for her no matter what. A good friend put it this way, "I am so sorry. I have never been where you are, and I don't know what you are feeling. I want you to know I am here for you no matter what; I will hear whatever you want to say; I will do whatever you need me to do." It never is painful for me to talk about my husband. Sometimes I wonder if it bothers others, but if it does that's tough. He was part of my life for half of my life if I don't talk about him, what do I talk about?

 

I agree action is more helpful than words unless they want to talk then just talk to them as a friend. (You won't say the stupid things that Lorna warned against.) You don't need to have answers; you don't have answers... no one does. Hugs are great. I wasn't a hugger before, but that physical touch means a lot to me now. Hugs say what words can't.

 

I totally agree with Lorna "anything is better than the death of a family member appearing to be ignored because someone doesn't know what to say or do, so they choose to say and do nothing." If you don't say anything, the other person is left wondering if you know.

 

"Also, don't underestimate the value of pampering each child individually in some way." One of our ministers has made a point of taking my oldest out for pampering a few times, and she loves it. Excpet of the three-year-old, she probably has had the "easiest" time adjusting. I wonder if this little extra attention helped.

 

"If the person said, "Call me if you need anything," they didn't have the initiative to follow up. Each family said that the people who were the most help were the ones who were close enough to know what was needed and simply just stepped in and did it." Exactly. Or called to say, "I'm doing so and so today, can I bring your kids or can I get you anything while I am there."

 

I agree with the laundry as I look behind me at the undone laundry. Housecleaning would also be helpful. When my husband was in the hospital, a number of good friends came over and completely cleaned the house. Since my husband never really came home, his stuff remains where they put it till this day.

 

Yes, a man to do the fun man stuff is great. There are a couple of men at church that tickle and tease my youngest DD. They also "rough house" -- as much as you can -- with my sons. I didn't realize how much my sons missed that until we were at a party, and they had such a good time wrestling with the dads in the "bouncy house."

 

Two good friends and their families came for dinner once a week for the first month. It allowed us to use up the food in the fridge. Plus, my friends would clean out and organize the fridge, which was beyond me at the point. "Basically our pastor got up and said that as a church we are commanded to provide for the orphans and widows, and we would. Please just remember a year from no she will still need help getting kids to activities, she will still need someone to cry with and between now and then she needs good financial counsel. (a professional in our church gifted his services to my friend and helped her get everything figured out.)" There is no way that anyone can do it all for a family with five kids. I've tried.

 

Even if we never went anywhere or did anything, there is always stuff that happens she will need or want help with. My DH was super handy, so I never learned any home maintenance. I really appreciate some friends that come over and take care of some home repairs. We also have had plumbing and sewage problems that I was clueless on what to do after I turned off the water to the house. Could you put together a list of dads that would be willing to help out with repairs or knowledge and what their "expertise" was. As I sit in a house with 1/2 the light bulbs, I totally agree with TK about even the simpliest repairs being too much to think about sometimes.

 

Even if your friend doesn't return a phone call, just hearing a friendly voice on the answering machine saying I'm thinking about you does raise your spirits. If you could orchestrate this with your group, so she gets a call every few weeks for the next year (or more) it would mean a lot. I promise.

 

Thanks for wanting to be a friend. Please don't think I mean for you to do all of this, it would be a great group project.

 

*LC

 

P.S. I know I typed this somewhere, but now I can't find it. When a spouse dies, there is a lot of "stuff" that has to be done such as going to court, etc, so you could put togehter a list of moms that would be willing to come over to be with her kids. Speaking of legal stuff, if there is an attorney that would be willing to donate his/her time that would be great since money is an issue. She might be able to do the stuff on her own depending on complicated the estate is, such as did he have a will.

[Mama Bear]

"There is no way that anyone can do it all for a family with five kids. I've tried."

 

Amen.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post is great and I'll be filing it away -- thank you for sharing your painfully gained wisdom.

 

Virtual hugs to you.

[*LC]

Jeanne,

 

I already wrote a book, but it dawned on me last night that we didn't address something from your post. You mentioned the family had been struggling financially. One thing she should do right away is to call social security for benefits for the kids. She won't need any documents when she makes that call; it is simply for setting up an appointment. The appointment can be over the phone or at the office. They will tell her or send her a letter about what documents she needs for the appointment. Our appointment was about a month after I made the call. It was over the phone. If she has been home with the kids, she should qualify for benefits also.

 

Also, once she knows how much money they will be getting each month, she may need help seeing if they can pay all their montly bills on this. If not, then she may need help finding a job. With such a young child, she will need to see if they money she would make would cover the daycare costs. She may want to look into providing in-home childcare or some kind of work at home. Working through all these options may be something she needs help with. I know my thought processing still isn't right; plus talking through things seems to make them clearer. I really miss having my husband to talk to about decisions even though I always made most of the decisions. Crazy right.

 

If she is online, there is a single parent homeschooling forum with a number of widows at homeschoolchristian.com

 

LC

[*LC]

Mama Bear

 

Thanks for the hug. We have had a rough few weeks, so it felt good.

 

I didn't mean to sound so dramatic, and I do hope to be able to handle it all in another year or so. Right now, though it just isn't possible.

 

You wrote "nothing compares to not having that primary relationship to fall back on -- the one that made the punkins, provided tender care, adult interaction, emotional support, humor and more." That is so true. My husband travelled fulltime for 10 years, so I was use to being alone with the kids and handling the homefront. I do think that has helped us adjust, but it is still hard. From your comments, I guess you are going through something similar. Here is a hug for you. I hope the windshield wipers work.