I don't think so. I think it's a real example in her life of an outcome that hurts her heart.

Also, it's better that my child have his most formative years without this issue. Why? Because then that will be the world he comes from. That will be the ideal he is set up and used to living in. That will be his default. Innocence is a *good* thing. There will be a time when his heart and thinking are further solidified that I will tell him that there are shockingly idiotic people out there who may judge him on many different things, skin color included. Little, little kids don't need that in their tiny little hearts. Now, if someone's family is making nasty racist comment in front of then, then it needs to be handled early.

What does adoption have to do with this? My child still ended up in a place where there is no one in his community like him. It doesn't matter whether he was adopted or not.

The part about my exhusband and stuff being in his head? He knows now that it was mostly in his head! *He* says so. After a few times of "They hate me because I'm Korean" and then realizing that those people have no problem with other Koreans, he suddenly realized that he was paranoid. It took becoming an adult and learning critical thinking for him to be able to sort that out. It's *sad* that he grew up feeling that way. Very, very sad. How nice that he was able to realize, eventually, that most people really don't care about his skin. Your last two sentences I totally agree with. BTW, we had Martin Luther King documentaries on all day on that holiday (we get cable specifically for Americans) because he was a GREAT guy. There was a problem, and he lead people to change it in a non-violent way. He is the kind of person I want my child emulating. I still haven't sat down with my child to say, "Some people will hate you because of how you look." That would be harmful to him at this point. And I don't like the idea that I should have.

It was an example of something I see all the time. Over-correcting as a parent because of one's own experiences. That does happen in certain families, that I have personally known, in race issues. The over the top teaching to a child about how they *might* be treated once they go to school years before they even go to school. By the time the child gets to school they are expecting to be treated terribly by anyone and everyone, and once they do have a negative interaction they *assume* seemingly out of the blue it's due to race. I've seen some shocking examples. However, I'm not saying anyone here is doing that. It's just relevant to the discussion based on parents I've known. Great intentions they may have had, but they made their children paranoid and it's very hard to undo that when it's done at such a young age. Most of those parents grew up in very hard racial times, or in racist families and were treated like dirt. Yet, the world their children are growing up in is very different. And, no, not every place is different, yet. There are some places where you are very right to be paranoid. I don't teach my son directly about skin color. It's a meaningless thing on which to build meaning. I do teach him about his heritage. I teach him to love that. I also teach him to love other cultures. There are no Korean or Irish rolemodels here in my child's community. There aren't even really any white or asian rolemodels in his community. Oh well. That doesn't bother me or him at all. Fortunately there isn't a racist bone in any of my extended family anymore. It used to be bad in my family in Mississippi (my grandma's siblings) but that was before my time and I've only met them twice in my life. All the siblings have died, except for one who is not in any way racist, and thankfully their children and grandchildren and great-grand children are up with modern sensibilities. We went their this year and didn't here one weird comment from anybody about any race. Apparently things used to be said at family reunions like, "Well, I did know a good black man, once." They were from a different world than I am. They grew up with that being a normal way of thinking. I grew up in California in the suburbs with lots of people of lots of colors and no one cared. Not all of California is awesome like that, much of it is! Cal, if you have racist family members, then you do, obviously, need to address this when your children are tiny. We all have different communities and families around us. We all need to act accordingly. You must have a tough job impressing on your babies that racist comments are *not* normal. How do you give them the idea that most of the people around them are not like that, when their own family is. That's a hard job! You have my sympathy on that.

I don't think anyone minds anyone talking about race! My son walks around telling people he is half Korean/half Irish. If a child walks around telling people that she is half African/a quarter Chinese/ and a quarter Cherokee, more power to the little one. It's the idea of "People will hate me because my skin is dark" that a 3 year old doesn't need to walk around thinking. Have you ever heard a small child say "She hates me because I'm black." after another child didn't want to play with her because the child was sick and in a bad mood and didn't want to play with anyone, not just the black child? I have. I know kids who are oversensitive and think everything almost negative interaction boils down to race. It is not fair to a child to have to feel like that all the time. My exH grew up with "They hate me/don't want to play with me/dont' want me around/think I'm ugly because I'm Korean." Most of it, but certainly not all, was in his head.

I know several children who had to deal with that. Over-correcting makes it a huge deal in the sensitive minds of small children. Every child is different, though. Some children won't be affected and some will be extremely sensitive. This is why I think it's best for people to deal with things in a way that is best for their specific children. And, also, not based on parent's experiences necessarily, either. Sometimes parents way over-correct based on their own experiences. A good example of that is my friend who's mom used to lock her and her brothers and sisters in one room for days so she didn't have to deal with them. In raising her own children, she was so traumatized that she gave them no boundaries. She regrets that deeply now and sees that she also hurt her children, though with the best intentions. I look at my child and see *his* personality and *his* needs and *his* development and *his* environment and the risk inherent in *his* environment and proceed with what is best for him. If he was being raised in backwoods southern US where racism was all over the place, I would handle things accordingly. If we were still in a liberal/hippy/love everyone area of California, I would handle things accordingly. We are where we are. He is who he is. His development is where it is. And instead of making something a huge deal in his head very young when everything is internalized for good or for bad, regardless of good intentions or bad, I wait until the right time.

Also, calandalsmom, no one has brought it up to my child. So far, at 7, he is proud to be Korean and proud to be Irish. Of course, if I lived in an area in the US were racism was rampant and it was likely that at 2 or 3 some kid would repeat some idiotic statement from their parents, then I would have started earlier that would be ideal for his personal development. As it is, I do live in a very racist place, but comments aren't made about skin color here. Apparently Koreans are mean, or so I'm told. Whatever. I'll deal with that as it comes. My son is proud to be exactly the mix he is. And I've taught him that. The pride in one's heritage must come before the idea that people may hate you for your heritage. And a person must be careful not to teach that pride in heritage is not taught to the point of arrogance or thinking that one is better than others because of it! That just leads to your own child being racist. Yikes. Pride in the uniqueness of where each individual comes from is what I teach. Mean people, hateful people, ignorant people... those are a different lesson. We learn about them, too, and how to deal with them. Starting off with the idea that some people are going to hate you because of your color is harmful. It has a time and place but is a terrible starting point.

Or you end up with children who wish their skin was a different color so they didn't have to keep dealing with that issue that other people are always bringing up to them, even those with good intentions.

Very true. When people are hurt it is not meaningless, it is very sad. Skin color doesn't matter. It just is. Hurting people is horrible. I do need my child to know that differences in skin color just are. I also need him to know that judging people over meaningless things is stupid, wrong, and hurtful. I don't want him to want another skin color because race has been made a huge issue by others in his life. His skin color is just a fact, as is mine, as is everyone's. I don't want him worrying that other people are making a big deal out of it before he is old enough to shrug crap like that off and move on, and before he is old enough to understand that it is *their* issue.

Outcomes like the OP's are exactly why. Ignoring/procrastinating is not the kindest way to put it. Waiting until the child is developmentally ready is important. The outcome that the OP's children are living through is not okay and not what most of us want for our children.

I agree. It *is* gross and disgusting... We shouldn't make it illegal to be truthful. That's stating a fact, not putting down anyone in particular.

Everyone does eventually but at widely different ages. My son was 6 when he noticed we are different. My response was not a huge discussion that would make it a big deal to him. My response was a shrug and "Yeah like we have different color hair." Why? Because he needs to know that it doesn't matter. That skin color just is, and who cares anyway? Once he internalizes THAT, then we can talk about idiots who think it matters.

My son hasn't ever has a bad experience due to his skin color, yet. He's 7. He was 6 when he first noticed that he and I have different color skin. I said something like, "Yeah, just like we have different color hair." If it's not an issue, I don't want him told the wrong way by a well-meaning person when he is young enough to internalize it. The internalizing of the idea that he is less because of his skin would be a tragedy. Giving him the message that lots of people think and have thought throughout history that you are less because of your skin is a bad, bad thing when a child is too young to process that correctly. When he is old enough to slough it off and say, "Well, that's idiotic." then that is the right time. This is how I'll teach him in a nutshell- Sputter - "You know what's really stupid?" Tiny Sputter - "What?" Sputter - "People judging other for really stupid things." Tiny Sputter - "Yeah." Sputter - "Some people even judge people for completely meaningless superficial things. Like skin color, example. Isn't that ridiculous?" Tiny Sputter - "Really? That's not nice!" Sputter - "And during the Great Famine, in some places the English would feed the Irish if they made their last name more English, but not if they kept the O' or the Mac on their name. How stupid is that? Disliking people because of their last name? Idiotic." Tiny Sputter - "Why do some people do that?" Sputter - "I think some people do that just because that's how they were taught. Some people do it because they have anger problems in their heart. Some people just don't know better. We can love them anyway, right?" Tiny Sputter - "Of course we can!" I've known a few parents to emphasize racial issues far too much far too early. I've seen it cause serious damage to their children. When someone doesn't like them, when something goes wrong etc. it's always "It's because of my skin." to the poor children. It's truly horrifying. Normal childhood drama is suddenly a racial issue. Awful. For these children, race is *always* on their minds. They are always worried about someone's weird facial expression. "Do they not like me because I'm ______?" Maybe the person just had to fart. Maybe they have a headache or are in a bad mood. I want my child to have peace of mind and not always be wondering. It can turn into a constant worry or a constant thing that they worry they will have to deal with in any social situation. It's *not* healthy. And my exH used to be like that. In high school, he was fired from a job and his take? It was because he was Korean. Then he told me about his Korean friend at that job. I asked him whether the people who didn't like him at that job like the other Korean guy. He said they liked him a lot. So, I kindly pointed out that his being fired probably had nothing do with his race, and probably had a lot to do with his performance. :glare: After a couple instances like that, it was like a lightbulb going off in his head. Bad things aren't always about his race. But he genuinely thought they were. If I tell my son past the age of internalizing these things so readily, he'll already know that people do stupid things, have stupid ideas, and sometimes act in a generally stupid manner. It's part of life. Move on, roll your eyes, and know that racism is a problem on the part of the racist. It has nothing to do with someone being a certain race. God gave us variety, and yay for that! If you think racism is bad in America, try Mexico. There is little (maybe no) cultural stigma to judging people based on race. Every week I hear a new one. Did you know that Filipinos are money-grubbers? I wanted to ask, "Have you ever met someone from the Philippines??" :001_huh: Also, just 3 days ago I was giving a guy a ride and when someone slammed on their brakes he called the driver a Oaxacan. :001_huh: When my friend's dog was growling the neighbor called him a Sinaloan. :001_huh: The taco stand lady told me recently that all Koreans are mean. I could go on and on and on. I know my son. When it's the right time to teach him, he will laugh his head off over the ludicrousness of judging people based on something so meaningless.

OMGosh. I totally agree. Nobody needs to be telling my son that his skin color means/has meant anything at his age. He learn. I'll teach him when it's appropriate for him, in a way that is appropriate for him.

Yeah. I had juice with beets, once. Never again...

There are quite a few single mom's homeschooling here. :) Me included.

I would consider it. But I bet it was a migraine. Ice and other colds things help a lot with them. The nausea and light sensitivity are exactly what happens during a migraine. I had migraines as a child. It's not the uncommon. But I would consider the ER because you never know with a child if it's meningitis or something like that.

I agree. I haven't known any family personally in the US who put their 7 year old in a booster seat. However, I can't think of one who wouldn't run out and get one once the law changed. People often use the law as a safety guide. If it's required 'til 4, it must be safe to not use one after 4, right?

Do what mom says, period. :tongue_smilie: I keep meaning to come up with a list of rules, but I never do get around to it.

It's safer. It's for kids. It's all good to me. Frankly, honestly, it warms my heart. I've known one family, ever, in Mexico to use a car seat at all, even for tiny infants. People hold their babies in the car here. That one family stopped using it at 6 months or so.

:iagree:

I feel for you. I cook for 50-100 on a regular basis. 300 would make me cry. We feed a very healthy hearty meal for 1 dollar per person, but not at US prices. I also know almost nothing about Harry Potter. I'm not very useful, am I? Beans are cheap. Rice is cheap. Salad is cheap, if you do it right. Carrots and celery are cheap. Are you also providing the plates and silverware and napkins and cups? Do you have very, very large pots and containers? My limit in making large amounts of food right now is the size of my pots, crockpots, and storage containers. You would be surprised at quite how large the volume of food is for 300 people. I use several very large storage containers just for the salad portion of the meals we serve. Then there are the pots of beans, and the containers of rice, and the giant pot of meat, etc. You will need a truck to transport 300 people worth of a "hearty" meal. It won't fit in a car.

Embrace the purging! I love to purge! It started when I was in elementary school and had lice. My parents took everything in my room and tied it up in big black trash bags. I loved my clean, empty room. Clean and empty equals peace. Just think of how nice it'll be when you're done!

A bale of hay every once in awhile. We haven't started yet, but that is what I agreed to a couple days ago.