Crisis cleaning: I SHOULD be in crisis cleaning mode. I've been training the kids on some new chores and bless them they are excited and trying hard, but just don't meet my standard, lol. So while they are gone I should be getting stuff all done so when they "help" it will be easier. But instead, here I am, lol. I did recently start the sidetracked home exec system, and it's been helpful, but I'm not yet consistent enough to say I'm doing that system, and my house is still a crisis to me. Birthdays: summer is my time off. The next birthday is in September, then we have a birthday every month through March. Lake or mountains: no lake here, but only a 20 minute drive to a nice mountain range. We picnic up there in the summer a few times to escape the heat. There are creeks and some "real" vegetation and it's a nice change of scenery, just a few minutes away.

Well, I showed I was lurking, so I might as well answer the questions, too. :) Who (else) has a crazy, busy week this week? Not really (unless I try to fit in the convention). Plans for the 4th? My parents "stole" my older kids for the 4th. At first I thought we were ALL invited to this party thing when I agreed, but it turns out it was just the kids, and then it was too late to cancel the reservations, so they are gone for 2 nights. So DH and I are home with the baby. I guess we can enjoy the quiet, because fireworks are relatively quiet compared to kids, right? What's for breakfast today? It was cereal. Yawn.

Yup. Southern part, about half hour from the line. Trying to see if other things can be moved so we will be able to make the convention. Not looking promising tho. :\

Oh no, convention week! I had it wrong on the calendar. So glad I stopped in here to lurk a bit. Hmm, now need to see if I can swing it or not.

Sign me up then :) I actually enjoy web design and typography so it will be a fun distraction to set up. And I have a few blog names already floating around. And you're right, if it's just for me, no big deal if I miss a post one week. Or year, lol. Kind of like my twitter...

It sounds interesting to me. I've wanted to start a blog for a while about different aspects of what's going on around here. Mostly for my own sake, I'm not expecting uber readers and advertising ka-ching. There are so many projects that I have put together but have lost or I've forgotten parts of because I wasn't documenting it. My journals are mostly for business notes and motivations, I haven't successfully translated their use to personal or homeschool use. So, I'm interested, my main concern is I'd flame out after a couple weeks. But I'm game if you'd still have me with that knowledge. :)

So, a peetering out update, for those of you who have reached out, thank you, and those who have been following and supporting, thank you. I have been talking to IRL people but I've found the support here in some ways more helpful. Wedding ring reappeared a couple days before Father's Day. He has been pretty upbeat about everything, affectionate, nice, etc, for about 95% of the time. But, still hyper-effected by negative anything. We had a brief discussion where he did apologize "for everything" and said he wished he had never done any of it. Seems to have a memory of what happened generally but none of the emotional memories. You know that book you were required to read in high school but kind of rushed and didn't particularly like? That's his level of memory and emotional involvement. He says he hasn't had any inclination to act out except for after one conversation where I started to describe - very generally, no detail or belaboring - why I wasn't exactly happy with him going to the class where he sees the other person. He was surprised, shocked, "how would that be an issue?" Then kind of got upset and said he didn't want to think about it or talk about it anymore, he didn't want those thoughts entering his brain again. After that he's been a bit more sedate, and I hope it didn't do too much damage to his stability. So, I'm not going to push anything and just enjoy this level of recovery/normalcy until he is on medication and more removed from volatility. I don't think his caseworker has returned his calls yet re: psychiatrist, though, and so I have been pushing a bit on this. I also called the caseworker, but idk if he did get back to DH and I just don't know about it. For myself, my appt for a caseworker is early (edit) July, then they will set me up with a counselor :\ So a while to go still for that. Continuing to see priest and Stephen Minister. It's been good, though, I have been able to start to rebalance every day life. A lot of stuff has piled up these past few months that I now have to deal with. But one thing at a time, it's actually a relief to have "run of the mill" problems. Who'd've thought I'd be happy to need to deal with mice in the attic, lol.

Hmm. I'm Catholic, never heard of VBS until maybe a couple of years ago. I have seen signs in front of a few churches up in the city for "summer day camps", and have heard of people going to "bible school" but the idea of a vacation bible school as a activity for kids is relatively new to me. Thinking of a few of my coworkers, I know they mentioned summer activities their kids went to at their church, so it must be around here and I'm just not plugged into it. No parish I've been a part of (4 or 5) has done this, though. Just adding because I saw another person(s?) who hadn't heard of it until they were older, either, and wanted to second that perspective. Maybe it is regional?

Everyone is better. DH took one more bad turn since my last post, but the third round of antibiotics seems to have done the trick. Kids are all recovered and back to normal. DH has continued to stabilize to more normal. More “present†when he’s here. He’s said he misses the kids and feels like he never sees them — finally noticed the separation I was doing for 2 months — and so I’ve been reintegrating family time, etc. It’s been going well. He even asked me what he could do to help one evening that I was pulled in too many directions, and then helped happily. That wouldn’t have happened a few weeks ago, he simply would have left the house saying its too chaotic and he’s not meant to be a dad. No compulsion for suicide or self harm for 2 weeks, and he is fully on board with the idea of medication to try and help his depressed feelings, not a begrudging or you-are-forcing-me attitude. He may think he’s just depressed, though, and sees no other signs of mental instability. No texting or talking about wanting new relationships for about 3 weeks now. He hasn’t mentioned his anti-marriage stance or thoughts recently, idk if he views this as still “the truthâ€, if he is back to pro-marriage, or if he’s just forgotten it altogether. Frankly I’m afraid to ask because I don’t want to reopen the can of worms right now, I’m not sure I can handle a negative response yet, or what my own response would be. All I know is he’s being affectionate, says the L word, and is back to future planning that includes me and kids and our long term goals. No wedding ring, though, and no apology or bringing up anything that touches on this part of the past 3 months. Despite the good news, there are still areas of concern. He says he feels depressed even when he can see everything is how he wants it. He doesn’t have full control over emotional outbursts and gets worked up quickly (again no physical violence, just 0 to 60 for irritation in 3 seconds flat). He doesn’t seem to see the severity of what has happened, either. We were talking and he said something about the business being a rollercoaster recently, I replied “Yeah, it’s been a stressful few months.†He responded, “You’ve been stressed, too? Really, why?†I tried to keep my jaw from dropping and just replied with a vague, “Everything that’s been going on, you know, with…everything.†(this wasn’t a time or place we could get into it) He paused for a moment and then said, “Huh. I didn’t mean to worry you or anything. I’m feeling less depressed, I think the worst is over." On meds: He called his caseworker twice requesting to be set up with a psychiatrist to start medication. No reply. So yesterday he decided to go to a hospital to be evaluated and hopefully get a prescription or something. But, now his symptoms are not severe enough to get admitted (even I don’t think there is enough anomalous behavior to warrant it, even though I really really wish they would), so he was discharged after a quick assessment. He emailed his caseworker again after this, hopefully something is set up before either he recovers enough he decides he doesn’t need meds, or he goes back downhill and changes his mind again. So, that’s where I stand. I’m trying to focus on the positive progress. I know 3 weeks ago I was saying I just wanted the texting to stop, then I could handle everything better. Well, I get my wish, and here I am clamoring for more, ha. Now I want to know “what his intentions are†and if we are starting the recovery process or if his thoughts are still wanting other relationships, etc, and he’s just not acting on them. But I have to focus on the positive and get us both to a better spot, I think, before we can really address this part and try to heal. I’m concerned that, if he really is past it, that he thinks everything is just going back to normal and we don’t need to do anything extra to patch it up. Because he really doesn’t seem to see what’s happened. Maybe he has amnesia? If I were in his shoes I’d certainly consider acting that way to avoid consequences and embarrassment, but I really can’t say any of his behavior points towards acting or avoidance; it’s simply like it didn’t happen. I can’t let this just fade away, but I don’t want to undo any progress made until I’m sure he’s stable and on meds. So, my mind is boggled and I’m still constantly on alert for signs, but I’m thinking the hurricane is over and now I just have a huge mess to clean up. I’d edit this for succinctness, but the house is waking up so I’m sorry for the length or repitition.

:grouphug: Prayers for an uneventful surgery and easy recovery!

So, when you expect something the unexpected happens. I had told myself I only needed to get through May, then it'd be over one way or another. But the best laid plans, etc. We all got sick, very very sick. I'd only taken a kid to ER once before, and DH once the entire time we've been married. We've been to the ER 6 times in the past 8 days. Last week I ended up sending the 3 older kids to my parents to recover, I stayed with DH and baby. The doctors say it was viral. DH developed pneumonia, but hasn't been responding to antibiotics as well as we'd like. Took him to ER again last night after another fever spike, they did give him some more treatments there so am hopeful that rest, the final doses on antibiotics, fluids, etc., will finally kick this thing. He hasn't been able to do anything besides basically walk the triangle from the bed to the tv to the bathroom. He was scheduled to go into inpatient May 30, that obviously didn't happen. He has been closer to "normal" this past week and a half or so. In some ways its harder because I find myself slipping into normal life with him, but need to remind myself this is probably just temporary because he's so sick and has no energy to do anything. And, I don't know what's really going on in his head, ykwim? He hasn't texted for over a week now, nor talked about leaving, or wanting a fresh start. No thoughts of self harm. Most of his "future" talk is about the business and taking the kids on a vacation when we can afford it. I caught him looking at couples therapy books. But, he still hasn't put back on his wedding ring, only sparingly says Love (though does say he misses me and thanks me for everything I'm doing, so there's that at least), and sometimes says things that are at best tone deaf to how they'd affect me. And those therapy books had a heavy hand on "society and spouses need to be more forgiving and understanding of adultery and infidelity" type of vibe -- though I don't know if that was intentional on his part or just what he happened upon first. He admits he feels more normal, but not all the way, and doesn't know if it's permanent and doesn't think it is. He is still planning on going to inpatient treatment, but because he's lost so much work time already with the illness, plus the recoup time he still needs to go, he will probably have to delay that another week or so. Meanwhile I can't stay at full alert status much longer. I need him out and away, knowing he is safe and getting better. I am feeling the stress of being sick, too, which is coloring my perceptions and also just reducing my energy for dealing with other stressors. I recognize I've only gotten maybe 5 hours of sleep every night this time period, with waking up for either my coughing or someone else's, and I know this is badly affecting my morale. I feel like I should be more grateful for how the past week has gone, but I don't feel like it's actually gotten better, just given a short hiatus. And I'm starting to get scared that I won't be able to forgive how these past couple months have gone. I know its a mental illness. I know its not him. I can see the difference in his thinking, and how nonsensical and delusional he is when he's at his worst. And God can forgive anything, and give me the grace to do so as well, so I should be able to get past it. But the longer this drags out, even without active stuff being added to the list, the less I can focus on any happy ending. 3 months shouldn't wreak such havoc on a 10.5 year marriage. It can't wipe out all the good, and can't take away all the rest of the potential good I still want to have. But it sure feels kind of bleak right now, and I just need some space to readjust. And now it looks like it will be so much more time before I get that. Thanks for listening. I'm a bit Debbie Downer right now, but I'm going to go take a shower, eat something, then go hold a baby. I'll be back up and running in no time.

I'm so sorry, prayers for Jenna and your entire family. :grouphug:

I'd set up an official charity, so that organizations feel comfortable contributing (people too), assuming the laws make it relatively easy to do and wouldn't lock the money away from practical use of its intention. - contact kid's favorite radio station, ask if they would be willing to help with a charity drive, or at least contribute to the fund. - block party at local park (assuming tight knit community where kid is well known), with food, jumping castle, party games. things you can buy cheap and charge a dollar more than cost. need volunteer help and lots of man hours on this. - if part of a church, ask if you can take up a collection or if the church has funds set aside for these cases - lunch fundraiser. go to local businesses, offer to 'cater' lunch for $5-10 per person for a day. either the business cn pay or individual workers can order. helpful to have a friend in the office make the pitch. like up a bunch of businesses for the same day, stagger deliver time. make HUGE amount of food (Mexican has worked well for this) and put into styrofoam to-go clams, deliver to businesses. this is a drop and go idea, not set up a buffet. you need people to help make food (ask church to use their kitchen as a meeting place if they have one, even if people are making the food at their house, the larger room to serve and set up is helpful) and probably a few drivers. organization is essential. if you offer 'menu options' make them easy to mark on clam top so delivery is easy at businesses. - ask local businesses if they would be willing to let you fundraise outside business with table. need a good clear banner on this one, some communities are wary of tables outside doors. (eta: also, maybe they'd be willing to have a coin jar on their counter) - can the kid make a craft? give as thank you gifts and/or 'sell' for small amount. - charity auction, gift baskets or certificates to local businesses donated or at low cost from local businesses (the 'local' Carl's Jr, etc., counts). you can also auction off personal items that you would normally sell to raise money. Grandma's china may get more money this way, hopefully. - eBay and Amazon your stuff. - be active on FB and social media and give update on kid and condition and costs. this is a drag, see if you have a friend or family member that takes on this job whole heartedly. It isn't meant to bring in money on its own (but have a link to donation page), but more to make contributors feel connected to the cause and alleviates keeping all of these people individually updated. and makes it more shareable in the community.

:grouphug: Prayers and hugs :grouphug:

No real change. He's been less unstable the past couple of days, texting continuing to slow to the point idk if he even is anymore. He is sick (actually we are all sick), and I think that it's just sapping his energy.

She has a degree in psychology, and works in the psychology field. He didn't tell me exactly what she does, though, so idk about licensing and stuff. She's pretty young, I assume [edit] a few years out of college, I don't think she quite gets the stakes, maybe. And I have more uncharitable thoughts on the subject, but that's neither here nor there. another edit: I just realized I called someone at most 6 years younger than me "pretty young" lol. I've been trying to make excuses for her, too. Sigh. Ya'll are right, I need a break, and I'm looking forward to when he's somewhere safe so that I can take it.

Hi guys. Thanks for the posts, advice, prayers, and hugs. I am reading them all, it's helping me keep going. I'll try to address some of the points, I don't want you to worry unduly, but I might forget something right now. Well not much has changed. Yesterday was a bad day for me emotionally. I managed to pull it together mostly and salvaged my day. So learning more about what derails me personally, and trying to stay focused. Back in the saddle, back in the mindset. Yes, I'm human, but no, not at my limit yet. No change overall. Texting has slowed but self-harm thoughts have risen. He admits the other person is pulling away, but he says it might be morphing just into a regular friendship that he will have forever because she understands him. Blegh. Monogamy is unnatural, humans aren't meant to be monogamous, especially him. Double blegh. But, he isn't looking for new people to text anymore, since one went quiet last week and this one is slowing down too. He thinks I should be happy about this. I guess? The train has slowed, but we're still in the middle of the rickety dead-end bridge over the rocky gully. During a lightning storm. And the bridge is on fire. lol He's had 4 pro evals since suicidal thoughts, I've talked with 2 of them; they know details of the situation not being posted here, and none of them are concerned for me or the kids (even with the "presenting well" thing). Also, kids are still only around him for maybe 1/2 hr before bed, then when sleeping (the baby is around him more, but always with me). Of course, the kids will come first at the first hint of change on this subject. And I don't know long I can keep this divide-them schedule up, but hopefully long enough. He is concretely planning on checking himself in. He was wanting to finish one more work project before he goes in, because otherwise he'd miss the deadline, and this is a bigger, newer client. Part of the trigger we think was finances and money obligations of a new baby, and he's having a hard time with the idea of not making money while he's "taking a break." But, after today he is not sure he can wait much longer. I'm not pushing either way, because he's still so fragile on this subject that I don't want to ruin it. The other positive is he is doing more activities with me, partially in a bid to distract himself from his thoughts, partially because he is starting to miss me. As in, he said he misses me. And he used the L word yesterday too, kind of by mistake, but it was there. It's not a lot, but I'm taking it as the seeds of an olive branch. And reminding myself he's just as unstable as before, if not moreso, so these are very tiny, unsprouted seeds.

I am so sorry, Linda. You are all in our prayers. :grouphug: :grouphug:

I remember in 6th grade, Molly M.'s parents were away and she was being watched by her sister, I think 18. Anyway, she's getting ready for school, and her uniform shirt was wrinkled. She asked her sister to iron it. Her sister said no, it will "iron itself out" after you wear it for a bit. So Molly decided to iron it herself, despite not knowing how. She came to school in a shirt with a big brown iron mark melted into the front of her shirt (She had no other clean shirts for uniform dress). The rest of the shirt was still wrinkled. I always think about her when I am tempted to half-iron a shirt, even though really that probably isn't the moral of the story lol. No, I hardly iron anymore, and certainly not sheets. I'm lucky if I remember to take the sheets out of the dryer before 9pm and I want to go to bed. And worse, sometimes I forget to put them INTO the dryer before 9pm. :)

Southern AZ: our home value is back up to what it was in 2008 (when we bought), after going down maybe 40K in the past 9 years. I had called a realtor recently to get an idea of what it would be like to sell right now, and he was positive about the process and price for my type of home (barring major damage, etc). He said he's been having houses similar to mine in contract within 2-3 days of listing, and very few houses being on the market longer than a month.

I wrote a book instead of a reply, lol. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. I’ve come here to update a few times this week and either I get interrupted or I preview my post and feel kinda depressed so I just delete instead, lol. He’s rapidly cycling, about 2 days hypo/manic then 2 days depressed right now, if not faster. He is starting to have suicidal thoughts. So far he’s been very direct about it and immediately calling a hotline, he knows it is not right. They have sent people out to evaluate him but they didn’t think he needed more direct intervention after they came (this is the procedure for involuntary commitment here). I've taken all steps currently available to me in the system, and to prevent any action on his part. Silver linings to these thoughts: he says he may check himself in once he’s caught up on work. He’s also asked me to let his family know what’s going on with him, and has admitted he thinks he’s losing his grip on reality. He started texting the person again. [small vent] She knows he’s bipolar, manic, married with 4 kids, and she works in the psychology field. I cannot get it, just cannot GET IT, why she is continuing to talk with him. Guess I’m old fashioned? I think she’s doing him a favor by “being a friend†or something; he may be playing the pity-me-in-a-sad-marriage card. But to me she has culpability at this point because it’s flirting. I’m starting to have fantasies of contacting her myself, but know I’d come across as the crazy wife who won’t let him have friendships, she’d tell him, and we’d be in a worse spot. And he’s looking for other people too, so even he kind of recognizes this person isn’t the Be All End All, so I don’t want to push him closer to her. Also, [other small vent] one of the suicide prevention people that evaluated him suggested he join a role play group so he can have 2+ wives/relationships (me, and someone to role play with) or Second Life. Call me crazy, but denying reality even more with activities that let you create another totally detached world doesn’t sound like a great idea for BP manic person. DH also thought this person was in an open marriage because of some of the details they talked about (idk if this is his delusional side looking for signs of validation, or if they actually were and I just have the worst luck in the world). So now he is back to the idea of open marriage. These suggestions are better than suicide, yes I get it, but not helpful to addressing the other symptoms he's suffering from. On meds, recap: he didn’t go to that appt a couple weeks ago with the GP, my first sign he was cycling again. He wavers between open to it, and closed. If I bring it up, he’s closed. His caseworker 2 weeks ago agreed with his diagnosis of BP, but then said that my DH seems like he isn’t that bad off and may be able to manage it w/o medication (Did I mention DH is good at acting normal, at least for small doses?; also, this person is not a licensed diagnostic/med-advice-giver afaik). IDK if the psychologist has brought it up or not. There has been no recent eval with an actual psychiatrist. Suicide prevention person did suggest it, and he was open to it however they phrased it. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and reflection on all this in the past week. Basically, for me what it comes down to: I can see this as a mental disorder, where he has little grip on reality, and his brain is simply sick. I’m dealing with the brain equivalent of vomit. Or diarrhea. The underlying problem is not his fault and he needs patience and help to get well. And like any other addict/mental health issue, the choice to ask for help and take the first step to change is gargantuan and scary, especially when his brain is actively working against him making the choice. -OR- I can see that he is making a choice (because he is) to do these actions and refusing to take care of the illness despite being able to acknowledge its affects on his life (and on me). He is not so detached that he is completely out of control, and every action he has taken at this point has been a result of a choice he has made, and he is continuing to choose to destroy everything it’s taken over 10 years to build together. He simply is only concerned and focused on his life, his wants, and turns his back on anything that contradicts this. Both of these views I think are true, and valid, extremes that they are. The difference comes from what perspective I want to focus from. I’ve decided for now to go with View #1, and solely focus on that — or as much as I can, at least. Not take the texting personally, not take his fantasy monologues as a salvo on what I offer, not to take the sullenness as his way of passive-aggressively making me choose to leave. IDK how long I can keep going, but I can keep going a lot longer with this frame of mind. The more love, happiness, and support I can feel and offer him, the easier it will be for him to lean on me when he is capable of it. The hardest part of this for me is not dwelling on the texting, and I don’t want to drive myself crazy trying. I just need to recognize when I need to break, deal with my emotions, and don’t do so around him at all. we’ll see how long my resolve lasts, lol. eta, for happiness and perspective: the baby now likes peek-a-boo, DD8yo got superior on all her piano adjudication, DS6yo made it through dance recital with confidence, and DS3yo did not wake me up at 5:30am this morning. :) Life goes on, it's a good life.

Also, some farms run dual crops, some fields organic and some not. I worked at a place like that for 9+ years. The organic tasted the same, looked the same, etc., but the rules and regulations and what was used on the organic section farm was completely different. Getting ready for inspection took a lot of time, and there was a lot of prep when switching the lines between the non-organic and organic products to ensure there was no contamination. Then there were also fields in transition which got special status but not really organic yet, which had to have their own inspections and line time. All that said, I wish it was made clear about what the difference is between organic and non-organic, especially when they faze out one product for another. I know the difference because I had to work with it for a long time, but really so often the term organic is just thrown around without the official stamp of approval (not on packaging, though, that is pretty standard and policed from my experience). And "natural" vs organic for some products can be confusing.

Art group, where there is like a still life set up and you can bring your own art supplies depending on what you want to do: charcoal, acrylics, etc. An hour or 2 hour window to draw whatever is set for that week. Snacks during and after, can display the pieces at the end and talk about what you did, why you chose the medium, your angle or focus or whatever. Maybe have ideas for take-home assignments that people can bring in at the meeting to show how they interpreted it. Like "unexpected light source" or "hiding a secret."

Thanks. I don't think the massive damage and shame is necessarily because I touched him as I did, because I was within acceptable bounds, but I did act more out of emotion than thinking, and could have reasonably guessed that he would take it as an attack. It's not a guilt that I hurt him or something, as much as guilt that I didn't do what was best in the situation. I know I can't always do the best, logically, but I do feel bad about not doing it this time, since it put the progress back a few steps. Thanks for assuring me it isn't as bad as I'm building it to be. I know that normal-DH wouldn't have thought twice about it, so I should stop thinking about it, too. The class, ironically, we were supposed to do together but then baby-coverage dropped out so I couldn't take it. He was bummed at first we couldn't do it together and still wants me to do it the next time it's offered. In my angrier moments I have fantasized about showing up and seeing what happened, but really I know that is better left in my head than acted upon, lol.

Sorry this is so long, a case of the classic "If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter." Thanks for this. I did see it early Mother's Day morning, and it helped me keep it together. It was a thoroughly forgettable Mother's Day. At least, I'm actively trying to forget it, lol. So, last week he stopped texting the person, giving the reason that he is bipolar, and so can't see or text her until he is stable. So, while it's good on one hand, he is starting to build her up as a Star Crossed Connection that, once he is stable, he can start to see again "once he makes his decision" (i.e. whether to stay or go). And he is angry at me for interfering in it (the date I found out about on Wednesday and blew my top over was this one. He says he was going to break it off at this date anyway, but that since I "inserted" myself by asking what he was going to do, its now more my fault, and yes he does acknowledge that isn't fair or sensical.) He's told me he misses her a lot, but a part of him knows that she wasn't that interested anyway, so he is going back and forth between the fantasy idea of her, and that she doesn't really care. In either case, he is depressed over it. I also did massive damage to the situation, and I am ashamed of it, and really don't want to mention this but I've been honest thus far. When I found out last Wednesday about the date, I did let emotions get the best of me. I put my hands on his chest when we were talking. Didn't push or hit, but did put my hands on him, as if I wanted to shake him. He says, though, that I used my nails (I don't think I did). He says he doesn't feel like his anger over this is justified because of the things he's done, and he admits I didn't actually hurt him or try to hurt him and it was an acceptable level of contact, but he is really really angry at me over it. Again, no physical manifestation, just withdrawal. And stares of anger and sullen answers. He keeps bringing it up as justification for his attitude (eta: then says thats not fair of him, and he is sorry for continually bringing it up). He met her at a community class, the next level starts today and he signed up for it. He just found out she's going to be going to it (she said she wasn't before). He's conflicted now but wants to do it because he has developed other [male] friendships there, and he likes the group dynamic. And it's his only social outlet right now. At this point, my asking him to not do it will just fuel his anger towards me, and do more damage to our relationship, which I basically feel like I'm chasing the tatters of already. I did start the process for a therapist through my insurance, but will take a while (as we saw with his request), and will continue to talk to the people I'm with already. We have had some good conversations since Thursday, despite his general anger and withdrawal, and I continue to glimpse a normal person. He wants to change his career now, as well, but is actively seeing some of his impulses as being led by the disease. He's filled out a few volunteer forms for community things looking for positive interaction and less self-centered thinking. He has apologized at times for his attitude and even has made a few gestures showing he's trying to act normal. He [sometimes] wants us to do couples counseling to repair stuff. But, he still talks about getting stable so he can finally make the decision to leave. He has not said "love you" for the past week, which you'd think is the least of my concerns at this point but the symbolism is freaking me out. We have kept kids farther away from him, he hasn't been with them for more than 20 min with the exception of Mothers Day. I think this is worse for him in some ways because its distancing himself from the the positive parts of family life as well, and he doesn't really replay good memories to keep up positive images, especially when he is already negative towards the family life thing. But, neither of us want the kids to deal with him like this if he is easily irritable. So yeah I'm close to the red zone of my coping ability I think. Just focusing on the progress made, the times he actually is in a good mood and acting like a guy I used to know, and the fact it's really only been 2 months (and not even all the time of the 2 months has been all bad), not an entire life time, and that if the pattern holds up, we're either turning a corner or are about to. I'm slipping on self care and need to refocus on that and fun activities for kids, since the school thing has stopped except for math and reading/writing. I know self care will make it easier on everyone, and will probably even help DH (though thats not why I should do it), its just getting harder to take the time when I feel like there is so many things that need to be fixed.