First of all, I would quit having dessert every day and save sugar for 3 or 4 special occasions a year. Otherwise you are just feeding her body's desire to eat more carbs each and every day. I have extremely picky kids, some of which have food allergies and some who do not. Are you just wanting to make sure that she eats a healthy diet? I insist that my kids eat some sort of protein at every meal, and I keep the refrigerator stocked with ready to grab protein so it is easy for them to do so. Due to late swim practice, we don't eat dinner until close to 8. I usually have it made early in the day and just heat it up when we get home. I try to keep everything separate. So if we have grilled chicken with alfredo sauce and cauliflower, they are all in different bowls. One kid can eat just chicken and sauce and one kid can eat just cauliflower and chicken but the kid who doesn't want to eat the chicken will need to go get some other protein to eat. Last night one kid didn't want what I had cooked so she made a salad and added some cut up leftover steak. About once a week she eats a plate of cheese and cold cuts with carrots for dinner A couple of hours before swim practice, they have a smoothie with coconut cream, raw eggs, whey protein powder and berries so I know they are getting the calories that they need. We do not buy cereal or chips or convenience foods of any kind. If it isn't in the house, there isn't any temptation or power struggle. I also make them meal plan and shop with me. If they picked the meal, they are much more likely to eat it. I don't make them try what they don't want to try. One kid refused to taste soup. For 18 years she refused. The very idea of soup grossed her out. Then one day, she decided on her own to try it. She just called from college asking me to send her a recipe for my chicken soup with lime and cilantro. That is my one last point. I try very hard to make sure what I cook is delicious. When the kids tell me something I cooked tastes good, I tell them that I'm working on my 10,000 hours of cooking mastery. I think it is a little unfair to expect people to want to eat meals with very little thought and effort put into them. Good luck. I know it isn't easy.

Thanks for the clarification. It is all good.

Again, I'm not sure when this discussion became about you rather than the wives in the previous posts.

No one said that YOU blamed someone. But the wives in the example did.

Which is exactly why I prefaced my comment with "All I know about low sex drive is what I have read on these boards. But let's go with your example anyway. Who would feel differently about the husband if you found out that he had a major soda habit but had been working on it, and had gone 90 days without a soda? What if it hadn't really resulted in weight loss? It is hard to argue that he hadn't made a step towards better health, and his success might just spur him on to another tiny step like walking to the mail box each day? Who would feel differently about the husband if he started going to the gym and eating better, but continued to insist that he only over ate because his wife is a nag or because she doesn't clean the house enough or wear make up? I don't have sympathy for the wife because she has a problem that she wants to blame on someone else. If she were to take my ineffective advice. It would fail to solve the real problem, but it might start her down the road to seeing a doctor or some other solution, which might or might not help, but it would show her partner that she knows she is a problem and is committed to seeking a solution. Just like quitting soda would for the husband. Instead, she says, "I would feel better if he would only do...." that is just immature. Sadly, as I said, if one of my friends came to me complaining about their husband's weight, they would not be open to looking at what they can do to change their own response to his weight gain. They would not be open to changing their own behavior, even as a first step towards a solution. They would just be looking for a way to introduce the conversation about how much they want me to meet their new love who is perfect and never going to have problems like their current spouse does. It is sad but true.

I'm not at all implying this is the case with the wives mentioned in these posts. I'm sure it isn't. But in my experience, when my friends start coming to me and telling me they don't find their husband attractive any longer. They always have already set their eyes on his replacement. They come to me with complaints looking for agreement and time after time, I'm disappointed when I find out they were just looking for an excuse to move on to the next Mr. Right.

I know! My husband is out of town, and I really want to express how amazingly grateful I am to have such an mate!

We have talked about this on the boards before. In fact, this is where I learned everything I know about people with low sex drive. First, I'd have her take vitamins and amino acids that help to balance her own hormones. I'd add a daily dose of Maca for "sexual wellbeing". It has also been suggested that women can use lubricant well before bed time to get in the mood. Personally, I'd add a romantic movie or book for myself. I'd start each day with a list of 10 things that are irreplaceable about my husband. I'd set the mood with candles and soft music. I'd recognize that I'm the one with the problem.

My dad was supposed to move across the country with the love of his life. She bought a house just for him in the town he loved. She moved and started her new job. He was supposed to start packing and join her. He just couldn't make progress. A year went by. And then another one. Why couldn't he get it together? We insisted that he get a full medical work up. Everything seemed fine. A few months later, he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. The doctors couldn't believe how anemic he was. Clearly, he didn't go from fine to dying in 60 days. I asked a doctor friend how the first hospital could have missed it. She said it is horrifyingly easy to miss. She had seen it happen to other patients before. So no, I don't just assume that i know when people are perfectly healthy.

I have so sympathy for her because she is overly concerned with her own emotions and desires. She is focusing on her spouse's weak area rather than just appreciating his good qualities. She would rather blame him than fix herself. Yep. No sympathy at all.

I also take exception to the assumption that smaller is healthier. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, his doctors were very happy that he had some extra weight for reserves during chemo. I was a size 4 when I got married in my 20's. I'm in my 50s now and a size 10. I've never had surgery other than getting my tonsils out as a kid. I never have had a single high blood sugar or high blood pressure reading. I had 2 easy pregnancies in my 40s. I take no medication, and never have. My sister never had children and never gained any weight, but she has wrecked her body with low calorie diets. She is diabetic, had a hysterectomy, had her thyroid out, has had hernias repaired and various growths removed. She was just informed that she is at risk for Alzheimer's due to family history and blood sugar issues. I've lost count of how many medications she is on. So I'm not justifying or defending being overweight, but let's not pretend that skinny people are always healthier than fat people.

I think it is perfectly fine to be shallow when you are dating/courting/picking a spouse. I think it is wise to be aware enough to say, "I'm just not attracted to short guys." Or "I can't marry a guy with poor grammar." Or "I don't want to live on rice and beans. I'm looking for a guy with a good income." Many marriage issues come up later because people were not honest with themselves about these things before they said I do. But when you get married, the whole point is that you are saying "I love who you are. I love you in the good times. I love you in the bad. I love you when you are well and when you are sick. I love you when we have money and when we have none. None of these superficial situations can sway my love for who you are inside." So unless your vows included a covenant to maintain the same weight then spouse B is doing absolutely nothing wrong. And spouse A is not living up to their commitment. Sometimes I'm not so interested in being intimate. Maybe I have a nursing baby. Maybe I'm tired and resentful of picking up after people and cooking time consuming meals that the kids criticize anyway. When that happens, Dh brings me coffee in bed. He makes breakfast for the kids then takes them to run errands and get groceries on the way home. By that point I'm texting him telling him he he had better hurry home for some horizontal bonding! He doesn't complain about me. He figures out the source of my unhappiness and shows his commitment to making things better. Wow! Is that ever attractive! My parents divorced over money. My mom came from a very blue collar family. My paternal grandfather was a multimillionaire. One of her sisters had already married one of my dad's brothers. She had the unspoken expectation that if she married him, she would be set for life financially. My dad had complete distain for his own father's focus on money and told me one time that he himself was too highly evolved to earn money. He spent his life being poor by choice and never living up to his earning potential by choice. When my mom complained, he told her to go get a job if she wanted money. This was not a situation where they had common goals before the wedding, but he got laid off or was out of work due to factors outside of his control. Because of growing up in this environment, I was very clear with Dh before we about what my admittedly shallow expectations were for our financial future. Once we were married, if he chose to not pursue work. If he consistently took low paying jobs that were below his skill level, I'd be disappointed. I'd know it was shallow, but I'd still be disappointed. But rather than trying to shame him about it, I'd try to sort out the root of the problem. I'd want to know if he was dealing with a bout of depression or a sub clinical health issue. I'd try to brainstorm ways to make money without him. And finally, I might have to look at my own shallow values and accept that God was using the situation to refine me. Then I would start figuring out new recipes for rice and beans. At no point would I say, "If you care about me, you will go make more money." He never took a vow about income, and hopefully, spouse B never took a vow about weight.

I went to 16 weeks and then tapered off. The doctors didn't want to do that but I fought for it and convinced them that my stress level would be worse for the baby than giving in to me.

I know one non educating HS family. I think that is primarily due to mental illness in both parents. I'm someone who is still in love with homeschooling. I'm more in love with homeschooling than I was 17 years ago, because now I can SEE the results in my own family. Another reason I'm still in love with homeschooling is because I have not had a ton of contact with other homeschoolers. I have never been in a co-op. We didn't join the HS Girl Scout troop. Do you know who my friends are-public school teachers. They tell me about the student they had who failed Algebra 1 four times before they got them and discovered that the student just needed extra time to pass with an A. They tell me how PS is destroying their own children's enthusiasm for learning. And when I cry to them that I may be shortchanging one of my own kids. They hug me and assure me that my kid would be neglected in their class because they have to ignore the bright kids to help the ones that are drowning. And they cry to me about how they regret leaving their own kids in PS and how they feel like they are so unprepared for college as a result. They tell me that they wish their kid could gone to my homeschool and graduate with a good grasp on algebra and geometry rather than having been sped through advanced courses with no comprehension and no accountability. I don't judge other families' progress. We always say, "It is a marathon, not a sprint." Yet some people want kids tested every lap to see if they are ahead or behind. That isn't helpful to me. Where my kid is in second grade compared to yours has absolutely no relation to which one will be ready for college or which one will do better after graduation. That is just measuring the first lap. I have been homeschooling long enough to see a trend that some of the people who were the most "perfect" homeschoolers now have young adults with the most problems. I don't wish that I had been more like them and been more strict with my schedules and lesson plans and color coded binders. I'm happy for every detour and unplanned day off and bunny trail and hobby. These are the things that give my kids stability and balance in their lives. These are the things that make them unusual and unique. These are the things that keep them from burning out. I'm not making value judgements on how other families are doing. I'm not keeping track of what lap your kid is on. But if you are keeping track of mine, I'll let you know that I have an 11 year old who is "behind" in writing. She keeps resisting and the writing programs I have tried have not been a good fit. So every day, I read out loud to her from "Style Towards Clarity and Grace" she thinks that she is putting one over on me by not actually doing any writing. But I know, someday soon, when I'm reading, she is going to scream, "OMG! Give me my stupid laptop! I can write so much better than these morons!" And then she will be off! Racing through the laps for herself. And she will own it. And she will love it. So no. I'm not in favor of mandatory testing for any kid. I'm not worried about if I'm doing enough. I'm not worried about if you are. I may only have 10 years of homeschooling left and I will be much too busy enjoying every minute of it!

We give our college kids a set amount per semester. It is up to them to figure out how to use it. We also give a couple of hundred for birthdays and Christmas. In your situation, I'd give $75 per month and let him add a little ore income or cut expenses. Our kids do also have credit cards for emergencies, but they always ask before they use it. We buy them clothes and shoes for birthdays and Christmas too. My kids don't order pizza once a week, or ever. Even my daughter living in a dorm cooks in the dorm kitchen or a friend's house on the weekend and then has food in her dorm when she can't stand to eat any more campus food. My daughter who lives off campus doesn't even pay for food anymore. She cooks every night and her roommate appreciates it so much that she no longer will accept money for groceries. We pay for their phones and plane fare home and tuition and car insurance. It isn't as though they have bills. When my kids ask to use their cards, it is things like, "I just finished my exam, can I spend $2 to rent a movie on Amazon?" They would feel like $75 extra a month was excessive just for fun money.

I'm so appreciative of everyone's input and advice. I know the insight about career prospects is spot on. It just isn't our concern for this particular child. We just want her to to reach her full potential in spite of her learning differences. We don't have some career or financial end game in mind. I have to share my WTM story about the Ancient Greek. When she was in first grade, I read the first edition of TWTM. I read Black Ships Before Troy and most of the other book recommendations out loud to her. I remember reading Black Ships in the car. We got to the restaurant and she begged me to bring the book in and keep reading while we waited for food. I was a little embarrassed and tried to keep my voice quiet, so the gore wouldn't ruin the other diners' dinner. The next year, she sewed a Odysseus costume out of burlap to wear when she was giving a book talk to her Girl Scout troop. You should have seen the other girls' eyes glaze over. Friends asked why I was reading her such weird books. I explained that the idea was to become familiar and hopefully in love with good literature so that when she was older she would read them in the original. My dad said, dismissingly, "The original is in Greek". Thanks, Dad. I'm aware of that. Later she read other translations. I remember when the movie Troy came out. Her professor aunt called and asked her to remind her of what was changed from the book. Then, our dairy cow died when Dh was out of town. Dd worked all day in the sun to bury her. She said, "It wasn't too bad because I found a new translation of The Iliad on Audiable to listen to when I was digging." So when her university required 3 semesters of foreign language, I wasn't shocked when she chose Greek. But I was looking forward to the end of her 3rd semester. Then she decided she wanted to take 2 more semesters "because that is when you get to translate Homer." You hear that, Dad? I just keep flashing on that day in the restaurant reading out loud to her and my hope for her future which is her reality today. So, I can totally see her wanting to incorporate both the Greek and British Lit into her field of study. In addition, she feels like not being able to read French is holding back her learning, so she wants to work on that next. The whole process is starting to feel more doable. I'm just going to keep taking the next step. Thanks for talking me off the ledge.

Awww... Thanks! I'm pretty partial to her.

I do want her to do some teaching, maybe before graduating. She said that she doesn't think her school has a program for undergraduate TAs but that doesn't mean she can't convince someone to let her do it. So it is on her list to start planting the seed that she should be allowed to be the first.

I feel like she has a resistance to specializing and it may be due to how her brain works. She takes 12 seemingly unrelated topics and wants to incorporate them into a paper. But they are actually the topics for 12 different papers. In the end though, she takes the reader on a journey connecting all of the dots. She sees in patterns so she sees how things are related in ways that most neurotypical brains do not. Because if this, I think she is afraid of putting herself in a box, but we know she is going to have to choose a specialty. Here are some concrete examples. Her first 2 years, she wrote quite a bit about the interrelatedness of text and images. She was accepted into a graphic novel program, but in the end chose her university based on the libraries. When she was invited to take a graduate class on poetics. She had to present to the dean why she should be allowed to take it. She reasoning was, "Because all I know about poetry is what I have read on Wikipedia." That translates to, "I want to learn all there is about all there is, and this is one more step in achieving that goal." During the class, she noticed that writers use different punctuation when they are describing a human walking versus riding on horseback. She was invited to present this paper at a conference and my sister went to hear her. She said the other professors were mouthing "OMG!" and "She is brilliant!" During the presentation. Afterwards they said that for every other paper, they could see how this presenter was restating previous research and that one was extending previous research but Dd's work was completely original. She used to rant about how awful the librarians at her school are because they would tell her, "We might be able to help you if you could narrow the topic a little." In her head, she was screaming, "Why would I narrow my topic when I want to find more not less!" She works best with a certain kind of teacher, and she found one who thinks more like she does. When she emails him with these issues the librarians can't help her with, he emails back, "Order this book, and look up this person." And it was exactly what she needed but didn't know how to ask for in a manner that anyone else could understand. Interestingly, he is a self described generalist who had to choose Wordsworth and Scott even though he didn't want to choose at all. So she decided she wanted to work with him for her honors thesis. So she looked at his CV and picked a topic that he was an expert on but that she didn't know anything about just so the school would assign her to the person she enjoys working with. The project is on Ann Radcliffe and detective novels and kitch and paintings and I don't even know what all else. So my point is that she would have been just as happy with a different topic. I'm going to start having her rule some subject areas out. She told me today that she is pretty sure she doesn't want American Literature. So that is step one. I asked today if she was considering poetics. She said, "Maybe" so I'll keep looking for ones she knows she doesn't want. I know this is all completely backward and she should know what she wants to study and choose professors and programs based on how closely they match, but the truth is she finds everything interesting. That is the part that I blame homeschooling for.

She wants a PhD to continue doing research and to publish and to teach. Academics are what she was born for. She just said that the other honors students are always complaining about missing the football game or having too much reading to go out. She says she feels like she is the only one enjoying herself because her idea of the perfect weekend is a big stack of library books. In fact, she might not want to stay where she is now for graduate school if she could go someplace "harder". That would be even more fun. We are well aware of how difficult to is to get a tenured position and how low paying those can be. As I mentioned, her aunt is a professor at that university. We are not concerned about those issues. The reason that I will be more involved than just a sounding board is due to her special needs. We are used to working together and she welcomes my help. This is very different from the relationship I have with my neurotypical adult kids.

"It's common for kids to be advised that if they are serious about graduate work they should be exposed to a different faculty for each degree. So a fallback of staying at the undergrad college is discouraged." This is what I have always thought! I went to the same school where Dd is now. I vividly remember the day my roommate got her graduate school rejection from our university. She was an English department superstar so it felt like a real betrayal to her. The reason given was exactly what you said. She would end up a better scholar getting degrees from different places. In the end, I think they were right. Because of that experience, I never looked at Dd going to graduate school where she is as even a remote option. But last semester, when she took a graduate course, there were students there who had also gotten their undergraduate degree at that school so sometimes it must happen. I just had a long talk with her, and she is open to schools in any location, so that opens up the all possibilities.

Just when I have a break between kids working on college applications, I realize that we need a timeline to prepare for my oldest for graduate school applications. My initial research feels overwhelming but I suspect that like most things, once I understand the big picture it will be as simple as just doing the next thing. I would welcome any advice from people who have BTDT. A little background-she will graduate after the 2018 fall semester from a good public university with a degree in English and a minor in Ancient Greek. She will be finished with her honors thesis this spring. She should have a GPA of 3.8 or higher. She has taken one graduate English class and there is a professor at her school who is referencing the research she did in that class in a presentation he is giving. So I think we need to look at starting graduate school fall of 2019. I know that she needs to start studying for the GRE. If she has accommodations for special needs, how do you go about requesting additional time for testing? She has good relationships with her professors, so I don't think she needs to worry about how to get letters of recommendation. I told her to get advice from them about where to apply. When she was choosing the school where she is now, he first priority was going where she has a support network. She is living with a friend she has known all of her life. My sister lives close by. My sister-in-law teaches in the English department there. She would be happy staying there for graduate school, but I know she can't count on being accepted. I think this time around, she has to be open to going someplace where she doesn't know a soul. Our middle daughter is at a school that is really not challenging her academically, but she is happy because her creative and her social needs are being met. That would be the very definition of misery for my oldest. While she isn't interested in prestige, she is happiest when she is being challenged. It isn't working to start with her area of interest because (largely due to homeschooling) she is interested in everything. Maybe I need to work backwards and start with when completed applications are due then find a testing date. I'd appreciate any advice on how to make this process as painless as possible.

When I was that picky girlfriend, Dh took over. He made sure that he packed a few things I would eat before we went to his mom's house. Then he told her that when I came over, he would either cook and clean the kitchen or he would take me out to eat. That took all of the pressure off of MIL and off of me.

Both of my kids in college have MacBook pros.

We are in Vallejo. It is unlikely that the fire will spread this far, Dh is working from home today just in case the winds change again and we need to evacuate. The air quality is horrible here. There is smoke everywhere. I'm concerned for my neighbor who is a winemaker in Napa.