What if You WERE the Source of Conflict

[Sebastian (a lady)]

So a couple things have me thinking about group and family dynamics. You know how lots of people have a story about how much they hate to visit with part of their family or are having conflict with a sports team or dislike how members of a support group or church are behaving?

 

What if you were the problem?

 

A mom just blasted the email group for a homeschooling group I'm part of because she feels that she and her family were treated shabbily at an event a couple months ago. I happen to have been at the same event, although I got there a bit late. Honestly, I just didn't see the things that she says happened. Did I talk to her or did I fail to make her and her family welcome? I honestly have no idea. It was my very first meeting. I did talk to a lot of people, but not everyone. I was enjoying chatting, but the people I met were people I went out of my way to start conversations with.

 

But this mom clearly feels that she was a victim of a shunning, either calculated and planned or negligent and indicitive of the inherent faults of the other members of the group.

 

So I find myself wondering, how often I've been like this. The person who is seeing offense where none is intended. How often have I stuck my foot in my mouth and offended without realizing it?

 

There was one sermon in church about a year ago where the pastor referred to people in his congregation who were well-intentioned dragons, people who presented themselves as solving a perceived problem but who were really causing more problems than they were solving. I remember shifting around nervously in my seat as I realized that I had been doing just that with a group I was a part of. I had to resolve to start building people up instead of just cricizing how things were being run.

 

So what about you? Have you ever realized that you'd been the cause of damaged relationships? What did you do about it?

Edited April 15, 2009 by Sebastian (a lady)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I often realize this with my own children. That they are acting out because they were picking up negative stuff from me.

 

I've also realized that I'm often guilty of waiting for someone else to reach out to me instead of taking the first step myself. I'm being much more proactive with this now. I call a number of people now from my church and different venues just to see how they are doing. It is amazing how a little thing like that can really affect people in a positive way.

 

What do I do? If it is sin (I mention this since you mentioned church), then I confess it to God first. Then if I wronged someone tangibly I will apologize to the person I wronged. If it wasn't something that tangible (maybe it was more of a general attitude on my part that might have affected people) then I just start fresh.

 

I also though have learned not to take on guilt that does not belong to me. I called someone (you know that proactive thing so see how people are doing). She went into a long vent about how no one cared about her and called. Hello? What was I doing?

 

The ironic thing is I'm chronically ill and neither she or anyone else from my church (who all knew of my illness) had ever called me to see how I was doing. But I made a very conscious choice to not let her play the guilt card on me - just by not reacting to it. And I then made a very conscious choice not to play the bitterness or self pity card when I've been possibly wronged in some way. I say possibly because sometimes when you've played the self pity card then somehow the wrongs seem to pile up because you start noticing them more and more - and I know in my case that often they aren't real wrongs but imagined ones on my part.

[Peek a Boo]

who, me?

 

:blink:

 

a lot depends on why the confrontation is there in the first place.

 

I do have a couple of close friends that are way, Way, WAY more sensitive than i am. I have had to try reallyreallyhard to think about the little things that matter to them [hugs, niceties, praise etc]. But they also know that I'm just not a ....caring...type of person. I'm a super practical gal that if there's not something i can DO in a tangible way to help, it leaves my head. I'll go out of my way to HELP, but i won't remember the surgery you had unless I'm watching your kids or signed up to bring a meal. :)

Or like a friend mentioned the other day: "Amy, I wanted to say I'm very proud of the job you've done pulling this Expo together. Not that you care, but I'm proud anyway." :lol: She needs to express it, but realizes I don't need to hear it. She's so cool :D

 

When something i did ended up knocking a dear dear friend flat on her back, it took MONTHS to get our relationship back to even a 'non-Berlin wall' level. Still working on that. :o

 

But if it's a "confrontational" kind of thing where philosophies are being challenged or boundaries are being crossed, then i am willing to let that relationship slip aside and be picked up [maybe] during a different season of life. There have been a few times where the best thing we could do was just back away and catch up again in a few years. And there's been a couple times where the relationship was probably better off dead anyway- free us up to seek more compatible friends.

 

good luck :)

[SherryTX]

I often realize this with my own children.

I also though have learned not to take on guilt that does not belong to me. I called someone (you know that proactive thing so see how people are doing). She went into a long vent about how no one cared about her and called. Hello? What was I doing?

 

 

 

I love what you wrote there. I think that is the source of a lot of conflict for people - taking on unearned guilt. This is something I did for several years - as well as put unearned guilt on others. Once I realized what I was doing, I stopped. To some, when appropriate I apologized (the things I didn't apologize for were minor, and in some cases, with people that I am estranged from for other reasons.) Once I also refused to take on any unearned guilt, I felt a huge relief.

 

It is a painful thing, to realized that one is the cause of conflict. It's probably the hardest thing, especially as a parent I have had to face.

 

My eldest, who is 18, asked me last week why my parenting of him when he was younger was different in many ways than it is now with his younger siblings. My answer: I didn't realize when you were little I was not really being just; I went over board sometimes with punishment, and under with praise. Also, I didn't realize then what I have learned and am trying to apply in parenting with my kids now: that each child is truly different, and as long as I am not compromising any principles it is appropriate to try use different strategies with each of them when the old standbys are not getting through to them.

 

It hasn't been easy to realize when I have been wrong in the past, and to keep that in mind so I don't repeat the same types of mistakes in the future.

Up until about 3 years ago, I may have not admitted even to my husband when I realized when he was right about certain matters and I was not. Now, I am much better about that as well (as is he).

 

Anyway...if one lives consciously, it is much easier to prevent one from becoming the source of conflict, but of course it isn't always easy.

 

This is a great topic, and I am glad you brought it up!

[Guest Katia]

I am always the source of conflict or the problem. I just don't know 'why'. It's just so elusive and no one will ever tell me, so I'm still in the dark.

 

Now I just stay at home and do my own thing here. Saves everyone the trouble of being offended by me and saves me the anguish of wondering once again what I've done/said this time...

[SherryTX]

Sounds like you need to find a few peeps that "get you".

But if you don't get you, that might be hard.

Do you ask yourself why you say and do the things you do when you seem to offend people? If it was a reasonable to say - then like I said, you may need to find people that are more in tune with you. But if you are not sure, perhaps a little introspection is in order.

 

(Been there...still sometimes trying to figure it out myself. )

:001_smile:

[Rosie_0801]

If it helps, Katia, I don't remember ever reading any of your posts and thinking "What a psycho!" I have similar problems to you and solve them by hanging out with people who are not (by my standards) uber-sensitive. I don't spend much time with most of my relatives :D

 

For the OP: If I'm the source of the conflict and think it's my responsibility, I'll try and fix it. If I think it wasn't, I'll generally get upset or cross and vent to hubby. Unless the problem was with hubby, then I try and fix it anyway. Some people go looking for reasons to be offended. I'm not going to feel very bad about offending someone who goes out of their way to feel offended.

 

Rosie

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Well one side of my musing is wondering if one would realize it if one were the oversensitive person who read offense where none was intended. Would you realize that you were doing this or would you just think that you were surrounded by rude people.

 

Partly its because I've watched a family rift where neither side has really done what I would call a significant offense, but there have been hard feelings on both sides anyway. (Deep hard feelings where people are not speaking or telling each other off and the original offense, and in my mind subsequent encounters were well intended.)

 

Of course, we probably always think that it is the other person who is the toxic relative with no boundaries. But what if we are the one who is being unreasonable. Would you even know it?

[Rosie_0801]

I was bought up with "your feelings are your responsibility, but my feelings are your responsibility too." Years of that makes it hard for me to tell, though I seem to be getting better. I tend to use dh as a yardstick. He's pretty chilled out, so if he thinks I'm being unreasonable, it's a 99% chance I am! If he doesn't think so, I don't worry. It seems easier for guys. Maybe they're not culturally obliged to care so much about offending people.

 

Rosie

[Jenny in Florida]

It's happened to me. I usually go into situations with the best of intentions. Honestly. Truly. I cannot remember the last time I made a conscious choice to sow conflict, but every now and then I manage to do so.

 

I've written before about the friend I lost over homeschooling and parenting styles. To this day, I don't believe I "did" that, but I wish with all my heart I had been able to fix it. I miss her.

 

And I've been basically blackballed from most of the local homeschool groups because of two events. In one, I wasn't even involved in the original conflict but was trying to make things better. Essentially, two moms had a disagreement. I was friendly with one of them and tried to help mediate. In the process, I offended the other mom, who then spent years spreading rumors about me and my family. (Seriously, years. Three years after the initial event, I attempted to join another group and was told they were hesitant to accept me because of things they'd heard through her.) And the punchline to the story is that the mom I was trying to help ended up moving to another homeschool group and dropping me from her life, anyway.

 

In the other situation, I was trying to go to bat for a whole group of underserved kids and ended up being responsible for the splitting up of a group and making my name mud in the portion of the group that survived.

 

The funny thing is that I'm often called on in difficult situations because I'm supposed to be such a great communicator and diplomat. I've had two different managers and a member of our church staff tell me that they like to have me in meetings because I say what needs to be said but do so nicely. But sometimes it does backfire. And I mourn every resulting loss.

 

And the other funny thing is that in my day-to-day life I'm completely non-confrontational. I can't remember the last time I had an argument with my husband, for example. And even with my teenage daughter, I think we have about one major blow-up a year. I'm usually the one talking friends and family off the ledge. But, when I blow it, I blow it big, I guess . . .

[Jenny in Florida]

Of course, we probably always think that it is the other person who is the toxic relative with no boundaries. But what if we are the one who is being unreasonable. Would you even know it?

 

I think I'd know. I usually know when I'm wrong. And if I don't know it, my husband will tell me. In the case of the friendship I lost, I definitely see that there were things I could have handled better, things I should not have said or allowed my kids to say. I'm still hurt that someone I thought would be my friend for life didn't think our relationship important enough to work through, but I don't deny my responsibility for the problem.

 

And I don't usually go around thinking other people are unreasonable. Even in my most difficult relationships--and the ones from which I've walked away--I can usually see why the other person did what they did. At some point, it just becomes clear that we're on different tracks.

 

(Okay, the two women who made my life so tough in the local homeschool groups? I do struggle with understanding them.)

[Highereducation]

Perhaps not quite the same thing, but over the years I've learned that, because of the relationship I had with my sister, I am prone to following certain patterns with certain types of people. My sister is a critic - of everything. People, places, events, books, music, you name it. In order to be "accepted" by her, when I was around her I would fall into the same mode of criticizing everyone and everything. As I got older, it really started to bother me - snark for the sake of snark. Then we had a falling out and I haven't spoken to her in many years. The break allowed me to really examine the negativity and unhappiness that kind of behavior creates. For the most part I was able to put it behind me.

 

Fast forward to recent times. There's a woman in my church who acts almost exactly the way my sister does. We both volunteered to be on a committee. She was the chair of the committee. Because she was the oldest in the group and I was the youngest, she decided to take me under her wing. Suddenly she was calling me constantly to hash over every little thing that happened at church. Her criticism knew no boundaries. At first I found myself saying, "Uh-huh, um-hmmm," (falling into the same behavior I'd been guilty of with my sister). Then I had a very clear realization that by going along with what the woman said, I was basically saying I felt the same way, and I didn't want to do that anymore.

 

I left the committee and distanced myself from the woman. As I feared, she was going around telling our church family that I was the one saying all of the critical things. Luckily, the damage wasn't too severe. Many people had already had run-ins with her and they were willing to give me the benefit of the doubt.

 

It was definitely a lesson, though, and I hope that someday I find a way to disarm those types of situations in a way that isn't hurtful to the other person. I don't think she does it out of malice. I think it's just her way of getting attention - the squeaky wheel gets the oil. On the other hand, some people just get a charge out of causing chaos.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

On the other hand, some people just get a charge out of causing chaos.

 

Hmm, maybe that is some of what happened with the incident in my current group. Honestly, I was at the event, where the offending behavior (or lack of behavior, the main complaint was that she and her family were ignored) supposedly happened. Maybe I missed something by arriving late, but I just didn't see what this person described.

 

I don't know if she is enjoying causing chaos. Certainly her way of bringing her frustration to the attention of the group seems calculated to be as hurtful as possible. I think that I've only seen email outbursts like this once or twice before. Yet if she were to post on a board like this, it would probably be all about how mean the other ladies in the support group were, how they failed to welcome her at all, how they intentionally ignored her. Someone hearing or reading her account would have a very different impression of what this particular group is like than what I've seen in the few months we've been here.

 

(Not trying to paint any individual past poster here with the same brush. I'm tangentally involved with this happening and have no way to judge other events within other support groups.)

[unsinkable]

Perhaps not quite the same thing, but over the years I've learned that, because of the relationship I had with my sister, I am prone to following certain patterns with certain types of people. My sister is a critic - of everything. People, places, events, books, music, you name it. In order to be "accepted" by her, when I was around her I would fall into the same mode of criticizing everyone and everything. As I got older, it really started to bother me - snark for the sake of snark. Then we had a falling out and I haven't spoken to her in many years. The break allowed me to really examine the negativity and unhappiness that kind of behavior creates. For the most part I was able to put it behind me.

 

Fast forward to recent times. There's a woman in my church who acts almost exactly the way my sister does. We both volunteered to be on a committee. She was the chair of the committee. Because she was the oldest in the group and I was the youngest, she decided to take me under her wing. Suddenly she was calling me constantly to hash over every little thing that happened at church. Her criticism knew no boundaries. At first I found myself saying, "Uh-huh, um-hmmm," (falling into the same behavior I'd been guilty of with my sister). Then I had a very clear realization that by going along with what the woman said, I was basically saying I felt the same way, and I didn't want to do that anymore.

 

I left the committee and distanced myself from the woman. As I feared, she was going around telling our church family that I was the one saying all of the critical things. Luckily, the damage wasn't too severe. Many people had already had run-ins with her and they were willing to give me the benefit of the doubt.

 

It was definitely a lesson, though, and I hope that someday I find a way to disarm those types of situations in a way that isn't hurtful to the other person. I don't think she does it out of malice. I think it's just her way of getting attention - the squeaky wheel gets the oil. On the other hand, some people just get a charge out of causing chaos.

 

I can relate to this. I am very drawn to people with large families (some of my best friends growing up had 6 or more kids & I married a man with 6 sibs) and I am drawn to older women as friends (can you say mommy? :)). But it took me years to realize that sometime these "types" of friends were really busy with family and didn't "mean" to not have time with me. Once I had the mental shift that if I picked someone with a huge family as a friend, it meant that they might be a very busy person, things were better with me.

 

Oh, and I am also drawn to alcoholics, but I think there is a program for that...:D

[3lilreds in NC]

Often, the people who are the "toxic people" have no idea they're the trouble-makers. I'm usually pretty aware if I'm the problem. I know other people, though, who seem to have no capability for introspection, and thus have no clue why problems arise or what their part was in causing them. I've heard pastors say so many times, if everyone else is YOUR problem, you should take a good, hard look at yourself. There are people who seem to be unable to do that.

 

In our small group leader training, we're taught that there is always at least one "needy" person. Usually that person has no idea that they are "it." I know that I have been that person, although I'd like to think I'm not just now. ;) Unfortunately, if you don't know that a person has needs, you can't try to help meet them. I think the lady who blasted your homeschool group and felt unwelcome had a real need to be acknowledged and accepted there, and that didn't happen for her - so she was hurt, and responded inappropriately. I would guess that she's hurting a lot right now apart from that incident.

[Guest Katia]

If it helps, Katia, I don't remember ever reading any of your posts and thinking "What a psycho!" I have similar problems to you and solve them by hanging out with people who are not (by my standards) uber-sensitive. I don't spend much time with most of my relatives :D

Rosie

 

I love your posts, Rosie! I smile every time I read them. You are right that there are uber-sensitive people and I try to avoid them but sometimes you are involved in things and don't find out until it's too late that The Powers That Be are the uber-sensitive ones.

 

And, fwiw, I don't spend much time with my relatives either! Same reason.

 

Thanks for the lift. It's nice to know I'm not a psycho. :001_smile: