When "the gift" was not protected

[Jean in Newcastle]

what do you do? What do you do if 20 years later you still have flashbacks and nightmares and even reading a good book like "Protecting the Gift" can trigger immense sadness? Are there books that help? Does talking to someone actually help? (Although there has been talk with doctors, and some wise people in the past it's never been a therapist trained in talking about such). And if you do go to a therapist - how do you know you'll find one who has any more insight or wisdom that the doctors and wise friends you've already talked to? And how can you justify using money that is badly needed for necessities for something that is no longer an "emergency"? On the surface things are fine. I'm functional, happy and even help others. So is that good enough if there is still this hidden part that is damaged? Or is that as good as it gets?

[Vida Winter]

Jean,

 

I don't know what to tell you but :grouphug:. I hope you find some answers.

 

Dana

[Karen sn]

And how can you justify using money that is badly needed for necessities for something that is no longer an "emergency"?

 

Make complete healing of your emotional and mental health a priority.

Find a real good therapist - the right one make all the difference.

In doing so, you *are* paying for a necessity.

 

It heals your soul.

 

I believe that our souls lives longer than this short time here on earth right now.

You take it with you when you go.

Your soul........

[Doran]

what do you do? What do you do if 20 years later you still have flashbacks and nightmares and even reading a good book like "Protecting the Gift" can trigger immense sadness? Are there books that help? Does talking to someone actually help? (Although there has been talk with doctors, and some wise people in the past it's never been a therapist trained in talking about such). And if you do go to a therapist - how do you know you'll find one who has any more insight or wisdom that the doctors and wise friends you've already talked to? And how can you justify using money that is badly needed for necessities for something that is no longer an "emergency"? On the surface things are fine. I'm functional, happy and even help others. So is that good enough if there is still this hidden part that is damaged? Or is that as good as it gets?

 

 

 

I'm so sorry for your sadness. Not knowing much about the circumstances, I would still feel comfortable saying that you deserve the "self indulgence" required to get at this nugget of pain that dwells within you. I imagine, with some carefully phrased questions, you can source out a therapist who might be of help to you. Complete healing and self acceptance is not frivolous. The legacy of this sadness within you may be influencing your daughters, or more specifically, your behavior towards them, in ways you can't even name. Letting go of something rooted so deeply inside you will take work - hard work - but there is no doubt in my mind that the promise of freedom from it would be worth the effort and expense.

 

Peace,

[joannqn]

The three professional therapists haven't helped me much but cost a lot of money. It is because of that that I don't spend the time and money to go back to a professional. However, one of them did give me a hotline number that ultimately led to something that has helped.

 

I don't know if you are interested, if it fits, or if it is too far, but I attend (and have been attending for 6 1/2 years) a 12 step group called Adult Children Anonymous (ACA). It's a group for adult children of dysfunctional homes. While it started out as adult children of alcoholics, it is open to anyone that grew up in a dysfunctional home or identifies with "the problem" or "the laundry list" or "characteristics of adult children". It is this group that has helped me go from being completely nonfunctional (seriously suicidal) to functional and able to cope with the difficulties in my current life. There are very few groups but I know there is one in North Seattle and another in Puyallup. I can vouch for the Puyallup Group, which meets Monday evenings. We also have retreats twice a year, that are a lot of fun, in Port Orchard.

 

The group, in my experience, is friendly, open, supportive, helpful, etc. Part of why it helps, is that you can talk without anyone interrupting or giving advice. Advice can be asked for after the meeting. You can also specifically ask that no "crosstalk" (advise, comments, etc) be given after and you're request will be honored. These people have become my "family" and my best friends.

 

If you want more info, feel free to DM me.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I sooo empathize with you and was just talking a friend/co-worker about this very thing last night. We know someone who is about to get married and is all excited about this new part of her life...... I am happy for that friend, but, at the same time, so jealous, that she gets to have something....by choice and as an adult, that I never got to experience. It completely alters the course of your life and that is really hard to handle.

 

Even with therapy, but therapy does help. I consider it a priority. If you want to talk more via PM.....I'm here.

[Heather in Neverland]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

A combination of Paxil and denial is the only thing that helps me. :glare: Praying for you....

[Sharon H in IL]

I'm so sorry, Jean. You are so helpful to people here, that it is sad to think of you suffering so much.

 

Not telling you how to proceed, but emotional healing is a very good thing, and worth whatever can be spared. Some resources offer a sliding fee scale.

[Scuff]

The book "The Wounded Heart" by Dan Allender helped me a lot. A LOT. And through that God started and brought healing. It is CC, I think. It's been awhile. So if you're not, I don't know. But with God healing is possible. *hugs*

[Maria/ME]

You've rec'd a lot of wise words here. I only have an opinion based on my own experience and feelings.

 

Therapy is not self indulgent. It can work. Dysfunction and abuse we will always carry with us, but having someone professional and removed from you personally is HUGE. Good friends/family can commiserate but there is an emotional attachment. Objective therapy is very different. And sure, you are doing okay. But I personally believe it can get better. But it will take emotional work. If you are ready for that work, go for it! Again, it's not an indulgence but a necessity. Believe that. Believe that feeling better is your right. And that you can. But again, be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better.

 

I'm very sorry for whatever has been dredged up. That must be so painful. At the same time...perhaps it's a good thing? You know? Wouldn't it be nice to read a book like that and know what to do with the pain? Know it's place and it's outcome? I think therapy can help that.

 

My two cents,

 

((((((((Jean)))))))))

[Dobela]

I have found therapy to be very helpful at different points in my life. Sometimes the therapist just helps me move thru the emotions, other times they have given me a different perspective. Depending on what type of trama it was, you may call and ask for support groups that deal with that type of trauma. Many groups meet for free or can lead you to places that provide experienced help and therapy at a minimum. I was in a support group for a time in a different town and just going there made me feel not so alone which made the ordeal easier to manage memory wise.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The book "The Wounded Heart" by Dan Allender helped me a lot. A LOT. And through that God started and brought healing. It is CC, I think. It's been awhile. So if you're not, I don't know. But with God healing is possible. *hugs*

 

I've put a hold on this book at my library.

 

I know that healing is possible through God. And I know that ultimately healing has to come from deep within as I learn to think about the heartaches in life the way that God thinks of them. I also know that usually that kind of growth in someone's soul is a gradual process that takes a long time. The reason I am as happy and functional as I am in life is due to that process in my life up until now.

 

I'm not sure yet how I think about therapy. I guess I don't know if even a wise person who comes at this with a Christian viewpoint (which is what I personally would want) could help what is ultimately a Divine healing process. But yet, perhaps God can use a wise person to help the process, too. Thank you for the hugs and kind words. I'm not writing off therapy - just thinking more about it. And perhaps putting some feelers out to see what is available.

[Cathy in IL]

The Wounded Heart is a very helpful book, but it is also hard work. I was blessed to have a friend work through the book with me. We worked slowly because it can be a very emotional time. Years later God healed more pieces through the help of a therapist. I don't know that He is done yet. I do know I feel a lot more content and peaceful. :grouphug: to you.

[KJB]

IMO, you never really heal from an experience like this. There is a lot of lip service given to "healing" but I just don't think it's the same as scabbing over and then regenerating new skin over a physical wound.

 

I think it's good to try to feel your power that was created the from the day you were violated instead of feeling like a victim in need of repair. I feel the negative things that happened to me as a child have made me a stronger, wiser, more aware adult. I don't need to be healed but instead I am stronger. My past has made me powerful.

 

Feel your power.

 

((Jean))

[Jean in Newcastle]

IMO, you never really heal from an experience like this.

 

I feel the negative things that happened to me as a child have made me a stronger, wiser, more aware adult. I don't need to be healed but instead I am stronger. My past has made me powerful.

 

Feel your power.

 

((Jean))

 

KJB - Yes, I have seen how it has changed me in some positive ways also - not the "experiences" themselves but perhaps my response to them over the years. And indeed, sometimes I do 'feel my power'! But as a Christian, I think there might be something there too to feeling my vulnerability and learning to trust God totally for that. I can't really tell you objectively how that might work (it's more of a gut feeling kind of thing right now for me) but that is part of what is floating around in my head.

[Joanne]

what do you do? What do you do if 20 years later you still have flashbacks and nightmares and even reading a good book like "Protecting the Gift" can trigger immense sadness? Are there books that help? Does talking to someone actually help? (Although there has been talk with doctors, and some wise people in the past it's never been a therapist trained in talking about such). And if you do go to a therapist - how do you know you'll find one who has any more insight or wisdom that the doctors and wise friends you've already talked to? And how can you justify using money that is badly needed for necessities for something that is no longer an "emergency"? On the surface things are fine. I'm functional, happy and even help others. So is that good enough if there is still this hidden part that is damaged? Or is that as good as it gets?

 

{{{many, many hugs}}}

 

Jean, I am a victim of childhood sexual molestation (repeated violations by 2 different offenders). I do believe that specific professional support can be healing - even if your current life is functional, productive and good! The two can co-exist: a good, healthy life today AND the need for healing.

 

I also wanted to offer that there are some books on verbal abuse, emotional abuse and dealing with narcistists that I can't read for lengths of time because of the feelings they trigger. Even a scene from the movie Fireproof had me "off" for a long time. My contact with the individual triggering this is more recent than "childhood" but I *get* the feelings you posted about when you read books like Protecting The Gift.

 

{{{more tender hugs}}}