I think it is still relevant to the discussion. If I were in your position, I’d be asking myself, “Is Dh being eligible to retire in 12 years worth my accommodating his schedule now?â€

Yard work was a huge resentment for me. My husband would work long hours during the week and then spend one day out of every weekend mowing the lawn and weeding the garden and trimming the hedges. For real? When I had babies and toddlers to care 24 hours a day? Can’t we just pay someone to do the stupid yard so that I can get some help? Turns out, after a week of office work, he needed that down time outside in order to recharge and be able to do it all over again the next week. I’m a big fan of everyone figuring out the coping mechanisms that work the best for them.

We do not do an equal number of gifts.

I have a kid who gets up at 5:00 to get to 11:00 class. It takes that long for her to get everything done exactly the right way. I wasn’t really wanting to admit that I have to have at least an hour with no one talking to me in the morning before I can function. When we have church or swim meets, I get up an hour before everyone else. If I don’t do that, my day is ruined.

No. I didn’t. Middle daughter wants an embroidery machine for a graduation gift for her BA. Oldest probably doesn’t want anything. Maybe warm socks. She is a bit of a Dumbledore.

My husband traveled for work when my older kids were little. I had to structure my life as if I was a single parent. Plenty of things fell by the wayside. Other things were compromised. Everyone grew up, got educated and independent just fine. For me, personally, I prioritize good sleep and exercise over a clean house and 2 hours of school work for a first grader. It is a season. It is hectic and messy and chaotic. Then it is over.

Yes, but the people who have changed my mind have done so have done it through grace and quietly and consistently living out their own beliefs no matter what. I’ve been changed by others’ examples, not their rhetoric.

Is your mother an introvert? I’m not disagreeing with you in any way, whatsoever. I think you are justified in being hurt. I can actually imagine being like your mom and it doesn’t have anything to do with my children and family not being important. In fact, already my Dh takes the kids on some vacations and I go for one day then come back and take care of my dogs or we celebrate at home then Dh takes the kids on a trip while I stay home with the dogs. I also agree with the comment about anxiety. When we had the farm, even going out to eat, I’d start worrying that when I got home, a dog would have gotten out and be hit by a car or a goat would have it’s horns stick in the fence or a lamb would have pneumonia. I could actually see all of these worst case scenarios. I still went out, but it was stressful. If there is not a way for her to bring her dog, is there any way for you to go visit her at her house later in the year. How old is your mom? When my MIL got to be a certain age, we knew she didn’t want to travel any longer. We had to go there if we wanted to see her. All of this is just to say, please don’t feel like she loves her dog more than her family. Try to assume something else is going on, aging, anxiety, hormones changing...I don’t know. I’m sorry you are hurting.

It is too late to do that for Christmas. My sister and partner already have plane tickets. I feel like you have to give a little more notice before breaking a 25 year pattern. In general and watching her interaction with others, if it costs her something, she won’t do it. So I’d probably end up just having Christmas with our own kids going forward. Which isn’t bad, but my kids would be disappointed. Once my brother was excited about going on a road trip with us. When I mentioned that it might be good to have some of his own money (so I’m not paying for every meal and snack along the way) he went MIA. I didn’t hear from him again until it was over. He just said, “Oh, it didn’t work out.†Our parents never did anything except fight about money, and take each other back to court over money. Neither one would deal with my brothers deep clinical depression because if he wanted treatment, he had better get the other parent to pay for it. So as disfunctional as all of our weirdness about money is, I still call it a win that we have better relationships with it than our parents did and my own children are downright normal and mature about money matters. Somethings might take generations to overcome.

When my oldest was 3, she fell in love with a bunk bed with Toy Story bedding. We have been using it for the past 20 years. When she comes home for Christmas, she will be sleeping in the top bunk, although the bedding was long ago passed on. Do you think your toddler will be thrilled with a bed for Christmas? If not, save it for another time.

My kids had good luck getting professors to add them to full classes. The schools my kids went to also made exceptions for kids graduating that semester. Sometimes they let them them add. Sometimes they substitute another class and count it towards graduation. I guess this is manipulative but when this happened to me, my mom told me to go to the office in person and don’t leave until they come up with a plan. Extra points if you are crying. I get that you guys should have known when to pay. We get emails for about 2 weeks before saying, “Pay in the next 14 days or get dropped.†But even if you say, “We should have been paying attention, however we need a solution. What options do we have?†Once Dd got dropped for non payment. She had a full scholarship. The tuition should have been paid by the honors college. The bursar called me and told me the check was $12 short and I needed to be there in 15 minutes and pay the difference. We raced up there and a week later, received a refund for $12. Sometimes there is just no rhyme or reason to it, but it’s worth finding out if the squeaky wheel can get some oil.

Ummmm....yes.

As to being poor, my brother is in a halfway house with 6 months of sobriety, working in a sushi restaurant. So yes. He is. But he is also the one who also always makes a meal when he is here and always washes the dishes. He doesn’t make demands, and tries to do everything in his power to help. His dad is still alive and quite well off. My brother spends most of his free time taking care of his dad, so I might even call him and tell him that if he wanted to do something nice for Christmas, he could spring for the ticket for his kid to come here. He will probably say no, but I should give him the opportunity. My sister is in a longstanding relationship. They have been together longer than Dh and I. They don’t have kids. My sister hasn’t ever worked, but she makes side money from some of her art and hobbies. Partner has always made about the same as Dh until recently, but his pay bump coincided with our having kids in college so it probably still comes out about the same. Partner always brings me flowers or good coffee or a bottle of wine. Honestly, the year none of them came, they got snowed in in an airport, I was inconsolable. I really do appreciate having family and I have gotten rid of the truly toxic ones. I need to quit making it into a big deal because none of it will mater in the end. My 11 year old is serving at Christmas Eve mass. I know I’m going to be so happy to share that moment with my family. I’m going to do everybody a favor and chill out.

Fortunately we don’t have temptation issues. My kids aren’t tempted by sugar because they don’t want to feel bad afterwards. When my sister was here this summer, she did buy a watermelon and fed it to my kids before I woke up. I took Dd’s blood sugar right then and there and showed my sister how high it was. She felt bad because she just doesn’t think.

This is part of the disfunction of our upbringing. My dad is dead now, but I look back and I can’t believe that he too expected Dh and I to provide everything every time. My family role is the provider, I guess. I’m also conflicted because I would really like to see my brother at Christmas. The only way that will happen is if I send him a ticket. We have 2 kids in college, 2 house payments at the moment, company stock is way down. No one else even thinks, “Maybe I should chip in.†Also, that brings up another issue. We are in the smallest house we have ever had. We only have 3 bedrooms. It is going to be tight. My sister mentioned how fun it would be if some people stay in these yurts nearby on the heritage preserve. That would solve my space issues, but it will only happen if I pay for it myself.

When we are raw dairy, it was only from my own animals and only when I did 100% of the milking and preparation. There is way too much that can go wrong and outcomes are too serious.

I really appreciate everyone’s help. I feel like your comments are helping me put my finger on what is bothering me. I do buy grass fed meat for my family, so I do know where to get that. I just didn’t want to go to the extra cost because conservatively, I’m looking at 12 meals for 10 people made entirely from scratch. As far as the dairy, I am starting to see that part of what is bothering me is that my kids already have so much they can’t eat. I don’t want them to not have their special, dairy-rich comfort foods at Christmas time. There will be plenty she can choose from. She knows where our grocery store is. I just need to do what PPs have suggested. I’ll stick to my plan, making sure she has options, but not change the recipes my kids are expecting. I feel better already. I don’t know why I sometimes need an outside opinion to get over it.

It is intended to be something that motivates kids to come during the dark, rainy winter. I’ve suggested giving them books or playing board games with them or anything but giving them sugar, food coloring & MSG. They tell me, “They burn so many calories swimming†because they just don’t get what my issue is. I just dropped it because it doesn’t affect me personally.

Yes. I never expect other people to be able to feed my kids. I don’t really want them to try, because I’m sure they would miss something. Sometimes it makes people uncomfortable, like when we are at a swim team function and they order pizza for all of the kids. I told the coaches that if I’m there with my kid, it means that I fed her right before,or have food in the car or plan to feed her the minute we leave. I do not want other people feeling responsible for meeting her needs. The swim team has a thing I hate where every Thursday in the winter, they give the kids ramen and candy and cupcakes and every junky thing you can imagine. My kids don’t want that stuff so it isn’t really a big deal. Last week, a mom brought fresh fruit on skewers specifically for my Dd to have something she could eat. It was very sweet and so many of the other moms started saying “I should start doing that!†So not expected, but sweet when someone can actually pull it off.

For example, my oldest went to my sister’s for Thanksgiving. They kept requesting that she bring mashed potatoes and cheesecake and other favorites, but Dd was stressed by the thought of trying to find raw cream cheese. She ended up saying that she wanted to try some new dishes and made a stuffing with no dairy or meat and also a grain free, sugar free pie. I told her to take what she wanted because other guests would eat it and sister could make her own decision about eating pasteurized cream cheese, but Dd didn’t like that option. My sister stayed with me 8 days this summer. She ate the way that we do for the most part and that is why she changed her eating. She said “It doesn’t make any sense, but when I eat at your house I feel so good. Then I go back to my own way and feel like crap again.†Other than the raw dairy and grass fed meat, everything I make will be compliant with her list. This is how I feed my family. Dh will probably make a few pies with sugar in them. I don’t love that he does that, but I’m not going to spoil his own Christmas indulgence. I will make sure that there are plenty of grain free, sugar free treats. I’m just balking at the additional requirements.

I have hosted Christmas for my family for the last 25 years. This has been nice because I have the only kids and they have gotten to grow up being very close to my siblings. It isn’t an option to take turns hosting because I want to be in my own home for Christmas. So this is a situation that I have created. This means paying for everything and being responsible for everything and preparing food for 10-11 people for 4-7 days. We aren’t talking just one big meal. Because my kids have food allergies, eating out is problematic but when we do, I’m expected to pay for everyone, so that doesn’t lessen the burden. I mostly suck it up and get my reward with how happy my kids are to be all together. Our family is sugar and grain free. For decades, we also had 2 vegetarians, so I made sure that everyone had good options for every meal. But my vegetarian sibling still got on my nerves. For example, if I made omelettes to order, with lots of good vegetables, she would eat an omelette and bacon and then what to cook some grain that she brought, scorching my expensive pan and leaving the overflow on my stove for me clean up. About 5 years ago, she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. She asked what my blood sugar levels are and I told her they are consistently below normal. She said, her diagnosis was probably a lab error. A few years later, she gets another warning about her diabetes. At this time, she goes to a NP who tells her to eat meat and gives her a diet plan that is very similar to how we eat. Three years later, she still hasn’t followed the NP’s plan. I continue to point out to her that her rage at her friend might be related to not eating anything but Cheetos all day. She says changing her eating is “too dauntingâ€. Two months ago, she starts having side effects related to diabetes. She decides she will just start medicine for it until she reads that weight gain could be a result of medication. At that point, she finds the the food list from her NP and starts following it. I should be thrilled, right. That is what I wanted her to do. The differences in her food plan and the way we have been eating all of these years is that hers allowed beans. We avoid beans because they make my daughter’s blood sugar shoot up. And hers allows non GMO corn which we avoid because it immediately makes my joints start hurting. Her eating plan specifies raw dairy and grass fed meat. I’m sure those are very good options. I have owned dairy cows and goats, I have made plenty of raw cheese. I primarily feed my family grass fed meat. However, I don’t bring those things to church potlucks and I really do not intend to go to the extra expense of buying those things for a house full of people for an extended visit. Am I being unsupportive if I don’t rework all of our traditional family foods to meet her criteria? I know this is disfunction central. In a way, I’m just proud that we have overcome our upbringing by having any relationship at all. I’m also known for getting all aggravated about some detail when I’m really mad about something else. This kind of feels that way. How would a mature, rational host address this situation?

I gave a kid a bed once for Christmas. She was thrilled. I had guests sleep in her room on Christmas Eve. After she went to sleep, we set up the new bed. The next morning, I acted put out about the guests and told her to go check her bedside table and make sure that they didn’t leave any dirty dishes in there. She was so happy and surprised. As for inequality, I would be very disappointed in my other children if they were paying attention and comparing what siblings received. Who would begrudge a toddler a new bed? If one of my kids did, we would have a whole new year of tough love and lessons on gratitude and love for siblings.

I see some similarities between the author and my adult kid with Autism. I remember wondering if some of her issues could be ADHD, but when she was tested, the psychologist said that her hyper focus and perfectionism looked like ADHD, but were really the opposite. For example, she encountered a problem that she knew the answer to immediately, but it took her almost 5 minutes to bubble it in. She kept almost doing it, but then would read the question again to make sure she wasn’t wrong, then look up again to be sure the answer she wanted to choose was B, over and over. She gets stuck like a scratched record. When she was retested last year, she scored very high in anxiety. When the psychologist pointed it out to her, she said she wouldn’t survive without it. That is how she gets things done! I see the author as similar to how my Dd would be without her anxiety. My Dd isn’t late to events. In fact, she usually gets there 5 hours early just to be sure, but she might still get lost getting to the building she has been to 100 times before. She also has nightmares about going to the grocery store. These things that we do automatically are so challenging for her, but as PPs said, stuff that seems impossible for anyone, she can do easily. She is so lucky to have a roommate who is perfectly compatible with her. My sister called me yesterday because she was at a party with Dd and roommate. Roommate wouldn’t stop gushing to everyone there about how perfect Dd is to live with. She woke up to fresh banana bread, and the very best part of all, Dd never complains no matter how dirty the house gets! I can see how EF could be one aspect of Autism, but it wouldn’t be obvious from the outside for my Dd because her hyper focus and anxiety usually compensate for EF shortcomings.

I think that my loved ones would be pretty sad if I ever did that, but I do understand how it could be tempting.

My kids make presents for each other. My 8 year old has been having a blast making a comic for her 23 year old sister. I know my 11 year old is doing watercolors for sibling gifts. We had so much fun putting up the tree and looking at ornaments they made each other in years past. They also make gifts for any aunts and uncles who will be with us on Christmas.