I use salted because that is what I prefer on bread and I have no interest in trying to keep two different types of butter in the fridge. My family actually tends towards too-low blood sodium levels, so extra dietary salt is generally a good thing around here.

Oh. My. I am speechless.

I wasn't intending to attack OP. I apologize if it came out that way; I was responding to other posts in which the lazy designation was brought up. Not knowing the back story however, I am not sure why OP would expect much in the way of serious parenting from P2. He is not a legal or custodial parent of this child, and has apparently only in the past couple of years had any role in her life at all. OP is true parent to the child and behaves as such. I'm not actually aware of any situation in which a non custodial birth parent acted as a true, responsible parent to their child. I imagine it happens on occasion, but would certainly be the exception not the rule. P2's issues are certainly his problem, but the child's welfare remains OP's responsibility.

Yeah, I don't think we really disagree about this situation. Lazy as a label is something of a trigger for me because it was one of the ones I got as a kid with undiagnosed ADHD. I absolutely think that Tap is handling the raising of an exceptionally challenging kid very well.

Good question, guess I'll find out. Looks like there is a Magic Tree House anime movie too:

Ha! Found some! https://www.amazon.com/Dinosaurs-Before-Knight-Magic-Japanese/dp/4840105510/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481391597&sr=8-1&keywords=magic+tree+house+japanese I just may know what I am getting myself for Christmas! Thanks Nan for sparking this idea :)

Absolutely Magic Tree House in Spanish counts! I attempted The Horse and His Boy in Japanese recently but it seems I've lost too much of my kanji reading skills even for that (only requires maybe third grade skills less common kanji are accompanied by phonetic markings). I wonder if I could get Magic Tree House books in Japanese; they're geared at a bit younger kids so might have all the helps I need :)

I wouldn't expect that kind of involvement though from a non custodial parent without any rights. I don't actually think OP expects it either, I think she was just delineating the parameters and limitations of P2's parenting involvement.

I can see how the "might" could be used to soften these phrases; that is a very interesting insight! I think someone who does not have this dialectical variant as an option might achieve a similar effect by saying "maybe I(you) could/should..."

I think I would try to respond to "you're a b*tch" with emotional validation: "It sounds to me like you are pretty stressed/upset/angry right now." At a later unemotional time I would discuss appropriate and inappropriate use of language with them.

The "lazy" designation did strike me as judgmental; the facts of the situation could be stated without including a character judgment (which lazy is) on P2. There are a lot of possible reasons other than simple choice that a person might not appear to be exerting themselves. P2 could have ADHD, could have a physical issue that makes him feel tired and unergetic (such as hypothyroid), could have some level of depression, really there are endless possibilities. As for food, he may never have learned to cook, may have grown up in a household where no-one ever cooked, may view junk food as a demonstration of love. Labeling him as "lazy" doesn't strike me as any more helpful than labeling his child as "naughty" (based her her legitimately problematic behaviors) would be.

Hm, interesting question. In my experience, group based jokes are not always problematic. I remember one international school I attended as a child; the set up was unusual as all the kids were grouped together for classwork in the language of the host country, but for a few hours a week were split into national "sections" for classwork in the language of that section. The kids in each national section typically but not always had at least one parent of that nationality. There was a lot of friendly rivalry among the sections, and lots of jokes and stereotypes--but the overall atmosphere of the school was the most diversity friendly situation I have ever been in. Having the separate groups to belong to, including the freedom to joke about one's own and others' groups, actually seemed to facilitate camaraderie among the groups. So...I dont know. I'm not 100% sure that group based jokes and stereotypes are always harmful. If one group or another is being singled out for an unfair share of negative stereotyping, that seems problematic. But generally friendly banter with folks poking fun at themselves along with others may not be.

One thing that helps here once a kid hits meltdown mode (otherwise known as "the rational part of their brain is completely inaccessible) is distraction--the brain needs to be distracted out of the emotional loop it has fallen into. Depending on the child and the circumatances, there are a few things that can work. One of mine responds very well to audio books and has learned to seek them out herself when she is starting to fall apart. With my younger volatile child, sitting down and reading a picture book, pulling them into a tickle or wrestling game, or turning on a favorite video can all work to break the meltdown cycle. Anything that the child would experience as antagonistic--lecture, time out, consequence--will only feed the emotional storm going on inside them. A child in meltdown mode is fully at the mercy of the primitive, fear driven part of their brain.

I agree with this. Acknowledging that P2 does not curently have the skills to effectively cope with this child's behavior does not equate to holding P2 in contempt. Frankly, most adults don't have the skills to effectively manage a high needs child. I've got a couple of very volatile children, and I have frequently had to arrange my life around the reality that my dh (who has mental health difficulties of his own) was not prepared to parent them without me. My other children I could leave with him, but not those two. Dh does work very hard at being a parent, but he has his own emotional volatility to cope with and is not always capable of functioning in as stable and rational manner as emotionally volatile kids need. It is what it is, as a family we have to adjust to the actual parameters of our lives. I don't know what all is going on with P2--frankly, as the biological parent of a high needs child he may have some of the same underlying issues that she does. He can have entirely good motivation but still not have the necessary abilities and skills to be a fully functional parent for this exceptionally difficult child.

Poly is such a common prefix though that I suspect it is being used with other Latin roots as well.

LOL :D

If we are offering advice though it can only be based off of what Tap has told us. If respite for her/the rest of the family were a factor she wanted us to consider I have to assume she would have mentioned that.

If you want a cookbook, Pretend Soup and others by Mollie Katzen are great for that age. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1883672066/ref=dbs_a_w_dp_1883672066

A special needs child may be incapable of understanding and processing consequence in the manner you intend. She is most definitely capable of experiencing trauma, however, and P2's parenting style is traumatizing. Of course, P2 was reacting to the child's own traumatizing behavior. Adults who interact with children like this, however, cannot afford to parent reactively; such behavior on the part of the parent can only escalate matters. Since P2 is not willing or able to learn and use less reactive parenting strategies, he should not be parenting this child.

The wild hedgehogs who used to visit our yard ate dog food. They'd climb right into the dog's food bowl so that all you could see was their prickly back.

No, I would not make her visit. P2 is exhibiting an arbitrarily punitive style of parenting that in no way is going to help the child. Parent2's home is not a healthy environment for her under those conditions.

Will he be using a toaster oven or some such? And adult size oven would be problematic for a young child to use safely; their arms are not long enough to reach past the door when open.

Most principles of high school level chemistry do not require dangerous labs to demonstrate.

My state allows any parent of a child in public school to opt their child out of state testing.

The rules for unemployment benefits vary from state to state but I think a job being outside a reasonable commuting distance can result in an exemption from the "must take any appropriate job offered" rule.