I sold my dad’s house to an ugly house type investor. It was the best decision at the time, but he had another closing 5 minutes later and made a tidy profit, so I could have made more by just marketing it. New owners took it down to the studs and have now made it beautiful. They probably wouldn’t have bought it if I had done cosmetic repairs and then put a higher price on it. I don’t have advice, because I see advantages to each option.

How old is she?

There were definitely things that happened to us in our childhoods simply because our parents were more interested in whatever was going on in their own lives than they were in protecting us. It doesn’t bother me to be a helicopter mother. Yes, I know that will not protect them from every possible danger, but that is not a reason to throw up my hands and say, “Oh well might as well let it happen.†I have let my kids stay at my sister’s house over the weekend. I would not have left my kids under the care of either of my parents. I’ve let a friend watch them in an emergency, maybe 3 times. I’ve probably hired a babysitter another 3 times in the past 23 years of parenting. Now, I totally trust my adult kids to take care of my younger kids. They are as over protective as I am. Helicopter sisters? My kids won’t ride on school busses. They don’t even have seat belts! For one Girl Scout troop Dd could not go to any activity with out Dh or my being there. I did trust the next leader more. Hmmm.....she is a bit of a helicopter parent herself. I let my girls go on camp outs with her and also let them stay over at her house. I believe she will be every bit as vigilant as I would be if I was there myself. I do let them play outside alone in a fenced yard with a big dog. I’m not as worried about strangers as I am about a drunk relative, a neighbor, friend’s new boyfriend... It is interesting how other people come to rely on knowing I will always be there to keep an eye on things. I always stay and watch my girls at swim practice rather than running errands or waiting in the warm car. The coaches told me that they feel like this gives them another layer of protection because there is always a witness if something happens with a kid. We had a camp out at the lake. The other parents said they felt safe eating and drinking and socializing because they knew Dh and I were walking the shoreline, counting kids and calling back the ones who were drifting too far out. If I let them go to a birthday party, Dh or I will stay and help. They do not go to any Sunday school classes or activities without a parent being there. My oldest told me last night that her roommate asked her how she would feel of roommate let a friend put her mobile home on the property. I told Dd that I am not comfortable with that at all. She is welcome to blame it on me when she says no. I also wonder if we are so overprotective because my experience has been that as a child, there are so many people who you trust who turn out not to be trustworthy. In any case, my adult kids have proven to be pretty good at setting boundaries and keeping themselves safe once they leave the nest. They aren’t fearful, but they have no problem saying no to situations that make them uncomfortable. Will this protect them from everything? Of course not, but it sure does affect the likelihood. It is kind of like locking you car doors. Does it mean that it it absolutely will not be broken into? No. It just means you are not an easy mark. If someone is looking for a child to groom/abuse, there are some who seem more vulnerable, more accessible, I aim to make sure that my kids, just like my car and my home look like too much trouble.

On the car thing...Dh was driving my beloved suburban when it was totaled. It wasn’t his fault, but he felt so bad about it. When we got the insurance check, I could go pay cash for whatever I wanted to replace it. I could have gotten a minivan and picked the difference, but we had one for a rental after the accident and it my back so much to drive it. I’m all about the comfort. I test drove all of the luxury brands and ended up not liking how cramped or uncomfortable they felt to me. I absolutely drew the line at buying a new car. I have learned from the hive that there are times when buying a new car can be a good financial decision but I told Dh, “We just aren’t new car people. That will not make me happy at all.†So he dropped that idea. I ended up getting a top of the line, used Navigator XL. I enjoy almost everything about it. A month after getting it, a lady hit it in the swim team parking lot. She was so upset that I no longer had this nice new looking thing. The damage is noticeable but doesn’t affect the parts of it that I enjoy, so when I got the insurance money, I sent it to my son instead of repairing cosmetic damages. I figured it would improve his life more than it would mine. I still hadn’t spent all of the insurance money, so I also got my Dh a beautiful Mercedes convertible from the 70s. That car is so fun to drive and cost around $6,000. Oh my goodness. He got so much grief from his siblings about the extravagance, which was pretty funny because none of them drive $6,000 cars. People are funny about what we judge each other for, but that is okay too.

I agree with everything you said here,but I can not relate to the last paragraph. What I don’t enjoy about the people in the examples that you gave is that their mental energy is consumed with thinking about money. I don’t focus on how much my stuff costs and I don’t assume other people even care what my car costs. I’ve owned $500 cars and $70,000 cars. There are things I have enjoyed about each one. I don’t notice how much my friends spend and I don’t assume they are paying attention to my spending habits. It just isn’t on my radar.

Our health insurance remains free for another year. We do have deductibles but if Dh participants in a health screening, they will put the amount of our deductible in a heath savings account which carries over year after year. Dh just had his health screening this morning and the results were “optimal†in all areas. I don’t think they the results affect how much is put in your account. There are plenty of things we don’t love about working for this company, but so far, no other offers can make up for what changing jobs would cost us in insurance.

I’m feeling an irresistible urge to wear my uggs grocery shopping today.

I guess there is just no end to what some people manage to be irritated about.

I would phrase that “how uncomfortable it feels TO SOME PEOPLE to be the recipient of largesse, the extent of which you can't even approximately return.†A friend called once wanting to do a big financial thing for one of my kids. She prefaced it by saying, “I hope I’m not out of line. I know money can change relationships. I’m completely fine if you say no. I just really trust that you know what is in my heart and why I would like to do this.†I laughed and told her that I knew exactly what she meant because I often did such things for other kids on a much smaller scale, but I know that feeling that says “Why should this kid who I love have to struggle when when I wouldn’t even notice the cost of taking care of this for him.†I told her that I’d talk to Dh and be in touch. On the way to talk to Dh, I saw the kid in question and said, â€Guess who just called with a proposition?†She said “Let me know what Dad’s instincts are about it.†It never occurred to me to not tell her about the offer. I was quite surprised when Dh was hesitant to accept. I asked him if he thought there were strings attached. He admitted that he didn’t. I asked if he was worried it might have a negative outcome for Dd. He admitted that he didn’t. I asked him how it was any different (other than scale) from anything we have done for other people’s kids. He admitted that it wasn’t. I assured him that Dd and I were fine with whatever he wanted to do. We trusted his judgement, but for me, I can’t think why it is fine to do for others and not allow others to do for you other than plain old pride. Later, when he had time to think it over, he agreed that the only issue was his pride. He wasn’t going to let that cost Dd an opportunity. So this happened and the relationships have gone on just as before. Dd and I feel no discomfort about it at all even though there is no way we will ever be able to repay this. It isn’t meant to be repaid. It is a gift. Sometimes the loving thing to do is to allow people to give to you. I’m not at all saying that pride is why Quill doesn’t want her son to accept the trip. Safety concerns or even just not feeling at peace about it are reason enough. But I take issue with the statement that all people feel uncomfortable when they can not reciprocate a gift. Most people give with no thought or expectation or desire to be repaid in kind. They just want to share some of the bounty they have been blessed with with the people they love. There isn’t a huge problem in this world of too many people sharing. Isolation is far more common that inclusion. I think this is part of why such a seemingly benign post has prompted such strong reactions.

So sorry! That sounds awful.

Too funny, but one of the Urban Dictionary meanings for Fussell is “a wrong judgement.â€

It hasn’t been my experience that expensive holidays rob kids of the enjoyment of simpler fun. I see adult kids looking back fondly on things like Tibbie’s homemade chili on real dishes, catching fireflies while they play flash light hide and seek, swimming in the lake, cooking out in the backyard together with friends. I really think it is just insecurity to worry that kids are going to be influenced by another family and come to value money spent more than time spent.

And sometimes the family you choose is your refuge from the family you are born into.

Maybe this is less about money than it is about how different people define family. Not counting the benefits to my kids, I, personally have been so blessed and enriched by including extra kids we have included in our family. Some of these kids are grown now with families of their own. They send me pictures of the rolls they made at Thanksgiving from my grandmother’s recipe that I taught them when they were 11. They send me pictures of how they are incorporating Easter Nests in their kids Easter traditions which has been passed down from my German great grandmother. They remember fondly coming over every year for snacks and music on Christmas Day. We have become family. Some have less money. Some have more. Why does it even matter. Does being able to enjoy folding in extra kids mean I don’t value my own family? I don’t think anyone who knows us in real life would ever agree with that. This thread just prompted me to invite an extra kid to spend Christmas with us. Her parents might say yes. They did last year. They might say that they already have plans, but I guarantee that they won’t be asking each other if I have ever even heard of a family holiday.

And for the record, I’d let my kid keep the Lexus too. I have never taught my kids to expect things to be equal or fair. That just isn’t how life is. One of my kids has a nice, late model BMW. Another drives and old hand-me-down Toyota. A third has a nice Mustang now, but used to drive an old beater, Park Avenue. All of them are grateful for having been given cars that they did not have to pay for. None of them compares what they have been given to what the others have. We give each child what we believe they need within our limitations at that date and time. That is it. They do not have resentment at being treated differently.

Wow! I can’t imagine where you get the knowledge that “family togetherness/closeness is not as important†in affluent households. That is quite an assumption. The very most selfish/materialistic family I know lives below the poverty level. One’s assets do not dictate values. Dd’s friend who has more money in her own trust fund than I can even begin to comprehend is such a lovely young person. Last week, she made a beautiful, hand painted book for my youngest’s birthday. When she comes home from boarding school, the first thing that she wants to do is check in with the homeless families she volunteers with. In fact, when Dd spends the summer there, weekly volunteer hours are expected from both girls. This family owns not one, but two private beaches in some of the most expensive parts of the country and yet they have raised a kid who does not have a materialistic bone in her body. They did this because it is important to them. These are their values. I would never judge them or assume that they don’t value closeness just because they will never have to worry about money. I would also never limit my child’s access to experience out of jealousy. And I am speaking of the family meals and conversations with friend’s family just as much as the lavish gifts and vacations. It is very simplistic to think that you know what a family values just because you have info on their bank account.

It does not bother me at all. One of my Dd has a friend who is a trust fund baby. Her family includes Dd in almost everything they do, multiple trips to Hawaii, broadway shows and expensive outings. My Dd would not have done those things if they had not invited her. It has been this way for years. I feel blessed rather than resentful. I feel so lucky that other adults are invested in Dd and love her. We reciprocate in our own way. When friend comes to our house, we don’t do a million activities. I let them stay in their PJs all day and climb trees and I cook them comfort food. Last week, Dh took Dd and friend to a parade and a bookstore and out for tea. None of these are big money activities,but that doesn’t bother us because we don’t judge how special time is by how much money has been spent. I truly believe both girls have better lives by having more people who love them and include them than they would have if they spent all of their special free time with their families of origin. It doesn’t threaten me at all that the other family has much more money than we do. I don’t feel some need to paint them as an unhappy family just because of their assets. For me, the more people loving on my kids and wanting to do nice things for them the better.

I was definitely exaggerating.

Big cabbage leaves inside your bra can help relieve the pain. Don't ask me how or why. Diluted peppermint oil in the compresses helps too. I've always needed antibiotics to actually get better though. So sorry this happened!

We all spend a good deal of time together as families because of our sports team so I think that is why it isn’t an issue when I ask to take the girls after Saturday morning practice and let them play all day. One of the things I like about these moms is that they are totally okay with what an overprotective freak I am. One of the moms said that she wanted to host next time. She said “I know you never let your kids out of your sight, but that is okay because You can come over too.â€

We are all healthiest when we have balance in our lives. So caring for ourselves means that when we get too far over to one extreme, we make an effort to move more towards center. Now the problem is that so many of us are at the extreme of caring for others out of necessity. There is no one else who can/will do the work. That is when we really need to try to help each other. I’ve been in that spot. When my dad was dying, I had a nursing infant. He was in hospice but wanted to return to his hoarder home to die. My best friend stepped up and cleaned his house so he could go home. That is the real life help that we need in times of trouble, not advice. Right now, my life is pretty easy. I only have 2 kids left at home. They are at a cooperative age. There is no reason for me remain at the extreme of caring for others and neglecting myself. I actually have a checklist for my self care. It includes eating a good breakfast, taking my vitamins, bathing, remembering to take some tea with me when I bring the kids to swim practice. We already get a lot of sleep, so that one isn’t on my list. I have a childless relative who doesn’t work and has a maid and basically obsesses over herself 24 hours a day. She needs to move over towards the middle by doing hard things and paying her bills and thinking long term and caring for others. So I understand why some people respond to this post and others find it insulting. It would have been so much more palatable if the author had titled it “pondering on self care†and had used qualifiers like “for me†or “perhaps†instead of asserting “What Self-Care Really Isâ€. It just screams immaturity.

My youngest children are now 11 and almost 8. I’ve met some nice families that have girls the same age and I have invited the older kids over a few times for playdates. When I do this, one of the other moms invites my youngest over at the same time, but she never wants to go. I just laugh and say, “She is convinced that the older girls are going to play with her.†But the thing is that they do and everyone is happy here. When the moms come to pick up, one of the younger kids (who is 8, not 2) was banging on my piano, almost knocking my telescope over, tugging my quilt that under the needle of my machine and generally being a pest.) She started whining about why she never gets to come over and play. I thought my friend handled it well. She said, “L is a very special friend of K’s. K doesn’t go on play dates with your very special friends.†The other younger child just rubs me the wrong way. There is nothing wrong with her. She just isn’t my favorite kind of kid. Every time I see her, she asks, “When is it my time to come over on a play date?†I’m not crazy about her trying to pressure me. I just reply, “I’m not sure.†When my son was little I put up with inviting over some pretty poorly behaved kids, but I suffered through it because he really loved them. In this case, neither of my girls enjoy the younger girls. I’m not obligated to host them if I want to continue having their older siblings over. Am I? As far as special needs go, I have a kid with autism so I understand how challenging it is when you have a kid who has trouble meeting seemingly simple expectations. It irritates me so much that last time, we had people over, I just invited a girl from a different family so I wouldn’t have to have the younger kids asking for an invitation. I generally don’t allow excluding. It is kind of funny when my 19 year old has a friend over and they spend part of the time talking to stuffed animals and playing Barbies. So I think I might be feeling a little guilty. Maybe I’m just getting old and grouchy. I really like these moms a lot. I really like the big sisters, but if this means I have to entertain the younger ones, I feel like I would almost rather cool off the relationship entirely. The girls all do sports together so they see each other almost every day anyway, but it is special to have them over too. Hhhmmmmm....What to do? What to do?

My nephew just did this for his wedding. They had collected unmatched china and flatware from thrift stores and antique stores. It was an outdoor wedding at their house and all of the beautiful china made it seem glorious. Paper plates just would not have had the same feeling.

I have a relative who reminds me of this writer. She may know what works for her, but she assumes that is what everyone else should do too. I agree, she needs to work on doing the hard work and stick to her budget. Her real life is self indulgence. So self care would be acting like a responsible adult. I’m already hyper responsible. I need no reminders to pay my bills and get the hard work done. I actually do need the self care of a salt bath and Netflix. I don’t eat sugar though. She is rejuvenated by going to a party or shopping. Doing those things make me feel drained so spending time on the computer actually helps me recover from too much stimulation. I get so tired of people who have all of the answers when they figure out one tiny thing that only applies to some small percentage of the population anyway. Bah Humbug!